Dear Journal,
I am alive. I'm not quite sure how I feel about that.
After my last entry, I walked out to the lake and as I stood there I thought about my life.
Honestly, what did I have to live for? I killed my own mother and her lying to me hurt so badly. My father knew the truth, too, and never told me. The baby was gone, everyone was upset that Merwin and Ridley had been stealing from them, the police were soon to be involved. Everything just seemed so dreadful, I didn't want to be a part of it anymore.
I thought about Victoria but I felt that she would be better off without me. She was ok before I came along and she would do fine after I was dead. That's what I told myself.
I swam far into the lake and held my breath until everything went dark and I embraced death.
The next thing I remembered was laying on the shore with Nancy screaming for help and James hovering over me-we were both soaking wet. He was saying something, asking me something but then it was dark again.
I woke up in hospital three days later with tubes coming out of numerous orifices.
I don't want to get into too much detail because it makes me very emotional but I found out that Victoria had stayed by my bedside from the moment she arrived to the moment I woke up.
Apparently Claire had been crying non-stop about me and Dad had stopped sleeping.
I realized that they did care about me.
"Why?" I asked Claire. "I don't deserve to live. I am a terrible person."
Claire just shook her head and told me, "You're not disposable, Laura."
I'm trying to remember that.
Nancy even came to see me and she was carrying that blasted Norwood book. The gold ink shined under the fluorescent hospital lights.
I honestly didn't want to see it because I felt like that book was the catalyst for everything.
But then she showed me the page with everybody's pictures. There was mum, and dad, and Claire and Victoria, and me. The empty spot in the book, which I had assumed would be for the baby now held my portrait.
It made me quite emotional and I hugged Nancy and thanked her for saving my life.
I'm being made to see a Therapist and Dad is taking time off work to be with the family more.
It's not a solution to everything but I'm making progress.
I don't know if I'll ever be completely okay again. My mother died and although I still feel responsible for that, I know it isn't truly my fault.
In any case, I don't feel like dying anymore. There are days when I'm sad but Victoria always picks up on that and helps me feel better. I don't know what I would do without her.
For now, I am taking every day as it comes, the good and the bad.
Maybe one day I will stop seeing little baby feet when I close my eyes, and I will stop feeling guilty about my mother.
Until then I will simply tell myself:
Chin up, Laura.