A/N: Let's fix our hearts with a double heartbreaking update. I feel bitter and let's fuck this shit up.
---
If you wanna know the date that shows major changes, it's April 17th.
...
April 17th, 2012
"Karla... You're late again," the teacher scolded me as I hastily barged into class. Being late for class sucks but when teachers actually scold you in front of the class for being late is worse.
I mean, why can't they just let me live. I already feel obligated to go to school, do I really have to be that punctual as well? It's honestly not my fault school starts at 8 in the morning. I'm literally late by 5 minutes, 6 tops.
"Sorry Miss, I slept in," I said, ducking my head down, embarrassed as everyone eyed me in a judging manner.
I don't like it. I don't like when people look at me, examining me, making me feel like an ant to their human sized eyes. I feel.. naked.
I feel like they're judging me, maybe not by their mouths but by their gaze.
The way they look at me make me feel weird. As if I'm.. abnormal.
I mean, I know I'm weird. Goofy. Dorky. But I'm not ill. I do know people my age don't dress like me; a bow with a colorful dress.
But I feel like people conform too much that they often lose themself. I feel like myself when I wear these clothes. I feel content and happy. And yet, it also often dampens my mood. Not by the clothes, but by how people perceive it.
Don't get me wrong, I've tried wearing those mundane clothes. The ones on Best Buy or even the expensive ones in front of the store. I've saved money to buy those clothes. But I never like them. They make me pretty, but they doesn't make me.. me.
So no.. I'd prefer wearing these.
"Sit down Karla. You really have to learn how to be punctual one day. Once you get a job, you'll understand."
I walked over to my seat in the furthest corner of the room and sat. I prefer sitting here anyway. This way, I can look at them and not the other way around. And if they do look at me - which is rare - I can know.
The class was tedious, as per usual. Just like the class after that. And the rest of the day.
I really don't see myself working in an office, following whatever my boss says. It's too boring. Too ordinary.
"So that was extreme," Marielle says, waking me from my day dream.
"What is?" I ask, gripping on the straps of my backpack.
"Mrs Nelson. You were late, remember?"
"Oh yeah.. Yeah."
"Are you okay? You seem off," her sister, Sandra, asked.
"I don't know.. Well, you know about The X-Factor right?" Both of them nodded, intrigued at where I'm going at, "Well, there's an audition some time on July, I was hoping to go-"
"But why? You could hardly talk in front of a class without stuttering, what makes you think you could sing in front of National Television?" Sandra interrupted, her eyebrow raised condescendingly.
"I know but-"
"It's not worth it Camila. You'll more than likely to embarrass yourself. You can't even sing in front of us. Would you be able to sing in front of Simon Cowell? One of the of the most ruthless judge ever."
"But I could try-"
"Don't waste your time.. You probably won't get in anyway. There's a lot of talented people here in America."
"But I-"
"Camila.. It's not worth it." Sandra asserted, getting more and more annoyed as I try to convince them otherwise.
Instead of arguing, I nodded. It's a lost cause. Once they believe in something, they will fight anyone who'll try to convince otherwise.
But I guess they're right. There are so many talented people worthy of being on that stage. Maybe I shouldn't even think about it. Marielle and Sandra are right.
But then, I can't help but feel the push towards the auditions. I want to prove my best friends wrong. Maybe not with words.. But maybe I could if I was in.
Yes.. I'm going. Even if I fail, whats the worst thing that could happen anyway. I could at least make a friend or two there.
As we lounged around the hall, my eyes fell to a pretty blonde girl with a yellow sundress. She had a denim jacket around her and brown boots that complements her skin. She looks pretty.
"Camila, why are you looking at her like that?" Marielle asked suddenly, making me shift my gaze from the blonde girl to my so called best friend, embarrassed that I got caught.
"Yeah," her sister chimed in, "Are you gay or something?"
They both laughed while I feel my cheeks heat up dramatically. They're laughing as if it was the most obnoxious thing ever; making me feel like it's wrong to feel that way about a girl.
But nonetheless, I laughed along with them, hoping that it'll look as if I see it as a joke, even as my heart beat fast at the possibility.
Maybe I was.
---
April 17th, 2013
"Why are my cheeks so fat?" I asked, standing in front of the mirror whilst slapping both my cheeks rapidly, making them jiggle.
"Oh come on, Camz. It's not that bad. You look cute," Lauren assured, now walking to me, stopping just behind me and raising her hands to my wrist to stop my ministration.
"That's the point.. I don't wanna be cute. I wanna look pretty; hot even."
She abruptly moved her hands to my waist and turned me around. Her eyes focused on me, making me squirm under her scrutiny.
She has one of the most beautiful emerald eyes in the world. She looks intimidating and intense just by her eyes. Something I'm not.
Sometimes I ask myself why she even talks to me. Why she calls me her best friend?
She's so different from me. Actually, I've asked myself this since The X-Factor started. But then, I concluded that she was just pretending to be my friend, for the sake of the show.
Then when the show ended, she texted me back in Miami, wanting to hang out with me. And we did. A lot of times actually, probably more that she does with her high school friends.
So why? A beautiful girl like her, hangs out with a simple girl like me?
She's so beautiful that it hurts. Everyone looks past me to look at her.
I'm not jealous really. I don't even hate her like other envious girls should. But I do envy her though. Not because she gets more attention than me, but because I have so many competitors to go against.
I have feelings for her.
I mean, who wouldn't. The way she looks, the way she thinks, the way she treats people. Everything about her is perfect. She's perfect.
She looks so mature to be 16; not in a bad way. It's just that her eyes holds one of the most wisest words, without actually saying them. Her mouth pouts naturally, making it the most kissable mouth I have ever seen.
But oh God, that's just her physicality. When words comes out of her mouth, you'll fall. Just by her raspy voice; music to my ears. Her laughs; an innocent one but it holds so much power.
She could literally make my day just by laughing at one of my bad joke.
The way she speaks; so full of passion and intelligence. She could talk about goats and make them one of the most interesting conversation I will ever have.
The way she treats people. Her kindness towards others makes people wanna get closer to her. Her loyalty never unsteady and always resolute. Her passion for everything could literally light up the whole world. Her love for her family and friends makes people envy them. Because she loves hard.
Mix that all together and that's Lauren.
A devil in a package.
I know what you might think; if I like her so much then why did I just incorporated her with a devil, one of the most vicious spirit in the world.
You see, I don't mean it literally. But in more ways than one, she is vicious.
She's so cruel with her beauty. Because she puts others to shame. Her eyes holds fire and it could burn the world if she wanted to.
She's so evil with her voice. Because she can use that to kill you, and that's just vocally. The way she can eloquently crush you with complex adjectives. The way she sways with her words slowly, preying like an animal, only to end it with a snap of a neck.
And besides, devils doesn't come with a horn and red skin, they come with everything you have ever wished for, and more.
And she's what I wish for.
So yes... She is the devil. At least, my devil.
"You're beautiful Camila, never say that again. I mean, look at you," she turned me back around and puts her chin on my shoulder, "Look at you. You're beautiful, please don't believe otherwise."
The way she presses her words makes me believe that hey, maybe I am.
---
April 17th, 2014
"Where are we going?" She asked as I dragged her around the stadium down the balcony, a smile plastered on my face, basically skipping to the back of the stage.
We just had one of the best day in our lives. The 1975 concert.
2 months ago, I found out that The 1975 was going to be performing where we're currently staying at and I decided that hey, Lauren loves that band, so why not not surprise her?
Of course, that time, she was still with Luis. But they were fighting quite frequently so I thought The 1975 could cure her broken heart. That was an excuse to go out with her alone, but it worked.
Then exactly last month, they officially called it quits so the idea of the concert seemed more reasonable and necessary. After their break up, she found out about the concert and almost bought the tickets but luckily, it was sold out by the time she ordered.
I was so close to telling her when she went to the website.
Earlier today, she was whining about how badly she wanted go after she found out that Ally and Troy were going.
She cried; like bawling her eyes out kind.
So I decided to put her out of her misery and just tell her. I gave her an envelope that contained two tickets in it.
When she saw the tickets, she cried again. But the difference was that they were happy tears.
But I haven't told her that I managed to get a backstage pass after the concert too. I had to use Fifth Harmony's name for it but whatever.
"Seriously Camz, where are you taking me?"
"You'll see... It's another surprise."
"You know? You really don't have to do this. The concert's enough."
"But it's a package," I hinted.
"WAIT!" She halted, pulling me with her so that I'm facing her, "Are you saying that we're gonna meet them?"
"Yes." A small shy smile broadens as I answered.
"OH MY GOD."
Before I could even register whatever's happening, her hands move to both my cheeks.
You see, back in 2013, someone had access to Wikipedia and changed Lauren's sexuality to bi and in a relationship with me. Of course, she didn't take it very well. Gradually, she spent less and less time with me, feeling awkward to be alone with me. She eventually started dating Luis and we were okay. Not the closest but we were fine.
Now that she broke up with Luis, we got pretty close again lately.
She sometimes look at me with such admiration that makes my heart swell. But I never had the balls to tell her how I feel. I didn't want to destroy what we have; especially since I know how it felt to be away from Lauren.
But we were never this close. I mean, there are times where I wanted to kiss her, but it was always me who leaned to her; she stopped it before anything else happened. But this, this is different, because now, I'm not the one leaning in; she is.
My body turned into a mannequin as I feel her breath on my lips. She's so close. So freaking close.
Finally, after what felt like a thousand years later, her lips captures mine. It was delicate, soft, subtle. She's treating my lips as if it was fragile.
And I fucking love it.
You know those stereotypical romantic movies at the near ending where there's fireworks and feelings and two main characters kissing. That's how it feels like.
Her lips moved purposefully but patient, slowly increasing the pace of our kiss. She was skillful and experienced, making me wonder how many times she had kissed before.
My breath hitched when she licked my bottom lip, asking me for access.
But before I could even open my mouth, she pulls back.
Her lipstick were smudged and her lips were swelling a bit. Her eyes were dark, seemingly turned on by our.. rather innocent kiss.
"Let's go," she smiled softly, intertwining our hands and dragging me to their dressing room.
She was my first kiss.
---
April 17th, 2015
"Oh my fucking God," Lauren muttered under her breath as she scrolls through her phone.
We're currently on our break from the first leg of the Reflection Tour. So here we are, lounging on the couch of our hotel room, too lazy to go out with the girls.
"What's up?" I asked, changing the position of my head to look at her, still cuddling.
"Nothing, it's just my twitter is crashing from the non stop mentions of you and me. They're mentioning us for the first anniversary of our supposed first Camren kiss," she says mockingly, making my heart clench at her words.
"It is though."
"I know.. It's just annoying to hear it from them."
"Why? You know they mean well," I said softly, trying to reason with her without starting a fight.
"Of course you would say that, you don't get as much harassment about Camren as I do."
"Maybe that's because you're feeding into it. Lauren, why are you so exasperated when it's true? We are together after all," I said, pulling back from our cuddle session to sit properly.
"I KNOW!" She yelled suddenly, causing me to flinch at the sound. Realizing she just yelled, she lowers her voice apologetically, "I know... I just don't like it."
"You don't like what? The fact that they're 'harassing' you," I asked, using hand gestures to punctuate the word, "or is it about us?"
She noticed my tone and realized that if she answers it wrongly, a fight will erupt. So she depleted it by saying, "It's not about that, it's just that... Remember last year, the day after we kissed, it was so awkward. We barely talked to each other for weeks. Which made you go to Austin while I went to Brad. So do you really want a reminder of what happened last year?"
"I mean.. not afterwards. But I did like the kiss," I said, realizing that she's right, making my defenses to go down.
"I do too. You know I do," she said softly, inching closer to me, "But I feel like they made it as if that was where we started being together. But it wasn't." She ended it with a soft kiss, making me forget about our little argument completely.
"I love you," she whispered suddenly, making my eyes go wide after registering what she had just said.
We had never said that to each other before. I mean, it has been in my mind for quite some time, but I was too much of a coward to actually say it.
I expect that I would be the first one to say it but no.. Lauren has surprised me once again on April 17th.
I smile softly against her lips, not kissing; just barely touching while I whispered, "I love you too."
---
April 17th, 2016
"Sorry l'm late," Lauren said as she barged in the room, causing us to stop dancing and Sean, our choreographer, to pause the song that was blaring in the room.
"Lauren.. How nice of you to join us," Sean said, "Try to keep up with the girls alright?"
My eyes followed Lauren as she walked across the room with her hand gripping the strap of her duffle bag, throwing the bag to the couch in the corner of the room and walked over to where we were currently at.
She avoided my gaze, as per usual these days, and acted as if I wasn't there. We had broken up some time last month when she decided that it was better for me not to look at her at all.
I thought we had just had a little petty argument, but I guess not. To say that it didn't hurt would be a huge lie on my account. Because it really fucking did.
Every time we stayed in a hotel in the past, she and I would share a room, using the body heat of each other to sleep soundly.
We have grown accustomed to it; at least I did.
But now, she would sleep with Ally and Dinah would share with Normani, making me the black sheep in the group.
I would try to make myself sleep each day and fail tremendously. I couldn't sleep.
For the first week after our break up, I would be waiting patiently on the bed for a soft knock on the door, hoping for her to come back to me, like she always did. It's crazy because when the sun goes up, I would see Lauren looking as normal as ever.
When the second week rolled around, I've come to realize that she wasn't coming back. So the nights were filled with dread and tears. Literal tears.
It was to the point that I would push myself to cry so that I could maybe tire myself to sleep. I was that desperate. But it didn't work.
I was sleep deprived with a broken heart.
The third week, which was this week, I couldn't cry anymore. Not because I was moving on, but because I was too tired to cry; but unfortunately, not that tired to make myself fall asleep.
People say that some people are not worth to cry on. But Lauren was. She was perfect and I let it go.
I know it's not my fault, but I can't help it. Maybe, just maybe, she had a reason to do it. Maybe I'm the one who's wrong here.
Once Lauren was settled, Sean replayed our song, Work From Home, with his remote that controls the sound system in the room.
We practiced through the dance routine over and over, making it perfect for our performance soon on The Ellen DeGeneres Show.
It soon became unnecessary because we had performed that song for more than 3 times before this and the choreography never actually changed. Just our placements.
Exactly an hour after, Sean decided to let us off for a break, before we have to learn our dance routine for our new song.
I slumped myself to the couch and took a nap, only to woken up by vibrations near me.
Without realizing, I lazily search whatever that was with my eyes closed and happened to stumbled across of what felt like a phone.
I grabbed the phone, or a weird shaped vibrator, and bring them in front of me while my eyes register to the bright light.
Lucy's name was sprawled across the screen, making me realize that this wasn't my phone; it was Lauren's.
But instead of being the usual mature me, I threw the phone to another couch that lays against the wall, perpendicular to the couch where I'm currently laying at.
It's not that I don't want Lauren to receive the call, but rather because I don't want to call after Lauren for the first time behind cameras for an incoming call from Lucy.
So yes, I threw her phone and closed my eyes.
Fortunately, Dinah soon sat at the couch and felt another new set of vibration coming from Lauren's phone.
She must be that desperate to call Lauren twice in a row.
"Lauren, your phone. Seriously girl, unmute your freaking phone."
"I don't like unmuting it, it feels weird," Lauren said as she grabbed her phone from Dinah's grasp, smiling softly when she saw Lucy's name on the screen.
Tapping the green button, she answered, "Hey Luce, yeah sorry my phone was on silent and I was in the toilet... Yeah, last night was fun, we should do it again.. Yeah, I was kinda late for rehearsal, but I don't mind."
Well there goes my suspicions for where she went last night. My heart clenched at the thought of Lauren spending the night with Lucy.
I couldn't listen to their conversation anymore so I groaned, as if it was too loud and I was trying to sleep, making Lauren pause at whatever she was talking about.
Soon, I heard fainting footsteps and a small sound of a door closing, indicating that she had left the room.
At least she was considerate enough.
When the door closed, I opened my eyes, only to land on Dinah's concerned face.
"Are you okay Mila? You look... restless."
"Yeah," I sigh, "I'm fine." And everybody knows that fine means something else.
Is it possible to mourn after a person you see everyday?
---
April 17th 2017
"Camila, can you change your note a little higher towards the end of the song?" The producer asked.
Instead of answering verbally, I lifted my hand with a thumbs up gesture.
I was singing one of the last songs for my debut album. Everything turned fine and dandy through the few months of me basically staying in the studio.
I had put blood, sweat and tears for this much anticipated album, so to say that I was nervous for the public to listen to it would be a massive understatement.
Everyday, for at least 5 hours, I would be in this room and just either write lyrics, or sing them.
"Alright, let's take it from the top," the producer said, replaying the music as it fills my ears.
[Elliot Yamin - Wait For You]
[Verse 1]
I never felt nothing in the world like this before
Now I'm missing you, and I'm wishing you would come back through my door
Oh, why did you have to go? You could have let me know
So now, I'm all alone
Girl, you could have stayed, but you wouldn't give me a chance
With you not around, it's a little bit more than I can stand
Oh, and all my tears, they keep runnin' down my face
Why did you turn away?
[Pre-Chorus 1]
So why does your pride make you run and hide?
Are you that afraid of me?
But I know it's a lie, what you keep inside
This is not how you want it to be
[Chorus]
So, baby, I will wait for you
Cause I don't know what else I can do
Don't tell me I ran out of time
If it takes the rest of my life
Baby, I will wait for you
If you think I'm fine, it just ain't true
I really need you in my life
No matter what I have to do, I'll wait for you
[Verse 2]
Been a long time since you called me
(How could you forget about me?)
You gotta be feeling crazy
How can you walk away? Everything stays the same
I just can't do it, baby
What will it take to make you come back?
Girl, I told you what it is, and it just ain't like that
Why can't you look at me? You're still in love with me
Don't leave me crying
[Pre-Chorus 2]
Baby, why can't we just, just start over again
Get it back to the way it was?
If you give me a chance, I can love you right
But you're telling me it won't be enough
[Chorus]
So, baby, I will wait for you
Cause I don't know what else I can do
Don't tell me I ran out of time
If it takes the rest of my life
Baby, I will wait for you
If you think I'm fine, it just ain't true
I really need you in my life
No matter what I have to do, I'll wait for you
[Pre-Chorus ]
So why does your pride make you run and hide?
Are you that afraid of me?
But I know it's a lie, what you're keeping inside
This is not how you want it to be
[Chorus]
Baby, I will wait for you
Baby, I will wait for you if it's the last thing I do
Baby, I will wait for you
Cause I don't know what else I can do
Don't tell me I ran out of time
If it takes the rest of my life
Baby, I will wait for you
If you think I'm fine, it just ain't true
I really need you in my life
No matter what I have to do, I'll wait for you
I'll be waiting
"Alright, that was perfect. I think you can go home now."
Slowly packing my stuff to my handbag, I walked out of the building, climbed inside the Uber car, and walked inside my lonely temporary apartment.
I put my bag on the couch, dragging my feet to the bedroom, changed my clothes to a hoodie Lauren once gave and a sleep shorts, and lay down to the bed and sleep.
At least I could sleep now... Even if I'm alone.
---
April 17th 2018... Well, that's something else.