She squeezed my hand the moment her eyes met mine. It was weak, but I felt it. There was a silent message in that soft squeeze of hers; she was telling me she was glad to see me. I felt the life creeping back into me again. My heart did a triple somersault and a pirouette and about five cartwheels. I could stare at those eyes forever; those deep blue, crystal clear eyes. I was seeing the soul within for the very first time since I've known her. She wasn't hiding her feelings. She didn't wear her perfectly contoured mask today.
No.
She was just Genevieve; body and soul.
And it made me fall in love with her all over again, like that was even possible. At that point, I couldn't help but feel a very weird moment of déjà vu. There was something about seeing Genevieve; the real Genevieve, which made me feel like I've known her from a long time ago. A different lifetime maybe. I didn't really believe in this stuff but at that particular moment I couldn't deny what I was feeling.
She took a long and deep breath and started crying all of a sudden, as she squeezed my hand even tighter.
She wasn't just crying. She was sobbing manically. I felt my whole world was crumbling right before my eyes, and I was stuck in my place like a statue. I looked at the doctor anxiously. He was checking her vitals and trying to assess the situation the best he could.
'What's wrong?', was the only thing I could think of asking at the time.
'I'm sorry. I'm so sorry', she said between sobs.
She was sorry? That didn't make any sense.
I wanted to gather her between my arms and tell her that none of this was her fault. She was the victim here. I was supposed to save her but instead I let her slip through my fingertips. This was not in any way, shape or form her mistake. What in the world could she be sorry for?
Instead, I shushed her and stared at the doctor worriedly. He had warned me against any physical contact because her bones were still healing. He, in return, pulled out a syringe and emptied it in her I.V. drip. She slowly started to calm down and went back to sleep.
'Is she in pain?', I asked Dr. Tanner, trying to justify what happened.
'Physically, she has a lot of morphine in her system so she shouldn't be feeling a thing. Mentally and emotionally, however, well, only time and good counselling could help', he said, and with that left the room.
She was mentally and emotionally in pain? How in the world was I supposed to go about knowing she was in any sort of pain? I held on to her hand again and started slobbering it with kisses. Her hand seemed so perfect, but they were still worryingly cold.
I've never prayed harder as much as I had prayed while I held on to her hand. Instead of giving her strength, she was the one who was reviving my faith. I wanted to be stronger for her, to make her know that she had me by her side whenever she needed me.
I'm right here, I wanted to tell her. I'm right next to you.
Someone knocked at the door and startled me. It was Claire and Madison. They came in with flowers and chocolates.
'I thought the doctor was going to wake her up today', Madison said as she placed the beautiful bouquet of red and white roses by the bed.
'He did, but when she woke up she started crying so he gave her something to help her rest', I explained.
Madison frowned when she heard the word "cry". I guess her boss wasn't as tough as she thought she was. I think Madison will look differently at Genevieve from now on.
'Poor girl', Claire murmured.
Although there wasn't a pint of pity in her voice.
'I miss you', she added and she came over to hug me.
She seemed to have overcome the argument we recently had about me being here. There was something very off with Claire but I didn't have the energy to figure it out just yet.
'Me too', I said half-heartedly.
The truth was I actually didn't want her here. She always comes and brings with her a truckload of guilt. She had no idea that I would soon break her heart. I would just be another jerk that walked in, screwed up her life, and simply walked out like nothing's happened.
Sitting alone all day with my thoughts made me realize something very important; even if things didn't work out with Genevieve, and that would definitely suck, I still can't go on with Claire. I clearly didn't love her as much as I thought I did. I can't spend the rest of my life with a woman while I'm wishing I was with someone else. It wouldn't be fair to her or to me. I'd be living a lie, and we'd just end up unhappy and suffocate each other.
Monica came in with her husband and newborn baby girl Leah. Genevieve's parents and her sister followed. Everyone came in expecting to see her alive and kicking, but she still slept soundlessly and the clock ticked away. They all passed their time by making small talk and giving each other advice about things that didn't seem important to me.
I decided that the room was way too crowded for my liking and I excused myself saying I was in dire need of a beverage. Not tea or coffee, but a good chug of whiskey to dial down the orchestra playing in my head. No one seemed to take notice of me however, so I slipped away with my misery tucked under my elbow.
I made it exactly two steps outside the hospital gate before my sense of sensibility slowly started seeping back into my brain. I've been acting so love-sick with Genevieve that I haven't really been considering the consequences of my actions. She had me doing and thinking and feelings things that got me overwhelmed and we're not even remotely in anything that resembles a relationship.
Am I crazy or downright stupid? I wasn't acting straight. I wasn't thinking rationally. Am I actually willing to give up a secured future with a woman who loves me and would devote the rest of her life to be by my side for another who I've known for barely known for a month?
This is wrong.
I shouldn't be doing this.
I should go back to Claire right now and apologize for leaving her sleep alone for these past couple of weeks. I should take her home and make love to her like there's no tomorrow, beg for her forgiveness and ask her to marry me as soon as possible.
You've gone way too far, Killian. You need to get your shit together and get a grip on things. This madness has got to stop. No one falls in love like this. You barely know her. What if you find something you don't like along the way and regret this decision?
No, you're not leaving Claire. You're not confessing anything to Genevieve. You're walking back to that hospital room, grabbing your woman and getting the hell out of there.
That was one heck of a talk!
I realized I was walking in circles around the block. I took a long deep breath to refresh my mind and made my way back to the hospital room.
The moment I pushed past the door my knees went weak and I felt light headed. Genevieve was awake. She was talking and smiling and Monica was feeding her chocolate pudding.
How long was I away?
She was alive and kicking. She looked me deep in the eye and motioned for me to come by her side. I obliged like I was hypnotized. I didn't realize or care that there were at least half a dozen other people in the room. I didn't care that I looked silly. I forgot all about the talk I had with myself that led me here. I stood by her bed, struck by some sort of rapid disease that made my lips too dry and my tongue too swollen to speak. But what was I to say anyway?
'Thank you Killian, for staying by my side all this time. I felt your presence next to me. You reminded me not to give up', she whispered.
And just like that I was back to square one. I was right there by the light pole snapping pictures of her. I was right there when I walking into her office and was taken by surprise by just how beautiful she was. I was evaded by the little moments I had with her in the photo sessions and the day we spoke about her mother. I could never bring myself to stay away from her.
A lonely tear ran down my cheek.
I was doomed!