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Justine
I was so worried about her. Why isn't she answering my calls? I even tried it during work when I excused myself to go to the toilet. No answer, no fuck you, no sorry I'm busy, no nothing.
I am in my flat pretending to do some housework when I hear my phone from the kitchen. Hoping that it is Demi I look at the display and my heart nearly stops beating. It is 5 pm here in New York so it is about 11 pm in Austria. My mom is calling me and I know that this is an emergency.
What she told me confirmed my worry. I felt like I was loosing the ground. I curl up on my couch and tears are streaming down my face. I never felt so sad, lonely and desperate. I can't stop crying and two hours later I hear a knock on the door. I think about ignoring it but there is a second knock and I get myself up to open the door.
"What are you doing here?" I say and Demi pulls me into a hug.
Demi
I never saw her like that before. Her facial expression was so sad and her eyes red from crying. I really hope she isn't in that condition because of me. And I really hope that she doesn't notice that I had a drink not long ago. I brushed my teeth to hide the smell but who could know?
I guide her to her bed and pull her close to me. She can't stop crying and I am just unable to cope with this situation. I don't know what to do. "What happened Justine?" She just shakes her head unable to speak so I start playing with her hair and dry her tears with my thumb. I rub her back, drawing circles on it, holding her close. I feel her tears on my neck. Slowly she calms down.
"Can you tell me what happened?" I ask her again. Justines turns on her back, staring to the ceiling with her sad eyes.
"I very good friend of mine commited sucide." Immediately I feel tears running down my face. "I'm so sorry Justine! I don't know what to say!" and it was true. What can you say to someone at such a sad moment. "Do you want to talk about it?"
Justine
I was so suprised to see her standing outside my door. First I wanted to yell at her because she didn't answer any of my texts or phone calls. But then I just fell into her arms hoping that she can comfort me. Laying there in my bed, my head on her chest is exactly what I need right now.
"His name is... was Julian. I know him since kindergarten. He was the boy everyone liked immediately. Friendly, funny, patient, hard working. A smart guy. One time, I think we were about 7 or 8, we both decided to learn how to skydive. We stiched some blankets together and climbed up to the roof. I was so afraid so he decided to jump first. He grabed the "parachute" and jumped! Needless to say that he broke both of his arms and I didn't jump after him. I visited him a few days later with tears in my eyes. "Why are you crying? Everything is ok. I'm the one with a cast. We will try it again. Maybe we need a smaller parachute." was all he said. He was fearless and brave. When he was around 18 he told me that he suffered from depression. I couldn't really believe that. He was the one that always brought everybody to laugh. He joked around with everyone and his sense of humour was amazing. The last time I saw him was last christmas. He looked better and told me that he was doing fine. I don't understand why nobody knew how he was really feeling. That he didn't talk to anyone to get help."
"Maybe he didn't want to get help and wanted to get through it alone!" Demi answered and I knew that she wasn't only talking about Julian. We were talking for a long time, she tried her best to calm me down.
Demi kissed my cheek and sang me to sleep. It was a restless sleep and I woke up noticing that Demi wasn't next to me.
I get up and walk to the living room. What I see there makes me wanna scream out loud. I can't believe my eyes.
Demi
I couldn't sleep at all. I watched Justine for a very long time, touching her skin, feeling her breath. But that couldn't relax me that time. I was tuckered out from her loss about Julian, still unable to cope with my own problems. I started to panic and slipped out of bed. I brought a bag with me where I had some clothes and my sanitary products in it. I told my team that I planned to stay over at Justines place. I wasn't sure if she wanted me to stay but I texted them where I am after Justine fell asleep.
I searched for something special in my bag and found it at the bottom. A bottle of vodka. I knew that it was so wrong to drink it here. Knowing that this time Justine needs my support. But she was asleep. Well, that was what I thought.
Justine
Demi sits at the couch. A nearly empty bottle of vodka in her hand. Her face turns red and she looks at me unable to speak.
I feel my temper explode. I am boiling inside. I am so angry right now and try to calm myself down. "I am, a so.. sorry!" she slures and that gives me the rest. "Are you fucking crazy? What the hell are you doing?" I yell at her almost sure that I wake up all of my neighbours. But I don't care. She looks at me like a four year old that just broke a cup. She starts crying.
"Don't cry. I have no words for you right now. Stop crying!" I scream. She gets up and stumbles in my direction. "Don't touch me, Demi. I'm so angry right now. Don't you dare!" She stands in front of me. "I know that I have disapointed you. Please. I am so sorry! I promise..."
"Don't promise me anything ever again! You told me to get your shit together! You told me that you want to be healthy! My friend died yesterday, I am a mess and grieve about his loss and you have the nerve to get drunk here right next to me?" I can't help myself but let it all out.
She starts to sob. "I tried my best to help you, to comfort you, to be there for you, because I really care. You are fucking important to me! Demi believe me, all I want is that all of your dreams come true, especially your dreams about your health. But I can't help you anymore because I'm not even sure that you want help!"
"I want your help! Please don't let me down!" she says. "I will never let you down and you know that. Don't play that card! Listen to me carefully because I will not repeat that." I say trying to speak slow.
"YOU are the only one that can help YOURSELF to get sober, to get over your eating disorder, to start loving yourself. YOU are the only one that has to understand how many people love you and how important you are to them. Everybody told you that a billion times, but YOU have to start to believe it and YOU have to fight for yourself. No one can do that for you. People can guide you and walk beside you. But they can not carry you along that road. YOU have to climb over every single fucking rock and I know that there are many. But if YOU want to climb them YOU can do that. I can only promise you to hold your hand and motivate you whenever you need that. But at first YOU must want to get healthy and sober and happy. YOU must realise that you only have this one life and that you have to be thankful for every moment because nothing lasts forever. And Demi if you don't stop doing that to yourself I can promise you that your life won't last very long. I beg you to fight like an idiot, to do everything possible to achieve your goals. But YOU have to believe in yourself and you have to love and appreciate who you are!"
Demi
I am not able to say anything. She came straight to the point. I want to hug her but she takes a step back.
"I can't hug or even touch you right now. I'm sorry." She takes a deep breath and looks into my eyes. I see that she is so disappointed and upset right now. And really anxious. She cares and is afraid that something terrible could happen to me. I can see that. She sighs and continues, "Demi, I believe that we are what we choose to be. Nobody is going to come and safe you. You've got to safe yourself. Nobody is going to give you anything. You've got to go out and fight for it. Nobody knows what you want, except you. And nobody will be as sorry as you, if you don't get it. So don't give up on your dreams and your life!" She looks at me with a sad and serious expression.
"I want you to leave my flat right now. And I don't want you to call or text me until you made the decision to live! Please don't be mad at me but I just can't watch you fall more and more. You are too important to me. Make your decision Demi and get your shit together. Then you can have every support from me that you need and want."
She gives me my bag and opens the door. I can't believe that she throws me out. She slammes the door and I stand there alone, confused, depressed and in panic. Did I just destroy this friendship?