*And I've been a fool
And I've been blind
I can never leave the past behind*
-Florence + the Machine *Shake it out*
Chapter 20
The shrill whistle of the train blew as it pulled away from the station. It was on to bigger and better places, but not me. I remained an outsider looking in on the train as it left me in the dust. I was stupid in thinking that it could change a thing for me. Being a thousand miles away wouldn’t alleviate my unhappiness. Might as well deal with the pain I’m feeling in a familiar place than some place new.
And so this is how I found myself in Groverfield Cemetery instead of on a train to Ohio. I’m not sure what it was that drew me there. In all honesty, I’d done my best to stay away from this place for quite some time now. My mother’s funeral was the last time I’d been here. That day was one of the hardest of my life and I’d had no desire to come back until now, on the second hardest day of my life.
Even though I hadn’t been here I had no trouble finding my mother’s gravestone. It looked exactly the same as it had the last time I’d been here, except that there were fresh flowers laid in front of it now. I sit down before it, looking at the flowers with curiosity. Did my dad put them there? Or was it Keaton? Or someone else entirely? I felt like I should know.
“What do I do, Mom?” I asked mournfully, putting my head in my hands.
She didn’t answer, of course. That would be an all new kind of crazy, even for me.
Although, I have to admit I was sort of hoping that by coming here everything would suddenly become clear. Like what I had to do next. However, this didn’t seem to be the case. Instead I just added the sadness of losing my mom to the sadness of all the other stuff that’s going on. Maybe I should’ve went to Ohio after all.
The only good thing about being here, though, was that I did actually feel closer to my mother. I knew that it was really only her body that was here, but still. It felt like maybe a part of her was, too. Or maybe that was just my hope deluding me. Either way, I was in no rush to leave. Using my backpack as a pillow, I laid down to wait. For what I was waiting for I’m not sure. Something, though. I was definitely waiting for something.
* * *
Without meaning to I fell asleep. When I wake up it’s to a night sky full of twinkling stars. Most people would probably be afraid to be in a cemetery alone at night, but not me. Okay, the cemetery part is a little creepy, but the night has always been my favorite. I never even realized how much I truly loved it before, until this moment as I lie beneath the stars and moon.
My body is cramped with the stiffness of sleeping on the hard ground, but I don’t move. I stay just like that, trying to hold on to the little piece of the night sky that’s found me tonight. Even though it’s still above me with no signs of leaving, I can already feel it slipping away into the harshness that daylight brings.
An unknown amount of time passes when suddenly I hear footsteps approaching. Then there’s a sigh of relief and the footsteps quicken. I don’t bother looking at who it is, it’s too late to run by now. And honestly I’m too tired to try.
“Took me awhile, but I finally realized that if there was anywhere you‘d go it‘d be here.”
I didn’t even glance up. There was no point. I’d know that voice anywhere.
“How did you even know to look?” I ask Dace, still staring up at the sky.
“Your father called, seemed pretty worried about you,” Dace replies and I shrug. My father was only worried because it was his fault. Hell, he’d probably be happy if I disappeared. He’d just about said as much by purposely avoiding me for the last few months.
“I’m sure he did,” I say. My sarcasm doesn’t get by Dace.
“He also told us what happened. I’m sorry,” Dace says gently and my shoulders tense. I don’t need Dace of all people feeling sorry for me.
“Yeah, well parents suck. You should know that,” I reply. He silently drops down beside me and I can feel his eyes on my face. I refuse to look at him, though. It gives me some kind of satisfaction that I can at least deny him this.
“Sometimes they do,” he agrees, but then he takes me by surprise. “That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t forgive them.”
This finally gets me to turn to him with a look of outrage.
“Are you serious? You of all people shouldn’t be preaching to me about forgiveness. When was the last time you even saw your father, hmm?” I snarl. It’s a cruel thing to say really, but I can’t help myself. For a second I just want to make him hurt as much as I do. But then I feel horrible for thinking this. I turn my face away and look up to the sky once again.
“A few hours ago actually. I was with him when your dad called,” he tells me. I sneak a glance at him out of the corner of my eye and see that he is watching me with complete seriousness.
“So what? You just forgave him for everything he did?” I demand.
“No, but I’m working on it. They aren’t getting divorced, you know. My mom and dad. They’re going to try and work it out,” Dace admits quietly. “I figure if my mom can learn to forgive him then I should try, too.”
A shocked silence follows. I didn’t expect that even a little. Mads forgave him? After what he did? It didn’t make any sense! He cheated on her. There was no going back from that…or was there? After all, I did almost forgive Wesley after he cheated on me. Even through all the hurt and pain I felt, the love for him was still there. Love doesn’t just magically disappear because the person hurts you. It’ll fade eventually, of course. If you let it. But maybe it’s more painful to let it go then it is to forgive sometimes.
“Wow. I’m, uh, happy for them,” I mumble uncertainly. The sting of Mads rejection is still very real for me. Talking about her only brings this feeling back to the surface.
“She feels horrible, you know. About taking it out on you the way she did. When she found out what happened with your dad, well, she felt really guilty,” Dace tells me as if he knows exactly what I’m thinking.
“Why? Why did she hate me so much for it? What did I do that was so bad?” I ask him, feeling like a very young child as I look up at him.
“Nothing, Ivy. She was just dealing with a lot and well, I think it was easier to place all her anger at not being told on you then me because she still has to see me all the time. She regrets it so much, though. You should’ve seen her face when she found out you were missing. She’s actually out looking for you now. They all are,” Dace replies. I wrap my arms around myself to stop the shaking. I don’t want Dace to see how close I am to breaking. Just not him, of all people.
“Aren’t you going to tell them that you found me? Or drag me away to them, kicking and screaming?”
“No. I’m going to lay here with you until you’re ready to do it yourself,” he says and I make a face at him.
“You’re gonna have to wait a very long time,” I mutter and he dares to laugh.
“I’ve waited seven years, Ivy. I can wait a little longer,” he says casually. His words cut right through me, the not so hidden meaning slapping me right in the face. For some reason this is the thing that finally breaks me and I have no control whatsoever as my body collapses in extremely loud sobbing.
Dace seems surprised and reaches out to me in concern. I immediately swat his hand away. He ignores this and attempts to pull me towards him. That’s when I completely lose it and start hitting and pushing him away.
“Don’t touch me! Don’t you dare touch me! I hate you! I hate you so much!” I sob hysterically. It’s not true. Not even a little. But it makes me feel good to see the look of hurt that crosses his face.
“Ivy, calm down! I wasn’t trying to upset you,” he exclaims, eyes wide with worry and confusion. He reaches for me again and although I still struggle, I don’t hit him or push him away.
“Stop. Just stop, okay? I can’t take it anymore. It’s not fair!” I say between gasps for air. I know I sound like a little kid, but I can’t help it.
“What’s not fair. Ivy, look at me!” he demands. I do as he asks as if I can’t help it. My wide, pain-filled eyes stare into his deep blue ones. For once his shields are completely down. He looks almost vulnerable. This makes me cry even harder.
“That I love you. It’s not fair that I love you,” I whisper brokenly. Dace gives a surprised gasp, but doesn’t say anything. I hate myself for being so weak.
“I know I’m too late, okay? You waited for years for me to realize how I felt and now that I have it’s too late. I don’t blame you. I mean I did at first, but how can I blame you for giving up on me? You had every right to,” I mumble dejectedly as he stares at me with growing surprise.
“Wait, what? I didn’t give up on you, Ivy. I’m right here. I’ve always been right here,” he says while holding my face between his hands so that he knows I’m really listening.
“But…I saw you! You were with Maya!” I exclaim with a mix of confusion, hope, and fear all at once. Dace looks away for a moment, a look of regret passing over his face.
“I kissed her, but only because I thought you and Wes were getting back together. I saw you two outside. You’d been talking for awhile and when I looked out you were hugging, what was I supposed to think?” he asks, voice full of regret. Me and Wesley had hugged that night, but only as friends. I can imagine what Dace must have thought at seeing that, though.
“I just…I wasn’t thinking clearly after that. It’s awful, but I wanted to hurt you as much as you hurt me. And when Maya came, I just…I kissed her. And then I looked up and there you were, looking so small and hurt. God, I wanted to take it all back. But it wouldn’t really matter if I did because you’d never be mine anyway. And then you were gone and I just wanted to forget you. I thought she could help with that, but when I was kissing her I just kept thinking of how I wished it was you. So, I stopped. That’s all that happened, Ivy. That’s all,” he rambles, looking heartbroken. For the first time in what feels like months I feel like I can actually breathe again.
“So…you still want me?” I ask so softly as if I’m afraid saying it will make him disappear.
“Always.”
The biggest, stupidest grin slides across my face. There are a million things I want to say, yet I can’t think of how to phrase a single one. It’s doesn’t matter. I know he can see it written all over my face.
“Dace?” I say finally.
“Yes?”
“You’re not drunk are you?” I ask and a look of confusion passes through his eyes.
“Umm, no. Why?” he replies and I grin as I lean forward.
“Because I want to be one hundred percent positive that you’ll remember this,” I whisper and then kiss him.
He’s momentarily surprised, but then he’s kissing me back and I feel like I could die of happiness. Although, that would totally ruin the moment, so I don’t think I’ll do that. It would be kind of suiting, though, with us being in a cemetery and all.
Speaking of, as Dace’s mouth melds with my own we end up moving backwards until my back is pressed against a gravestone. And as much as I want to keep kissing him forever, even I have to admit that making out on top of a dead person isn’t exactly a turn on. Like, I feel kind of sick just thinking about it.
“Hey, Dace?” I say, breaking away.
“Hmm?” he mumbles against my neck as he continues to kiss me. If he moves his mouth back up to my own I don’t think I’ll be able to break away again. I’ve waited too long for this and well my self-control only goes so far, dead people be damned.
“Am I the only one that finds it weird we’re making out in a cemetery?” I ask and he laughs against my neck, which sends shivers racing down my spine.
“Not the most romantic place, huh?” he replies. Especially because being here sort of makes me think of my mom and honestly the last thing I want to be thinking about while making out with Dace is my dead mother. I can totally picture her giving me the whole sex talk for the second time, which let me tell you it was bad enough the first. I was so emotionally scarred, I didn’t leave my room for days. Yes, I’m completely hopeless and yes, I know it.
“Not really,” I whisper back.
Without warning Dace lifts me off the ground and into his arms. A strangled scream escapes me, which causes him to laugh hysterically while trying to shush me at the same time. He grabs my backpack and carries it and me both to his truck.
“You know I can walk, right?” I ask once he’s already set me down in the passenger seat.
“I wasn’t aware,” he mutters with a smirk before closing the door and walking around to the other side. As soon as he gets in, I slide into the middle seat to be closer. I spent over a week now thinking that he didn’t want me, so I’m going to take advantage of every second of closeness I can have with him now. I know that sooner or later I’m going to wake up from whatever dream I’m living in, but right now this is the only good thing that’s happened in quite some time so I’m going to enjoy it while it lasts.
“I guess I should probably let everyone know that I found you,” Dace says and I bite my lip. As happy as I am about being with Dace right now just thinking about my father makes me want to run from this truck screaming. I’m definitely not ready to see him yet.
“Or we could stay here and make out some more?” I offer hopefully. This seems like a much better idea if you ask me. By the look on Dace’s face I know that he thinks so too, but he isn’t going to give in anyway.
“As nice as that sounds, you can’t run away from your dad forever. You need to talk to him,” he replies.
“And I will. Just later,” I mutter in one last attempt. I even try batting my eyelashes at him, but I don’t really get the whole concept and so I’m pretty sure I probably just look like a twitching lunatic. Yeah, some things never change.
“Or you could go see your dad now and we could do this later,” he counters and I stick my tongue out at him. Apparently he is able to resist my womanly charms. Stupid boy.
“You’re the worst boyfriend ever! Who even tries to do the right thing these days? You’re probably the only one,” I mutter causing him to laugh.
“Boyfriend?” he asks with a raised eyebrow.
“Considering we both just confessed our love for one another, which resulted in you trying to stick your tongue down my throat, yeah I’d say you’re my boyfriend,” I reply.
“Wow, you really have a way with words,” he says somewhat sarcastically. Okay, a lot sarcastically.
“Can you believe you waited years for this? I totally had you fooled,” I reply jokingly.
“Still do,” he whispers and leans down to kiss my lips again. He pulls away all too soon and I let out a groan of frustration, which he smiles at. “I can’t believe that you’re really mine. It’s like a dream.”
With only a slightly evil smirk, I reach out and pinch his arm. He yelps, pulling away from me, which causes me to burst into laughter. I mean, he totally set himself up for that one.
“Nope, not dreaming,” I reassure him and he glares at me. “And what was with that anyway? Totally sappy, if you ask me. What happened to dark and unattainable Dace? He’s turned into a mushy romantic, that’s what.”
Dace cheeks actually turn pink at my words, which causes me great satisfaction. Never have I seen him blush in my life and it excites me more than it should that it was me that finally broke him. Okay, I’m sort of an evil person that takes pleasure in the discomfort of others, but I was completely joking about what I said. I’m totally flipping out myself that he actually wants to be with me. Yet I’m a complete fool when it comes to expressing my feelings and so of course I do the stupidest thing possible and make fun of him. That’s how socially skilled I am. Or should I say unskilled.
“You want dark and unattainable? Fine, get out of my car,” he says flatly and pulls over on the side of the road. He looks at me completely seriously, like he really expects me to get out right now and walk home.
“Uh, well it’s kind of dark actually. And sort of far. So, um, don’t kick me out of your car please, Mr. Unattainable,” I mutter, looking at him through my lashes. The serious look vanishes from his face replaced with a smirk of his own.
“Are you sure? Because if you stay here I might say something mushy and romantic again. And I know how uncomfortable that makes you,” he replies, eyes full of laughter.
“I’m willing to get over my discomfort for you. I mean, I know how sad you’d be if I actually left,” I tell him and then reach over and pat his shoulder reassuringly.
“Just the saddest,” Dace agrees.
As he pulls away from the curb and starts driving home once again, my happiness fades just the tiniest bit. The anxiety I have at seeing my father sets in once again until I’m staring glumly out the window. Dace takes one look at me and grabs my hand in his, squeezing gently. This tiny reassurance is enough to know that whatever happens it’s going to be alright. As long as Dace is around it’ll be alright.