A month ago, I never would have found myself thinking recovery was the best option. A month ago, I thought bingeing and purging was the only way I could ever be happy.
I never thought I would see the day where I was excited to recover. I wanted to recover to enjoy the small things in life. I wanted to be able to be happy no matter what was going on around me, or how much food I'd eaten that day.
At the end of the day, we needed food to survive. I shouldn't feel guilty for eating, although, I always ate a bit too much, perhaps. The only difference is that now I can learn to eat normally.
It felt so much better to face the real issues that were eating me. It was like I was shedding into a new me. My depression was slowly getting better and the urge to binge and purge started to become less and less often.
I was really starting to live and be happy, and that was a good thing.
Vic was visiting me today. He visits every Saturday afternoon, for an hour.
I was walked to one of the visiting rooms by one of the nurses. They let me in and then they closed the door and sat outside, waiting for our visit to be up.
"Kell," Vic said, looking at me with a wide grin.
"Hm?" I looked at him, trying to hold back my smile.
"You look so, so good. You look.. happy."
"I am, Vic, I'm very happy. I'm glad you made me come here." I said to him.
He sighed, happily, embracing me close to him. "I love you," he said, planting a kiss on my temple.
"I love you too, Vic." My heart sped up. Everytime he told me he loved me I always got way too happy and excited.
"What's it like in here then, huh?" He asked me.
"Well.. My therapist is cool, she's real helpful. I have a nutritionist who comes once every week and group therapy. Some of the people are cool and others I just can't stand to be around for more than five minutes." I answered truthfully, chuckling.
"Yeah? Well at least it's not completely terrible," he smiled.
"Yeah," I nodded in agreement. "However the food is another story.. It's kinda repulsing.. It's like jail food here." I laughed.
"Well, just another month or two and I'll be making your favorite for your return home." He stated. My eyes sent wide.
Did he really care that much? That he'd go out of his way to make my favorite meal for the night I returned home? I really couldn't ever ask for a better boyfriend. This was one of the many reasons I fell so hard for Vic; just the things that he does and the things he says.
He really knows his way into my heart.
The rest of the hour passed with us making casual small talk, and him asking me questions.
It wasn't bad though, it was more fun than half of the stuff I could do on the ward.
I looked up when my nurse came in, an apologetic look plastered to her face. "Times up, Kells." She said to me. "Wrap it up."
I nodded, "Okay, thanks Tay."
She nodded before backing out of the room. With that, me and Vic both stood and he wrapped his arms around me tightly and kissed me on the lips.
"Be good, Kells." He warned me.
"I will," I smiled at him. "No worries." I assured him.
"Good, and no stunts either. You go in there and really get the help you need. I love you, Kell and I just want you to be happy and love yourself."
I smiled wide, and captured his lips in a quick kiss before nurse Jardine came back in, giving us a look of disapproval, but she was cool so it wasn't an issue. She cleared her throat and nodded out toward the hallway and me and Vic kissed one last time before we inevitably went outside. I watched Vic until he disappeared and I sighed.
"You love him, don't you?"
"Yeah.. I know he visits every week but it feels like a year," I whined to her.
"Relatable." She said to me. "Whenever I come to work I miss Jenna like crazy," she smiled. "She makes me so happy. I love coming home to her home cooked meals and her hugs and kisses," she smiled.
I nodded in agreement. "That's exactly how I feel about Vic." I said, truthfully as we walked down the corridor toward the wing I was staying in.
She took me onto the ward and I was surrounded by the other patients. One of my newer friends, Johnnie was the first to welcome me back. "Hows the b-f?" He asked me.
"He's great," I said, all giddy and smiley.
"Good. Hey, know what I heard?"
"Hm?"
"There's a new boy coming onto the ward, his name's Kyle. That's what I've heard anyway," he said. I raised my eyebrows and stared at him.
"How do you know? Its supposed to be confidential."
"One of the other patients overheard a conversation in one of the offices when she was waiting for her phone call," he shrugged.
I nodded, it made sense to me. There was always someone who just couldn't patiently wait their turn for their phone calls and they'd usually line up at the door. It was quite annoying and rare when I actually got to call Vic because of this. I usually call in the mornings before everyone else gets up and ready for the day.
"He's supposed to be here tomorrow, I hope he's cute." he said. I laughed at him, shaking my head.
"You're cute." I laughed, only teasing.
"Sure I am," he smiled. "We all know I'm one hundred percent perfect," he kids.
"Yeah, yeah, whatever, mr. cocky pants." I said to him. He rolled his eyes and we went into the day room.
There weren't many activities; there were some coloring papers and books with crayons and markers, board and card games, chairs, tables and a TV. It was locked up so only the staff could get into the movies and change the channel though.
It wasn't too bad in here, I knew that I could survive if it meant recovery and happiness. I wanted to he free from my bad relationship with food. I wanted to stop fearing it, and stop eating so much that I feel the need to puke.
The doctors told me I have a permanent heart murmur due to my disorder. If I hadn't gotten help when I did, I could have had a heart attack and possibly died. They told me the acid and malnourishment was eating away at my heart, and the only way I could possibly survive was by recovery, so I did.
I had Vic by my side, which was even better because I knew he supported me. I try not to rely on him too much though, because I don't want to get heartbroken and fall this low again.
Now that I was on recovery, I was learning so much more about myself as well as sorting out the issues that were killing me inside.
It was an hour before lunch, so I found myself playing go fish with Johnnie to pass the time.
"Mm, do you have a 4?" He asked me.
I mentally groaned, this game was so boring and childish. "Go fish," I said to him and he picked up a card. I looked at mine. "What about King? Do you have a king?"
He glared at me before handing over a card from the left end of his cards. I smiled, in accomplishment. "Hah! I win," I rubbed it in as I put my king down on the table along with his.
"I let you win," Johnnie scowled. I couldn't help but laugh.
"Yeah, sure you did." I smirked.
"Hm, I was getting bored anyway." He shrugged, carelessly. "I'm nervous about lunch.." He admitted, changing the subject before I could answer.
"Don't be. You've been doing great," I smiled.
"Thanks, Kellin. But I don't know," he shrugged. "I just don't want to get fat."
"None of us do," I chuckled. "That'd why we're here. So our fear can't push us down the wrong path again," I stated.
He smiled and nodded. "Yeah, you're right."
"Aren't I always?" I teased, earning an eye roll from him.
"Sure, sure." He said, pretending like he knew what I was talking about.
I looked up when one of the nurses here, Tyler, started speaking. "Lunch time is early today, guys. We're going to eat outside since it's nice out."
Some of the people groaned, but some were happy because it was always so stuffy and suffocating in here. It was nice to be out in the open world.
"You all sound like you could use the fresh air anyway," he laughed. "Okay, two lines. Boys and girls. Let's go everyone," he said.
With that, we all lined up in two separate lines and headed outside.
The first thing I noticed was the hot sun, but how it wasn't overboard because the gentle breeze made it balance out nicely. There was a fenced in area, so we couldn't get out of course, that had a softball field, a pavilion, a swing set and a grill.
One of the chefs were out here cooking hot dogs and hamburgers, while the others had fruit and veggies, as well as beans and rice for the sides lined up in tin containers on one of the picnic tables. There was also water and lemonade in liquid containers.
I smiled and grabbed my plate, walking down the line. I chose a cheeseburger, with veggies and beans on the side. I took a small Styrofoam bowl as well, filling it with fruits. I put that where I wanted to sit, Johnnie following suit. Then before sitting, I grabbed a bag of chips and a cup of lemonade.
I was going to at least try to enjoy lunch. I did fear gaining weight, but I knew it was only natural. Besides, given how nice it is, I'm sure we'd have time to burn calories before we go in.
I didn't want to burn too many, just enough to maintain my weight. We were allowed if we were well enough, our therapists determined that though. I knew I was, they usually let me outside anyway.
I started on my burger, taking a nice big bite out of it, savoring it. It was so, so good. I hadn't eaten since breakfast at 7am, and my stomach was grumbling at this point.
I noticed how Johnnie was struggling though, which came as a surprise seeing how good he had been doing since he got here, but then again we all have our off days.
"Hey, it's okay, Johnnie."
He shook his head. "I'm losing control again," he panicked. "I'm going to keep getting fatter, and I need to be in control. You don't understand."
"Of course I do, were in here for almost the same reason right? You know I understand. It's going to be okay," I tried to convince him. I signed when it wasn't working.
"So.. Start with fruits and veggies, they're the lowest in calories."
He nodded slowly and took a bite of his broccoli.
I sighed. I knew how much it sucked to be in this position, I wish no one ever had to go through such an illness. But it would be okay, for all of us. It had to be.
After lunch, me and Johnnie decided to race each other back and forth across the field to burn some extra calories, so we did just that until it was time to head inside for group therapy.