The night sky was darker than I had ever seen. The warm air was hugging my bare arms as I was sitting on my back patio. I finally let my tears of regret fall as I was alone for the first time in 48 hours. I had been a bad, bad girl. I didn't hold the intentions to sleep with my ex-husband but...somehow it happened. We stopped having sex months before our divorce so I just couldn't understand it. There was an aching pain in my heart as I was completely disappointed in myself. Where did all my strength go? I spent too many hours with him. We were even caught by paparazzi.
I got an earful from everyone.
As I sat there in my backyard, I couldn't stop thinking about José. I think I missed him.
"Ms. Shakira?"
I turned around a little shaken in my lawn chair and looked back at my housekeeper. "Yes?" I wasn't aware she was still in my house.
"I'm about to go now. But the house phone was ringing for you." I saw she had the phone held firmly at her side.
"Who is it?"
"Umm, well, he said Michael."
"Jackson?" I said swallowing the lump in my throat.
She nodded and took a few steps forward to hand over the phone. She stared at me with worry until she was back in the house. She waved goodbye and slid the patio door shut.
My body turned back around to face the night sky. The cold phone pressed on my ear. "Hello?"
"Hey, you."
I hugged myself with my free arm. "Hey."
"Sorry it took so long for me to call."
"Mmm. It's okay." As my eyes dropped with my heavy head, I saw my heart pounding through my shirt.
"Happy belated birthday."
"Thanks." I looked around my fenced backyard. "And thanks for asking me, indirectly, to do a song with you."
He giggled. "You're welcome. Thanks for agreeing. I didn't know how to ask you. Do you like the song?"
"Yeah. It's great but it's already been greatly done by Johnny."
"I know. Maybe we can come up with our own song."
A feeling of refreshment washed over me. We were making plans. I liked it. I closed my eyes and just smiled. It was so nice to hear his voice filling my ear. "Michael?" I rest my head back on the chair.
"Yes?"
"When am I going to see you?"
"Whenever you want to," he said with a snicker.
No. Why was I doing this? He was only in it to hurt me. "Why do you keep letting me down?"
"We have to talk, that's why. I'm not letting you down. It just seems like I am. There's a valid reason for my actions."
"For constantly ditching me?"
"I can't explain it over the phone. When do you want to see me? I have to make an escape plan."
"Where are you?"
"I'm home in Neverland but I'm leaving for Africa soon. I'll be there for a while."
"Africa? Why are you going to Africa? I want to go." I didn't regret my last words. I shut my eyes and pictured the both us in the beautiful land.
"Lissy will be accompanying me," he said shamefully.
My eyes opened to stare at reality.
"I'm sorry. I would've loved for you to come with me."
"No you wouldn't have. You couldn't even call me for two years. Why would you take me with you to Africa?"
Feeling some type of way, he didn't answer my question. "We really need to talk. I need to see you. And not in the studio. Alone."
I wasn't supposed to want that but I couldn't fight the feeling of joy as he confessed that he wanted to be alone with me.
"You have the wrong idea about how I feel for you due to my absence." His deep sigh caused a vibration on my ear. "Can you meet me at a hotel?"
"When?"
"Tonight. As soon as possible. I want to see you before I leave."
I had no more tears to cry and no more strength to turn him down.
I wasn't as good as Michael when it came to being incognito. I always just threw sunglasses on and pulled my hair back in a bun.
Instead of taking the elevator, I ran up the stairs in my get-up to the 11th floor of the hotel. It was a pretty good workout. As I opened the door and entered the corridor, my nose went left and right around my body to search for any odors. But I was fine.
I found the room he stated me to report to and knocked on the door lightly. Already my heart was going frantic along with my nerves. I was impatiently waiting in front of the one thing that was keeping me from him.
The door slightly opened as if he just unlocked it and ran away. It closed but not enough for it to lock. I heard someone open their door behind me so I quickly stepped in the room and the door slowly shut on its own. The room was dark but he had the T.V on. To my right was the bathroom and the light shined from under the door.
"Michael?"
"I'm sorry. I'm coming." He sounded kind of shaky. But it was such a rush hearing his voice in person again. He was really there in the same room with me after a long two years of misery and sorrow without him.
"Are you okay?"
"I'm fine," he said laughing it off. "Just one minute."
"Okay." I decided to walk over to the bed and take a seat. There were actually two right next to each other. It made me question if he planned for me spend the night. I looked around the room. Soon I realized he booked a simple double bed. It wasn't a suite, nothing extravagant at all. But I liked it. It was very cozy.
"Can you turn off the T.V?" he asked from the bathroom.
"Umm, and turn on the light?"
"No. I don't want any light on."
I instantly started thinking crazy thoughts. Was the man on the phone really Michael? I didn't understand why he would want us in the dark.
I got up off the bed and walked near the bathroom door. "You're scaring me."
"Why?" He started softly laughing.
It sent the biggest smile to my face. "Is there something wrong? Why can't I see you?"
"Because. I'm just nervous of what you'll think."
My head rested on the door. "Think of what? I'm starting to think it's really not you in there."
He was still laughing. "Of course it's me, silly." The light shining from under the door vanished.
I stood there, numb, waiting to see him in the flesh.
Michael creepily opened the door incredibly slow causing me to nervously giggle. But it was really him. My olfactory perception identified the familiar scent of him.
"Wow." I questioned to myself why he was wearing his shades and fedora.
"Don't look too hard." Giving me my favorite smile, he backed away.
"What's wrong with you?"
"I'm nervous because of how I look. I don't want to frighten you."
"Frighten me?" I couldn't believe how he was acting. Using each of my trembling hands, I carefully removed his shades. I then immediately went for the hat and threw them in the closet next to me. He was just as beautiful as I remembered him. "You look the same." I'm sure my smile spoke for my sincerity. My hand ran down his smooth jawline.
"So do you," he said still smiling.
I always dreamed of that moment and each time I pictured myself with different emotions. But there in reality of the reunion, I wanted to hold him and actually kiss him rather than my prediction of wanting to punch him.
I stepped closer to him and placed my hand behind his neck. I tugged down on his ponytail holder and played in his hair. I remembered seeing it straightened in his last video which was very different for me but here he had the same curls I remembered. His hair was only fuller and slightly longer but it was basically how I remembered it. I couldn't notice a skin change because it was far too dark in the room. The T.V was making him all sorts of colorful shades.
I turned around, grabbing his hand from behind me. Once near the beds, our hold fell apart and I took a seat before him. He decided to sit on the other bed across from me.
I watched the television until he was ready to speak.
"Well, I'll just get right to the point."
I smirked at him.
"It was never my intention to hurt you but people-the label, they made threats...if I was to continue my relationship with you."
I took notice of him stumbling over his words.
"Please don't ask what they were because I will never say. I don't want to talk about it but it was either us or our careers and I knew you would rather have your career."
"What?"
He turned away.
"Look at me."
He forced himself to look me in my eyes. "You're special. Look at all you've already accomplished. I didn't want you to pass this up. It was obviously what you wanted. Remember?"
"I would've chosen us. You just rather had your career. You shouldn't have chosen for me. You were only thinking of yourself."
"I was thinking of a lot of things and people, myself not included. I don't see how you could think leaving you was easy for me."
"Why did you never reach out? Why did it take me calling you for you to finally want to see me?"
"Because this is painful, Shakira. It's very hard for me to be around you right now...to answer your questions. I wanted you to just forget."
"How could I?" I asked getting choked up. "How could I just forget what you gave me?" I didn't want to cry in front of him, but it was something I had no control over.
He lifted himself halfway off the bed but I stopped him.
"Don't," I said throwing my hand out between us. "I need you to just...just talk." I slapped my hand down on my thigh.
Kindly, he sat back down in his position. "I am. But please-stop. The last thing I need right now is to watch you cry."
My wet eyes narrowed at him. "It's the least you can do."
"The least I can do is comfort you."
My fingers slid under my eyes to wipe away my tears and I caught a glimpse of his wedding band. "You can comfort me by telling me why your married to the woman you told me I had no reason to worry about."
"That's complicated."
"Everything is complicated," I said shrugging. "Help me understand."
"I can't."
"Why not?"
I noticed him inching towards the edge of the bed. "I meant what I said. I don't feel for her the way I felt for you. I never did."
My head hung down with my eyes shut. "Did you ever think about me?"
"Of course I did." His voice was closer. "And I swear to you, I planned on reaching out to you one day but no time soon."
"Why no time soon?"
"Because now's not the time. I'm still tied down." I feel his hands slide up on arms. They rest on my bare shoulders.
"Yet you don't love her-"
"Not by Lissy. Work."
My shoulders had gone numb and my arms still tingled where he previously touched me. "Why are you so close?" I said empty of a proper tone.
"Because I've been waiting of this moment for a very long time. I never expected it to come so soon. I'm very...anxious?"
My eyes rose with my head. It was easy to look at him but hard to stare. But my eyes still followed him as he kneeled before me. "Right now, a part of me is wishing to turn back time."
"What do you mean?"
"Like, I wish I could just remove this..." His eyes were down on his wedding band. I was shocked when he slid it off and let it freely fall on the floor. "I want us just as much as you do."
I kept trying to swallow my heart as it was lodged in my throat. But the feeling wouldn't go away because he was entirely too close to me. "I don't know you anymore." I gained strength to look past him. I focused on the television.
He found my comment amusing. "I apologize." He planted his feet on the floor but his body leaned in towards me.
My eyes hurriedly shut, not knowing what to expect.
But it was just a sweet kiss on my forehead. "Lay down," he spoke deeply.
I obeyed as if I was his girl back in 1988. I slid back on the bed and he removed my shoes for me. He helped me pull back the covers and I noticed his height lose an inch or two as he removed his loafers.
Michael slipped in the bed with me with no questions asked and concerns expressed. We just wrapped our arms around each other. There was nothing sexual about it. It was the most innocent, wanted, hold.
***
February 2, 1992
Tell me, what's the use
Of a twenty-four inch waist
If you don't touch me?
Tell me, what's the use again
Of being on TV every day
If you don't watch me?
This house is full of emptiness
My closet's full of dresses
That I'll never wear
My life is full of people
But you're my only friend
My best friend
Hope it isn't too late
To say "I love you"
Hope it isn't too late to say
That without you this place looks like London
It rains every day
Don't you know it, babe
I'm only half a body
Without your embrace
Let me tell you why
My heart is an unfurnished room
Any suggestions?
Don't have to tell you more than that
'Cause no one knows me like you do
Without exception
This house is full of emptiness
My closet's full of dresses
That I'll never wear
My life is full of people
But you're my only friend
My best friend
Hope it isn't too late
To say "I love you"
I hope it isn't too late to say
That without you this place looks like London
It rains every day
Don't you know it, babe
I'm only half a body
Without your embrace