Chris flew off to LA kissing both my lips and my stomach before leaving and making me promise I wouldn't find out the baby's sex without him. Tom and I just mostly vegged about. We'd go for a run in the morning, then just kind of hang about the house watching movies or just talking.
The morning of my ultrasound Lisa came and picked me up. The plan was, go look at the jelly bean, have some lunch, come home and nap. Maybe go out to dinner with Tom because the next day we'd both be heading off to other parts of the country.
We drove to the hospital, Lisa was so excited by the time we got there. Maybe even more excited that I was. I guess the grandmother doesn't usually get to come to these kind of things.
After waiting a painfully long time in the waiting room for the ultrasound. The tech was young and bubbly and greeted us both enthusiastically. The usual cold gel was squeezed onto my belly and after moving the wand around a bit we could see the baby. It looked way more like a baby than last time. I felt really sad that Chris was missing this. You could see little arms and legs.
"Is that them?" Lisa asked.
"Yeah, look you can see it's giant head." I said. "And oh my god little hands."
The tech's face grew serious as she moved the machine around. She put on some headphones and then then did some button pressing before taking them off and putting the wand down.
"I just want to get the doctor. I'll be right back."
I looked over to Lisa. "That's never happened before." I said. I started feeling really anxious. Like something wasn't right.
Lisa took my hand and squeezed it. "I'm sure it's fine."
We sat waiting for what felt like far too long, but was actually probably only ten minutes. I started getting really worked up. Lisa just kept holding my hand and telling me there was nothing to worry about.
Doctor McKenna came into the room followed by the tech. She greeted me warmly and picked up the wand. She moved the wand around and found Jelly Bean. She turned on the sound and frowned.
"Emily, I'm really sorry, but there's no heartbeat." Doctor McKenna said.
I shook my head. "No, but there has to be. This is twenty weeks. We were fine. This was just a check up."
She moved the wand and pointed to the spot on Jelly Bean's chest where the little twitch twitch of the heartbeat normally showed. "Do you see? You'd normally see the heart beating here."
I started to cry. "No. No, no, no, no." I said. "It's the machine. All the tests were fine."
"I'm really sorry, Emily." She said.
"No!" I cried. Lisa jumped to her feet and hugged me. Doctor McKenna handed me some tissues and waited for me to get under control, but I don't think I really did get myself under control. I just kind of went numb.
She told me because I was so far along I was going to need to have a D&C. I nodded my head. She asked if I wanted to book one for tomorrow. All I could say was 'Not without Chris'. I wasn't sure if I meant I couldn't book one or have one without him.
Lisa went and sorted out the paperwork while I stood in the waiting room surrounded by all these happily pregnant couples. I hated all of them.
On the way home I just stared out of the window. Lisa drove and kept trying to call Chris. It would always go straight to voicemail. She left a couple of messages. She'd wait a few minutes and then try again. I wanted her to stop, but I just had no energy to ask her to do anything.
When we got home, she had to come and open the door for me because I hadn't even processed the fact the car had stopped. She led me inside, her arm around my waist. Tom was in the living room reading. He looked up and smiled when we came in.
"You're home earlier than I ..." His words cut off when he looked at me. "What's happened?"
"Emily lost the baby." Lisa answered. "I can't get hold of Chris."
Tom jumped to his feet and dashed over and I fell into him. Clinging to him as he held me. I felt like I should be crying. This is where you cry isn't it? I just felt so numb. All I wanted was Chris to be here and tell me what I should be feeling right now.
"If you want to go home you can. I can take care of Emily if you can try and get hold of Chris." Tom said.
"Emily?" Lisa asked. "What do you want me to do, honey?"
"I just want Chris." I mumbled into Tom's chest.
She came up behind me and kissed my cheek. "I'll get him home. Don't worry."
Tom extended his arms and hugged her too. "I'm sorry for your loss too, Lisa."
Lisa faltered for a moment and I saw her wipe her eyes. "I'll get Chris." She said and rushed out the door.
Tom just stood holding me for ages. He is so used to the other person breaking a hug first, that he didn't know what to do. "Emmy, darling, do you want me to run you a bath?" He asked after a while.
I nodded my head.
He led me upstairs to our main bathroom and turned on the water in tub. He took one of the bath bombs from the basket on the vanity and I just stood there staring at it as it dissolved fizzing yellow and gold in the water.
"Are you okay for me to leave you alone?" He asked, when I didn't move.
I shook my head.
"Oh Emmy this isn't the end. You can try again." He said wrapping me in his arms. I wanted to yell at him. Tell him that wasn't the fucking point. My baby had died. A new one wouldn't replace this one.
"I'm a walking tomb." I whispered.
He kissed me on the top of my head and then helped me to remove my clothes. I think if he hadn't done that I would have just stood there until the bath over flowed. He tested the water then helped me step into the tub. I sank into the water my head going under for a moment. And then popped up letting my head rest on the side of the bath.
Tom sat on the edge of the bath and stroked my hair. When it was full he switched the water off. I think I must have fallen asleep or something. Because the water went from quite hot to stone cold really suddenly, but Tom just remained sitting there watching over me.
He helped me out of the water and pulled the plug. Then wrapped me in a large fluffy towel and led me to the bedroom. He went sorting through my pyjamas and pulled out a pair of flannel ones with comic panels all over them. I let him dress me and put me into bed.
"Do you want anything? Tea? Something to eat?" He asked.
"I just want Chris." I said.
"I know, darling. Lisa will get hold of him, I'm sure." He replied rubbing his hand up and down my arm.
"Did we do this, Tom? Was it too rough?" I asked. My voice was coming out monotone. Like I was a robot who wasn't involved with what was happening.
"I'm sure that can't be true." He said, but the tone of his voice didn't sound as convinced. "I don't think we were particularly rough. People have sex when they're pregnant."
"They don't have three ways that last hours and hours." I said.
Tom just shook his head.
"Is Chris going to hate me? Do you think?" I said.
Tom lay down behind me and hugged me, spooning himself tight against my back. "Of course he won't. He loves you so much, Emily."
"But what if it's my fault? What if there's something wrong with me?" I said.
"It's not your fault, Emmy. These things just happen." Tom said.
I knew on a logical level all these things he was saying were true. Even if he didn't really know them to be. I have a degree in Biology. I taught biology. I knew scientifically that reproduction often gets messed up. There's a lot of things that can go wrong. I knew the stats for miscarriage are one in four. That statistically it wasn't that unlikely that it could happen to me. I knew that generally speaking a fetus is pretty safe from trauma. It has to be bad trauma to set off a miscarriage. The sex I had with Chris and Tom was not rough enough to make my baby's heartbeat stop. I knew that if we had been too rough to the point of miscarriage that it would have ended painfully and this wasn't painful. At least not yet. The pain would come later when I had to deliver.
I knew all this but still I knew this was my fault some how. I'm not even religious and I knew that for some reason I did this. This was happening because of who I was. That Chris was going to hate me for it. That he'd agree that it was my fault and he wouldn't want me anymore. I felt like my chest had been ripped open. I wanted so badly to cry. To just scream.
Instead I fell asleep.
Tom stayed with me. He'd leave for brief periods, to eat. To go make tea. I got up once or twice, mostly just to use the bathroom. Mostly I just slept. East lay beside me and only got up when I did. He'd go outside and then come straight back to my side again when I hopped back in bed.
That night Tom slept in the bed with me, letting me cling to him. Chris arrived home sometime in the very early morning. I woke to Tom climbing out of bed and I rolled over to see where he was going.
"How is she?" I heard Chris ask.
"Not good. I think she might be in shock. She hasn't cried. Mostly she's just been sleeping and when she talks..." Tom shook his head.
"Thank you for looking after her, man." Chris said.
Tom hugged him. "I'm so sorry this happened."
Chris didn't say anything. I watched Tom leave the room and looked over to Chris. He started to undress. Stripping off his t-shirt, shoes and jeans in the dark.
He climbed into bed with me and I wrapped myself around him like an octopus. "Chris." I said. And finally the tears came. The first time since the hospital. I sobbed, my chest heaving. I wanted to talk but I couldn't catch my breath.
"I know, babe. I know." He said. I could hear in his voice he was crying too. He wrapped his arms tightly around me. Pulling me tightly against his chest.
"We were supposed to be parents." I cried.
"We are parents, Emily. Jelly Bean is still our baby." He said, his hand gliding over my stomach.
"Having a baby and being parents is different. I wanted to meet them."
"So did I. So much." Chris said. "You should sleep, sweetheart."
I rolled over and let him hug me from behind. I stroked my hand through East's fur. "What are we going to do?"
Chris sighed and pressed his lips to the top of my head. "We'll mourn, and we'll take our time. And we'll be kind to each other."
"You don't hate me?" I asked.
His arms tightened around me. "Oh babe. Of course I don't."