13|
night conversations, issues and slamming doors
NERVOUSNESS IS one of the feelings buried somewhere deep down in the human nature.
So is the spasmodic beat of our hearts when something, or someone, makes us stressed out up to the point of feeling nervously uncomfortable.
Collin Adamms is the reason behind both of these things for me at the moment. The same applies for sleeping in his room.
I still didn't quite recover from the shock that Rose offered me to stay the night here, and now I'm standing in the doorway of Collin's room while I cautiously watch him move around some of his things, simultaneously picking up few items of his clothing as he throws a pillow onto the pallet he just made on the ground. Can this day get any more surprising?
Suddenly, the idea of my staying here doesn't feel that enjoyable anymore. I can't help but feel like a complete burden. Also, I feel a little ashamed for his gesture, no matter what kind of reason may be hidden behind it, since I'm not so sure I'd have done the same if I were in his position.
Inhaling a deep breath, I fill my lungs completely as I clench my fists a little at my sides, using the motion of flexing and un-flexing to keep calm. "You don't have to do this. I'm fine sleeping on the couch."
My voice comes out weaker and way more pathetic than I anticipated and I allow my eyes to squeeze shut for a split second before reopening them again. I regret it instantly, since his piercing blue eyes are already intently watching me. "You have no idea what you're talking about. I've slept on that couch several times in the past, and believe me when I say it shouldn't be allowed to call the thrashing on it all night long sleeping."
As much as I try to appear indifferent, I can't stop my brows from knitting together. Why is he suddenly being so casually nice to me? The last time I've spoken to him didn't really go well, considering he accused me of having concealed intentions when it comes to my "friendship" with Cassidy. Not that he's wrong, but still, the thought of him knowing about my plan of game scares the living hell out of me. Then, he wanted to stop by my house and give me the stuff I forgot at Tarryn's house. . .
I look back up at him, scrolling my eyes over his tensed features. He crosses his arms over his chest and sighs, bringing his eyes to the ceiling above his head. "Look, Aspen. I can see how uncomfortable you're with this but I feel like an ass for the way I cornered you at Tarryn's house yesterday after what you've done for Rose, and this --" he nods his head toward the bed beside him, "--is the best kind of apology I'm able to give you."
He presses his lips into a thin line and I notice his throat roll as he swallows. "I won't make any moves on you, promise. The bed is all yours."
By the time those words leave his mouth, he's already seated down on the ground, his hands casually draped over his legs, hugging them to his chest. The way he's looking up at me makes something in my stomach uneasily twist but I push what I need to say out nonetheless. "I can agree on sleeping in this room with you but forcing you to sleep on the ground just so I could sleep on your bed is already too much, Collin. I don't feel comfortable with this arrangement. At all."
"My God," he huffs out exasperatedly, a slightly annoyed eye roll following right afterward. "I really fail to understand the female part of the population. First, you want guys to resemble gentlemen, but when I actually try to be one, you make me feel guilty for even trying. Make up your damn mind already."
Even though his words sound harsh, his voice is nowhere near being angry or unpleasant. All it is could be described as slightly defeated, as if he was really frustrated with my persistent refusal. The thought instantly makes me feel a little guilty. He's offering a random girl from his school his own bed to sleep in; maybe I should really try to be more grateful, and little less stubborn.
I make sure to keep my mouth shut as I step inside the room, tightly gripping one of my backpack shanks between my fingers. I just want this to be already over with. "Where's your bathroom?"
"Right there," he points his index finger toward the door in the corner of his room.
"Thanks. I just need to change. I'll be right back." I say, turning my back toward him as I head in the direction of the wooden door. I clutch the knob in my hand, pushing it down, when he speaks up again. "The shower cream is under the sink. You can go ahead and use it. Though, you might want to hurry up a little since Rose's probably going to use up all the hot water."
I have to admit, I wasn't planning on it, simply, because taking a shower here when the door is the only thing separating us seems too personal, intimate even. But hearing him say it out loud as if it was a casualty causes a faint smile to cross my lips and I'm so freaking glad my back is still facing him and he can't see me.
"Okay," I breathe out weakly, stepping inside the bathroom and closing the door behind me as fast as I can manage before he actually gets the chance to catch a glimpse of the ridiculous smile that's for some reason still plastered across my face.
When I open the door and step outside the bathroom, I can't help but wish Collin would already be asleep. That way, I wouldn't have to brace myself to appear as calm and composed as I try so hard to at the moment.
The old baggy shirt reaching to my mid-thigh suddenly makes me feel too exposed, and the fact that I'm wearing a pajama shorts underneath isn't helping at all. Usually, I don't sleep in them because I find sleeping in just panties and shirt much more comfortable, taking the hot LA weather in consideration, but I wouldn't dare to be like that in front of anyone. I might be few months shy of reaching the grand age of eighteen but that doesn't make me any more comfortable with a guy seeing me naked. Despite the fact that all of my friends are guys, the idea of being intimate with someone, trusting them that much, scares me.
When I emerge, Collin flicks his eyes up, stopping at my legs for a beat before returning his attention back to the phone in his hands. He doesn't say anything to me though, so I take it as my cue to disappear under the bed covers as fast as possible. I don't know what the hell is wrong with me today, but his presence feels incredibly unnerving. Which is a little odd for me to understand since I've never had a trouble with just casually being near a guy.
But I guess my current situation is not so casual, considering I'm sleeping in a bed of a person I barely know, just because my mother's boyfriend can't seem to control his temper issues when she's lying in a hospital, all thanks to him.
I squeeze my eyes tightly shut. I'm not thinking about this now.
Getting some sleep is all I should be focusing on, because worrying about my next step can be done tomorrow. Yeah, that's exactly what I should do.
Rolling over, I let my senses soak in the smell of freshly washed bed-clothes, watching Collin's fingers swipe across the screen of his phone once more before he plugs it in the charger and lays his head down onto the pillow.
There are a few minutes of tense silence that follow, and I scramble for something, anything really, that could be said to decrease it a notch, at least. "Goodnight," I whisper after deciding thanking him would only bring up the subject of Brad again (which is the last thing I want to do), at the same time as he does.
He laughs a slightly embarrassed laugh afterwards, his reaction causing me to press further into the pillow. God, why does everything with him be so awkward? Why do I have to be so awkward?
I'm not sure when I fall asleep, but when I wake up, it's because of the unbearable thirst burning my throat.
I don't know what time it is, and I'm too lazy to try find my phone in here, but I can see that it's still dark outside, meaning I have been sleeping for at most a couple of hours.
Unwrapping the covers from around my body, I manage to tiptoe to the bathroom without banging or accidentally knocking something over. I'm pretty sure Collin, Rose or their mother wouldn't be happy if I destroyed some of their belongings.
I reach my hand out and clutch the cold surface of the metal knob in my hand when a nervous pacing accompanied with what sounds like a muffled voice makes me pause. The idea of someone trying to get inside the house through the bathroom window instantly freezes my brain and I can't force my feet to move for the life of me.
I'm so frozen that even when I recognize Collin's voice coming from behind the door, I don't feel the relief wash over me. "No, I'm not coming over. We've already been through this."
I don't want to risk being caught now, because I know it'd give him the wrong idea about eavesdropping on his personal conversation once again, so I slide my hand down the knob, letting it loosely fall at my side.
"It's fucking three in the morning, for God's sake. I'm not about to have this conversation again. Call Timothy, I'm sure he'll be eager to comply."
I'm not entirely sure what happens in the next following seconds but I find myself holding my breath as Collin's eyes bore deeply into mine.
The tips of my nails dig into my palm slightly as I await him to call me out on something I didn't even attempt to do in the first place, but the reaction I'm anticipating never comes.
Instead, he huffs out a short sigh before shouldering past me without sparing me a second glance.
I swallow, feeling the trace of guilt already starting to take over me. Wait, why the hell am I even feeling guilty? I didn't do anything wrong. I just went for a cup of water, so my brain should really stop playing with me this way. Deciding that staying quiet is most likely the best idea, I slowly make my way inside the bathroom, bending down to get a better access to the water that begins pouring from the faucet after my failed attempt at trying to find a cup in this darkness. When the cold liquid runs down my perched throat, finally making me satisfied, I let my fingers slide from my hair and return back to the room.
Which is now extremely quiet, and I could swear the tension just intensified by mile, if that's even possible.
I don't know what's going through Collin's head but I catch him staring at the ceiling, his hands tucked under his head making his white shirt that's riding up slightly to reveal a sliver of his abdomen, and I get a feeling he's thinking the one thing I feared he would, which is that I was eavesdropping. Again.
Unexpectedly, I find myself not wanting him to think that about me. He doesn't know anything about me, and I'm not here to become best friends with him, but I still do care. "I wasn't eavesdropping."
My voice comes out in a mere whisper and I'm almost positive he didn't catch it, but then he tilts his head in my direction, the flat expression still seated on his face. "I didn't say you were."
"I know," I breathe out, " I just wanted to clarify because I know what it must've looked like."
What I really want to say is 'I wanted to clarify because the last time something like this happened, it all ended up with you snapping at me for suddenly wanting to be friends with Cassidy' but I decide against that, since his accusation may hold more truth than I'm willing to admit.
He stays silent for a few painfully long seconds, maybe even minutes, and I contemplate the idea that he probably dozed off, but I'm proven wrong when he speaks up, "Can I ask you something?"
The blood in my veins turns cold the second the question leaves his mouth, for pretty obvious reasons. "Depends on what it is."
"Are you happy with your life?"
His question is nothing unusual, even though it surprises me he chose to ask exactly that, and I know for sure I've been asked the same one many times before, but this time is different.
This time, it sends me into an instant panic mode.
It's a simple question and I definitely shouldn't be having this reaction, but my brain can't seem to shut off the blaring alarm sound implying there could be far more behind it than he lets on.
He apparently senses my apprehension because he quickly adds, "I mean, with how stuff are turning out for you in school . . . hockey . . . with friends. In general."
I notice his voice comes out a little strained, his breathing slightly staggered, but I allocate it to the apparent tension he sure feels as well. "I don't know," I answer honestly, "are you?"
"I asked you first."
Ugh. I should've seen that one coming.
I open my mouth to respond to him, but nothing comes out. He's asking me whether I'm happy with my life but what kind of question is that? Of course I'm not happy. Seeing my mother destroy herself -- with a little help from her boyfriend -- isn't something I consider the true extension of happiness. I know, I shouldn't be focusing on her that much, but I can't help it. The thoughts of my fucked-up life are always in the forefront of my mind. They never go away, and the last few days made it thousand times harder for me to be able to push them elsewhere.
I have friends, well, I have Bishop and I have hockey that could ensure me a scholarship next year if everything goes smoothly but . . . is this what being happy feels like? Is this what happiness should feel like? God, I sound so ungrateful now.
"I'm tired, Collin," I sigh at last and press my head further into the pillow, letting the faint smell of mint and soap to be my anchor as the sleep entirely envelopes me.
When I wake up in the morning, I notice the spot Collin occupied the previous night is empty and he's nowhere in sight.
It takes me a while to roll out of the bed because I know as soon as I step a foot outside this room, I'm going to have to do a lot of explaining. The thought of that alone scares the shit out of me.
I get dressed, quickly brush my teeth and pack all my belongings inside my backpack before making my way downstairs. I'm aware that running away without saying anything after what both Rose and Collin have done for me last night would be incredibly rude, but the thought crosses my mind nonetheless. Though, the temptation diminishes when I step inside the kitchen at the same time Rose turns her head in my direction.
I'm not sure what exactly am I supposed to say, not to mention I feel utterly embarrassed for my lack of skills in the 'starting a conversation' department, and I guess she doesn't either, judging by the stiffened posture and expectant stare she's sending my way.
"Did you sleep well?" she breaks the silence, blowing out a silent breath.
I nod my head in response. "Yeah, I did. Thank you for letting me stay. . . and for helping me."
"Aspen," she rolls her eyes playfully, tucking a stray of her long nearly black hair behind her ear, "How many times are you going to repeat the phrase 'thank you'? I swear if I'd have known, I'd have never offered you to stay."
My lips part. I have no idea what to say to that one.
"I'm kidding, Jeez." She laughs, scrunching up her nose a little; causing the sun reflect on the ring looped through her nose. "I didn't mean to set you off. I guess I just tend to forget most people don't find my sarcastic remarks funny."
I can be such a dumbass sometimes. A smile etches its way onto my face and I open my mouth to respond when a sound of footsteps coming from behind cuts me off.
Turning around, I spot Collin walk past us right to the fridge in the far corner. He's carrying two brown paper shopping bags that are almost tearing apart from the amount of groceries, or whatever else is stuffed in them, but he almost seems as if he didn't even notice either of us.
That is until he speaks up, of course. "Don't mind me. I'm just going to put this in the fridge before the twins have the chance to get their hands on it." He says casually, his back still facing us as he opens the fridge and begins loading the stuff inside.
I avert my gaze back to Rose, hoping she'll be able to sense my discomfort with my opening up to her when her brother's in the same room, able to hear every single word. I might trust Rose, a little, but that doesn't mean I'm comfortable with Collin. He's still one of the Shameless Foursome. One night of his suspicious kindness doesn't change a single thing I think about him.
Luckily, Rose catches my string of thoughts. "I made some scrambled eggs and toast since those were one of the few things I could get my hands on thanks to certain someone who decided that forgetting grocery shopping yesterday would be a great idea."
She winks at me, instantly receiving a snort from Collin. "Okay, Rose. I forgot. Can you just stop telling everyone so we could move past this already?"
"Nope," she shakes her head at her brother adamantly, the sly grin still plastered across her lips. "You keep forgetting every single week, Collin. Besides, I'm having too much fun with this. What's better than seeing you get all riled up because of something so trivial?"
"You're not funny, Rose," he finally turns around, crossing his arms in front of his chest. I know I shouldn't be focusing on this but the dark blue shirt hugs around his chest nicely, the fabric straining a little each time he inhales a deep breath. Fuck, what the hell is wrong with me today? Shaking my head, I flick my eyes back up to his face, just as he continues. "Why don't we talk about something far more interesting instead? For example, what the hell happened to Aspen that she's staying at our place, or why are you coming home with bruises and keep telling me nothing happened when I ask?"
His little outburst makes my breath hitch in my throat, and I see the roll of Rose's throat as she swallows. "I-I'm sorry. . . I shouldn't have brought that up, " she nearly squeaks out, pushing off the chair.
"No," Collin shakes his head, his jaw tensing. "You should have. I don't have an issue with being called out on my shit if it's reasonable. I don't have an issue with admitting to it, either. But you know where I've been, and yet you say something like this. It's you, and Aspen as well now, that has trouble with being called out on the bull both of you keep saying."
The light from Rose's eyes falters and her expression hardens. For a second, I even think she might hit her brother. "Go fuck yourself, Collin. I'm so done with trying to please your ass. If I don't want to tell you something, I'm not obligated to. Same goes for Aspen. So just learn to accept the decisions of other people the same way they do accept yours."
By the time she finishes, her face is beet red, and the muscle in her jaw twitching from all the anger running through her, I suppose. I know I should just take off and let them argue out whatever they need to argue out but I'm stunned by the fast pace that everything's escalating at this morning. So stunned, in fact, that I don't notice I'm left alone with the Devil himself until the door to Rose's room loudly slams shut upstairs.
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ugh. i don't even know what to say. collin's trying to help his sister but he just keeps doing it the wrong way.
thoughts on this chapter? who do you think was calling collin? btw i'm curious, which part (if you had to pick one from any chapter) was your favorite so far?
mine were these three (i can't pick just one): rose and aspen helping each other; bishop consoling aspen when her mom overdosed and lastly, collin 'forcing' her to sleep in his bed because he didn't want her to be uncomfortable on the couch.
okay, now to the --- RANK.
FBL is #9 in SS right now and we're almost at 40K reads. i honestly can't even tell you how much this means for me and i know this wouldn't be able without you so let me express my love to you (the only way i know):