MILO IS HERE AYYYYY
WHAT'S UP BBOOOIIIIIIIIIIII
WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN
Honestly, I have been dead. No really, I've been busy with work, but same thing, AMIRIGHHHHHTTT
I'm pretty sure college and work are like the satanic version of peanut butter and jelly.
After this conversation, Milo proceeded to get extremely sick and develop a high grade fever. I rubbed his back for like an hour until he was able to go home. TRUE TRASH HOMIES.
Todayyyyyyyy is yet another special dayyyyyyyy because we have a Sue suggestion. The story is called The Mask by Zombiez_Plus_Brainz, suggested by fandom_otaku0735. This is the author's first fic so I'm seriously going to try and tone it down a bit this time. Gotta recognize that first attempts are usually a train wreck. This story has more problems with OOC cannon characters than Mary Sueishness.
There's also a legion of mindless, squawking fangirls threatening to kill Sakura in the comments. Literally over a hundred screaming like five year olds. Fantastic.
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I need to point out a small bit of the description before we begin.
Naruto Uzumaki, everyone's favorite knuckle-head ninja, wears a mask. Unlike Ichigo from Bleach who wears his mask to level up,
Level... level up? Bruh this is a level up:
Ichigo does not "level up". Bleach never uses that terminology. Not even once. This is Kamen Rider Ex-Aid, a game based on defeating video game viruses that infect actual people. These characters level up with gashats and a game driver. This is how you use the term level up. It's also coincidentally the best Kamen Rider show I have ever seen in my life.
Seriously. I normally find the whole clunky costume and ridiculous monster design thing old, but this is on a whole 'nother level. Can't recommend it enough. Also, there is one poor fucker that transforms into a bike instead of a human. He literally has to ask people to "ride him". Lost my shit as soon as I heard that.
Anyways, let's cut the fangirling and get to chapter one.
Naruto sat quietly, small breaths were drawn every three seconds. The blonde looked at the tiled ground, pondering if anything could get worst. The words that Sasuke said to Naruto are and forever will be engraved in his mind. He closed his eyes tightly, trying to get the image out of his mind. "No one will ever see you as a hero! Your a monster from hell! No one will ever except you!"
First off, if you go to the writer's actual story you'll see that this is all in an uneven chunk of text. Might be visually off-putting. I'd start on a fresh line when dialogue comes into play. Second, grammar. "Worst" should be "worse", "your" should be "you're", and "except" should be "accept". Vocabulary seems solid. I can't quite tell if Sasuke would actually say this to Naruto. I mean I don't think he'd spare Naruto the whole "you're an idiot that won't amount to much" shtick, but I'm not sure about the "monster from hell" part.
Naruto was afraid to believe it, but he knew it was the complete truth. He whispered under his slow breath, "Sorry... I'm sorry everyone." Tsunade walked up to Naruto, telling her in a depressed voice, "I'm sorry Naruto, but the only thing we could do was put him in a coma. I'm afraid he won't be waking anytime soon."
Jesus Christ Naruto the author cut your balls off already. I mean...
I CAN'T SAY I DISLIKE IT. GOD DAMN. BABY, THEY CALL ME DEIDARA BECAUSE IMMMA BOUT TO EXPLODE ALL OVER THEM-
Naruto's eyes widened in shock, as a tear hit the tiled floor. "You may go see him..." Tsunade forced herself to say, and it only came out as a croak. Naruto walked into the room, a heart broken Sakura sitting on a seat next to Sasuke's bed. She looked at the blonde, her sadness drained away, only to be replaced by madness.
Alright. Not bad at all so far. I can't tell how Tsunade would act in this situation. I think she'd be pretty serious about it, not showing too much emotion. Probably more exhausted than sad I'd think. I mean sure she's going to feel bad for Sasuke and Naruto, but Naruto is the one that beat the shit out of Sasuke. I don't think she'd offer him much comfort. The last sentence is grammatically incorrect. When you're using a nonrestrictive clause, meaning a clause not necessarily essential to the sentence structure, you want to make sure the first and last segment before the commas can be a sentence on its own. The sentence I just typed is an example of a nonrestrictive clause.
Brace yourselves. The mindless Sakura bashing is about to commence in this story's comment section.
"Naruto..." She said, her voice very unsecure. "Y-yeah?" Naruto whispered back. "Do you know what you did to Sasuke?" Sakura asked him, trying to keep her voice level. Naruto gulped. He had never expected Sakura to get this mad.
I mean... you just beat the person she cares about into a coma. Did he expect her to just give a little sniffle and move on?
"ANSWER ME!" Sakura shouted at Naruto. Just when Naruto opened his mouth, a fist collided with his face, sending him flying towards the wall. When the blonde struck the wall, blood came out of his mouth, along with a few broken ribs.
WHA- NARUTO. BUDDY. HAVE ALL THOSE YEARS OF RAMEN CAUGHT UP TO YA? YOU'RE SPITTING OUT RIBS LIKE THEY'RE GOD DAMN CHICKEN WINGS. JESUS-
GET YOURSELF A GOD DAMN GLASS OF MILK. Calcium. Great for the bones still in your body and not laying on the floor.
"YOUR A DEMON NARUTO. YOU'VE NEARLY KILLED SASUKE." She collapsed on the floor and said. "You Baka! Naruto, your an idiot! A Monster!......A demon." Sakura finished. "That's the reason why no one in this village likes you! Your a demon and you always will be. The blonde, stared at the pink emotional wreck.
Whoa okay something happened with the grammar in this little segment. Your is possessive, meaning it's used to show what belongs to who. "That's your seat over there." You're is the contraction of you and are. The latter is the one you want to use. I'm not sure why random words are capitalized in the second sentence. Sakura already said baka, so I wouldn't have her say it in English. There's a quotation mark missing after be and the comma after blonde is unnecessary.
Naruto basically leaves the hospital after this, seeing as his "mask" of feigned happiness has now been broken. He comes to the decision that he'll either die or become an assassin, with apparently zero other life careers available. Naruto of course chooses to become an assassin. Because hating yourself for hurting others definitely makes you want to kill for a living...
So I was about done with this chapter and ready to move on, but the high volume of comments caught my attention. Here's a little sampling:
"I have never wanted to kill someone so badly" -AMonsterLikeHuman
"U son of a........ Cow? Anyways JUST GET LOST SAKURA NO ONE NEEDS U IN DIS FANFIC SO GO BACK TO UR MAMA AND PAPA CAUSE U DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT POOR NARU-CHAN HAS BEEN THROUGH SO JUST GET LOST AND DONT EVER COME BACK YA GOT DAT!!!! GREAT!!!!! Now let us continue" -Deleted User
"Bitch I will fucking rip your guts out your ass and rip your soul from your body I will gouge your mother fucking eyes out and skull fuck you to the deepest pits of hell I will shave you bald and slit your throat and hang you and lite you on mother fucking fire if you ever in your mother fucking useless pathetic fucking life put your hands on naruto or call him a demon and force him out the village good riddance of that needle dick sasgay but don't you ever in a million years ever EVER ever in a mallinia do that I'll kill you" -_kinko
...
You all know that I am not a fan of Sakura. I've pointed out her bratty attitude and overbearing flaws that surface at inappropriate times. It's not a character that I like to watch too often.
Here's the deal with that. I dislike Sakura, yes, but I use logical reasoning and rational to come to that conclusion. I do not sit here and wish a made up person a horrible death simply because she did something I don't like. I mean let's break down what happened here. Naruto nearly killed Sasuke. Killed him. That's someone Sakura clearly cares about. How the hell is she supposed to react?!?
"Naruto, you almost killed Sasuke. Let me just completely overlook the fact that I'm emotionally distraught and comfort Naruto, the reason for Sasuke's potential death."
This is not how a normal person would act. They would be incredibly pissed and looking for someone to release their anger on. It's not necessarily the right thing to do, but it is natural. If someone I knew nearly killed my best friend due to their inability to control themselves and then immediately showed up at the hospital, they'd get an earful. I would not want to see them just yet. It is completely Naruto's fault. He cannot control himself and shouldn't be given too much grief, but he's not some innocent bunny that deserves nothing. He agreed to fight Sasuke and he knows this can full well happen.
So cool your god damn fangirl jets. Do people ever read their own comments and think, "Wow, I sound like a psychotic, rabies laden pre-teen that can't separate reality from fiction. Maybe I should internalize and evaluate my sudden rage." Naruto isn't some end all be all god. Go outside. Talk to real people. I'm a bit concerned at how obsessed these comments are over a fictional character.
We get an introduction of Naruto's family, which he apparently felt the need to make. Not sure how an assassin had the time to do that or why he would put them at such a great risk, but fanfiction! His wife's maiden name is Birde, which does not work in Japanese no matter what you do. He also has nine kids, Yurie, Naruko, Ranme, Minato, Kashina, Rin, Ryuu, Shino, and Kurama.
Naruto basically comes back to the village as an adult. This is how Sakura, Sasuke, and Tsunade acted when he returned:
Tsunade choked on her words, and stared at Naruto, solemnly, and tears of happiness,joy,worry,and doubt streamed down her face.
Sakura was catching a few glances up at Naruto and the children, although she seemed quite interested on how long it takes for a wooden floor to become dusty. That, or she was full-out ashamed. Sasuke stared at the boy, now man, that had saved him from Orochimaru, and his wicked curse, along with a ill-futured fate.
That's when he blurted it out.
"Hello , Sakubitch,Sassy-K, quite the return I've made, isn't it?"
Um... WAT. WAT. SAKUBITCH? SASSY-K?!? WHEN WOULD ACTUAL CANNON CHARACTERS EVER USE FANDOM GENERATED NAMES?
Guys, fandom lingo does not always belong in fanfiction. Unless your character is a fangirl herself, these people are not going to have any clue what you're saying or where you got these names.
Postmortem Diagnosis: Let's start with Naruto's whole leaving the village thing. I get why he left the village. No one there liked him and he was pretty sick of that shit. His actions make sense in my book. The only thing I'm seriously questioning is how he was able to just waltz right outta' there without any difficulty. Sure Sasuke left the village on his own, but he had assistance. Orochimaru made his escape easier with the help of Kimimaro and company. Tsunade knows Naruto has a fox demon inside of him. I don't think she'd lose sight of him that easily.
That brings me to my second point of confusion. Where did Naruto learn all of his skills? The author references a certain him (probably Jiraiya), but doesn't expand further. How did Naruto avoid the Akatsuki? They were looking for him shortly after Sasuke defected in the cannon story line. Can he control Kurama now? What about his Rasengan? Why did an assassin decide to have a family? Isn't he constantly moving around and putting them at risk?
I would think Konoha would have tabs on Naruto if he became a decent killer. The ANBU are pretty damn good and I'm sure he wouldn't escape their eyes. Or kunai. He defected so he'd probably be killed in order to safeguard Konoha's secrets.
Lastly, Tsunade's reaction was not realistic. He fled the village after seriously injuring one of his friends, defected, and became an assassin. Tsunade would have thrown him in jail. I think she would have viewed him as more of a coward than a returning friend. Naruto went on a whole rant on why Tsunade has to respect the position of Hokage, honor it, etc. and then BAM he's a merciless assassin. She has a village to protect. Despite their past interactions, he'd be viewed as more than unwelcome.
Why is Sakura ashamed? Naruto basically proved to her that yes, I am a demon that kills other people for a living. Most shinobi of Konoha kill for the sake of their village, not for money. Naruto showed no regard towards Sasuke and his health by vanishing. Didn't even check up on them. I would expect her to be cold.
Sasuke would not be in awe. Sasuke would not even be there. He can't foresee that Naruto would save him from his stint with Orochimaru. Sasuke wanted to leave just as much as Naruto did. He would hate him. Naruto prevented him from achieving the power needed to kill his brother. One way or another, I believe Sasuke would have left Konoha.
Overall, it's not a bad start. There are a good amount of grammatical errors, such as "ill-futured fate" and what not. Easy fix if you get someone to do a quick read through. Honestly, the idea for this story is quite appealing to me. Naruto ends up leaving the village, driven out by the hate that constantly surrounds him. I think that hate would be even more understandable if Sasuke died. Then Naruto would be pegged as a murderer, perfect for his future in assassination. I'd cut down on the amount of kids in this story. I cannot keep them straight and don't care to. They just seem to over complicate an already tricky plot. Fill in the plot wholes, fix the grammar, change some character behavior around, and you've got a really solid fic.
-Trash_Tanuki
Art: みずと (pixiv.net)