"You can never run away from your shadows, from your monsters. They are your true enemy, and the sad thing is, you are your own hero. No one can save yourself, except you."
I found out the hard way that you can never run away from your inner turmoil, inner monsters, inner dreams, inner emotions, inner whatever it may be.
You can run, try as you may - they will turn back on you. Corrupt you, change you, swallow you whole until you desperately drown in the hopes of escaping the darkness within.
For years and years I have run and run, thinking I can outwit them. That I was strong enough, brave enough to be conscious of them, thinking that I actually beat them.
Turns out that I haven't.
I've lured myself into the lion's den, weapons thrown away, all by myself in my weakened state.
It just happened.
Not with a click, no, not with a blink of an eye - I just realized gradually that something - changed.
I couldn't cry anymore. Not for long anyways.
I would shed a few slight baby tears, perhaps be mad for a little second... but that's it.
I couldn't even express or even fully comprehend whatever that was going on in my mind it was just to bizarre.
I couldn't let go.
It is the worst thing for anyone to ever experience.
Oh no it's not what you think.
I can let go just fine.
You hurt me?
It's okay I don't hate you.
I forgive you.
You annoy me?
It's okay I don't hate you.
I forgive you.
I hurt me?
It's okay I don't (Do I?) hate you.
I forgive (Do I?) you.
Again and again and again it's just annoying.
More than annoyance, more than fear, more than anger, more than vengeance, more than anything hurtful -
I couldn't let go of myself.
I don't know if I'm right or wrong. It's all perspective.
I blame myself if things go wary.
I blame myself if people get mad.
I blame myself if people get lost.
I blame myself for everything.
Because I believe it.
And that's the thing.
I drown in the piteous seas of sadness and refuse to swim up and grab a sail.
I jump out of the cliff.
I crawl down the hole.
I sing for the predators.
I risk my lives for thieves.
Is that just me?
So guess what?
I don't want it anymore.
So I run.
And I run.
And I don't stop.
And when I stop?
It's because I don't want to crack.
I want to write all those abrasive acerbic astringent words all for you all for me all for the entire cruel world in my messed up mind all those I've kept hidden for years to come because I can't hold it back I'm trying but I can't. But I can. Because I won't. I won't scar this letter and words I can't abuse this type of thing because in the end it's me.
It's me to blame for everything.
And I can't stop it.
I know why but I can't help.
I know why I feel the way I do but I can't help but think this way because this world is wrong.
It's just wrong in my strident mind that refuses to quieten.
I just don't know how to let it all out peacefully because there are no words that will brighten the sun.
I have run out of space.
The shadows are already catching up on me.
I have to take in what I can't forgive yet of myself.
I have to realise and appreciate this wonderful world I live in which I made so cold purely because of my sensitivity of these thoughts and of running away.
I have to... I have to...
I've seemingly run too much that I can't put the words out. Afraid of it damaging the entire world.
The shadows have already taken me.
I've tried swimming up but I can't anymore but I try because of the sun and the moon and the stars but - I'm just too...
I can't even say it anymore.
I'm loosing myself.
I'm loosing my mind.
Loosing the words because I don't want to lose you.
It's either you or me.
My harsh words of running all these years towards you that will break you.
Or the harsh words of running to fall on me and break me into pieces that will melt and shy away into oblivion in which hopefully no one will ever understand or see.
But no.
I'm writing this to hope that I can work hard.
That I can capture them up. Role them into a ball. Put my shadows in place and fix the problems.
Because I'm nearly there. Because I'm nearly falling.
Because I really want to be happy.
But I'm not.
And I want to.
But I can't. Not yet. Because I've run too far too out of reach too much that I'm cold and...and...
And too broken.
Only held up by a single piece of plastic wrapper.
But I will try.
Because I don't want these terrible thoughts and feelings and words.
Because I only see the beauty everywhere but me and that is just wrong and I know it but I can't help it because I'm just too sensitive so I run and run and run and run and run.
I just want to know that someone understands.
I just want to be peaceful.
I just want quiet.
And happiness.
And I want to work for it. Fight for it for the light that still shines as I try to make my own light but it's hard but I want it.
And I will fight.
Because I appreciate this world and what it has made out of me - lost, at the edge, tired; but stronger, braver, kinder.
At least, I hope so.
Even I hesitated to write those benign words that I don't feel match me.
But I will fight no doubt.
For those who care about me (hesitant on that)
For those who haven't gotten this far.
For me.
I'll do it for me.
For the world.
I will run back.
---
Author's note:
This is a little messed up but hope you got your own little meanings in this deep dark piece ahaha.
Life's a little messy as it should be but hang on tight because there's food. And because there're books and light and imagine pink fluffy unicorns. :D
And, last but not least...
~You are amazing.
~You are awesome - because you are reading this, kidding, you are still awesome.
~You are phenomenal.
You are amazing in more than a million different ways.
~ Winter :D