And you don't know what it's like,
To wake up in the middle of the night
Scaring the thought of kissing razors.
This blood evacuation is telling me to cave in,
Stay away from my friends.
~Pierce the Veil, "Stay Away From My Friends"
Luke's POV
“Luke. Luke, mate, wake up.”
Ugh. Why the hell do I feel like I was hit by a freight train? I don’t open my eyes, they feel like they’re glued shut anyway.
“Luke, you alright, man?”
“Luke?”
Wow. Everything’s so fucking loud. I can feel someone shifting me into an upright position. My eyes open just a crack and my head rolls lazily to the side. I can see feet. I’m sitting on the floor, I can tell that much. Someone’s holding my upper body up. I’m having trouble breathing.
I fight the urge to puke. Goddamn. It’s like my head is being hammered, or something.
“He’s awake,” someone hears. I think it’s Michael. I try to say something but it comes out in a whisper.
To be honest, nobody’s listening anyway. There are a lot of voices and hands all over me, and I wish I had the energy to push them all away, but I feel like I’m on the edge of passing out.
“Fuck him.” That’s definitely Calum. What did I do? What’s even going on?
I don’t remember anything.
“Ease up, Cal, it’s not his fault.” Ashton. I reach for him blindly and try to keep the room from spinning.
“Like hell. He could try not consuming mass amounts of coffee. How about that?”
“He’s studying for HSCs, he has to stay awake somehow.”
“Well, not this way.”
“What do you want him to do? You’re being ridiculous.”
“Nobody else drinks this much coffee. This isn’t safe.”
“You’re being overdramatic.”
“No, I’m fucking not. People have died from caffeine overdose, you know that?”
“Guys,” I try to say, but my mouth is too dry and I can’t form the words. I swallow hard and try again. “Guys. I’m okay.”
Calum shoves his face up in mine, irritated. “No, you’re not okay. You literally passed out twenty minutes ago, just dropped in the kitchen. We have a concert tonight. Stop screwing things up with your stupid caffeine addiction.”
“That’s enough,” Michael says firmly. “Calum, stop. It’s not helping.”
“You okay, buddy?” Ashton asks. “Feeling alright?”
I nod. I feel all limp and boneless.
“I swear to god, I am not taking you to the hospital,” Calum says impatiently. “Luke, are you alright to perform tonight?”
“Yeah,” I mumble, my words slurring a little.
“You don’t look okay,” Michael notes. “I don’t know, you’re kind of...like, feverish.”
It’s true I do feel a bit sweaty, like there’s a cold breeze under my shirt but my hands are still hot.
“What have you eaten all day?” Ashton asks, running his hand over mine to check for temperature. “Besides coffee.”
I exhale shallowly and try to think. “This morning I had...a waffle. And a glass of water. I forgot to eat lunch.”
“You’re probably dehydrated,” Calum says, abandoning his crankiness for a second. “Coffee is a diuretic, it dehydrates you.”
“Thanks, Doctor Calum,” Michael says. “Luke, maybe you should have something to eat and drink and sit down for a little. Take a break from studying.”
I try to stand up and Ashton stops me and pushes me down. He gives me a look that says If you do anything stupid I’ll kill you.
I sigh and stay sitting. Michael sits beside me and Ashton gets up to grab something for me to eat.
“Sorry,” I mumble, and Calum’s face falls.
“I know. It’s not your fault.”
“No, it really is.”
“Yeah, you’re right, it is.”
There’s a short silence. I’m on the verge of asking if one of them could keep an eye on Ashton just in case something’s going on. But maybe I’m being ridiculous. Before I can make up my mind, Ashton’s back with a glass of water and an apple.
---
Ashton’s POV
Luke was okay in the end. A bit tired and unenergetic during the concert, but he survived.
Everybody’s crammed into our hotel room. Or at least, that’s what I figure out when I finally leave the bedroom to get some food.
I can’t believe that even with my headphones I missed the fact that two extra people are in our hotel room and everybody’s in the main area.
How long have I been in the bedroom? Maybe ten minutes. Hard to believe that I missed all this.
Jody and Mariah are perched on opposite ends of the armchair. Luke’s poring over a math textbook.
“No way. No fucking way does that--” Luke gestures emphatically at a problem. “--equal that.”
“You’re doing everything wrong,” Mariah says impatiently. “Your mom’s a math teacher. Shouldn’t you be better at math? This is basic Algebra 2.”
“Product Property,” Jody says simply.
Luke’s eyes widen. “Oh.”
“Get it together, Luke,” Mariah groans.
There’s a movie playing on the TV. I don’t know what movie it is. I glance across to Calum, who’s lying on the couch and watching. Michael’s on his phone on the floor by Calum’s head, not really paying attention.
“Luke,” I try to say, but the movie’s too loud and nobody even glances my direction. “Luke. Luke. I need to talk.”
I can’t seem to make myself talk above a whisper. Maybe it’s a sign that I’m not supposed to say anything. Luke’s under enough stress, isn’t he? I don’t need to put this on him. Let him focus on HSCs.
Could I talk to Calum? No. Calum’s good, but he’s not as good as Luke. He won’t listen as well.
Michael? Not Michael, either. Still not as good as Luke. There’s nobody I want to talk to about this except Luke.
Michael and Calum would only tell me that I’m supposed to be taking my antidepressants and talking to the therapist. All I want is to talk to Luke.
I don’t know why all of this is coming back. It’s been creeping up on me for a month now. This is stupid. I can take care of this.
I sit down in the last remaining armchair and try to focus on the movie, but I’ve jumped in too late and I don’t know what’s going on, and I don’t want to ask Calum and Michael, who are talking and giggling.
I thought maybe if I could just sit here a while that maybe somebody would notice and I could talk, but now I realize that was stupid too. They’re all absorbed in what they’re doing.
Besides, I swore to myself that I wouldn’t bother anybody with my problems. Too many people know. Luke’s the only one I could count on not to stop listening or get annoyed.
Just leave it until after HSCs. Just until after HSCs. I keep repeating it in my head.
After about fifteen minutes, I get up and go back to my room and lie down on the bed.
They looked so relaxed. Calum and Michael have temporarily forgotten what happened with Luke this morning, and Luke was laughing while he was studying. I didn’t want to bring it up. I didn’t want to see their eyebrows pinch together, didn’t want to see their concern.
This is wrong. Don’t let it go too far.
But I can only tell Luke. And right now Luke is off limits.
---
Luke’s POV
When the movie ends and Mariah and Jody go back to their own room, I decide to go to bed. If I want to avoid a repeat of this morning, I need to stop trying to pull later and later nights and just get some sleep.
I strip off my shirt and change into some sweatpants before reaching to pull back the covers for bed.
Ashton’s lying on top of the covers in full clothing, his phone an inch from his hand, off. His eyes are shut and he looks tense.
I reach across and work his shirt off, and then his jeans. I yank out the covers from underneath him and crawl in next to him, letting the covers fall back down.
He makes a muffled noise and I realize I must have woken him up.
“Sorry, Ash,” I whisper. “Go back to sleep.”
“Luke,” he mumbles sleepily.
“Back to sleep, Ash.”
He doesn’t protest, just shuts up and curls a little tighter.
I sigh. I feel bad. Like I’ve been ignoring him, except he’s been hiding from everyone. I’ll ask Michael to keep an eye on him. In the morning. I’m too tired to get up now.
He’s been acting so--off. It’d be unusual for me to misread him. I need to trust my instincts. He’s supposed to be taking antidepressants, which should be helping a little bit, and the therapist, too. I need to keep studying for HSCs, and then I can focus on Ashton again.
I want to be selfish and just assume Ashton is going to be fine, but the truth is that with someone like Ashton, you just can’t afford to be selfish. I was fully aware of that going into this relationship. And yet, if I focus fully on Ashton and let my studying go to the winds, I might not pass my HSCs and my mum’s going to be upset. The deal with going on tour was that I had to keep up my schoolwork.
I have to ask Michael in the morning. I should take care of this myself, but sometimes I’m going to have to ask for help.
I’m allowed to do that, right? I’m allowed to ask for help. Ashton’s probably not going to do anything anyway.
Right?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(A/N) Is anybody else emotionally damaged by the song Amnesia? I am.
I'm going back to school tomorrow, I've been on break :( I don't want to.
The song is mainly for the lines I wrote up at the beginning, but also because Ashton feels distanced from his friends. Not sure how clear that is. Go look at it on spotify, it's copyrighted so it's taken off YouTube.
ALSO I HAVE STARTED A COLLABORATION WITH THE AMAZING @5sosandfood, WHO IS THE AUTHOR OF YOUTH AS WELL AS A WALKING TRAVESTY AND THEY'RE BOTH TWO OF MY FAVORITE LASHTON STORIES EVER AND I HAVE BEEN EXCITED FOREVER SO PLEASE GO READ IT IT'S CALLED "I'm Only Human" AND THE PROLOGUE IS UP ON MY CHANNEL NOW PLEASE JUST MAKE US HAPPY AND READ IT
Okay, do your thing, vote, comment, subscribe. Once again you guys have brightened up my week (even though something's weird with my wattpad) and I could not be more thankful for you guys so bless all of ya <3
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