||Valeria||
FOUR YEARS AGO!
"Valeria, wake up. You are getting late." My mom—Daisy shouts from outside my room.
I groan into the pillow hearing her annoying voice. Can't this woman just mind her own business for once and let me be in peace. What does she want from me now?
I get myself up the bed and stride towards the door in utmost annoyance garner-able. I yank the door open, and find her standing in her office clothes with that annoying smile of hers that I so much want to pry off her galling face.
"What?" I snap with snide. "What do you want?"
"What do I want?" she draws her eyebrows together. "It's your first day of school and you overslept missy."
"So?" I scrunch my face up in disgust and slam the door in her face. "Just make sure to finish in the next ten minutes. I don't care you acting like a spoilt brat." She says before I hear her footsteps disappearing.
I lean against the door and sigh—head tilted up, eyes closed.
She is right.
This is my first day of school. A new school. I'll be starting my grade eight and I don't know why but I'm nervous. The uncertainty is freaking me out. First because I don't know if I'll relive the hassles of primary school where I was mistreated for my skin color. It hasn't been easy, having people looking down on you just because of your color tone. These resulted in me harboring hateful feelings towards my parents. Sometimes I wonder why I can't just go to a school of my people—black students—where I wouldn't be victimized for who I am.
I sigh and enter the bathroom to take a quick shower. It takes me a couple of minutes to finish. I look at myself in the mirror, smoothing over the school dress before putting on the navy blue blazer with the school emblem engraved on the left pocket. I give myself a head-nod and leave my room.
"My girl is getting old," my father's beams at me. That makes me groan, with an exaggerated eye roll.
"God, just shut up. Your voices are god-damn annoying." I brush off their jubilant-exuberance. I sense hurt in his eyes but I shrug it off and leave the house without a backward glance. Not minding the fact I didn't even eat breakfast.
I step into the backseat of the car with a huff and fold my arms over my chest, waiting for my parents to get in. We take off, as soon as they are in.
I quickly leap out of the car as soon as I reach the school, ignoring my parent's good byes and run for the school building.
I'm so in trouble, I think to myself entering.
I push myself through the door. I bump into a hard body, which leaves me in a pile three feet on the ground—making matters worse—on top of the said person's body. I close my eyes shut, muttering an internal—oh shit, oh shit—multiple times. What the hell did I just get myself into? This is not the way I wanted to start my day. Not creating trouble for myself on the first day. I'm sure I'll be the... The sound of a groan, reverberating through the person's chest stops my trail of thoughts, making me to snap my eyes open.
"God, you're heavy and... cute." The person—correction—boy drawls in a sexy deep voice which by the way is too deep for his age.
"Hey..."I murmur a soft pleading greeting hoping—praying he doesn't make my life hell. To say the least, if he is someone that looks as if he just stepped out of a fashion magazine, with his gorgeous define face and tone body—which is even uncalled for, for his young age.
"Hey." He chuckles removing my hand that covered my face. "I'm sorry." I plead yet again, completely forgetting the fact that I was late.
"It's okay." He smiles a cute smile. "What's your name? "He asks after regarding my face depicting odd rarity, still fixed to the uncompromising position, making no move to change the status quo.
"Valeria!" I whisper, flushing crimson.
"Cute." He chuckles. "I'm Pius."
PRESENT DAY!
"Hey—Valeria." Someone snap their fingers in my face. I blink back to reality. "Hey, are you okay?" Pius draws his eyebrows together in concern.
"Huh? Oh, yeah..." I brush him off, sighing at the end.
"What were thinking about?" He looks up at me uncertainly, curiosity quite evident in his voice. "You were gone for a while. I kept—"
"I'm fine." I snap at him. He looks down at the book on his lap, trying to act nonchalant not to show that he's hurt. Seeing how his face tensed at my harshness, I soften and sigh yet again. "I'm sorry. It just..." I trail off. He doesn't prod. Just regards me with expectant eyes before he speaks up.
"It's just what?" he asks softly. I don't reply immediately. I sit in contemplative silence thinking back to how everything changed after the date between us. He has been oddly sweet, caring and just benevolent. Like he promised he would, he was helping me study. He helped me in history and I him in Math, which he despise with all his body fiber.
This is Tuesday. The third day after the date.
Thinking about the date brings a smile to my face because it was beyond spectacular. Just his thoughtfulness and everything he did for me when I broke apart in front of him to mend the broken part of me... that was beyond amazing. When I found out that he'd stage fright and that, that night was his first time singing in front of a crowed, made it even more special in a way no word explanation will ever do justice to.
He paid attention to even the simplest stuff and that made it million times worthwhile for me. He was everything I never expected him to be. All the things I mentioned above; Sweet, caring and benevolent. Indeed he does have a soft-side to the hard emotionless façade he puts on. And him showing weakness in front of me that night somehow salvage everything I held against him. I forgave him. Not completely but a part of me did and that was something. I don't know what made him to just fall apart like that, just at hearing I was raped. I don't know why I told him, but I somehow felt like I owed it to him. There was also a part of me that wanted to trust him and just let my barrier down a little.
After he sang for me that night, I was left in a ball of messy tears. But these time around, they were tears of joy not of pain and emotional turmoil coiling my insides into a gravel road. It was the sweetest thing anyone has ever done for me in my life and that... him doing something he was afraid of, something that send his nerves spiraling, just to make me smile. To make me feel better. That was million time worth it, and even if this ends in heartache which I know it'll one way or the other, I'll never regret giving him a pass into my heart. Even if it's not fully but just that portion, a special portion that's only reserved for him, as I said at the beginning, it'll be a hell lot worth it.
"What are you thinking about? You've that distant look in your eyes again?" he bites at his pen, tearing me out of my heady thinking.
"You." I tell him without thinking. I'm caught off guard by my response. I look at him and away not wanting to see that judgmental look or the smug face of his.
"Me?" He raises an eyebrow. "What did I do?" he asks.
"Just—these you. I don't know, but..." I look at him in the eyes. He doesn't break the stare. His is equally intense as mine, his probably a notch stronger than mine. I look away and down at my hands, fidgeting with my fingers. I look back up at him. He's sitting with a sour inquisitive expression, waiting for my responds. "I just wanna say thank you for everything. I never did say that after the date." I don't know. It just slipped my mind after the date. Even though we've been spending the last two days together I really never brought it up. Why not? I don't know what changed but something changed. In me, with me or whatever. I've been having flashes of my past life. Why? That's a mystery. Probably the subconscious reaching out to me, letting me know all that I've done. I don't know.
I'm happy. Or at least I'm trying to be. I'm trying to survive, to make everything workout but there is always something that holds me back. Something that always pops up to remind me of what I've done and what I'm going through.
Just like the visions.
And there is the pregnancy. Things are getting difficult. I'm moving towards my sixth week, meaning the body is working hard to support the growing fetus which results in unbearable fatigue, insatiable food cravings which Pius had the misfortune of sating these past two days by ordering fast-food or whatever I desire, then there are the mood swings. Ndeshi tries to ignore me by all means because I'm apparently on an emotional roller coaster that makes me feel alternately elated, miserable, cranky and just terrified. Terrified of the possibility despising these baby. Why? It'll remind of the night. The night were I was left in a pile of mess. The night that broke the last thread of human dignity I held. The possibility that I'll always remember that he/she was conceived through ail and anguish. That brings me to my next question that keeps coming back again and again. Do I want to keep the baby? And that'll lead me to think of all the alternatives, but it always comes down to the motherly tenderness. The bond and the love that we've formed, and it always makes me realize that it wasn't its fault for being conceived. It's not its fault that his/her father did what he did to bring him into these world. Then there is the issue of me being too young to care for a kid. With what experience I've from what? All this questions keep repeating in my head over and over again and... I just don't know where I'm off and on.
I find Pius gazing at me with ferocious intensity, where I can see the change in his eye color from dark brown to something along the lines of total blackness. I don't know what he is thinking about but I'm certain, that it's heavy and deep. I get uneasy the longer he stares at me, making me feel like a specimen under a microscope being studied for god knows what. I clear my throat to break his staring. He blinks but doesn't look away. He speaks up at last after what felt like an eternity with a ghost of smile hinting at his lips.
"You are welcome pumpkin." He says. "You're worth it and so much more." That makes my insides curl into a million butterflies that flip my tummy into thousand somersaults because those words were the words I never expected to be uttered by him. It's me who stares at him in acute revere this time. That brings me to my next question that has always been bothering me.
"What happened?" I ask him not breaking eye contact.
"What do you mean?" he asks with furrowed eyebrows.
"You asked me what I was thinking before." I stretch my hands that've been tense from too much writing. Pius moves into a comfortable position with his weight propped up onto his elbow, laying down on the side. He is positioned at the end of bed and me leaning against the headboard with books and papers of history sprawled in the middle between us. "I've been having visions or flashes. I don't know how to put it." I tell him still regarding him with precariousness. For what? I don't know.
"And?" he draws his eyebrows together in question.
I take in a deep breathe. I draw my legs back, bringing it to my chin. I angle my chin on the knees and return my eyes to him.
"What changed between us? What did I ever do to you that made you despise me all of a sudden?"
"Were you—"
"Yes, I was having a vision about the first day we met in hallway." I cut him off.
"Oh." He wrinkles his face and sigh. He keeps quiet with a distant attentive-look. He suddenly starts shaking his head, as if clearing a horrid image from his mind after moment. He looks up at me. "How far are you?" he changes the topic.
"Pius—"
"Valeria, DON'T. " He booms in a stiff tone, clenching his jaw, eyes losing their light ease. He gives me a tempestuous hard stare down, showing his abject dislike of the topic under discussion. I scrunch up my face too, cocking an eyebrow up, matching his equally hard gaze. I can see the barriers going up in his evilly glazing eyes. I look at him in pity, shaking my head from left to right, bringing my lips into a thin line. I look away, hiding the emotions his reaction aroused in me. I stretch my legs out on the bed and bring the History textbook together with the notebook back on my lap, refocusing my attention on the summary about International relations between 1919-1939, reading through the peacemaking after the First World War and the effects of WWI on Europe, Africa, Asia and Pacific Region, as well as, its effects on the environment amongst other topics. I feel Pius' heated gaze on me from time to time but I don't acknowledge it or anything. I keep going for almost an hour which is filled with Pius' heavy sighs and weird suggestive noises to grasp my attention, until I reach the last objective of the topic.
Getting irritated by his nonstop grunting noises, I finally look up from my book to look at him. I find his eyes already focused on me.
"Will you keep it quiet? I'm trying to focus here." I snap at him.
He smiles shyly. "I'm sorry." He says. "I don't like it when you are mad at me." he tells me. Something ticks in me seeing the hopeful boyish look on his face. He sighs and rakes his hands through his hair. In that instant I'm able to see the brokenness in him. The struggle and I can see at last what he means when he says he doesn't like it when I'm mad at him. I mean something to him and he doesn't want to change that and whatever the reason it was, that changed our relationship from almost-liking to scorching hatred in the past, will most probably also change the course of events in the present.
"I don't like this. I didn't like it than." He looks at me, eyes glimpsing at something I'm not able to place. "It's not... It's... It's just..." he trails off, muttering curses under his breath.
"It's the question I have asked myself for the past four years. What changed? What did I do that made him hate me with all he's got? It's not easy getting bullied and mistreated for what you're. You just changed in an eye-blink. You broke me and you keep breaking me." I whisper the last part, sucking in a deep breathe.
"I know." He whispers. "I'm a coward that's what I'm." he closes his eyes. I don't reply at that. "If I tell you," he starts, eyes shining with what appears like forming tears. "You'll hate me. You'll not look at me the same way, and I can't afford that. Right now, having you smile at me is like the most liberating, awesome feeling. I don't wanna lose that. Please don't ask me to lose that because I can't lose everything good, and you're just that; good. Good for me." he looks up at the ceiling, eyes pressed shut.
"I know how it feels to hold onto something." I pierce through the painful heavy silence that ensued. "That's what I've been trying but do you know the beauty of that?" I ask him.
"What?"
"It never works. Prolonging things from happening doesn't change the course of events or anything. Like that you're just extending the hurt, the pain and the struggle. One way or another, that thing that you're trying not to lose will catch up and facing the reality after the realization sets in is like the most excruciating feeling ever."
"What are you trying not to lose?"
"My dignity. Or I'm trying to hold onto the idea of it, because that's something irreparable. I don't want to lose that last shred of self-worth but the thing is, I already lost it. And to what?" I wipe away the tears that started flowing like an open tap. "To a faceless dog. I feel so dirty and worthless, and just..." I whimper, flailing my arms in all directions, trembling under the wave of emotions taking ownership of my body.
"Hey, hey." I hear Pius whisper. I feel his strong arms enveloping me into an embrace. "It's going to be okay." He whispers in my ears. I cry into his chest, losing all and everything that held me back. The emotions I've tried so hard to bottle up are finally catching up to me. I finally come to the realization that what you do today will automatically affect the tomorrow. I feel hollow, empty and just like a waste of space.
Pius and I sit like that for a while, with me sprawled onto his lap, crying my eyes out and him whispering soothing words in my ears.
"Sshhh, pumpkin." He murmurs, with his head buried in the crook of my neck. "I'm here. I'll be here." He declares.
"I'm terrified Pius." I hiccup. "I'm terrified I'll never find myself again. I don't know how to live anymore." I mumble between tears. "How do I keep going when every attempt reminds me of my wrongdoings and all the bull that I'm going through? I don't think I can do this anymore."
"You'll make it out." He says. "I promise you that." I can hear the hurt in his voice. "No matter what happens," he continues. "From now out, it'll be us. It was never your fault. Don't beat yourself up for things I did to bring you down. Neither for things that happened in the past. They are not supposed to follow you to the present. They are there to make you to learn from them. You learn from your pass, live in the present and embrace the future with all your shortcomings. Don't dwell on things you can't change. Just... I'm sorry if I ever made you feel any less of a person. I'm sorry for every shit I ever did. Please forgive me." he says softly. We are both a broken mess. We act like we've everything under control but everything that matters in our lives, we don't.
"Please don't break my heart." I plead the plea I once asked him.
"I'll not. I promise." He assures me quietly.
I feel the tiredness catching up to me. I can see the sunset through my blurry vision, as the sun begins to fall below the horizon leaving behind the afternoon beautiful orange-red-yellow glow. The realization that we've been stuck in this room almost for six to seven hours just studying sets in as I give into darkness, losing consciousness still crying into Pius chest. And just like that I'm gone, but the beauty of that:
It lead to something else. Something I don't wanna remember. Something I don't wanna relive. Having no control over it, everything consumes me back to that day.
The day I died.
This is the awakenings of my unwanted retentions and a glimpse at my attempts to evade them proven futile.
I find myself back in the moment, reliving the day, feeling every intricate detail under duress...
It hurts so much. I need the pain to ease. I want to be able to breathe. To live and just be normal seventeen year old without having the weight of the world on me. Without having to worry about life changing things, but things a normal teenage girl will worry about like the color of her prom dress or her new crush or this hot boy hitting on her. But mind is a twisted, hell hole meant to only suck my soul into total fatal darkness.
I retrieve a pen and a paper from my school bag with shaky hands, trembling under the current emotional havoc. I scribble down a few words to the only person that'll feel my absence.
Ndeshi.
I reread my words with a fountain of tears running down my cheeks. I rub them away roughly, hating every moment of these, because the tears are ceaseless. The pain is tormenting.
I don't want to live in pain anymore. I just want to be able to breathe normally. Not baited or anything, just with calming ease, knowing all will be okay. But I know it won't be. So, why keep going while there's an easy way out.
I never thought the day will come, I'll be willing to die without anything holding me back. I loved my life. But the day is here. I'm a broken nix with a solution. The only solution and I'm going to use it.
I'm done fighting. It's time to give into the inevitable.
Death.
I stand up from the bed, with the letter firmly in my hands moving towards the door. I give a quick backward glance to my room. I give a puling smile, heavy with degrading feelings.
I leave the letter in the doorway on my way out. I close the door gently behind me and start descending the stairs, heading for the only place I know how to end my suffering in peace.
The Sea Bridge.
As I find my way there, my life flashes back in front me. How I mistreated, disrespected and just treated my parents inhumanely. Abject disdain I showed them, but how unwavering they were in showing me their love. That no matter what they would always be there for me.
God, I deserve all these. It's all my doing. It's the path I carved for myself.
The world will be a better place without me.
At least let me go out in style.
And at least then I'll get the calming peace I so-much need in my trashy life.
✴️✴️✴️
A/N: Thanks a lot for reading. Means the world to me. I hope you liked it.
Please don't forget to VOTE, share and comment.
Until next time.
-Stephen