Chapter 35- Nobody
"Coral, what do you think could have caused you to try and take your own life?" A therapist asks.
She looks professional, with her hair in a tight bun and a blank blazer on, along with a matching pencil skirt. She sits on a chair opposite me with a pencil and notepad in her hands.
I stare at the ground. Silence fills the room, letting the sound of the traffic outside fill the empty space.
"I don't know," I whisper. Of course I know. Some part of it might have been Wyatt, and the fact that I was alone for so long. Being alone just reminded me of my old school, and that's what hurt the most. That's what almost killed me.
"Please, just try to remember. I want to help you. This is about making sure you're better, Coral. You need to know how special you are. Nothing can make taking your own life worth it. Please try to remember," she asks me.
I go silent for a while longer, biting the inside of my cheeks as I try to think of how to put it. "Being bullied, maybe. Being alone. I was always alone and bullied at my old school. People never liked me. They tripped me, and they would laugh and stare and whisper and I didn't know what to do because I had nobody. There was nobody that I could tell. I survived it, though. I thought that maybe when I left that high school it would be different. But..." I shake my head, laughing to try and stop my tears.
I have to be stronger this time.
"But..." she whispers, listening to every word.
"But then I left the school, and I was still alone. I thought if I was alone at the old school and alone here, in the place I was kind of working at, then I was just going to be alone. I couldn't be alone, it feels horrible and life becomes pointless when you can't even laugh when you want to, because you'll be laughing alone. I never liked being alone, and being alone at this new school... It was torture. Especially seeing the person I love going on without me, right in front of my eyes. It was like I didn't exist at all and I thought it wouldn't make a difference... I thought maybe it would be better if I was just..." A tear slips down my cheek. "Gone."
She nods, frowning and writing something down on her notepad. "The third most important human need is belonging. I understand now. You felt like you didn't belong anywhere or with anyone. Coral, there are billions of people all around the world. People are feeling exactly the same way you felt, but you don't have to feel that way. There are so many kind people that are willing to stick to your side, no matter what. You just have to wait, because those people will come. I know you felt alone, but your friends... or that friend that is waiting downstairs, I can see he loves you. Maybe you didn't feel like he did, but when you were waiting here in my office, and I was getting the paperwork downstairs, I saw him and he wouldn't stop asking if you're okay. That pain in his eyes... it's love."
I stare at her, feeling sick. It felt better to talk to someone, but she doesn't know what he said to me. He can't love me. Nobody can. Not even my own mom could come when she found out I almost died.
I shake my head. "He doesn't love me."
She doesn't say a word.
"He told me he doesn't love me, okay? I hurt him and I used him. He said he has never and will never love me so don't give me that bullshit that he does, because it's fake. His pain is fake. It's pity and all of it is bullshit," I say, not able to stop myself from speaking.
I lean my elbows on my knees and put my face in my hands. Nobody will ever really fucking love me. I'm a loser.
"I do stupid things and I say stupid things and sometimes it feels like... I don't know. It feels like I don't need to be there because I just get in the way and hurt other people." I look around the room, at the brown, shiny furniture. I can't look at this lady in the eye, she probably knows just how pathetic I am.
The doctor let me out of the hospital, because luckily the medical aid paid for everything, and then I had to promise I would come to these sessions once a week.
Today was my first day out, and this is where I had to come. After this I don't know what I am going to do. I don't even have a house. I don't have anything.
But why is Wyatt downstairs? I didn't see him when I was there, but I did tell him I wasn't getting my stuff from school yet because I was here.
"You're human. You can make mistakes, but you don't deserve to die because of those mistakes, honey. It's not worth it. You will be so much more than you might think, and if you think you're alone, you won't be alone forever. Some time, someone will come and make it feel like nothing before even mattered. I think you might have found that person, and maybe what happened will matter because of this person, but you are strong and you will get through it. I know you're strong enough."
"Yeah..." I stand up, and give her a fake smile. "Thank you, but times up and I'm late to... Um, meet someone." I walk out, feeling like I can't breathe.
Luckily the medical aid is also paying for these sessions. I don't have any money to pay for these sessions.
I run down the stairs and past the front desk, past all the faces watching me, and I run out into the fresh air. I lean against the wall outside, closing my eyes.
My breathing gets harder and tears start falling down my cheeks. It feels like someone is suffocating me, and everything burns.
"Hey." I feel someone's hands on my arms. "Coral, breath. Come on. Breathe in," I listen and suck in a deep breath, "and out." I breathe out. Then I repeat it over and over, keeping my eyes closed and just concentrating on my breath.
"There we go," the voice whispers and arms wrap around me, pulling me into a hug. "It's okay. You're okay." I close my eyes, hugging Wyatt back. I don't forgive him, but right now I really need someone to just hold me.
He holds me tighter and I let more tears fall down my cheeks. "You smell so good," I whisper, annoyed. He should stop smelling so good. He laughs and rubs my back, comforting me.
For a while, I just stay like that, enjoying the comforting feeling of someone holding me.
I know it won't last long.
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