Demi
I just texted with Justine and I am still smiling. "What's up Demi? Why are you so happy?" Natalie asks me. "Am I not allowed to be happy?" I say. "Yes you are. But you were in a very bad mood the last days. I'm just wondering." she says and she is right. I had a bad start into this week. Some days ago I had to try on tons of clothes for my upcoming shows and interviews. I felt terrible. Looking into the mirror, people starring at me, pulling around on me. I hate that. I was exhausted and frustrated after that. I still have problems to except my own body. I don't feel very comfortable in my skin and have this feeling that I'm not thin enough. I went to bed without having dinner, crying myself to sleep. I also skipped breakfast this morning and my mood was very down.
Justine texted me an hour ago "Look! There are elephants in New York too!" I opened the picture. A selfie from her and in the backround some elephants.
D: "How cute! You have to show them to me next time I am in New York!"
J: "I will do that. They are so sweet. And there is a baby too! ;)"
D: "Can't wait to see them!"
J: "Can't wait to see you. I miss you girlie!"
D: "Aww, I miss you too!"
J: "Can I call you later? I'm here with the kindergarten and someone has to go to the toilet!"
D: "Sure, have fun! Bye!" I can't wait to tell her the news!
Justine
We came back to school about 3 pm. All parents were waiting for their kids and after everyone was gone. Julia and I went back to the classroom. We had two further dates but we both decided to stop after the last date. I like her, but there were no butterflies and stronger feelings. She is just a good friend and Julia feels the same. "What are your plans for the long weekend?" Julia asks me. "Tidy up my flat!" I answer and roll my eyes. I grab my bag and say goodbye to her.
Back at home I start to clean out my bathroom. It is the smallest room and I finish it quick. I fold my clothes and put them in my wardrobe when I hear my phone ring.
J: "Demi, I'm so sorry. I forget to call you back!"
D: "No problem. I was busy myself, but now I have some time."
J: "Perfect" I sit myself down on my couch. We are talking for about an hour now and I love hearing her cute laugh.
D: "Guess what! I'm coming over to New York tomorrow. I have some radio interviews and I am staying until the day after tomorrow."
I start screaming "That's so awesome! You have to come over! Please!"
D: "I don't know if there is enough time for a visit!"
J: "Are you kidding me? Get your ass up and come over as soon as possible! Don't you dare leaving New York without seeing me!" Demi giggles in her phone
D: "That was a joke. Can't wait to see you! We can meet after the interviews."
J: "I want to show you my favorite restaurant here. You will like it! Call me, when your interviews are over! And you have to sleep over."
I can't believe that I see her tomorrow. I am really happy right now. I suppressed the talk with Lucas about Demi being bisexual. I still don't believe that I can develop those kind of feelings for her. She is just an incredible friend.
I get up and continue cleaning up till late at night.
Demi
I arrive at the airport and the paps were already here. Max guides me through them. I hate them. They are screaming my name and thousands of flashes blind me. What would I give to delete them from my life. Enjoying my private life without anyone knowing. Going out without Max. I love him, but I hate the feeling of being depended on his protection. We finally arrive at the first radio station. I can't wait to finish all of them. The only thing I'm concerned off is the fact that Justine wants to have dinner with me. My eating habits are something I'm worried about myself the last weeks. I started to skip meals or only eat very little. I try my best to hide it and I am so disappointed of myself. I worked so hard to get healthy again but every now and then something stresses me so much that I relapse to one of my old problems. This time it is my eating disorder. Two days ago I even purged and fell asleep sobbing on my bathroom floor. But I will try to eat today. Not for Justine, but for me. I want to be healthy.
Justine
Demi called me an hour ago and I gave her my address. She is on her way and I can't wait to see her! The doorbell rings and I open the door. I hear her coming up the stairs to my flat. I open my apartment door and start screaming. "Oh my god! Hello! I'm so happy to see you!" I pull her into a warm hug and kiss her cheek. "So good to see you too! I'm happy to be here!" she answers giggling and I ask her in. "Well, that's me tiny little but expansive flat!" I tell her after the short tour. "I love it, it is really comfortable and I like your style!" she says. We sit down on my couch and I smile at her.
D: "What?" J: "Nothing, it's just.. I'm excited to see you. The last time we saw each other we had a great time and I was kind of nervous that this time could be different!" I say. "No way. We are going to enjoy it as well." she says.
I look at her and notice that she looks really tired. "Everything ok with you? You look really tired. Your face is... ?" Demi starts to tremble, "Everything ok, don't worry! As you say, I'm just tired!" she answers but I can feel there is more behind those words. I lay myself down on my back and pull her next to me. "Wanna cuddle?" I ask her as she lays her head on my chest. I stroke her back gently and she closes her eyes. "Thank you!" she says quietly and intertwine her left hand with my right hand. I kiss her forehead and we both lay there in silence. After a while she sits up next to me. "Are you hungry?" I ask her. She nods and we both get up to go to the restaurant.
Demi
It's really difficult to hide something from her. Her eyes shine through me every time I try it. But she doesn't apply any pressure on me to talk with her. She is just here for me and it seems that she exactly knows what I need.
We are in this fancy restaurant and Justine booked a table in a private part of it which I was thankful for. Although some people recognized me. It was a wonderful evening. I ate most of my meal and we laughed a lot. We definitely have the same sense of humor. At around 10 pm we wanted to leave the restaurant and I don't know why but paparazzi were waiting outside to take pictures of us. Justine looked kind of shocked and unable to cope with this situation. They were screaming my name and didn't keep distance. "Hey, don't touch me!" I yelled at one of them. Justine looked terrified and I grabbed her hand. After some minutes we arrived at a taxi and got in. Justine told the driver the address and we left the place. She was breathing heavily and looked at me. "How for god's sake can you resist that every day! I would turn crazy!" I grab her hand and start playing with her fingers. "I'm still not used to it and believe me, I hate it too. But guess what? Tomorrow you can admire yourself in some magazines!" I tried to sound amused. "That's not funny. Not at all! I need a coffee!" she said and laid her head on my shoulder.
Justine
We arrived at my flat and we both changed into our pajamas. We drank a coffee and decided to go to bed. "Well, you can have my bedroom, I am sleeping on the couch!" I say. "No! Your bed is big enough, I have no problem with that!" she answers. I smile at her, "Ok!"
"That's a crazy life you are living. Unbelievable for a country girl like me. Seriously I take my hat off!" I tell her as we both get under the covers. She snuggles up to my side and wraps her arms around my chest. "It is hard, yes. And there a tons of things that tell me, stop it Demi! Go to collage and learn something serious! But the feeling I get when I am on stage and being able to perform my own music in front of all those incredible people is worth a fortune. I can connect with them when I am on stage. They can relate to my music and so many fans told me that I've saved there life because of my music and my story. And this is something that makes me so proud, thankful and honored. And I can gather experiences that not a lot people can make. I travel all over the world, meet interesting people and don't forget that I earn some cash too." she explains. "No seriously, I'm not doing it because of the money. I want to share a bit of my story to tell people that it is ok to be different. That it is ok to struggle sometimes. Last but not least it's all about my music. I want to sing it out into this world!" "I love your passion Demi, I really do. I can't wait to come to one of your shows and see you perform! I even bought your album after I came back to New York and I love it! Your voice is incredible and I love your music!" Her cheeks blush. "Thank you, that means a lot!" And with that she hugs me closer. I fall asleep next to Demi and feel amazing.
Demi
In the middle of the night I awake from my sleep with tears streaming down my face. I had a bad nightmare but can't really remember. I feel terrible and try not to awake Justine. I can't help myself but I have this strong need to puke and get rid of the food in my stomach. I stand up quietly and don't turn of a light. I sneak to the bathroom and knee in front of the toilet. Tears run down my face and I start sobbing. I don't want to give in but my inner voices are stronger. I force myself to purge.
"Demi, what happened?" I flinch in panic as I see Justine coming towards me. She knees beside me and holds my hair back. "Everything ok?" "Yeah, I.. I felt sick!" I feel so ashamed and notice that Justine knows that I'm lying. I stand up and clean myself as I let cold water run over my face. Justine still sits on the floor and watches me carefully. I turn around and try to escape from her sight. She stands up and lifts my chin up. "Sweetie how are you? And don't lie to me. You know that you can trust me ok?" I sigh and let me fall into her arms. "I can't tell you, I'm sorry! It's difficult!"
Justine
I was shocked seeing her purge. She was crying and sobbing and I immediately know what was going on. I've seen that before. The way she sighs and stares at every meal that she has in front of her. How she seems to be disgusted when she eats the first bites. And now seeing her in front of the toilet. My best friend Jody was bulimic when she was younger. She went through hell fighting her demons telling her that she was not good enough, fat, ugly. It was a battle that lasts almost two years until she decided to get the help she needed. And she came back. Healthy and strong. She still has her dark thoughts sometimes but she knows what to do. Seeing Demi, feeling her tears on my neck, it kills me. "You don't need to tell me, Demi! I've seen that before. Don't be ashamed.!" I tell her about Jody still holding her in my arms. After I finish I ask her "Am I right that you have an eating disorder too?" She nods her head. "I was in treatment for that as well. I don't know why I got back to this shit!" I take her hand and guide her back to the bed. I cover her in the blanket and hold her close in my arms.
"You are so precious to so many people. Not only your fans. Your family, your friends they all love you! Don't let this get you down. You've overcome it once you can fight against it another time! You are a fighter girl, don't give up!"
Demi
We both woke up the next morning. Memories from last night came back and I felt horrible. But I also remember all what Justine told me and I was so thankful for that. She looks into my eyes and smiles. "Feeling better this morning?" she asks me. "A bit!" I answer. We get up and change into our clothes after we both took a shower. "Time for breakfast!" Justine yells from the kitchen. I look in the mirror and breath in and out to calm me down.
I sit down at the table. Justine made muesli and milk with fresh fruit. She sits down on the opposite of the table and starts eating. I feel tears coming back. "I can't eat! I'm so sorry!" I say. "Get up!" Justine answers and grabs my hand. She walks to the bedroom pulling me with her. She stops in front of a huge mirror on her wardrobe and stands behind me. "Look at you Demi!" she says holding my shoulders. "Tell me what you see!"
"I see a very sad girl." is all I can explain. "This girl is really sad, I can see that too. But tell this girl what you appreciate of her!" I don't know what she wants from me. "What do you like about yourself? Tell me and say it to this sad girl."
I stand there for a while and then I start talking. "This girl has a really nice smile. I like her eyes. They are..." "They are what?" "They are beautiful." "They are really beautiful. Keep going!" "I think this girl has pretty hands because they are very gentle to others and they are soft. That's, that's... all."
Justine
"No, that's not all. In my eyes this girl has a healthy looking, sexy body. She should be proud of her curves because they make her unique, likeable and amazingly beautiful. This girl has scars that show her battles she went through. She should be so proud, because she survived these battles and her scars are battlewounds. This girl has strong shoulders to lean on and to hold her head up high. This girl is so much more then she can ever imagine. And one meal does not change that. She has to realize that neither a clothing size or the number on a scale defines who she is. Everything that defines this girl is inside her! And what I found out about that till now is, that she is kind, brave, funny, sensitive, open hearted and so much more. And now I want to see this girl smiling to herself. Because her smile is definitely nice. And after that she is going to enjoy her breakfast and she will finish it! I know she can do that!" I look at her in the mirror and she shows a little smile. "Good, now come with me!"
We sit down at the table and we both start eating. We don't talk, just sit there in silence. And Demi eats. I'm so proud of her, she finishes all. After that I take her hand for a second time and take her back in front of the mirror.
Demi
We are standing in front of the mirror again. I smile at Justine and at least I smile at myself. "Thank you!" is all I can say. "Don't thank me, thank yourself! And look at you! What do you want to tell this girl now?"
"I want to tell her, that I am proud of her. And that this breakfast didn't change anything of her body. Well except for a better feeling she has now. And her smile is more confident and definitely more beautiful than before. And I want to promise this girl that I will fight for her, because I know she wants to be healthy and strong. She deserves it!"
Justine turns me around and hugs me. "That means a lot to me and this little sad girl, Justine thank you so much!" I tell her. "This helped Jody so many times. I've hoped that it will help you too. Stand in front of a mirror every day and tell yourself what you like about yourself. You will realize that you are precious and a gift for this world!" she explains.
After that we both sit down on the couch and she hands me her guitar. I start playing "skyscraper" and feel better after every line.