Somewhat slow burn. More reader-centric than usual. Gender-neutral reader babe.
---
Colours. When I was younger, the thought of it seemed extraordinary. The grass was a colour called "green", and the waters of beaches I went to in the summer were "blue". The roses my neighbour's flower garden had been "red", and her gloves always "yellow".
That was what my father, teachers, and schoolmates would say. Those who were fortunate enough would educate the lesser ones, speak of the wonders of colours beyond the greyscale.
The thought itself was exciting, but as I get older I come to realise how I didn't mind so much not seeing colour.
18 years. I've lived without seeing why sunsets were so beautiful, without understanding the wonder of a rainbow, without getting why people were so interested with aurora borealis'.
I haven't seen colour yet, but that's fine by me. In a way, I dreaded the day I'd meet the one who'd introduce me to a world of colour. I feared it, even.
Humans will always have the fear of the unknown. The only difference amongst people is that some fear it more than others.
I feared the change colour would bring. Despite the enchantment it had among people, I imagine it would be difficult to adjust to it. That things would be different.
I didn't need it.
I'm already happy the way things are in my life.
---
University was, is, and will continue to be a pain in the ass.
It wasn't just the crazy deadlines on difficult projects- it was also all about the irregular sleeping schedules, constant transferring of classrooms and buildings, and the luxury sized eyebags.
It was about downing your 6th coffee cup at midnight, just halfway through rushing on a project you procastinated on, and accidentally falling asleep on your study desk. It was overpriced dorms, and part-time jobs.
That was why I doubt anyone could blame me for being so snappy today.
I entered the coffee shop with a glare pasted on my face, causing a cashier who saw me to grimace.
Thankfully, I only had to wait two minutes before it was my turn to order.
The cashier was a familiar face, him usually having a shift when I came around to buy a quick meal before heading to my first class.
I give him a millisecond smile, before putting my payment on the counter. "The usual."
"For here, or to go?" He asks me.
"To go. I'm only staying for a few minutes to finish up a report." I mutter quickly, not really looking to start a conversation. I might let my crankiness get to me, and I didn't really want to bitch out on my favourite cashier. He seemed to get the idea, having already seen my unpleasant expression when I entered earlier.
"Hey, (F/N), just go sit down somewhere first. I'll make and deliver your drink personally," He said with a smile, before handing me the receipt.
"Thanks," I said. I proceed to sit down by the empty table near the door, waiting for my drink to arrive. As the minutes passed, more people seemed to come into the coffee shop.
Most of them were quick to get their orders and leave, but some college students, in particular, had occupied empty tables.
When my drink is delivered, the messy haired cashier smiles apologetically. "I know you're in a bad mood, but..."
I narrow my eyes at him. "But?"
"You might have to share a table with another customer later in the case we run out of empty tables. Sorry," He looks around behind him with a forced chuckle.
"I mean, I think it'll take a while before rush hour gets bad, but-" I cut him off before he can say anything else, feeling slight amused.
"It's fine. I'll just finish this stupid report before that time comes," I let out a small laugh, before handing him some spare change.
The cashier looks positively delighted at the tip, and despite the mediocre amount, he grins.
"Sorry I don't have much money right now. I had to buy some materials for a project," I say to him.
He shakes his head. "Thanks, (F/N). I hope today turns out better for you," he grins before returning to his post.
When he leaves, I turn gloomy again at the thought of finishing my report. I almost reached the page minimum of 10, just a paragraph more to go.
I take a small sip from my drink, before typing away on my laptop. I had to make it quick- finish it, email it to my Professor, and then go to printing services in the university to have it printed. Afterwards, rush to my first class at least five minutes before it starts.
Doing that was harder than it seemed.
When I'm finished emailing the report, I realise that nearly 20 minutes had passed. My drink was practically untouched, and that if I didn't leave the coffee shop now, there was a chance I'd be late to class.
Unplugging my charger from the socket (when did I get the time to even plug it in?), I begin to hastily pack my things.
Whilst doing that, I can see from the corner of my eye that someone was standing in front my table.
Completely forgetting my manners, I huff. "Did you need something?" I ask impatiently, not even sparing him a glance.
He clucks his tongue. "No need to be so rude, your Highness. I just wanted to know if this seat was empty."
I slowly look up at him. "Well I was just leaving, so it's all yours."
When I lock eyes with him, he seems utterly shocked for a second, before asking quietly.
"Do you see it too? The colours?" I close my eyes for a second, and as I open them up, I proceed to look around me. My eyes widening, I shoot him a smile.
"It's amazing, right?"
I pull him into a hug, and while he stiffens at first, he allows himself to relax. "Hello, soulmate. I'm (L/N) (F/N), I'm a university student. And you?"
He releases himself from the hug, and I find myself amused that his ears turned a darker hue. "Tsukishima Kei, also in university. Don't expect me to be all lovey-dovey though, your Highness. I'm not like that."
I let out a chuckle. "That's fine by me, though I'd like to think the nickname says otherwise. Anyway, I should get going. I'll be late to class. Let's meet tomorrow, same time as now?"
The megane nods, and I run away from the coffee shop.
---
Horrible. I felt absolutely horrible.
I barely pay attention to what the professor is saying, as I get lost in my thoughts. Tsukishima occupied my thoughts, and though that was understandable, another thing kept me feeling frustrated.
I close my eyes for a brief moment and then open them again. To no avail, it stays the same.
Where were the beautiful colours I was supposed to see?
Back with Tsukishima, I had lied. I pretended to see the colours- for his sake. For a stranger turned soulmate's sake.
The more I thought of it, I shouldn't have.
But I just got so caught up in the act, that I didn't want to tell him and break his heart or something.
The consequence of my actions left me feeling terrible. Was something wrong with me? I didn't want to see colours beforehand, afraid of the unknown, so did the heavens actually give me what I wanted?
If so, how cruel.
Because now I just felt empty. I couldn't share the same joy my soulmate did. Was I even the right one for him after all? Were we meant to be together?
I stare at the blank page of my notebook pathetically, seeing wet spots form on it.
I have to tell him.
---
I enter the coffee shop with a smile on my face for what has to be the 3rd time in a week.
Though we attended different universities, alongside having different schedules, meeting Tsukishima easily became one of the highlights of my day.
We'd meet early every morning, and though at first, he'd deny feeling any sort of happiness or attraction, he'd still talk to me until it was time for either of us to go.
But in the middle of the conversation, he'd talk about all the different colours and how weird it sometimes felt;
I'd remember how horrible I felt the first time we met for lying to him. For continuing to hide the truth.
When I entered the coffee shop today, my friend / the cashier waves at me.
"(F/N)," he teases. "You're meeting with Mr. Blondie again, aren't you?" I try to stop myself from showing any sign of surprise.
So he was blond?
Of course, the keyword was try- as in, I failed to keep in a gasp. The man narrows his eyes. "Either you still haven't gotten a hand of the whole colour identifying thing, or-"
I forced a laugh. "Yeah, still kinda hard to differentiate my gingers from the blonds..."
The cashier sighs, as he looks at the front door open. "Hun, I can detect lies fast- considering I spent like most of my life hiding in the closet, if you catch my drift."
I would have laughed if I wasn't busy being slowly swallowed up by fear.
Does Tsukishima know?
The cashier suddenly puts on a smirk, before shooing you away. "Babe, Mr. Lovely Brown Eyes is here now. I'll add your drink to his bill."
Brown eyes.
Before I got caught up keeping notes on Tsukishima's appearance in colour, I recall his last sentence.
"Wait, I'll pay for my own drink-"
A hand then goes through my hair, messing it up. I groan, but it feels as though my fear deteriorates in his presence.
"Tsukishima, hello." I smile, looking up to him. He then proceeds to flick my forehead, and I whine at the small pain.
"Move aside, your Highness. I have to pay for some brat's drink too, apparently." He tells me, as he looks for his wallet buried in his bag.
I let out a small chuckle, shaking my head. "You know you don't have to, right? We met just a few days ago."
He rolls his brown eyes, throwing me a look that clearly said 'obviously'.
"I'm not doing this because of obligation, stupid. I'm paying because I want to... want you to get a place for us to sit already." He huffs when the cashier lets out a snicker at his successful save.
I turn from him, a smile being acquainted with my lips, before finding a place for both of us to sit.
While Tsukishima orders, I have a bit of time to myself- and I didn't exactly enjoy the solitary. I think back to what the cashier said to me earlier as I look at Tsukishima.
He's blond, with apparently very lovely brown eyes.
I almost let out a sigh, wondering about how different he'd look in colour.
And then I could feel the monster called fear try to eat me up again, to leave me with never leaving thoughts- bad thoughts about Tsukishima and I, and why I couldn't see in colour when he could.
While I may not love him romantically yet, I could not deny how much I enjoyed being with him. There was no denying the swarm of butterflies appearing in my stomach when I see him, or the happiness I felt when I got something as simple as a good night text.
He became such a big part of my life, and there were countless possibilities of what could happen if I told him the truth.
We could stay together, friends or more, definitely.
But in my pessimistic mind, I foresaw a higher chance that he'd leave me- that we weren't meant for each other.
I didn't want all we had together to just disappear from my grasp after such a short time- I don't think I would be able to handle it.
So I'll pretend. Even if just for a little while more.
---
Even as we went on numerous dates (or rather as much as our conflicting schedules would allow), I continued playing charades with Tsukishima Kei.
Except despite playing the chosen role as best as I could, I never wanted him to figure out what my act was.
But Tsukishima was an intelligent man. He was bound to figure out my lies eventually, that much I knew was inevitable.
It was only a matter of when.
Every time I met up with him, a voice starts to nag in my head.
'Tell him, he'll find out soon.'
'Who knows, it might be today.'
But at the end of every date that has happened throughout the months, he never speaks a word of doubt against us being soulmates, against me.
I was so undeserving of Kei.
Despite his sometimes harsh words, not once had he ever directly hurt me. He always made me feel so special, despite me having hidden a bit of an issue from him.
I loved him.
It didn't matter that I couldn't see colour- I'd give up that wondrous world if it meant being able to stay with him.
Though I should have expected that things don't always work out in your favour. Karma will always find a way to get back at you someday.
---
Six months. It's been six months since we first met at the coffee shop in the middle of Kei and I's universities. However, it was one of those rare occurrences that we actually weren't at a coffee shop.
We were having a picnic at a park. It was mostly joggers in our vicinity, and they didn't stay for longer than a minute. Besides that, we were left completely alone.
We'd talk from time to time, but now was one of those times where we were quiet.
But instead of trying to vanquish it, I appreciated it. I liked how the two of us could simply bask in each other's presence without a care in the world.
I didn't have any more monsters trying to eat me alive. No more was there a massive fear ingrained within me, activating within each step I took. I trampled the beast myself, fighting fear with my will to stay with Tsukishima.
We were together, that was enough.
I loved him, and I could tell that while he never said anything formally, he felt the same.
"Tsukishima, I got us something, by the way," I tell him, grabbing the paper bag placed to the side. He raises his eyebrows inquisitively, eyeing the paper bag that clearly had a fashion brand name imprinted on it.
Following his line of sight, I let out a laugh. "I didn't get clothes."
The edge of Kei's lips slightly turns upwards, trying to peek down at the insides of the bag. "I was about to comment on how broke most uni students are, yet here you are with some branded clothing for your boyfriend," the blond clucks his tongue, shaking his head.
"Privileged brat," he comments, the harsh tone not affecting me.
I smirk, pulling out a box from the paper bag. "You'll be calling me something else once you see this," I tell him, before untying the ribbon from the cake box.
I don't even have to look up to know that his eyes are lit up with excitement, though the rest of his face would probably be set in a nonchalant facade.
"It probably can't match the cake you had when you were younger, but I did my best to find a strawberry shortcake in Tokyo that's pretty good, too."
Awkwardly, Tsukishima lowers his head to be in level with mine, before pressing a quick peck on my cheek. "Oi, if you don't grab a slice already, I'm gonna assume I can eat all of it on my own."
Ignoring the tingling feeling I felt from the short kiss, I nudge Tsukishima's arm. "And you're saying you can eat all of that? I swear even my dog eats more that you, I eat more than you!"
He sniggers, attempting to transfer a slice of cake into his paper plate. "And you're sure it's fair to compare me to a glutton like you?"
"Besides, who said I was gonna eat it all in one go? I'll eat what I can of this fucking great cake, and take the rest home," Kei says, quickly shutting up as soon as he starts to eat.
Really, I could have thought of a comeback. I really could.
But Tsukishima was emitting an aura akin to still river waters and cool summer breezes by the beach; I couldn't dare interrupt something so rare. He was always so... stiff. Never really happy, mostly just accepting the path and obstacles the fates had put up for him, instead of breaking through the walls with his will.
Tearing me apart from my tranquillity, I hear the small barks of a puppy heading my way. It was wearing a leash, so I assumed that it must have run from his owner.
"Look, Kei, a cute puppy!" I squeal, opening my arms wide to welcome it.
He gives me a short glance, and for a moment I swear I saw him smile - even if just for a millisecond. "It looks like it has an owner though," He tells me, eyeing the collar of the dog.
"Psh, who cares! It's not like we're gonna get accused of dog stealing anyway," I counter, petting the dog.
Then, a few birds atop the flowering trees fly away from its branches. "Pancake? Pancake!" I hear a girl's voice shout to the skies.
I quickly look down at the puppy who seemed to react at the name 'Pancake', "Are you Pancake?" I ask, finally deciding to read the tag on the collar.
Tsukishima rolls his eyes. "Well considering we just found a dog that's pancake coloured, and most people wouldn't name their own child Pancake... obviously it's not the dog. I bet it's her mum," Kei tells me, locking our eyes together.
"No, if Pancake was her mother, she'd be called mum or some other variation," I reply snarkily, not realising the continuous tail wagging of Pancake the pup.
"Hey boy, you okay?" I talk to the dog, continuing to rub his fur. "Your owner's come looking for you, Pancake-san. Let's wait together, okay? Ignore the grump that is Tsukki-kun, he's more into dinos. What a nerd, right?"
As the couple had expected, a girl runs up to them after having heard the dog's barks.
"Pancake! There you are! You shouldn't be disturbing the-" We lock eyes, and suddenly colour swarms my irises. The sky was blue, the grass was green, that girl had eyes of brown. Her dress was bombarded with pastels, and her hair was blonde. Like him.
Most people are usually happy, or excited, or surprised to see colour for the first time.
I wasn't. Instead, I felt like a monster.
I wanted to cry.
"Miss! Did you see that? The colours! They're amazing aren't they!" She spouts, the puppy in her arms. I look away from her- I couldn't stand to look at her because I knew that someone was going to get hurt in the process.
I look at Tsukishima Kei. Gods above, he really was more beautiful in colour. But he wouldn't look at me like I wouldn't look at her. He didn't seem mad at me, but his eyes were downcast. I knew I was the reason.
I turned back to the girl, supposedly my soulmate, but I'm too cowardly to face her properly.
"I'm sorry..." Is all I can utter. She looks at Tsukishima for a second, and gives a toothy smile that almost faltered. "I-it's alright! I'm sorry to interrupt you, really! I-I'll just be going now..."
Despite there being a pestering voice in my head, I don't stop her.
Even minutes after she leaves, Tsukishima and I don't talk. We continue to pretend that nothing was wrong- but it was obvious that there was something between us that needed to be talked about.
Tsukishima, unbelievably, is the first to crack.
"You should have gone with her." He says quietly.
I fiddled with the keychain attached to my bag. It made twinkling sounds that filled the otherwise awkward silence.
"I know this is the first time you saw colour. I know she's your soulmate." I stopped with my fidgeting, looking him in the eye. Though his face shows no emotion, terror runs through my veins.
"How long have you known?" I ask him quietly. Despite the situation, I take the time to admire his eyes- they really were lovely. They seemed golden, almost.
Not breaking eye contact, he sighs. "A month, or so."
My breath hitches at his response. A month. He's known for a month, and yet he let me continue my game of pretend without any protest.
"Kei, you should've told me..." This time, he laughs. He shakes his head.
"No," He starts, "You should've told me." He starts to put back the cake in its box, and soon comes the rest of our food.
"Did you really think I would leave you just because of that?" His eyes look like they're searching for an answer, but he probably already knew.
"You know, (F/N)..." My eyes widen at the use of my first name. He's always said my last name, but the fact that he used my first name now of all times fills me with endearment.
Gods above, I really do love him.
"I don't know if you just pitied me on the day we met or not, but what matters now is that we both stayed together despite it all; I just wish you didn't make me out to be an ignorant idiot in love." He scratches his ears in embarrassment, refusing to spare me a glance afterwards.
---
After that talk, it hasn't been the same with us. He speaks lesser than usual, and I acted more awkward around him. It was like after 6 months of progress, we were back to square one.
I had to do something about it, considering I was at fault anyway.
Yet every time I tried to bring up the topic, Tsukishima puts it down. I let him put it down.
But not this time, because this time I was going to resolve the issue once and for all. I try to mentally prepare myself for whatever outcome would happen; I just wanted us to go back to normal, but with no more pretending.
---
20 minutes. The flat he shared with his friends was a good 20 minutes away from my dorm, and I did not tell him I was coming. If I did, I might have been told to not go at all. Despite that, I overlooked the possibility that he might have been out during that time.
Which brings me to where I am now, knocking on his door for the past 5 minutes. Realising that the neighbours would probably find the noise annoying- if they were even there, I halt my actions.
Besides, my knuckles were hurting.
I awkwardly stood against the wall, waiting to see if he'd arrive soon. Otherwise, I'd just have to head home and try again some other time. The sky was getting dark, and I had other things to do for tomorrow as well.
"(F/N)? What are you doing here?" Tsukishima says upon noticing me. Following my instincts, I run up to his door to block him from entering, despite the fact that he could easily push me aside.
He crosses his arms, his face lingering with amusement. "You gonna explain? Or will we just be staying outside."
I take a deep breath. "Kei, I'm sorry for not telling you." He stiffens, his eyes looking the side.
"It's fine. Didn't we already resolve this?" I huff, rolling my eyes.
"We didn't. So let me finish what I'm going to say, please?" We lock eyes and though he doesn't say anything, he also doesn't do anything to stop me.
"Kei, it was wrong of me not to tell you. At first, I thought maybe something was wrong with me- that I couldn't see colour while you can. I acknowledged the idea that maybe I'm not your soulmate, but I selfishly denied the possibility when I fell in love with you, too."
When he doesn't say anything, I continue.
"I know I should have told you. I know I should have had more faith in you, but I let my fear consume me when I should have just trusted you to understand." I step closer to Kei, looking into his eyes, pleading.
"But I don't want to pretend anymore. I don't want to conform to the soulmate system if it means not being with you. So please, give me a chance."
For what seemed like several sunsets, we stood in silence. Suddenly, Tsukishima grins. "You're an idiot." Rolling my eyes, I hug the blond tightly, pecking him on the lips.
"I guess we're both fools in love."
---
Author's Note: This took much longer than expected to be published. Aiyah I blame school. Also lol go spot the Hamilton reference.
Anyway, don't you guys just fucking hate being on your period because I SURE DO!
WORDS THIS CHAPTER (excluding author's notes): 4200 words
Can this be found on another site or story: Nope- Not yet. I plan on adding my best ones to ArchiveOfOurOwn soon.
Last Edited: June 26, 2017