21 – JUSTIN'S POINT OF VIEW (#BabyHit1Billion)
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'It was a million tiny little things that, when you added them all up, they meant we were supposed to be together and I knew it.'
- Tom Hanks, Sleepless in Seatle
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'I hate you.'
She repeated for the third time.
I counted.
Her hazel eyes reflected such horror and animosity that I couldn't keep my scrupling gaze away from her. It rooted me on the spot. I could barely move.
No matter how loud the bass of the music bounced off back in the cabaret, her words echoed loudly — a highlight within the waves of the noise.
She wasn't the first one who told me they hated me.
Selena shouted such foul words a month ago. I was hurt. I expected it from her. But not from Andrea.
Never with Andi.
The reason why even though someone was trying to catch my attention by pulling my wrist, I was struck by the sight of Jacques holding Andrea in his arms, walking away from me.
That night, her room was left empty.
I didn't understand. I should be happy. This is what I wanted right? To be free from the arrangement that was disabling my liberty to choose who I want... who I need.
I should've gone to Selena, pleaded for her understanding. What's the motive for the dreaded days that I keep myself drunk because of my broken-fucking-heart if I don't come to her and beg for another chance? What's the fucking use of going out of the house, drown myself into pity, and let Andrea see what's this marriage been doing to me?
'I hate you.'
How the fuck could she enunciate those words with conviction? Without remorse? Her cold eyes piercing through mine? She... out of all people... she doesn't get to say those words to me. No. She could never hate me. Not Andi. Not her.
So instead of answering Selena's call, I decided to dial Andrea's number. Selena can wait right? She'll understand. Andrea needed to know that Nana was waiting for her. When she didn't pick up the phone, I decided to go out of the house and looked for her. It had been a day. Nana's worried.
But then, Stephen found me first. And Ryan and Chaz... and Scarlet.
I was about to step outside when Stephen shouted my name and quickly punched me in the face. I tumbled back, hitting the ground. Ryan and Chaz immediately scurried into their feet and pulled Stephen away.
This fucking asshole.
"That's for Andrea, you fucker." He spat.
I scoffed as I gathered my wits and scrambled to my feet. "What the fuck are you doing here?"
"What did you do to Andrea huh?!" He demanded that immediately caught my attention.
My eyebrows furrowed. "What do you mean? Where is she?"
He gritted his teeth, ready to pull another hit but then I saw Scarlet getting out of the vehicle.
"Where is she?" I pressed as soon as I saw Andrea's best friend. She took a step back when I sauntered my way towards her.
Stephen quickly shielded Scarlet as he took a step in front of her. "Don't touch her you asshole!"
My jaw clenched. "Where is she?"
"The fuck you think we'll tell you." He said in extreme disgust. "She's better off with Jacques."
That just did it.
I smirked before swinging my fist into his fucking face. He straightway fell into the ground with a loud thud. I grabbed his collar and instantaneously gave him another blow. My blood rising in adrenaline and something else. I felt extremely pissed off.
"Justin! What the heck?! Stop! Ryan! Chaz!" Scarlet yelled.
"Justin! Oh my god! Stephen!" Nana's horrified voice rang from behind. But I didn't care.
I was about to punch Stephen again when two people held me back in a vice like grip. I was then pulled away from him, never giving me the chance to ruin his pesky face.
"Let me fucking go!" I shouted.
"Justin man fucking stop!" Ryan stated in anger as he was trying to restrain me. His hand tightening every time I was attempting to escape from his and Chaz's grip.
When Stephen stood up, he briskly walked towards my direction to retaliate but then Scarlet stood in front of him.
"Stephen stop."
"Scar." He snarked through his teeth.
"Just stop, okay? This won't help anyone." Scarlet said that he was left with no choice but to look away and succumb to her wishes.
Ha. I almost wanted to scorn. Dumb ass.
However, it was Scarlet who took careful strides towards me and stared — her irises swimming in hidden anger and exasperation.
Nobody expected it. Not even me. It was as if the motion was slowing down when her palm connected with my cheek. The sound reverberated from the silence of surprise. Someone gasped; I blinked. That fucking hurt.
"Scar." Chaz muttered beside me.
"I'm sorry but please don't look for her." She started, her voice quivering a little as she stood before me. I couldn't bring myself to gaze at her. My eyes on the ground as I listened to her words. "Give her the space she needs. I know she's the reason why you're in this marriage but... Justin, please, she has enough. Three years. Don't you think that's more than enough? Don't give her hope. Don't toy her around. If you love Selena then go and pursue her. Not Andi. Isn't this what you always wanted?"
I gritted my teeth. I couldn't speak. How... just how...
I felt something stuck inside my throat.
"She's fine. Andrea's going to be fine. Without you, she's more than fine. So please, I'm begging you."
How fucking cruel the world is.
But then, I knew it was my fault. I chose to hurt Andrea. And now she chooses to walk away from me.
And it hurt.
Seeing her getting inside the car with her driver, knowing she's off to a different way — a path I was not allowed to follow — cracked something inside of me. She never turned back. She looked like she was ready to leave everything behind.
That wasn't the Andrea I remember.
Ah fuck.
Stupid fucking self.
This is your fucking fault.
"Justin?" Elise's soft voice called, bringing me to the reality of where I was. I blinked a few times before I glanced at her. She was inside my arms as I carried her when Andrea was saying her bids of farewell. Her eyes staring at the open space in front of us.
"Yes Elise?"
"Mommy Andi will be back." She stated in comfort. My mouth opened a little in disbelief. When I didn't speak, she smiled. "She promised. She'll be back."
I bit my bottom lip. "Yeah, uhm, she'll be back to visit you tomorrow."
"Are you also visiting tomorrow? You should!" She screeched in excitement. "It will be fun!"
'Don't give her hope. Don't toy her around. If you love Selena then go and pursue her. Not Andi. Isn't this what you always wanted?'
Scarlet's voice echoed inside my mind. Her pleads taped into my thoughts, playing over and over again.
What the hell are you doing Justin? Just what the fuck... do you honestly want?
"I'm... probably busy tomorrow Elise." I whispered. When I saw her face frowned, I gently pinched her cheek. "I'll visit some other time."
—
When I saw Nana waiting for my arrival near the front-door, a small bitter smile appeared from my face. She was trying to peek inside my car when I stopped and parked at the driveway. She was still wearing her apron — she looked like she hurriedly went out of the kitchen to meet me (us, I guess).
"Justin!" She greeted when I closed the car door but her hopeful eyes straining inside the vehicle. When she realized I was all alone, the side of her lips sloped down. But as soon as she glanced back at me, she tried to smile again. "I cooked dinner."
I pursed my lips and heaved a sigh, pushing a grin just to lift the burdensome atmosphere. When I was near her, I placed my arm around her shoulder. "You should join me for dinner Nana. It's been years."
She exhaled deeply before we descended our way towards the house. "Well, its a good thing I cooked your favorite, young man."
"Spaghetti Bolognese it is." I smiled.
When we passed through the living room and reached the kitchen, Nana cleared her throat and gave me a small smile as I saw the rest of the feast she prepared. The burning crisp of steak tenderloin almost watered my tastebuds. A plate of Caesar salad and my favorite Spaghetti Bolognese were sitting side by side. Shifting my eyes near the end of the table, where a tray of fruits are in display, I saw and smelled the freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I bit my bottom lip and stared at Nana.
"I..." she started, "I just thought..."
"They all look delicious. Thank you Nana." I said, trying to overlook what she's trying to tell. But she was curious. And it's been days.
"Justin?" Hesitation was evident in her eyes as she wiped her hands on her garment. I waited but a minute passed by and Nana didn't continue.
"You can ask Nana." I softly encouraged. I knew she was just being careful.
She pursed her lips before asking, "Did you... see Andrea?"
"Yeah." My voice hoarse that I cleared my throat. Nana was the one who told me about the orphanage, how Andrea would spend her time there when she would like to clear her mind at times. "We talked."
"How is she?"
"She's fine." I said, an image of a smiling Andi appeared inside my thoughts as she found comfort within the establishment. I almost smiled too but then, to remind me, her hazel eyes filled with misery haunted through my own.
"That's good." Nana commented but I didn't gaze at her as the inevitable truth succumbed. I took a seat on the nearest chair and sighed.
"She's... not, uhm, coming back Nana."
"Oh. Well, maybe she's just trying to find her space Justin. She's—" I cut her off.
"It was my fault Nana." I professed with anger towards myself. My palms formed into tight fists.
"Justin."
"I was too selfish. I was too much. I..." I paused. "I don't even understand myself. I should be happy, ecstatic even! But I'm fucking not Nana. I should just... I can't even fucking look at her room without thinking she's gone. Every time I looked around this house, I feel like someone's missing!" I combed my fingers through my hair out of frustration. "She hates me. She told me she hates me."
"Justin, Andi would—"
"You should've seen her face Nana. She's... it's my fault. She had enough of my bullshits." I said. "If only I wasn't too... and I've left her here only to follow—"
"There's still time Justin." She stated. I took a peek at her. "You still have months before the contract ends. And what about Andrea's pregnancy? Did you talk about how to tell your parents about that?"
"Nana." I just said. Did she know we're just faking it?
"Of course I would know Justin. I live here with the two of you. There's not a single time where I've seen or hear any of you going inside each other's rooms. Except the night that you got drunk."
I don't know why I suddenly felt a little bit disoriented with Nana's statement. It's either because she's the one who had seen me grew up that talking about things like this was uncomfortable or because she knew we were lying and wasn't saying anything.
Maybe both.
"Do you ever wonder why you agreed lying with Andi? You could've told your parents right there and then."
My eyebrows met halfway, uncertain where Nana's going with her statement. "If I told them she's not, then a lot of things would get compromised."
And that, I just felt, it was somehow... wrong of me... to not go with whatever she was putting herself into. I even asked Scooter's help for the freaking ultrasound! He did not stop firing questions that day until I told him it was for Andrea. That shut him up.
"Uhuh... the night — only night — before this happened, when she came home late."
"I was just... worried that, uhm, Anthony would ask where she was."
"Then why are you more worried that she's gone when you could grab this chance to run after Selena — which of course, you've always known how I disagree with this decision of yours?"
"I... Selena..." I started. "I thought... I'm..." I tried to come up to my own understanding but eventually trailed off.
"Sometimes, you think you're home until you get lost along the way and realize what's missing." Her gentle eyes fixated towards me. "You've always been mad and frustrated about the choices that were taken away from you Justin. But I just think, you're hurt that Andrea, out of all people, could take away that freedom when she was one of the few trusted people who knew what that meant to you. She broke you." She placed a hand over my shoulder and lightly squeezed it. "In return, you broke her."
My heart throbbed at the truth behind Nana's words.
"You were kids back then. However, its different now. Learn from it. You have a choice Justin. Use it."
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