Chris spent two weeks with me in Boston and then we both flew to LA so he could get back to work on 'Many a Splendid Thing'. I still felt sad most of the time. I started seeing my therapist. The hospital called with the tests they'd run saying our baby had been a boy. That it was just one of those genetic abnormalities that happen. One in four chance. Don't blame yourself. You can try again in four weeks if you want to.
None of that helped. I was broken. I was pregnant and excited and now I wasn't either of those things.
Chris seemed to move on faster than me. Not that I resented that. I know he was devastated. I think he was just better at compartmentalising than I was. He had work to do. He needed to do it. I on the other hand had nothing now. Except him. I started putting the next steps in place for me to have work in Boston. I needed something.
The tabloids were harsh. There was a lot of speculation over what procedure I'd just had. They seemed to think it was probably plastic surgery. The 'fans' seemed to like to think I'd had an abortion because I'd cheated on him before the wedding.
We went back to Boston for Christmas. Being around Chris' family was a weird sort of torture. Carly said she was pregnant again. Seeing Chris with Miles and Ethan. All the 'we're so sorry's and 'it will happen's killed me. Then when I just went to Chris' room and slept I felt guilty. It was like there was no right move for me. I was destined to be miserable.
I went in for a follow up exam in LA after six weeks. Chris was still filming, so it made sense to just be living there for the time being. I had them put a birth control implant back in. I wasn't ready to try again and I wanted to make sure that it only happened on my own terms. Chris went with me and the look of disappointment on his face when I said that's what I wanted to do. We hadn't been talking about it. I just found it too hard. Anytime someone even said baby it made me break down.
We got home and I went and collapsed on the couch face down. Chris made sandwiches for us and brought them out on a tray with tea. East tried to get up on the couch with me, but couldn't quite do it. Chris lifted him so he was on my legs.
"What's going on, buddy?" He said, scratching East's head.
"He's slowing down. Aren't ya, pal. You're an old dogger." I said, reaching behind me and patting him.
"Fuck." Chris said. He flopped down on the recliner.
"What's wrong? I asked, rolling over and looking at him.
"Just, don't want to think about that." He muttered. "Fuck."
I slipped my legs out from under East and got up, climbing into Chris' lap. "He's probably got lots of years to go. I know death is kind of right at the front of our minds, but he's old. You can be old for a long time."
"Emily. Do you not want to try to have kids again?" Chris asked.
I started at the sudden change of subject. "Of course I do. I want us to have kids more than anything. But I'm not ready now. How can you be ready yet?"
He shook his head. "I - I dunno. I guess I'm not. But you could have gone on the pill."
"I got pregnant on the pill. I need to do it on my own terms next time. I need to make sure I'm taking the vitamins, and eating right, not drinking or smoking pot, and not fucking Tom. Mostly I need to make sure I don't feel like I'm trying to replace Jelly Bean with a new kid. I need to move on from this first. I can't be mourning and not feel the excitement of getting ready for a new baby because I'm still sad about losing the first one. It was our son, Chris." I started crying again, like I always did when we spoke about babies now.
His hand went to my hair and he opened and closed his fist. His fingers massaging my scalp. "I know he was."
"I just need time, okay? The implant means I know I'm gonna get it."
Chris pulled me into a kiss. I gave myself to it completely. He dominated me. Holding my head in place as he attacked my mouth with his. He pulled my hair, pulling my head back from him.
"Are you okay to?" He asked.
"Yes. God can we, please?" I answered.
"Let's go to the bedroom. I don't want to just have awkward couch sex." He said.
I got to my feet and he followed me down to the bedroom. As soon as we were inside the door he grabbed me pulling my dress off over my head. He lunged at me, kissing me ferociously as I scrambled to unbutton his red plaid shirt.
His mouth moved to my neck and I let my head fall back, my eyes closed. "Chris, you should punish me." I moaned.
"Not this time, Em." He murmured, not lifting his lips from my skin.
"But I let you down. I deserve it."
Chris pulled away from me. "What?" He said looking down on me.
I didn't want him to look at me like that, so I pushed myself back up against him and started to kiss at trail down his chest. "I let you down. And I'm sorry. But you should punish me. I deserve to be punished." I said, as I moved down his body.
"Emily..." Chris sighed.
I pulled away from him. "I'll get the cane. You can cane me."
I started walking to our closet and he grabbed my wrist. "Stop it, Emily."
"I let you down. I deserve it." I said again, looking up at him.
"You didn't let me down, babe." He said, softly.
I don't know what happened, but I was suddenly so angry. I was angry at him for not being mad at me. I was angry at myself. I was angry at the whole world. This wasn't fair. I shoved him. "Punish me!" I yelled.
"Em..."
I shoved him again and he grabbed my wrists pinning them behind my back and dragged me into his arms.
"Honey, you didn't let me down. Even if I did feel that way, that's not how we do this. We don't take out our feelings on each other like that. That's supposed to be fun." He soothed, holding me tightly against his chest.
I started crying. "It's not fair."
"Who ever told you life was fair?" Chris asked.
I shook my head. "Aren't you mad though? I'm so angry."
Chris walked me over to the bed and we both sat down. "Of course I am. Not with you. With the universe. The fact that these shitty things can happen for no reason. I can't take my anger at the universe out on you. It doesn't change anything anyway. I still love you. I still want us to have kids. I still think about our wedding day and remember it being the best day of my life."
"Your therapist is better than mine." I sniffed.
He laughed. "Well, I've been seeing him for longer than you've been seeing yours."
I put my hand on his thigh. "Do you still want to have sex?"
"Fuck yes. You know what it feels like to have your pussy tighten up around my dick?" He growled.
I shook my head. "No."
"Yeah, neither do I. It's been six weeks and I forget. I bet it's amazing." He pounced on me, pushing me back into the mattress. I squealed and he tickled me as he kissed and nipped at my throat.
"Stop, Chris!" I squealed, kicking my legs in an attempt to struggle out from under him.
"Oh you don't like that?" He teased, easing up his tickling. He crawled down my body, and pulled my breast free from my bra. His tongue circled my nipple. "What about this?"
"Mmm... yeah I like that okay." I hummed.
He took my nipple into his mouth and sucked hard as he pulled back off again. "Only okay?" His hand slid down my stomach and into my panties, his fingers teasing over my clit. "How 'bout this? This better."
My scalp tingled, and I squirmed a little under him. "Yes." I squeaked. I reached behind my back awkwardly and unhooked my bra. "Chris?" I said, as I pulled my bra free.
He'd gone back to sucking on my breast and he hummed in way of acknowledgement.
"I love you."
"Love you too, babe." He replied. He picked me up, shifting me into the middle of the bed. "Now let's see about pleasuring my wife shall we?"
"You're a nerd."
Chris grabbed my panties and yanked them down. "That's not very nice." He slid his fingers up my folds, flattened his tongue and lapped a stripe upwards from my entrance to my clit.
"I never said I was - oh fuck, Chris." I moaned.
Chris started laughing against me as he swirled his tongue over my clit. I dug my heel into his back and he sat up. "Alright, that's it!" He said, and flipped me over. I squealed again and his hands went to my arse. He pushed my cheeks apart and his tongue swirled over my arsehole.
I moaned, clutching at the headboard. "This is a terrible punishment, Chris."
He slapped me. It wasn't hard, just one of those moves where he cupped his hand and it made a loud noise. I squeaked and kicked at him again.
He dug his fingers into my cheeks and lapped at me, from my cunt to my arse. Each time his tongue touched on my arsehole it pressed in a little more. He moved a hand to my cunt, and pushed two fingers inside of me. He slowly slid them in and out while he used his thumb to massage my perineum. I bit down into the sheets as pressure built in my core.
He started to crawl up my body. His tongue stayed on my skin until he reached my shoulder. He bit me, then pushed himself up onto his knees. I felt his cock slide up and down my crevice.
"Chris. Please." I breathed.
His lips touched my shoulder again, but he didn't say a word. He just kept teasing me with his cock.
I went to move against him and he pressed down on the small of my back and pulled his cock away. I whined and he grabbed me by the hips pulling me so I was on my knees. One hand went to my hair, bunching it into a fist and he used the other to guide himself into my cunt.
It had been so long, and I'd missed it so badly that I sighed loudly as he filled me. "Thank you, Chris." I murmured.
He gave me a moment to relax. I felt my own body adjust. My core muscles tightening and then releasing. He started to thrust.
I came undone. My whole body seemed to lose control. My legs started to shake and my arms felt weak. I wanted to press my face into the mattress but he held me in place by my hair. That somehow made it worse. Or better. His thumb went to my arsehole and he pushed it inside. I moaned and tensed around him as he fucked me and probed at my arse. I came quickly and hard. He pulled out of me as it washed through me.
He let my hair go and my arms collapsed. I barely had time to take a breath and he pushed down on my back, pushing me so I was lying face down on the mattress. He pried my arse cheeks apart again and spat. It hit my arsehole, pooling against it.
"Fuck. Chris?" I groaned.
He pressed his cock against my arsehole. He shifted so his whole body was pressed against mine. His lips grazed onto the side of my throat. "What's wrong, baby girl?" He purred.
"I love you so much. I need you so much." I replied.
He pushed into my arse. I moaned and clenched my pelvic floor. As Chris thrust into my arse, he kissed and nipped at my throat and the back of my neck. He'd run his tongue up my spine and whisper in my ear. He'd tell me how he loved me. How I was such a good girl. How much he loved fucking me. It made my scalp prickle and my head feel fuzzy. I slid a hand down between myself and the mattress and began rubbing my clit.
Chris reached around to my face his fingers tracing over my lips. I nipped at them and started sucking on them. A second orgasm built and crashed down over me. My whole body clenched up. As it did, Chris' hand went to my throat and his fingers dug into my skin. "Stay like that." He growled.
His thrusting picked up. I stayed tensed around him. If I relaxed at all, he slapped or pinched me and I'd tense again harder than before. He came inside of me, his cock pulsing. I relaxed and he slipped out of me and collapsed down on the bed.
I rolled over and lay my head down in the crook of his arm. "Fuck I needed that." I sighed.
"Yeah, me too." He sighed, kissing me on the head.
We lay like that for a minute before I sat up and patted him on the chest. "I'm going to have a shower. You may wanna go have a protein shake because in about 20 minutes I'm coming for you."
Chris threw back his head laughing. "You're on. He said.