"Lily and I met our freshman year of college. We had been randomly selected to be roommates, and it was the luckiest moment of my life to be put with Lily. Anyway, our first day of college comes around and we met for the first time. I was already in the room just unpacking a few things when I heard someone knock on the door. Before I could even respond, she burst through the door, a huge smile on her face. She started to introduce herself, but she tripped over one of my boxes in the middle of the room. We both started cracking up, and I helped her stand up. 'Lets try that again,' she said. 'Hi, I'm Lily Cartin. You're Ash, right?'
"I nodded. We talked for a while as we unpacked, and I remember thinking that we were pretty much the same person. I mean, so alike, it was creepy. We liked the same music, the same movies, the same food, even the same clothes. It was uncanny, but it was the beginning of something amazing, and I think she knew it too.
"Lily was . . . she was so ambitious. She would do anything for a laugh and she wouldn't tolerate boredom. I remember one time, I was doing homework in the room, and she ran in, the goofiest smile on her lips. As she was dragging me out and down the stairs, she explained to me that she had rented a car and we were going on an impromptu road trip. When I asked her where, she said something I'll never forget. 'I don't know, we're just gonna keep driving and driving until we're happy with where we are.'
"I don't really know why I remember that. Maybe becuase it was just so . . . Lily. And maybe because I think I knew that she would never be happy, no matter where we were.
"Lily met this guy, Liam Payne, our sophomore year. He was the sweetest guy around, he really was. They started dating, and she was always happiest when he was around. Er, she always looked the happiest when he was around. The three of us . . . we have some pretty awesome memories. I didn't really mind being the third wheel because they never made me feel like a third wheel, you know? It was never Lily and Liam on a date plus Ash, it was Lily and Liam and Ash hanging out. It was . . . perfect.
"She had had a hard life. Her dad was a dead-beat, and her mother died in a car crash when she was six. Lily had lived with her aunt for a while, but her aunt couldn't deal with Lily because she reminded her too much of Rebecca, Lily's mom, so she handed her over to foster care. She had bounced around foster family's for a while, never managing to stay in one family for long. She was smart and worked hard in school, though, and that's how she earned a scholarship to our college.
"It took me a while to figure out that she wasn't truly happy, no matter how much she smiled and laughed. I started to notice how her smiles didn't reach her eyes and her laugh sometimes sounded forced and how she would sometimes just . . . zone out, as if she wasn't fully there. Most of the times when I asked her, she would just brush it off and change the subject. Finally, towards the middle of our junior year, she opened up, telling me and Liam about how unhappy she actually was.
"She said that it started her freshmen year of high school, when kids started to bully her and stuff. It was never physical, but it hurt her just the same. Half the time, she would purposefully try to get her foster parents to return her just so she could switch schools. She talked about how she felt guilty that she looked so much like her mom because it upsetted her aunt. And she talked about how she had tried to reach out to her father, but he had told her that he never wanted to talk to her and how she shouldn't even be alive and that he hated her. It was the first time I'd ever seen Lily cry. Liam and I supported her even more than we had before she told us everything, and I think that helped some what. I hope that helped some what.
"March 28th of our senior year. It was a Wednesday. My parents had come down to visit, and I was out to dinner with them. My phone had rung several times throughout the dinner, but my parents hated when I used my phone at the dinner table, so I hadn't answered. Anyway, once we had finished, I started driving home and checked the calls I had missed. All five of them were from Lily. Frowning, I began listening to the messages.
"The first four were hectic crys for help. I could hear her sobbing through her jumbled words. She was begging me to talk to her. I remember one of the voicemails was solely made up of, "Please, Ash, please. I need to talk to you,.' She needed me. And I wasn't there for her.
"The fifth one was different. She sounded so . . . calm. I can't even tell you how many times I've listened to that voicemail, Harry. Just trying to savor her voice. When I first heard it, I knew . . . I knew she had . . .
"I drove home as fast as I could. I still had this stupid, tiny sliver of hope that I could get there before she did anything. It felt like it took me ten years to get back to the dorms despite how fast I drove. Finally, finally, I was back on campus and I raced up to our room. Lily didn't answer the door when I knocked. I didn't have a key becuase she never locked the door, but this time, she did.
"I found our RA and she unlocked the door for me, bombarding me with questions I didn't want to answer because I was afraid they would come true the moment I uttered them. We got the door open, but sometimes, I wish we hadn't. That image will forever be burned in my mind.
"Lily was just . . . hanging there. From the closet rack. I think I screamed, but I don't really remember. Her feet dangled inches above the ground, and her . . . her neck was bent at an unnatural angle. She had used a black scarf as the . . . noose. I had gotten her that scarf, you know, for her birthday.
"I crumpled on the ground, next to her, just shaking and crying. I could've helped her, and I knew it. I knew that she would still be alive if I had just answered my goddamned phone. I could've talked her out of it, or something. I . . . I was her best friend. And I just let her die. I couldn't help but think it was my fault that she was now hanging from her closet.
"The hardest part was telling Liam. He has these huge brown eyes that are usually filled with so much life, but when I finally told him, something in them just cracked. He stood there, motionless, before he just broke down. I had never seen Liam cry before.
"She had left two letters. One for me, one for Liam. I didn't read mine until two weeks after I found her. I couldn't read it. Out of all the people in the world, there were only two that she cared enough about to leave a note for. And I was one of them. Do you know what that feels like? To know that . . . you were one of two people that could've saved somebody, and you didn't. It's . . . crushing," I paused for a moment. Tears threatened to spill over my eyes, but I didn't let them. At Lily's funeral, I had promised never to cry again. I hadn't broken it yet, and I didn't plan on it. Afraid of triggering the tears, I didn't dare glance at Harry, who had been silently listening this whole time. Suddenly, I remembered why I was telling him all of this, and I cleared my throat.
"Lily had gotten me the locket our first day of freshmen year as a 'new-roommate' present. She had a matching one. She had been wearing it when she . . . you know . . . and that's the part that really got me. Her hair had kinda been covering her face, so I hoped at first that maybe it wasn't her. Maybe it was just someone else who looked like Lily, but not actually her. But then I saw her locket, and I knew. And the world seemed to sorta stop spinning for a moment."
It was silent for a bit, before I quietly added, "She's the reason why I became a celebrity manager. Did you know that? When I was younger, I had wanted to become a singer, and Lily knew that. Everyone told me it was a ridiculous dream and that I'd never make it, but Lily always encouraged me to go after it. When she died, I just couldn't . . . I couldn't bring myself to sing anymore, especially for other people. So, I became the next best thing. I became a manager for people who do what I've always wanted to do."
"So you practically torture yourself by watching people do what you really want to do everyday?" Harry asked, his voice thick.
I chuckled humorlessly. "I guess you could put it that way."
"Ash, I--" Harry began, but I stopped him.
"Harry, please don't treat me any differently. I don't want your pity, okay? I'm a big girl. I can handle it on my own."
"You shouldn't have to," he muttered, and for the first time since I began talking, I looked up at him. His green eyes shone, and his lips were pressed together in a thin line.
I shook my head. "You know we can't do this, Harry. Tonight was an exception. I appreciate everything you've done, I really do, but we just can't do it. I love my job, and if anyone ever found out about us, my career would be over. I can't lose my job, Harry. It's the only thing I have left. Not to mention, your image would be destroyed, too. Is it really worth it for both of us to lose what we love just so we can have a relationship?"
Harry didn't meet my eyes. He just stared at his dinner plate, his hands folded in his lap. I waited for his answer. Slowly, he shook his head. "I didn't think so," I whispered. I stoood up shakily before I crossed over to him and kissed the top of his head gently. Taking a deep breath, I turned around and made my way back to his front door, slipping on my sneakers before opening the door. I hesitated for a moment, then walked out to my car before I did something stupid like go back to Harry.
A/N: Wow, sorry for the super depressing update. Hope you guys like it though:) Let me know what you thiiiinkkk