Genre: this is sad but relieving at the same time like alternate reality stuff
Word count: 2100ish
I forgot I wrote this and it is sad oops.
What if I hadn't kissed him?
What if I had chickened out and never felt his lips on mine for the first time? I'm honestly just glad I did. I look down on my beautiful boyfriend, asleep on my chest, black hair messy and mouth hanging open slightly, soft groans escaping his mouth every so often. My little lion. My eyes are closing now and I'm so tired, but I just want to watch Phil sleep a little longer. It probably sounds weird, but it relaxes me to see him this peaceful, he is usually so hyper it's a slightly alarming contrast, like he's two people. And they're both mine. My eyes shut slowly and a small smile tugs at the corners of my lips, my fingertips resting on his chest and around his torso, connecting us so simply but so strongly. I never want to let him go.
*****
We're at the top of the London eye, staring out at the whole of the city, Phil standing up and shaking with excitement. He sits down next to me and smiles, looking into my face. My body tells me I should kiss him, tell him how I feel, and I agree. I start to lean, it feels like this was meant to happen, but I jolt backwards, terrified of rejection and everything else heart breaking about the idea started swirling around my head, stopping me completely. He looks slightly sad and looks away, standing back up to look out of the glass pod, his shoulders hunched more than usual, his hands in his pockets. This is weird, I should have kissed him, I should do it now, just walk over there, turn him to face me and kiss him. But I can't. Not now. I want it to be perfect, and I'm sure I will get other chances.
2 years later
They are sat on the sofa watching Buffy together and he is laughing, playing with her hair. He stares at her lovingly and pulls her into a kiss, and I have to look away. The image keeps burning in my mind though, taunting me that I can't have him, at least maybe, not quite yet. Soon though, soon.
2 months later
His room is bare and empty, a few old items strung in there like my keyboard or an old beanbag he used to love diving on, a toy or two. He lives with her now. He could still come back, just maybe not quite yet, a little later. I know he will at some point. He has to. I need him. Phil isn't the type to abandon his friends, even now, ages away from our never ending youth. We still see each other yes, but just not so often. I always wake up and start to make 2 coffees, then realise Phil isn't here to have his, and I end up pouring the instant coffee back into the jar. He is busy with Jodie, wrapped in her arms, her giggling into his shoulder. He makes her coffee now. I can't help but hate her because that should be me, and it's not. She's probably lovely, but to me she just isn't. Because she has got Phil, and I don't anymore.
Just not yet. But soon. I have to promise myself this, it will happen. He will be mine.
6 months later
They're engaged. He fucking asked her last night right in front of me. I know I should stop waiting but I can't, not until he realises that it won't work with Jodie and should be with someone more suited to him, one that doesn't nag and moan at him, one that will never let him go, one who is his soul mate. Someone like me. I will just stay where I am and wait for him, there is plenty of time. He will probably back out of this anyway, Phil has never been up for something too committing, he said to me only a year ago he didn't want to get married and he would probably never last with the person if he did. I am still holding my hopes on that.
3 days later
He has asked me to be his best man. How could I say no to him? He looked so happy when I agreed, but in reality it hurt me really deep down, like I had a knife twisting in my chest, scraping at my heart over and over, slowly cutting each vein leading off it, slowly making me die as painfully as possible. He is really serious about this marriage, and it's worrying. He told me he felt like she's the one he is meant to spend his life with and he sounded completely genuine. Even if we had been drinking I still know that drunk words are sober thoughts and that is making this so much harder than I thought it would be.
I am also hosting his bachelor party when it rolls around. I will just try and take my mind off that until it's closer to the time, but it's only 5 months away. November 13th, the day before the wedding. I will still wait for him though, I would wait for him forever and always until the end of time itself. One day we will be together. We have to be.
5 months later
I kissed him. We were drunk and laughing and we went outside for some air at the pub and we were giggling and he was just so beautiful I couldn't help myself. I leaned forward and pressed my lips to him, needy and filled with desire. He pulled apart quickly and smiled sadly at me. I nodded and started giggling again, I don't know why, I actually felt like ripping my heart out and ending it there, I just wanted him to feel like it wasn't his fault, an impulse of the alcohol consuming my body. I wish it was. He started laughing too and we brushed it off, going back to the pub and continuing laughing and messing around with all bis friends, but I didn't feel in the mood anymore. I went home early, and Phil insisted on taking me. He ended up giving me a piggy-back up to my flat and tucking me into bed. He wished me goodnight and kissed my forehead and left. That kiss hurt more than it should have, it felt like friendship, not the love I felt for him being returned. That's the worst part. He really didn't feel anything back.
I wish I hadn't kissed him outside the pub, I wouldn't be feeling as terrible as I do now and still have to face him getting married tomorrow. But the thing is, I am sure he kissed me back.
the next day
I hate weddings. I am at the after party drinking my senses away, trying to forget how happy Phil looked earlier when he was getting married. I feel like a corpse, numb and rotting away, everything I once thought I had was leaving, and it was just soul destroying. I need to give up on Phil, I need to get out of this funk, I just need to get over him. Ha. As if it's that simple. I am going to be in love with me until the end of my life, and I really don't know if I can live that way.
2 months later
I have lost count of how many strangers I have hooked up with over the past few months. Boys, girls, bars, the street, anybody, anywhere. Just to get Phil out of my mind. It hasn't worked again, nor has the alcohol. Nothing. He's told me he's worried about the way I am living, that I should maybe try and do something more, find someone to settle down with. Ha.
It's not worth it if it's not him. I want him or nothing. That sounds selfish, I want him to be happy, to have a good life, even if that doesn't include me. Well fuck that! I want to be with him! Why is this all unfair? I can't stop myself from waiting for him to give up on that bitch and realise he wants me and not her. I need him to soon though, I don't know how much more I can take.
*6 years later*
I'm still here. Just. He is getting divorced, he said it wasn't working. I should be happy, but seeing him so broken actually just hurts me all the more. I will comfort him and make him get over her and feel better, I promise this. He's moving back in with me, only for a while, but this way I said I can take care of him and make him better, give him more love than that bitch ever gave him, even if he only sees it as friendship. It might even turn into more.
1 month later
He has gone again. I fucking scared him off. And now he has left again, is living somewhere else and I will probably never see him again. I am all alone, and I messed it all up.
I told him how I felt, I kissed him again, and once more, he started to kiss me back. Then stopped. Said he was sorry but he just couldn't. He told me had used to love me when we were younger, but he had fallen out of it. And he couldn't fall back in love because I had changed, become different. I had begged him to give me a chance, that I was only living this way because I didn't think I would be able to live with him at all, but he told me he didn't know if this was me or the alcohol talking, and he was hurting too much to find out. Then he packed up and went, I don't even know where. He won't talk to me and no one is here to comfort me either. He can't love me because of what waiting for him has done to me. I hate irony.
So now I am standing here, suit and tie, hair perfectly straightened and shoes shined to perfection. A note is on my bedside table, just a few scrawled words of sorry. Telling Phil I loved him and that I will hopefully see him later on, if he still wants to see me. I still love him even after he's gone and left me broken. I just can't keep going now I have no hope what so ever. I am ending it in seconds, words of my love for Phil written onto my skin as well as the paper. This can all be over, and all it will take is the tip of this chair. The rope is heavy on my neck and I close my eyes.
I kick the chair away and feel my feet drop. Then there is nothing.
*****
I wake up sweating, tears rolling down my cheeks and I clutch at the duvet beside me. I feel warmth in its place and look down to see Phil there, cuddled into my side, breathing softly, face almost like a child's. I squeeze him tighter, kissing every inch of his face I can get to because I can, and because I haven't lost him, he is all mine and I can keep him forever. And I don't even have to wait. The power of that one kiss. It has changed my life for good, and I didn't know until now how I happy I could be because of it. Phil squirms and slowly opens his eyes.
"Bear? Are you alright?" He asks, his bright eyes shining with worry in the dark as he stares up at me.
"Nightmare. I will tell you about it later, go back to sleep my baby lion," I tell him, kissing his lips, tasting my own salt ridden tears on them. He strokes my hair and smiles a little.
"Dan, can I just say that I love you? Because I do. So so much. I hope you never leave me, because I know I will never leave you," he mumbled, closing his eyes again and resting his head on my chest, hearing my heart beating for him.
"I love you too Phil, more than you will ever know," I tell him, kissing his cheek before closing my eyes again.
No more bad dreams and I have Phil forever. No more worries, and no more waiting.
I'm sorry.