Okay. You can do this.
And I'd been telling myself this for the past four years. You can do this. Like it would make me feel any better. Like it would suck out the anxiety throbbing somewhere in my stomach.
I thought about how far I had come. How much I had changed. I could hardly remember what it was like two years ago, back in Adelaide. I missed it, sometimes, but it was better here. I had more friends here. I had Dan.
This morning we'd sat huddled at the table, watching the wintry day come. Light kissed the tops of buildings, sliding over our faces. His arm around me. Absolute silence. Fog crawling up over the glass. You'll be brilliant, my love, he said as he kissed my head softly.
I smiled as the rustle of first pages turning begun.
I practically ran up the stairs to our apartment. Total, blinding euphoria flushed over me with each step. No more exams. Ever. It was a strange feeling. I was happy, but almost a little sad. There was something so sheltering about university. Now it was up to me to find a real job - and that was, to say the least, terrifying.
The door was unlocked and Dan was inside, curled up at the couch. He looked up as I bounded in, smile growing with mine. He pushed his laptop off his lap and stood. We were a few metres away. The bright yellow socks I got him stuck out beneath his jeans. 'So, I'm guessing you aced it?'
'I was totally brilliant,' I gushed, my words spiling into a giggle. I ran over to him, and he gave me a big hug, spinning me around. His breath was warm against my neck.
'I knew it, I knew it, I knew it,' he said, grinning, kissing me all over. I was still giggling. He pulled back, hands resting on my waist. His cheeks stretched out from his smile, eyes half-closed. 'See? You should have believed me when I said you'd be amazing.'
I rolled my eyes as we broke away. 'That's a lot easier to believe with hindsight,' I said, and we collapsed onto the couch.
'Was that weird question about pillars and room angles on the exam? The one we went over last night?'
I nodded. 'Mn-hm. Thank fuck. We practiced that so much I was going to stab my pen through my exam paper if it wasn't on there.'
'Violent much.'
'Stress does tend to induce violence in me,' I said, leaning back into the couch. I pointed to my eyes, and then him. 'So you better watch your back, Howell.'
He leant back with me, pinching my arm with his hand and wiggling it around. 'What, you're going to pummel me to death with your spaghetti arms?'
'They're not spaghetti arms,' I said defensively, lifting them up and tensing them. A watery sac of muscle popped with the movement. We both laughed. 'Okay, maybe they are. But it's only to make you feel better about your spaghetti arms.'
Dan rolled his eyes, but he was smiling. 'Oh, of course.'
I let my head fall back, sinking into the upholstery. I was so tired. So tired. My eyelids felt weighed down with concrete, my arms and legs full of lead. A soft exhale sifted through me. The thought of sleep was so tempting right now.
'You still okay for tonight, Miss Meggy?' Dan asked, nudging me in the side with his elbow. I nodded, not saying anything. My eyes were closed. He reached over and tugged one open with his thumb. He looked concerned. 'You sure?'
'Mn,' I said, yawning. I stretched my arms over my head, feeling my spine uncurl, clicking with the movement. 'Yeah. I'm okay. Just worn out. Mentally and emotionally.'
'I know what that feels like.' He nudged my thigh with his knee. 'Okay. But just let me know if it's too much and we can go home.'
I rolled my head over so I could look at him. 'I'll be fine. Really. Let's just not be out getting pissed until, like, 2am, okay?'
Dan gave me a sneaky look and then a shaka, trying to look cool. 'What, don't you want to be getting turnt with me tonight?'
'Oh for fuck's sake,' I groaned, rubbing my eyes with my hands. 'If you say that again-'
'Don't want to get lit with D-hizzle?'
'I swear to God Dan-'
'Don't want to be on fleek with the squad fam getting turnt AF-'
My hand flew over his mouth, and I gave him the possibly dirtiest look I could muster. He grinned beneath my hand, and then he licked it. He licked it.
I recoiled, squirming, and Dan gave a fake evil-laugh and picked me up bridal-style, godzilla-walking to our room. I was surprised he could even lift me considering the sheer quantity of Doritos I had consumed this assessment bloc.
'You will never escape the lit fam!' He cried, and despite the stupidity of it all, I couldn't help but laugh.
Dan and I had just recently gone public with our relationship, so when we turned up at the party, everyone started coming up to congratulate us. It confused me a little. We were dating, not having a child. I'm not totally sure why this called for celebration, but everyone was very lovely about it.
It had gotten a lot better than it had been at first. A lot of people were pretty negative about the whole thing online, seeing as a significant portion of the Phandom shipped Dan and Phil together. It had eased up a bit from the first tidal wave of hate, but I still avoided anywhere on the internet touched by Dan and Phil (which was a surprisingly large number of places). But it was okay now. I'd gotten through the worst of it. I had to remind myself that despite it all, I had Dan, and that was the most important thing.
I'd been putting off doing a video together since I was worried that would bring on even more hate, and Dan respected that, but I could tell he really wanted me to do a video with him. I think his audience wanted to know more about me and who I was, which I wanted to tell them would be a total let-down seeing as I am possibly the most boring human being in existence. And I think he just wanted to show me off. Like, look at this cool human I managed to keep all to myself. At least, that's what he told me. The memory makes me smile.
I shifted the dress against my hips as we walked away from a group of five or so we'd been talking to for the past few minutes. The thing with these parties was that it was a lot of greeting people for relatively superficial purposes - you couldn't not say hi to absolutely everyone, because that was always taken as some kind of snub. It felt like something out of Downtown Abbey, but I didn't complain.
Eventually it was just Phil and us. We were a good three. We tried not to make it awkward for him, which I didn't think we did. I think he was used to it by now. The three of us sat out on the roof terrace with glasses of white wine and watched the city lights blink out below us. Cars trundled past like lines of ants in the distance, taillights glowing red in the heavy autumn night. The cold bit at my cheeks and my fingers, so I put my wine glass down, tucking them beneath my thighs.
'So, I've met a girl,' Phil said, absolutely out of nowhere. Dan and I looked at each other, and then at him. He was avoiding our eyes. His fingers fiddled with the stem of the wine glass.
'Holy crap, that's so exciting,' I gushed, knocking my knee with his. 'What's her name?'
'Alice.'
Dan bent over me, our thighs pressed together. His leg was warm through his jeans. 'Where'd you meet her?'
'The tube.'
Dan let out a short, sharp laugh. 'Wow. Romantic.'
I hit him in the side. 'We met on Twitter, asshole. Not exactly an improvement.'
Dan grinned. 'I'm only kidding. I'm happy for you, mate,' he said, reaching behind me and giving Phil a big pat on the shoulder. Phil was beaming, face lit up from the lanterns burning beside us. 'Do we get to meet her?'
Phil cleared his throat, putting down his wine. 'Yeah. Yeah, that's why I was asking. I was thinking of making her dinner tomorrow, but like with you guys too. Like a double date.'
'Oh my god that's so adorable,' I said, holding my hand to my chest, and Phil blushed. 'Of course. That sounds great. Very civilised.'
'I hope she likes cereal, because that's literally all you can make,' Dan said, and Phil poked his tongue out at Dan.
'I've actually looked up a recipe online and everything, Daniel,' he said, and Dan pretended to look impressed.
'He looked up a recipe and everything,' he said to me. 'Can you believe that? What a legend. Such a gentleman.'
Phil and I rolled our eyes and said stop at the exact same time. 'Ignore him,' I said to Phil. 'He's just jealous that you never cooked for him.'
'That is a good point,' Dan said. 'You never looked up recipes for me.'
'I wasn't dating you, Dan.'
'The internet seemed to think otherwise.'
'We'd love to come along,' I interrupted. 'Even if it is in our own apartment. And if you guys need us to, you know, head out for a bit...'
'Oh fuck, Meg,' Dan complained. 'That is definitely not something I want to think about. Phil having sex. Phil having sex. I think I'm going to go gouge out all of my sensory organs now.'
Phil's face was a deep shade of pink, eyes slightly wide. I loved that he was older than all of us, but by far the most innocent. 'Um, thanks, Meg. I'll let you know.'
I gave him a wink, which I don't normally do, so it probably turned out like some kind of involuntary, one-eyed blink. I glanced back at Dan, who was still looking slightly grossed-out by the idea of his best friend copulating.
'Can we go? I'm tired.'
His expression relaxed, a cheeky grin spreading over his face. 'What, bae? Party too lit for you? Fam got too turnt? Lads too on fleek-'
'I swear to God, I will rip your testicles off if you use one more shitty pre-teen internet word,' I said, and he laughed as we stood, his arm around my shoulders.
'I think you love it.'
'I don't love it. Unfortunately, I love you, so I have to put up with it.'
He kissed the top of my head. 'I love you too.'
a/n
Oh my god I am SO SORRY FOR HOW LATE THIS IS
I am a terrible author
Excues coming: life has been v busy, lots of assesssment, no time for writing etc. etc. you know the drill
I promise not to be so shittily late with the next chapter
Next is the last so WOOT LOOK OUT
xx