Darkness pressed down around Ashpaw. He swayed, disoriented in the void-like surroundings he was in. He could see trees, illuminated by unnatural white light coming from further away. They closed in around him, and Ashpaw shrunk back and began mewling for help. He was scared, alone, and wanted his mother more than anything right now.
Just then, he felt thunder in the ground. The rumbling got stronger, and Ashpaw heard the angry caterwauling coming towards him through the trees. As soon as he saw the first of the cats tearing through, he started running.
His paws beat against the earth, skidding to swerve around branches and rocks, hoping to lose the trail of the pursuers. But no matter how fast he ran they only caught up further. His chest was tight and he heaved breaths through clenched teeth. Then he realized there was something soft between his teeth. The scent of kit caught in his nose.
Just as Ashpaw had that thought, he saw himself, cowering among the bushes. He was much smaller than he was now, and his eyes were wide in a strange confusion. Although seeing himself should have been the real shock, Ashpaw only had one feeling, one that shook the air from his lungs and made his body reap with pain.
I have to go back! Go back for my son!
He awoke with a startled spasm. His breath was heavy and his entire body was quivering. It took him a moment to realize he had been dreaming again, the same dream he'd been having since he went to the Moonstone. He looked up, desperately scanning the den for Badgerheart. To his disappointment, he was alone.
He had told Badgerheart about his dream before, wondering if it had some connection to Starclan. But Badgerheart disagreed and said it was more likely a nightmare caused by him thinking about his mother so often and worrying about her. Unfortunately, neither of them had a solution on how to stop the dreams.
A low rumble of thunder came from outside. As Ashpaw became more aware, he could hear heavy rain as well, drumming on the roof of the den. He couldn't tell what time it was, but the den was very dark because of the weather, and he assumed it to be late.
One would think the storm would scare someone such as Ashpaw, but it was actually quite the opposite. It always gave him a nostalgic feeling, like he was back in his old home, blanketed with the protection it provided. Another rumble came from outside, it comforted him slightly after his nightmare.
He stood and stretched, shaking his fur out. The air was definitely starting to get cooler. Although Ashpaw had never experienced it, he knew that after so many moons the world would grow bitter cold, covering the ground in a white substance called snow. He felt he remembered it for some reason. Perhaps he had been born during the cold season, or it was just an instinct he had. Whatever it was, he could feel it happening, and it creeped into his nest like a slow mist.
Lightning struck somewhere distant, illuminating the den for less than a heartbeat. But it was just long enough to show the outline of a cat barrelling inside. Ashpaw's fur stood on end as the shaggy mess of fur came in panting.
"Ashpaw, are you awake?" Badgerheart asked. He sounded worried.
"Right here." Ashpaw whimpered. He stepped closer to the dripping body of Badgerheart and that's when the smell of blood hit him.
"Riverclan's attacking." He heaved.
Ashpaw barely had a moment to react when Badgerheart stormed past him and started grabbing herbs. Cobwebs, dock leaves, goldenrod, everything used to heal wounds. Ashpaw's heart pounded in his ears, drowning out the sound of more thunder rumbling outside. "What should I do?"
Badgerheart didn't look at him, instead he dropped the mess of herbs in front of him. "You're going to do your job."
The seriousness in his voice stunned him momentarily, "M-my job?" Ashpaw stuttered, "You mean heal them? During a battle?"
"Of course. This is what you've been training for." Ashpaw would disagree, mainly because he only agreed to become a medicine cat so he could visit Starclan to find answers, but he had promised train with him. He knew almost every herb at this point and their functions, but he rarely actually healed anybody.
Badgerheart looked back at him and his expression softened. He sighed and said, "Alright, look, since this is your first time acting during a battle, I'm going to run you down on what's going to happen." He spoke quickly while pacing. "We're going to be mostly on the edge of the forest, sheltered from being attacked. Most cats will refrain from hurting us, but you can't be too careful."
Ashpaw watched as he swerved back the other way, his eyes were distant as if he were imaging the fight before him. "You'll have to stay and heal anyone that comes to you. I'll be on the field escorting any wounded warriors back to you. I won't have time to watch over you so you'll just have to make do by yourself, but I know you can do it."
When Badgerheart finished explaining his "plan" they set off, each carrying more medicine than they could handle. The wind and rain slapped against his face and he had to narrow his eyes just to see. Badgerheart led straight towards Sunning Rocks, the peaceful stream where they had first collected marigold together.
As they neared the clearing, the peaceful memory vanished. Battle cries and yowling screams could be heard even through the downpour of rain. Badgerheart and Ashpaw slowed as they came to the edge of the forest, with a thin wall of brambles and ferns between them and countless cats tussling in a mass of violence.
Badgerheart set his herbs down quickly and said something to Ashpaw. He couldn't hear him over the noise, but he recognized the reassuring smile on his face. And moments later he was gone, having rushed straight into the sea of turning bodies.
While Ashpaw was waiting, he could see the battle through the bushes. He watched as a gray and white she-cat pounced onto a tabby tom, two orange toms slashed furiously at each other, and the body of a white she-cat fell backwards as her neck was slashed by another warrior. He closed his eyes tightly.
They weren't closed for long though, as a skinny black tom fell through the ferns, practically landing at his paws. He looked up at Ashpaw with a surprised yet pained expression. He brought his back leg up close to his stomach, revealing a deep gash in his side.
Ashpaw was frozen for a moment, unsure of how to react to all the blood. When he thought about Badgerheart though, and how he was counting on him, it all came back to him. Quickly, he started unraveling the webs he had brought. Pressing them into his side so the bleeding would stop, he also began chewing the goldenrod into a pulp.
It only took a minute or so before the bleeding slowed, and he managed to successfully bandage the warrior. The black tom was resting on his side, eyes closed and breathing slow. Although he looked rough, Ashpaw had to convince himself he would be alright. There was more cats that needed him right now.
Ashpaw turned his attention back to the battle. He felt more focused now, less afraid of the bloodshed and more willing to save who he could. He had to admit, despite his fear and bitterness towards the clan cats, and as much as he despised being a medicine cat, he would do everything he could to save someone's life.
As he was watching the battle again, looking for anyone who would need his help, he saw a few familiar faces. Brickjaw was at a she-cat's neck, but she looked just as fierce and slashed him across the eyes, causing him to draw back. He saw the white cat who had fallen, slung over the shoulders of Longstream from Riverclan. He looked around for Badgerheart or Asterpaw, but failed to see either of them amongst the crowd.
He slunk back into the shadows, looking for a vantage point. He crept around the wounded cat he had healed and started making his away around the edge of the battle. He made his way almost to the edge of the stream, and then saw Cardinalstar.
The massive calico was viciously slashing at a small brown tom, who Ashpaw expected to be the leader of Riverclan. Blood and scratches covered them from head to paw, but yet they kept fighting. Although the sight was scary, he found it more horrifying that this is the cat who had threatened him several times before. If Cardinalstar had wanted to, he could have killed Ashpaw long ago.
Suddenly, something else caught his attention. Someone cried out in agony, and he saw a tiny gray cat fall before a Riverclan warrior. As he left their convulsing body, Ashpaw made his move. He darted out of the bushes, into the flurry of cats. He ducked flailing limbs and claws, and managed to reach them easily.
They were shivering uncontrollably, and Ashpaw saw the grass beneath them turning red. Quickly, he gently grabbed their scruff and began walking in reverse, back to the safety of the forest. He heaved, trying his best to stay out of cats way and still pull as hard as he could.
Then he felt a body strike into his side. Not painfully, but someone heavy landed on him, knocking the air out of his lungs and throwing him away from his patient. As the cat returned to battle, Ashpaw disorientedly struggled to his paws. The focus he had was now gone, and Ashpaw felt like the forest was collapsing on him again.
He looked around, struggling to keep himself awake. The yelling turned into muffled noises. The battle turned into a blur of colors. Ashpaw could only hear his heartbeat, drumming loudly in his head.
Just then, through the muffled noises, Ashpaw heard someone call his name. He snapped out of his panic to see Badgerheart, Carrying the injured warrior in his jaws. He said something, then hurriedly swept Ashpaw along with his tail, shielding him from the fight. Ashpaw was trying his hardest to keep it together, and finally they managed to make it back to their station.
Badgerheart rested the cat down, and looked up at Ashpaw with deep concern. "Are you okay?"
Ashpaw nodded shakily, and started to grab some goldenrod. No matter what, he wouldn't let a cat die.
"Ashpaw."
But as he started applying the poultice and pressing cobwebs after cobweb, the blood kept coming. The warrior was no longer shaking, and instead their breathing was becoming scarcer.
" Ashpaw. "
His own paws were shaking now as he pressed down on the wound, desperately trying to stop the bleeding. He felt the weak pulse beneath him stop.
"Ashpaw," Badgerheart said again, quietly. "it's already too late."
Both of them were silent. Ashpaw slowly stepped off the wound, and saw the cat was still. The cat's eyes were closed, and a small trickle of blood could be seen from their partly separated jaws. Ashpaw could only stare, completely unable to speak.
Badgerheart walked to him, wrapping his tail comfortingly around him like he had done so many times before. "It's not your fault." he muttered quietly. "There's nothing we could have done for them. That wound was too deep, even for us. We can try, but there will always be cats who will fall in battle. We just have to save those who we can."
Ashpaw looked up at the gray cat. Although he didn't know them, he felt a kind of respect for them. Ashpaw had never witnessed a death before, but the fact this cat had to die this way was too tragic for him to handle. "Wh-what was their name?" he managed to ask.
"Birchpaw. One of the youngest apprentices too." he said sadly.
Suddenly something in Ashpaw felt like it shattered.
An apprentice ?
A six moon old kit could be trained for battle , and die like this ?
That could have been him. He could have been trained like this, having to fight and know at any moment you would die horribly. Ashpaw could have been out there, tearing at other cats throats and trying to win some kind of meaningless battle. Ashpaw could have been the one dying at a young medicine cat's paws.
The thought sickened him further as he realized that's what all these cats were doing. All these warriors, apprentices and kits were trained to fight and kill, with the exception of medicine cats. And he suspected all the clans did this. It was an endless cycle of war, one that Ashpaw was brought into.
Both he and Badgerheart lifted their heads in surprise as he heard the battle cries turn into victory shouts. They looked through the branches, and saw Riverclan heading back to their side of the river. Cardinalstar was standing on top of sunning rocks, which was now painted red in blood, and he was grinning in a kind of vengeful pride as he watched his enemy retreat.
Ashpaw shrunk back, feeling more trapped than ever. This wasn't a victory. This was only one of many battles that would be faced here. More cats would die, more blood would be shed. The feeling of shattering started to reverse, as the shards inside him was pulled back together into a cold hardness. His hatred for the clans had never been so strong, and he knew there was only so much more of it he could take.