Chapter 44
All of a sudden, biglang tumawa 'yung isang kapatid ni Fier. It was a mocking laugh, I was certain of that. Kahit nasaktan ako, pinilit kong 'wag na lang pansinin. Ano pa ba ang silbi ng pride sa ganitong panahon? Right, my priority was to keep Fier in the country so screw pride.
Sometimes, people choose pride over what's really essential. That's just a foolish decision pretending to be something wise. So yeah, right now you would feel good because you satiated whatever your ego tells you what's good but give it some time, you'd feel something hollow within you. You just let go of something important. And once you let go of that one special thing, there's no assurance that you can chase it back. Because there's this possibility that someone has seen its importance and boy, there's just no turning back in real life.
"Are you crazy?" tanong niya sa akin. His eyes were scrutinizing and mocking me at the same time. It was degrading, really, but I got to swallow every goddamn pride I had inside my body.
I took a calming breath and shook my head. "Seryoso ako. Hindi pwedeng umalis si Fier. Please."
I may seem hopeless and pathetic but should I care about that? It was a tug of war between love and obscurity. And honestly, it was insane. Hindi ko din alam kung bakit ko 'to ginagawa but I just had to... It felt like I would lose all my senses kung hindi ako gagawa ng paraan.
The other brother looked at me and shook his head.
"Chance, una na ako sa loob," he said and then started walking. But then, he stopped for a bit when he passed by me. "Masasayang lang ang effort mo, Alys. Mas matigas pa sa bato 'yan," he whispered in my ears and then walked away. His voice sent shivers down my spine. It was frightening enough and him adding on to that made everything just worse. Thank you, Lourd.
Seemed like what I was doing was close to a suicide mission but what the hell. This needed to be done and I'd do it.
"Ano ba ang dapat kong gawin para pumayag ka?" I asked, half minding that I was actually making a deal with the devil right at this very moment.
He shrugged and then leaned back on his shiny car. His eyes spelled dangerous but it was a game I was willing to play. Anything for Drake right at this very moment.
"Will you be willing to let go of Drake?"
My jaw fell.
"What? No!" I exclaimed. I would do everything but that! God knows how much I had suffered para lang makarating kami ni Drake sa puntong 'to. Gagawin ko na lahat ng katangahan pero hindi 'yung iwan siya. Ang nagagawa lang naman ng paghihiwalay sa amin ay ang gawin kaming parehong malungkot at desperado. I should know because I have lived the experience.
He, then, shrugged. "Then shut up. Alam mo para kang tanga. Aalis na yung kapatid ko para mag-give way pero ikaw pa 'tong humaharang."
Nagsimula na siyang maglakad pero ako na naman 'tong parang tanga gaya ng sabi niya, hinabol siya.
"Hindi naman sa ganun. Paano na lang yung anak nila kung hindi niya makikilala si Drake?" I tried to sound as reasonable as I could be. It was a useless attempt. This guy looked like he's used to having things his way. Pero not this one. Not at the expense of me and Drake being apart. Hindi ko na kaya. Those four years were torture enough.
Hindi siya huminto sa paglalakad. Talking to this man was exhilarating.
"21st century na, Miss. Mabubuhay yung pamangkin ko kahit hindi magpakita 'yang asawa mo," sabi niya at saka iniwan ako ng tuluyan.
I watched him walk away, unable to do anything at all. Siguro nga tama siya na makakaya naman ni Fier kahit wala si Drake. Pero paano si Drake? Hindi ko alam kung maibabalik ko pa siya sa dati. He's too broken now. God, I just hope he wasn't too broken to be fixed... My heart would be devastated.
Mas lalong sumakit ang ulo ko sa narinig ko mula sa kanya. Mukhang desidido na siya na tulungan si Fier na umalis sa bansa.
Looking at him and how the Sandovals bring themselves, alam kong mahihirapan akong hanapin si Fier once na magdesisyon siyang hindi magpakita.
My life was such a pool of mess.
Tumalikod ako at nagsimulang maglakad pabalik sa sasakyan ko. This won't do. Kailangan kong gumawa ng paraan.
I drove back to Drake's office since I figured na wala siya sa bahay nila ngayon. It's been weird since Fier had decided to take away his rights as the father of the child. Mas inuubos niya 'yung oras niya sa pagtatrabaho. Minsan nakakalimutan niyang kumain. Could they blame me if I was exerting this much effort? Nasasaktan ako sa nakikita ko kay Drake kahit pa hindi siya magsalita.
I knew he loved the child.
Kahit hindi niya sabihin, I could feel it.
Stepping on the grounds of his office, I searched for his presence. I was crossing my fingers, hoping na nandyan siya, tahimik na nakaupo at nagbabasa ng kung ano man ang dapat niyang basahin. It's better than seeing him mope. No. Drake didn't do moping. But I knew him enough to feel him suffering inside.
"Is Drake around?" I asked his secretary. She said yes kaya naman pumasok na ako sa loob.
I looked around his placed. It looked messy and trashed. He has been spending his nights here. Again.
"Drake?" I called out his name but to no avail. Walang sumasagot. I decided to wait on his couch instead. Minutes later, I was so bored that I decided to invade his privacy. We're husband and wife, after all.
My heart was torn into pieces nung nakita ko kung ano 'yung nasa laptop ni Drake.
Pictures of kids. Brochure of nursery school. How to be a good father tabs.
Drake...
Tears unconsciously rolled down my eyes. My heart was hurting and I couldn't stop it. Drake's devastated and it was scaring me.
Ilang beses ko ng nakitang nasaktan si Drake but this was the worst blow. Ngayon lang siya nagkakaganito. Dati, tahimik lang siya at parang walang nangyari pero ngayon? It's as if you could see him slowly crumbling down. It was just too much to bear.
How much of a torture it is to see the man you love slowly fade away? Right in front of you?
I closed his laptop and slowly digested everything in. Kailangan kong mapigilan si Fier. I just needed to. Hindi siya pwedeng umalis.
With trembling hands, I dialed her number.
I've waited and waited for her to pick up my call but she just didn't. Maybe she blocked me in every way possible. Damn it, Fier! Just this once, pwede makinig ka?! Hindi lang naman ikaw yung naapektuhan.
Instead, I called her best friend. This was my last straw.
"H-hello? Cristine?" I said, my voice slowly on the verge of breaking.
"Alys! Oh, my god! Are you crying?" she asked.
I shook my head in attempt to convince myself as well na hindi ako umiiyak. It was a stupid move, really. My face was giving it all. I was crying and I didn't have enough to hide it. It was so damn conspicuous.
"Where are you? Puntahan kita jan!" she said in a worried tone.
I stifled my sobs and controlled my breathing. There's no way she should see me like this. Seeing me at my weakest state would only make things worse.
"No, just talk to me here..." I said. "K-kamusta si Fier?" I asked her.
There was a deep breath and then silence. Ayaw niya sigurong sabihin. And I couldn't blame her exactly. She's her best friend.
"Alys..."
"Cristine, do something, please."
"As much as I want to, hindi ko kaya, Alys. It's her life. And she's hurt, too."
"But how about Drake?"
The silence was long. Wala sa amin ang gustong magsalita. It was like taboo. Paano na nga si Drake? We could survive, sure, but the memory of him losing his child would forever haunt us. Hindi ko naman hinihiling kay Fier na magstay siya. Ang ayaw ko, yung umalis siya without the promise of returning back, much more to have Drake know his own blood.
"I don't know, Alys... I care about Drake like you. I talked to Fier, I swear! But she's made up her mind. She was really hurt nung mas pinili ni Drake na umalis siya despite the face na magkaka anak na sila... It was too much for her..."
I sobbed and sobbed. There was no stopping her.
I bid my goodbye and then sat on the couch.
Dahan dahan kong inayos ang gamit niya. I tried to paint a smile on my face but it was just so damn impossible at this moment. Masyadong magulo. Mas lalo siyang madedepress kapag ganito ang nakapaligid sa kanya.
Nagbilin ako sa secretary niya na wag payagang magtrabaho si Drake habang hindi pa siya nakakakain. That man's just too stubborn for his own good.
Habang palabas ako ng office niya, nakasalubong ko si Tripp.
"Zy?" he asked me, medyo nagtataka kung bakit ako nandun.
Out of the blue, I hugged him. Wala na akong pakielam kung pag-usapan pa ako ng mga empleyado nila Tito Steve. Damn, I just needed that hug.
"Ayos ka lang?" His voice was full or urgency and worry. I nodded but he just pursed his lips. "Jan ka lang," he said and then led me to the couch on the lobby.
I watched him as he gave the file to the secretary. May mga iba pa siyang sinabi pero hindi ko na marinig. Right now, ayoko na lang mag-isip. Ang sakit sakit na talaga ng ulo ko.
After a while, natapos na din siya sa pakikipag usap sa secretary. Pinuntahan niya ako. His face was a painting of heartbreak and hope. God knows how much I want to let go of Tripp pero hindi ko pa talaga kaya. Was I being selfish tagging him along? I have been honest with him. It's Drake whom I love but still, hindi ko pa kayang iwan si Tripp. We have been through so much.
He was gone for a second and returned with a bottle of water in his hands.
"Uminom ka," he ordered. I gladly obliged. Wala na rin kasi akong lakas makipagtalo.
"Anong problema, Alys?" he asked.
Tumingin ako sa kanya ang tried to stifle my sobs. Ayokong umiyak dito. Masyadong masakit. Ayokong makita nila akong ganito.
He took a really deep breath and put his arms around me and led me to the elevator. The silence was enveloping us while we were going down. I was silently sobbing while he was looking away, biting his lips out of sheer frustration.
Wasn't my case just a hopeless one?
Nakarating kami sa ground floor. Everything was dark.
"Pwede ka ng umiyak," he said when we got inside his car.
The moment he said that, I let out all my controlled sobs. Sa harap lang ni Tripp talaga ako nakakaiyak ng ganito. Hindi ko alam pero sa harap ni Drake, hindi ko kayang umiyak ng ganito. Alam ko kasi na hindi siya sanay na makita akong ganito. Ayokong makita niya ako na sobrang bagsak. I was like this when he left me: a wreck. Tripp saw it all. 'Wag si Drake. Ayoko.
"Alys, ayoko sanang makielam pero ano ba? Wala ka ng ibang ginawa kung hindi umiyak," he said.
I didn't respond because I can't. I was sobbing so hard that I couldn't even compose a coherent sentence.
"It wasn't Drake's fault..." I reasoned out.
He sighed. He was frustrated. Minsan, sinabi sa akin ni Tripp na ang isang bagay na nakakapagpasakit ng ulo niya ay ang nakikita akong umiiyak. It doesn't matter if it was a cry out of happiness or what. Just shed one tear, it will drive Tripp mad. That's just how concerned he's for me.
"Pakielam ko. Ang point ko, umiiyak ka. Naman, Alys! Iyak na lang palagi? Walang katapusan? Alam ko sinabi ko na kapag nagmahal ka, okay lang na umiyak, na masaktan. Pero hindi rin naman tama na magpakatanga. Sorry, pero nagpapakatanga ka na," he said, looking straight at my eyes.
My voice was so weak. I was struggling to explain but all the came out was, "Tripp naman..."
Hinampas niya yung manibela out of sheer frustration.
"Ewan ko sa'yo, Alys. I get it, mahal mo si Drake. Pero hanggang saan? Mahal ka niya, oo. Pero palagi na lang kayong ganito. I've been observing you both, Alys. You do love each other but that love isn't healthy. It's killing both of you."
I tried to smile.
"Mahal ko talaga siya..."
It was logical enough for me. Mahal ko si Drake. Sobra.
"At kasal kami, Tripp..."
He laughed. A mocking one.
"'Wag mo akong lokohin. Sila Tito Steve malamang naloko niyo ni Drake pero hindi ako, Alys."
I was looking at him, curious.
"H-ha?" I said, amidst all the crying and sobbing.
He took a deep breath and didn't look at me. Instead, he focused his vision upfront.
"Hindi kayo kasal, Alys. We both know that. Hindi kayo registered legally. Getting married is a process. Fuck alam ko yan because I've been preparing to marry you long before all these mess started. Tapos kayong dalawa biglang kasal na agad? Niloloko niyo ba ako?"
He looked at me and all it did is to make me break down, crying so hard. "I'll be asking you once again, ito ba yung buhay na gusto mo? Kasama si Drake pero palaging umiiyak?"
Andthat was the biggest question I was about to answer. Was I happy? How canhappiness be measured?