"Then what did I do to deserve this, Lauren?" She asked with a small sigh, wondering the same thing I had.
Camila was a good girl; great even. But the universe had constantly stabbed her with unfairness and unjust. I had always believed in karma but I sometimes wonder if it was just a word people use to give hopes to those hopeless.
And what's sad about it was the fact that I'm aware that I was the epitome of the cause.
"I don't get why things never goes my way," she continued as I stayed silent, unable to form a coherent word as she questioned something that none could ever find the answers to; life.
"Am I stupid? Is it stupid for me to think that everyone should have a happy ending? Is that naive?"
Still, I just stared at her, my vocal cord unwilling to work as there was a huge lump stuck on my throat. My brain had the same idea.
"I should go," she said suddenly when she didn't get an answer, standing up. "It was nice talking to you, Lauren."
She began walking away again and that was when my body finally functioned. I ran towards the door and blocked her from walking out.
"Get out of the way Lauren," she said. But unlike previously, this lacked passion and power - she just sounds defeated. "I need to leave."
"Why?" I asked stupidly, still not backing down.
"I can't look at you right now," she disclosed whilst staring down at the carpeted floor, looking just as exhausted as I was.
"Don't leave," I pleaded.
She sighed like she knew I would say that. She knew I wouldn't give up that easily.
"What do you want from me Lauren?"
"I want you," I said with such conviction, hoping she could hear the desperation I had not so subtly spit out.
She scoffed, laughing humorlessly at my answer as if it was the most absurd thing she had ever heard. "The last time I heard that ended with me in a hotel room, naked, vulnerable and alone."
"I didn't-"
"It doesn't matter anymore," she interrupted, causing my heart to clench at the firmness of her sentence, seemingly not fluctuating anytime soon.
But still, I didn't move out of the way.
So.. She decided to try another approach. She thought that maybe if she saw how bad I've treated her, I'd let her go.
"Remember that one fight we had? Late 2015 if memories served me right."
She paused, giving me time to try to recall the memory. Nothing really came to mind at the end but in my defense, that period was the peak of our constant arguments.
"You said that I should grow up and stop acting like a kid. Do you remember that?
"That was actually the only reminder I have to stop me every time I have the urge to do something dorky.
"What's crazy was that I thought loved that side of me. Before that fight, you used to praise me for being different from others and that was what kept me going.
"You thought I was special. Extraordinary. But then, something happened and all I did was annoy you. You didn't see me that way anymore. You began to think that I was weird and abnormal.
"You wanna know how much that hurts, Lauren?"
She paused. She wanted me to see what a monster I was. She wanted me to see that I wasn't fit to be with her.
"My freaking girlfriend, who's supposed to love every side of me, didn't like the person I was. You were supposed to be accepting and loving me unconditionally.
"So when you didn't, I thought it was my fault. And each day, I tried to become someone you want me to be because that was how much I loved you. I was willing to sacrifice myself so that I wouldn't lose you.
"But I didn't know that I already lost you."
My eyes began to blur once more as my heart clenched at how sad she sounded.
"You were my fucking map. As crazy as this sounds, you really were. You were the one who guided me. You had always told me to be myself. And I did.. But you soon realized that you didn't like it.
"What the fuck was I supposed to be then? I got lost. Gradually, I started to lose my principles and who I was because I couldn't be myself. Because I wanted to be someone you would love.
"I thought I was annoying you.
"So this was what I thought somewhere in 2016; instead of being the person who holds people back, why don't I just cut the strings myself?
"You'd be better off without me anyway.
"And hey, that proved to be successful, didn't it? You got engaged to Lucy. Fifth Harmony is now at the peak of your career. So all in all, I did you a favor.
"That is, until, I came back. You were okay with Lucy. Consistent and happy. But I came in, and just like always, I managed to destroy a friendship of more than 10 years and relationship worth of 3 years.
"You're right. Maybe I do destroy everything I touch. That was what you told me on the beach last year after all. You said I was bulldozing everything and that I was a hurricane."
I opened my mouth, desperate to say that it wasn't me who was talking. That I only said it because I needed to push her away. But just like most of tonight, I was mute.
"So let me go... Your life would be better if I wasn't in it."
I shook my head, my eyes were desperately searching for hers but she was so fixated at the door behind me.
"Please don't leave.." I said hoarsely, my voice cracking at the end.
"I need to.."
"No, I want you.."
She stopped, tears flowing down her cheeks. I reached over to wipe it away. She flinched at the contact but I was determined to clean up the mess I had made.
And surprisingly, she let me...
But she decided to add more salt on the already raw bruise.
"The one person I could see a future with loathed me, how would you think I would feel about that? The only person I would do anything for - and I mean everything - hated the idea of even being in the same room with me. How fucked up was that?"
She whispered while I still tried to wipe away every single tear that had rolled down her beautiful pale cheeks.
"Don't you get it? I'm fucking bruised because of you. You keep pushing and pulling me repeatedly but you had never let go. You never actually shove me to the ground and left. You just grasped my collar with both of your hands and just shook me.
"You never just shoot me with a gun and get it over with. No. You'd much rather slowly use a sharp knife and glide it everywhere on my skin, slowly and painfully killing me.
"And I'm so fucking tired Lauren. My heart keep shattering every fucking time you destroy what hope I had left.
"Empty promises was all I got from that toxic relationship. So many promises you threw at me to make me hold onto what we had."
We were naive that time. We were mere kids and we thought we had the world at the palm of our hands. We thought we were in control of our lives and our future.
"You push me and I fall for you. And I genuinely don't regret it. What I regretted though was that I actually believed that you would actually catch me when I fell."
We were both emotionally spent. I was still holding onto her cheeks and it's ironic because, even as I was so physically close to her, I could feel her slipping away from me everytime she opened her mouth.
"You gave up on me. I don't wanna point fingers but you did.
"While I tried to use everything in me to make us not fall into pieces, you kept throwing it against the wall.
"And everyday, I would try to glue us back together, but just like everything in the world, the glue was scarce. We were out of them at the end.
"My heart broke but you seemed fine enough doing things by yourself."
Uncontrollable sob were made its way out my mouth. How can she believe that I was the only one who made that decision?
"Please let me go..." She whispered. "I need this."
"No.."
"Please..."
"Stay," I said with a rather strong tone, surprising us both.
"What?"
"Stay the night with me.. I'll tell you my side of the story tomorrow."
"I don't think I want to. You always have that power where you manipulate me into believing everything that comes out of your mouth." She backtracked and my hands fell from her touch, the tingling sensation on the fingertips still present.
"Please Camila, just please stay for the night. I won't do anything," I whispered, walking into her personal space yet again, making my head spin at the propinquity.
The emotional day had once drained us both and it's only fair to take a break before we could continue this conversation. We were both tired and overly sensitive.
"What good would it bring if I stayed?" She said weakly, which affirmed my theory that she was indeed spent.
"Please..." I begged without actually answering her, "For me."
Her face was still stoic but I knew she was slowly breaking down the bricks around her heart so she could let me in.
"Please, just for the night." I cupped my hands on her cheeks as I looked into her eyes, pleading with my droopy eyes for the umpteenth time that day. "Don't make me kneel again."
She sighed, relenting to my proposal.
I removed my hands on her cheeks and intertwined it with hers.
Reluctantly, she followed me as I dragged her to the bed that sat somewhere near the window. She sat awkwardly on the end of the bed as I took two hoodies and shorts that were lying on the table after I had folded them prior, giving one pair of each so she could change out of her wrinkled dress.
"You don't have to change in the toilet.." I said softly. I didn't see the point of her being modest when just a week ago, we were naked rubbing on each other.
She struggled with her dress and I helped, causing her to turn as stiff as... well... boners when my hand accidentally came into contact with her skin.
"Sorry," I said.
This wasn't how I thought today was gonna end up like this; her flinching at a slight touch.
After the task was done, she changed into the oversized hoodie and shorts and laid down on the end of the bed, far from my side.
I followed suit after I changed too. I took the sheets off and draped them over us, her bodyheat now lazily traveling to my body under the white comforter.
She was looking at the ceiling, maybe pondering why she had accepted my request when just hours ago, she wanted nothing to do with me.
Just when she was turning for her back to face me, I grabbed her arm.
"Please, I wanna see your face."
She sighed - not like the annoyed sigh, more like the sigh when you give in on something you try hard not to - and turned to me instead, looking emotionally drained with her massively droopy facial expression. Her eyes were puffy and bloodshot from the emotional exertion we had both experienced today.
I thought that she needed assurance that she was welcomed here. I didn't want her to run away tomorrow so I told her, "Lucy and I didn't get back together," and hoped that it was enough to make her stay for now.
It wasn't a lot to take in but I thought it was enough.
She didn't say anything and neither did I. We just looked into each other's eyes for what felt like hours before her eyes fluttered until she finally fell into deep sleep.
I didn't know why I waited for her to sleep. Maybe I wanted her to sleep first so she couldn't escap. Or maybe, I was just trying to prolong what I already knew deep inside.
I spent my night just watching her vulnerable self. She looked like the girl I knew when we were 16; the days where nothing was this complicated. The days where everything was so peaceful and the only thing we had to worry about was whether or not we'd win The X-Factor.
As I realized that she wasn't going to wake up anytime soon, I relented to my body that was screaming for me to rest and fell into deep slumber.
When I woke up that morning though, it felt like deja vu as I realized she was gone. Except that it was her who walked away instead of me.
Deep inside, I knew that this was going to happen but still, I beat myself for it. I shouldn't have slept when Camila was obviously slowly slipping away from me.
I shouldn't have stayed until 4am to watch her sleep soundly in the same bed as me. Because if I didn't, maybe I could've woken up earlier and stopped her from walking out.
I sighed defeatedly as I stared at the now vacant space beside me.
I searched for something - anything really - she could've left me with and saw a piece of paper on the bedside table, along with a glass of orange juice.
I could've laughed at the situation if I wasn't hurting so much.
'Don't expect a call from me. Don't come find me.
-C'
The handwriting wasn't pretty and it shouldn't be special; if anything, it was just messy sentences that were almost indecipherable. The dark blue ink was from any other pen and the paper was ripped around the edges. But when I held it, it felt like it was the most expensive note ever. It felt like it was created beautifully with calligraphic font that holds deep poetry. It felt like it was the most important memo that death notes and historical letters were overshadowed.
I took the messy script and slowly tucked them safely inside my journal in the suitcase, cautious of any creases. Of course, the note had nothing but negative words aimed at me, but it's from Camila and I'll take what I could get.
Hell, if I could, I would taken the bedsheets from where Camila had just slept hours before and put them in my suitcase.
I soon walked over to the walk-in closet, dragging my feet across the carpeted floor.
I opened the door and there lays my 'what if?'
What if I called...
What if Lucy wasn't there when Camila went here...
What if I said no when Lucy said she wanted to talk...
What if I ignored Lucy and went to Camila instead...
What if I wasn't trying to be chivalrous and romantic by buying all these things and just went to her earlier...
There were balloons in the closet; deflating ones at that. Eight balloons that now embody how I felt that time.
There were also hundreds of white roses in a huge bag at the corner.
Yesterday, I was planning on surprising Camila at her home by placing white roses in her front lawn. I planned on putting them in an organized manner that would say, "Be mine?" that was large enough for Camila to take notice from the window of her room.
I would've done it earlier. But that one week consisted of me thinking if it was the right thing to do? If moving on to Camila after being engaged to my childhood best friend that fast was right. Because as much as I want her, I didn't want her to question whether my feelings for her was genuine or that she was just rebound.
But I decided that I didn't care. I wanted her and I'd spend every second of my life showing her just how much I did.
So I thought that a call wasn't enough. 3 days ago, I searched for white roses everywhere in Miami. I know I could've bought any type of flowers but white roses were our thing. She had given me a white rose for Valentine's day 3 years ago and we never gave each other any other type since then.
But it was harder than I thought, especially with the amount I needed.
But just today, after compiling every rose I had bought from various shops, everything was complete.
Just as I was getting ready to go to her house, Lucy suddenly called. She said she just wanted to talk. I almost said no but if I wanted to move on with Camila, I didn't want Lucy to still be an unsolved problem. I wanted a closure with her; something I never could with Camila.
So I asked her to come to my room instead. I didn't want to go to hers because I didn't want to go to the place where I saw her blatantly cheating on me. I didn't want to go to a public place where anyone could easily take pictures of us and notify Camila through gossip websites.
But I was stupid for not thinking of the possibility of Camila coming to me.
Lucy and I talked. And weird enough, I wasn't as hurt. For some reason, Camila running away from me now hurts more.
Lucy laid everything out there. She knew she was just a rebound after my breakup with Camila. But she ignored it because she wanted me and she thought that if I was with her long enough, I'd reciprocate my feelings for her.
And she thought I really did move on from Camila. She thought I moved on the second I asked her to marry me. But she said that subconsciously, I did that to fill the void from Camila's departing from the group.
She thought we were fine. She thought we were in love. But she said that her hope was soon destroyed the second Camila walked back into my life in the AMAs.
She saw how in love I was with Camila. She saw how my eyes lit up the second I saw Camila in that arena last year. She heard how my breath subtly hitched when I locked eyes with her. She saw that my eyes were trained on Camila when the show started.
She also knew that I went to Camila before she performed, even before the news broke out. She saw how sad I was when I walked back to my seat. She saw the tears that flowed down when Camila performed that song.
She saw and heard everything.
And soon after that night, she saw that she and I couldn't last.
So when she ran out of the hotel that night, she went out and got drunk with Sarah. Inhibitions went out the window and she and Sarah drunkenly hooked up.
And that's how it started.
Everytime I was with Camila, she was with Sarah.
She said that even if I wasn't physically cheating on her, I was emotionally..
I was with her but I was in love with another girl.
But she said that I shouldn't blame myself for it. Because at the end of the day, she was the one who actually lied and cheated.
So when the time hit 5pm, I decided that it was best for her to leave. After all, I was planning on going to Camila's and I couldn't wait any longer.
I planned everything and it had just burned down before I could do anything.
I spent my week missing her. I almost went to her and just laid everything out there. But I wanted it to be perfect so I decided to wait.
I didn't sleep that week either. Part of it was because I missed her. But the other part was because I was too excited, anticipating for what was about to come. I was counting the seconds, hours and days before I could be under her embrace again.
I was so excited that I started to roughly calculate how much roses I needed for it to be perfect. I calculated how big I wanted my the wording to be.
The balloons had one alphabet at each one.
I, L, O, V, E, Y, O, U.
And I planned on tying each one to different stones that were heavy enough to not make it float away. I planned on putting them just a few feet away from the roses, so that she could see everything one by one.
I thought it was the perfect proposal I could give her. It wouldn't be enough, especially since she deserves the moon, but I thought it was perfect enough for a start for us.
And what hurts was that I had high expectation for everything I planned.
I expected to put everything in 15 to 30 minutes. I expected to finally call her when she was in her room. I expected her to giddily run to the window to look at everything I had laid out. I expected her to run down to meet me downstairs. I expected her to encapsulate me in her very own koala hug. I expected her to kiss me with that sweet minty taste she always has. I expected her to smile brighter than anything in the world. I expected her to say yes.
And maybe.. I expected a future with her where we resign from our jobs and live in a house by the beach with 2 girls that has brown eyes like hers and green like mine.
I should've known that the universe had his own plan himself.
My eyes started to become glassy. One tear fell down against my cheek and I closed the door.
---
A/N
So... This is ahead of what I actually promised but some of y'all were so sweet that it kind of pushed me to write more (Even as I have Eng Lit exam tomorrow).
Sorry if there's grammar mistakes or stuffs.
50K. Yay
Also, I'd like to say thank you to blonde_tuna (love your freaking username by the way) for the cover.