#1- Beginnings and Endings
"Hello, Lauren, love,
So you're watching this which means only one thing, I'm dead but as you can see, I'm not totally gone; this is an ending, but it's also a beginning, in a different kind of way. I hope you read the note and you understand what I'm trying to do here. It's really hard to do this, I'm trying to reach out into the future so I can be with you through the important parts in your life, be with you in a way that I never was through the last few years.
There's so much I want to share with you, mija; there are so many things that I still have to say to you and now I'm not going to get a chance to do properly; so I've had to improvise. I've had to try and think of every moment in your life that I can be a part of in some way and leave you a tape for it, I've made a list, see? This is my list of the things of the things I want to talk to you about, I only hope I've got enough time to do them all before the inevitable happens.
Look, cariño, this is the first of many, but for me, this is the most important one for you to see. This is the first message where I can try and pass on some wisdom to you at what I know is going to be a tough time for you.
I'm really sorry this happened, sweetheart, I really am; not because I've died, that was always going to happen one day, but because I know this is going to be an too much for you to deal with and there's not a lot to deal with it with. The last few months have been hard on our finances and I know you've suffered the most. I know you thought about going to University, and I know you gave up on that dream when you found out I was sick.
So here's the deal, love. I don't care about what happens to me, declare poverty and get the damn Government to bury me or whatever, the bastards had most of everything I earned in tax over the years anyway, so the way I figure it is they owe me. Also, I don't really care what happens to me after I'm gone, the body I leave behind is just a shell and my spirit will always be with you no matter what happens to it. The last thing I want for you to do is to ruin your future for me, so don't worry about me, Lauren, please.
Now that we've cleared that out, I want to discuss something far more important to me; I know that this is going to seem ridiculous, mija, but I want you to try not to grieve.
Grieving is nothing more than feeling sorry for yourself, and I hope that I've taught you better than that; best foot forwards and follow your heart always, remember?
Not exactly the greatest words of wisdom that I could have passed on, but ones that I think will serve you well if you hold onto them. You have a long life to enjoy, Lauren, one that I know will be filled with great things, just have a bit of faith in yourself along the way. You've always made strong decisions throughout your life, but sometimes not great ones for you; one of my greatest regrets is that I contributed to your decision to lock yourself away, to follow your head and not your heart. Give yourself to your heart once and a while, mija. You might be surprised what you get as a reward; mother nature's good like that. Remember what I always told you, try and make every single day that you spend on this earth special, because you're a long time dead darling, a very long time dead.
I can honestly say that you have made my days so very, very special up to now and I only regret that I won't have that for much longer.
Anyway, love, I can't talk forever. Angie over there will kill me, and I do get tired... so very, very tired these days; and if I talk for too long to this fucking machine then I won't be able to stay awake when you come in to visit me, and I can't have that. I know you know how bad it really is. I've been trying to hide it from you as best I can, but you're a clever girl. I know I haven't got much time left, and I'm not going to waste the hours we have together with all of this nonsense. Hence me doing these tapes, this way I can share your life in the present and do something for you as you get older. I hope you get to watch all of these tapes, that you allow me to share in your future in this silly little way, giving us the chance to be together at the key points of your life. What I do know is that wherever I am right now, it's a better place than the one I was in; with the exception of having you around, that is, but I also know that I'll be looking down at you with nothing but love and pride.
I'm so proud of you, my little child of the moon and I love you so very, very much. The next tape I'm going to do is for your birthday, your eighteenth birthday, your very special day. I hope that you won't need it, and that I get to share that special day when you become a fully grown up woman in your own right. If that's not possible then I hope that you'll watch it, and I hope you have a fantastic day knowing that I'm with you always. I'll sign off now before I start crying and you think something is wrong when you come in later.
I love you, Lauren, remember that, and I'll see you really soon."
o+o+o
She watched as her mom blew the camera a kiss and, as the screen went black on the laptop, she found her hands were frozen in her lap, totally stunned. It was like her mother had been back in the room with her, so absorbed had she been looking at her gaunt, wasted face on the screen and listening to her voice as she gave her her short message of love. It was like she was sat on that hard plastic chair in that sterile cold room once more, she could almost smell the antiseptic and the faint hint of despair that she associated with it.
It was a horrible feeling, and yet such a wonderful one as well. For a few brief moments, Clara Jauregui was speaking to her again and she had no idea how she was supposed to react. The emotions were churning her insides to buttermilk and she could feel her heart racing in her chest; it was only the close proximity of one Camila Cabello that was stopping her from getting off that couch and running for the hills.
"Are you ok, baby?" Camila asked finally breaking that painfully tight silence. She wanted to reply, but she didn't have any words. She found that she didn't have the ability to speak at all; staring at her goggle-eyed as her brain fought for control.
"Breathe, baby," she heard her say as she placed her hand on her chest, "please try to breathe." With a gasp, she released a breath she hadn't realized she'd been holding on to, and slowly tried to find herself again; striving to find her safe place, a place where she could get her brain back into gear once more.
"That's better, Lolo, just like that," Camila said, her hand gently pressing, her voice reassuring. "Just breathe with me, mi amor, we'll be fine."
After a few minutes, she was feeling just a little bit better, the feeling returning to her fingers, the numbness ebbing away. It was truly weird, after all these years to see and hear her mom, it drove home how much she missed her.
"Ok now?" Camila asked, hugging her tightly and laying her head on her chest.
"Yeah," she replied finding her voice at last. "It was just a bit of a shock, you know, seeing her again like that, I had no idea..."
"I can't even begin to imagine how it must have felt, baby, I really can't. I wish I'd met her, though, she seems a wonderful person."
"She was, she was truly wonderful," she confirmed, looking at the list of file names, the names and numbers faithfully reproduced on the screen as she remembered them from glancing at the tapes in the box.
Camila swung her feet onto the floor and reached up to kiss her on the cheek. "I think we need a cup of tea, love," she said innocently as she got up to walk away. "I'll go and put the kettle on." It was such a familiar thing to hear, such a reminder of her mom's answer to all problems that she felt her eyes welling up and she bit down on her lip to hold back the tears.
It was only when she felt her face buried into soft hair and a hard shoulder that she realized that she'd been totally unsuccessful, Camila hugging her tightly as she sobbed into her shoulder. They must have sat like that for five minutes before she cried herself out, Camila wiping her cheeks with her sleeve, looking at her sadly.
"Was it something I said?" Camila asked as she smiled at her; staring into those eyes that, like her mother's, looked at her full of love.
"You reminded me of her," she told her with a sigh, "with the cup of tea thing, it's exactly the sort of thing she would say in these circumstances; almost the same tone of voice as well."
"I'm sorry," Camila said seriously, frowning, and she smiled again, this time with a bit more feeling and pulled her face to hers so she could kiss her; feeling much better at their closeness, and the feel of her lips on her own.
"Don't be, it's just me being stupid, that's all."
"I don't think you could be stupid, Lo, especially not about this. Now would you like me to make you a cup of tea or would you prefer me not to?"
"Yeah, please, a cup of tea would be lovely," she said licking her lips as Camila kissed her again. "I won't take a minute, then, you wait right there."
She heard her bustling around in her kitchen, wondering what kind of disaster she was likely to have to face; Camila really hadn't been kidding when she told her that she didn't spend much time in there, and some of the brews that she had made were bordering on undrinkable.
She really knew how to stew a pot of tea, that's for sure.
While she waited for her to come back, she took a deep breath, wiped her teary eyes, and double clicked on the second file; feeling that she would be ok watching something that was just over eight years past its date. As the screen began, she smiled as she saw the image of her mom appear again, sat on her hospital bed wearing a party hat and blowing out a party streamer, the rough rasping sound of the 'whistle' the only sound. She felt yet another tear trickle from her eye as she saw her wave at the camera and she wiped it from her cheek quickly and settled back to watch.
o+o+o
#2- Eighteenth
"Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you. Happy Birthday, dear Lauren, Happy Birthday to you!
Stupid fucking thing; Angie, get me another streamer thing, this one's broken...oh really? Crap, never mind then.
HAPPY EIGHTEENTH, Lauren, mija, all grown up and ready for the world; but I do have to say that I wonder if the world is ready for you yet.
It doesn't seem like yesterday that I gave birth to you, the blink of an eye, in fact; yet I remember every single second of it. I believe it's more than traditional for a proud mother to embarrass the fuck out of her poor daughter on her birthday so it's my dearest hope that you watch this tape right to the very end, and that you are watching it with all your friends so I can get maximum effect and they can get maximum value out of your humiliation.
I remember thinking just after you were born how beautiful you were, how vivid those eyes of yours were and most of all how tight a grip you had. I can still feel how hard you gripped my finger, I don't think it ever did recover from being crushed like that, just look!
I had to get the midwife to help get you off, you know. You really were a tough little thing. You were a noisy and demanding baby too, always clamoring for something or other, it took me a long time to get used to you I have to say, always crying whenever I tried to get a bit of time to myself. Then just as I truly got used to having you around, you were off crawling, you'd found a tiny bit of independence and I could barely keep up with you from that moment on.
I can recall the first word you said to me as clearly as if it were yesterday. I know I told you that your first word was 'Mama', but I'm sure it will come as no surprise to anyone that knows you that your first word was actually 'No'. In fact, I'm sure I should have made the world's future easier and had you adopted right then and there before I made you any more argumentative; you and I together, well we would have been unstoppable.
We didn't always have an easy time of things, Lauren, but then I'm sure that every family has its moments like ours, times where the teenage daughter hates her mother with a passion that seems all-consuming and unrelenting; what I want you to know is that I loved you always, I never stopped loving you, and that I know you never stopped loving me either. We never discussed it but I know it's true; you're easy for me to read, Lauren, and I know you never stopped loving me even in our darkest hours.
Anyway, if I haven't embarrassed you enough, here's the kicker, I've watched you grow up from a shitty assed baby, through stumpy-footed brat into a sour-faced pouty teenager who was always angry and claimed to hate the world and everyone in it. It's my greatest pleasure though to have seen you blossom from awkward youth into a strong beautiful woman, one that rarely wets the bed anymore, not unless she's been drinking heavily anyway.
Embarrassed yet, love? You know I have no doubt you're just laughing along with everyone that's watching this with you.
So on your eighteenth birthday, I want to celebrate the woman who's watching this screen now. The intelligent, passionate, articulate woman with her whole future in front of her; and I know it's a bright future, Lauren Michelle Jauregui, a very bright future indeed.
Have a great eighteenth, mija. Have a drink for me, enjoy your day and remember I love you always. Happy Birthday, sweetheart, here's a few things to remind you of who you are."
o+o+o
She stared at the screen with a sad smile on her face as picture after picture of her, or her mom, or of them both appeared on the screen. One after the other, pictures from her birth to their last Christmas together flashed past, three pictures in particular caught her eye; three pictures that now graced the wall of her girlfriend's flat for no other reason than she wanted it to feel like a home to her.
Her mom was right, even in death; it was good to follow your heart, and mother nature sometimes did surprise you.
"You were a cute baby, you know," she heard Camila say as the clip ended with a picture of her mom holding a baby in a hospital bed, the irony of their beginning and ending being in one of those beds not escaping her; "a cute teenager, too. I wish I'd known you back then. I can't believe that we went to school so close to each other."
"and so far apart too, Camila," she said looking up at her as she handed her the cup of steaming tea, "you'd never have spoken to someone like me; we were from two different worlds."
"I might have," Camila said putting down her cup and snuggling into her again, "but you're probably right. But then you wouldn't have spoken to one of those 'stuck-up bitches' from the all-girls college either, would you? Especially if you were as angry with the world as your mother said you were."
"Oh I was," she replied nodding and smiling. "I was a bitch when I was growing up, you would have hated me; I would have made your sister look like Bambi."
"But loving too, babe, just like you are now; your mom pretty much said so and she obviously adored you so you can't have been that bad."
Camila snuggled back into her arms, burrowing into her. "Are you going to watch any more of these today?"
"Yeah, I think so..., a couple at least. I think some of them aren't appropriate for me to watch yet, though."
"Mmmm," Camila murmured twisting again to look at the large screen, "I see she's even done a couple for your wedding day."
"Yeah, they might be fun to watch, just for a laugh; crazy old cow knew I wasn't likely to get married."
"Well, I don't think you should," Camila said firmly, "your mom made all of these tapes for your benefit, I think you should watch them the way they were intended, before or during the events."
"Well, I don't think I'll be watching tape twenty-one, Camz," she said confidently, smiling as Camila shifted forward to squint at the screen.
"I fucking hope not," Camila said laughing and elbowing her in the side as she settled back on the sofa and picking up her drink again, "'boyfriend' indeed, I'm going off your mother now."
"She was probably covering all bases, love, she was always very thorough; do you want me to delete it? Remove any possible temptation?"
"NO!" Camila exclaimed laughing as she half-heartedly reached out towards the keyboard, nearly causing her to spill her tea. "Don't you dare delete any of these messages your mom did for you, you'll only regret it."
"I'm kidding, Camz, do you want to watch tape twenty, the 'girlfriend' one, see what words of wisdom my mom has for you, or about you?"
"Later, babe, if you feel it's right; you should watch the ones that mean something to you first."
"Well, I do want to see what she has to say to me about it, but I want to see that Christmas one first; if you don't mind me watching it,"
Camila looked at her appraisingly, her lips hidden by the cup that she has hiding behind. She knew the brunette was smirking at her and she raised an eyebrow questioningly, a look of warning on her face.
"Yes?" Camila said guiltily, knowing that she'd rumbled her amusement, "Can I help you?"
"You can explain that look, Miss Cabello," she said smiling. "That would help you a lot."
"I'm sorry, I can't help it if you don't come across as the sort of person who gets all giddy over Christmas," she said sniggering at her finally.
"I used to love it a lot, not so much anymore, though."
"I guess not. I suppose you wouldn't have much time for Christmas in the Army."
She chuckled to herself as she remembered the many times that they'd celebrated Christmas in the MPC. Usually seriously heavy drinking sessions when they were home, cheesy 'ceremonies' when they were on tour; though she did spend a good part of her day at that time of year trying to avoid the chaplain, making sure he didn't try to drag her along to Christmas prayers. The weirdest thing she had experienced though, in her entire time in the Army, was listening to the boys singing their own Christmas carols in the back of an APC in the desert; though admittedly that was in August.
"What's so funny, Lolo?" Camila asked bringing her back from the image of Saint bellowing out 'Oh come all ye faithful' when it was forty degrees in the shade, placing the emphasis on words that were more akin to sexual prowess than religious celebration, followed by a rousing rendition of the twelve days of Christmas with a set of words that certainly wouldn't be found in the hymn book of your local church; not unless it was a very liberal church, a very liberal church indeed; the guys singing about those twelve maids doing something that certainly couldn't be considered 'a milking', well, not cows anyway.
She still can't hear that fucking carol without singing 'five cock rings' in her head, bastards that they were.
"Nothing, Camz, just memories," she told her blinking and smiling, "memories of all those Christmases I didn't have time for in the Army."
"Ok, ok...so you did have time," Camila said shoving her playfully, "I told you I don't like the people in the Army; I have no idea what they do, nor do I care."
"All people in the army?" she asked raising her eyebrow again.
"Ok, only the dickheads," Camila replied grinning at her look, "maybe some of the people in the Army were nice, well you, Normani and Dinah anyway. So go on then, why don't you love Christmas anymore? Is it because of your mom?"
"Yeah," she said, finding the words surprisingly easy to say, "after our last Christmas together, I really didn't have the sprit for it anymore. Mami and I weren't religious, but Christmas was our family time, it was pretty special for us, it just wasn't the same after she died," she added sadly.
"So why don't you put the tape on then, baby, see what your mom had to say about it."
It was funny to hear the enthusiasm for this in Camila's voice, her desire for her to connect once more with her mother in some way. As Camila put her cup down onto the coffee table and sat back, she pulled her into a hug and kissed her forehead.
"What was that for?" Camila said as she released her, looking pleased.
"Just thanks, thanks for doing this," she told her, the wonderful feeling of being loved washing over her. Perhaps it was her, perhaps it was them, perhaps it was just her being a sop because she'd seen her mum for the first time in over eight years. It didn't really matter what had caused it. She felt loved for the first time in all that time; unconditionally loved, loved for who she was.
"It was my pleasure, mi amor, I'm glad I could do something good for you."
"You do lots of good things to me, Camz," she replied playfully, trying to lighten the mood slightly.
"Play the tape, Lauren," Camila replied shaking her head in mock despair.
"Yes, dear."
o+o+o
#11 – Christmas
"Jingle bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle all the waaaayyyyyy... Oh what fun it is to ride on a one horse open sleigh...why are you making me sing this, Angie? What a load of fucking bullshit, she'll hate me for this...do you want that on your conscience, Angie, my daughter hating me for the rest of her life because you wanted me to sing a Christmas carol on this tape?
Ok, Ok, I'll admit it was my idea...it was my idea to sing the carol, Lauren. Are you happy now? Oh shut up and operate the camera, Angie, really what do I pay you for?
Anyway, annoying nurses aside...Merry Christmas, Lauren, as you can see we're having a bit of fun here today because Angie reminded me that I should do a tape about Christmas...now before you turn it off, I mean our Christmas celebrations, ok? Not the shit that we hate. I might be sick, but I'm not sick in the head!
I want you to know something, Lauren, last Christmas was very special for me; you made it incredibly special, you know that? If you didn't, I want you to know it now. All that effort you went to made the entire day very, very wonderful; and that present meant more to me than anything else you could have done. It was thoughtful, it was beautiful and it was simply perfect. I love it a lot, in fact I have it here with me now, it means I can have you with me even when you can't be here.
Right, so we need to deal with this whole Christmas thing; I know I told you that no matter where you are in the world, I want you home for Christmas. Well, that doesn't look like it's going to happen anymore, and I'm sure you knew it as much as I did.
So here's my message to you for this time of year, keep our spirit alive, Lauren mija, raise a glass of something expensive and nice to us and remember that we had some very good times despite all the commercialized pseudo-religious bullshit.
Remember that for thousands of years, it's been a special time of year, a time when families come together and thank the Gods for what has gone before and for what they have to look forward to in the year to come. I want you to remember that for when you have a family, however small. Whether it's you and one other person, or you having your family of your own, I want you to keep on giving thanks for all you've received.
Keep up the history, mija, keep it up and try to remember me when you do it, that's what traditions are about.
I think that would be really appropriate, remember I'm looking down on you, mija, I'll know if you don't do it!
So here's the deal, Lauren, do this for me...at some point on Christmas Eve or Christmas day, when you have the time, put this tape on again and share a few minutes with me. Wherever you are in the world, let me be a part of your Christmas, just like when I was alive and able to make it happen myself.
Merry Christmas, Feliz Navidad and all of that, mija, may your New Year be filled with happiness.... cheers!"
o+o+o
"I never did, you know," she said to Camila as the screen went black again; her voice choked as she repeated what she had told her before. "I never did celebrate Christmas again after she died, not in the same way; I just couldn't do it."
"You didn't know, though, Lolo, I'm sure she'll understand."
"Yeah," she agreed, "she totally would, still makes me feel bad, though. I should have watched these when she intended, should have known they'd be important."
"Lo?" Camila said, causing her to twist around to look at her, those glorious eyes staring back at her, "you didn't know any of this until today, you can't begin blaming yourself for not following her wishes without ever knowing what they were; and you can't blame yourself for not watching these tapes either. You were seventeen, babe and your mother had just died; you had a lot to deal with."
"Maybe," she agreed half-heartedly, still feeling that she'd betrayed her mom in some serious way.
"Maybe nothing," Camila said, a firmness in her voice that was tinged with sympathy. "You know I'm right. Besides, she'd forgive you anything, she loves you so much; you can totally see that in these tapes."
"Yeah," she said, not wanting to have an argument about something so obvious; the guilt was still there, but Camila was right as usual. There was no point blaming herself for things she has no control over; it was something she'd spent a lot of time discussing with Joanna in their sessions, guilt. Joanna was firmly of the belief that guilt was behind everything that had been affecting her; guilt about her mom, guilt about Luis, guilt about just about fucking everything.
"Do you want to see what she has to say about me then, Lolo?" Camila asked, nudging her from her internalization, "Put on tape twenty?"
"Yeah, why not," she said cracking a smile. "Might be funny to see what she has to say about a girlfriend of mine. I think I need a drink first, though."
"You've hardly touched the one I made you," Camila said indignantly, gesturing at her still practically full cup.
"Yeah, there's a reason for that, love," she told her as she stood up, collected their cups and walked out into the kitchen.
"What's that?" Camila called after her, "something to do with your mother and tea? Something about these tapes?"
"Nah," she said, poking her head around the doorway from the little hall. "It's mainly because you make tea like you cook...really fucking badly."
"You bitch," Camila shouted, scrambling from the couch to chase her as she laughed and ran as fast as her feet could carry her. She'd barely managed to close her bedroom door when there was a loud thud as Camila slammed into it, followed by the pounding of fists on the wooden panels. "Let me in, Campbell," she shouted through her barricade. "I'll make you eat those words."
"Well, they'll probably taste better than your cooking, babe," she teased, enjoying the sound of laughter in what was supposed to be her affronted voice.
"Open this door right now, Lauren!"
"Well, that wouldn't be tactically sound now, would it?" she said walking away from the door and flopping down onto the bed. "How many times have I told you that anything between you and your assailant is an advantage, especially a door?"
"I'm going to make you regret insulting my tea making skills, Jauregui, I can sit outside all night if I need to; there was nothing wrong with that tea and you know it."
"Camz, how long did you leave the teabag in for? That brew was so strong it practically needed chewing, I had to use the spoon to chisel off the crust."
"Will you quit making fun of me and open this door, Jauregui," Camila laughed, still pounding on the frame, "stop being an asshole."
"Door's not locked, Camz" she said, sitting up and readying herself just in case. "You really should learn to check these things."
The pounding stopped abruptly and the handle turned, the door opening slowly to reveal a sheepish looking Camila.
"Didn't even think about actually trying to open the door," Camila admitted as she walked over to her. "I was sure you would have locked it."
"Always try the obvious, Camz," she told her as the brunette perched on her lap, her arms reaching around her neck and toying with her hair. "Sometimes the most obvious thing to do is the best."
"I'll remember that," Camila said winking at her, "anyway, I didn't know you could do subtle; I thought you were a 'kick in the door' kind of girl."
"I can be subtle, too, you know," she told Camila who pushed her lips tantalizingly close to her own, holding them apart by a fraction of a millimeter; her soft, warm breath tickling her face. "Sometimes."
"So can I..." Camila said suddenly tugging at her t-shirt, pulling it over her head and throwing it across the room. The woman looked at her hungrily for a second before pushing her backwards and stripping off her own shirt, sending it after hers to land in the corner.
"...sometimes," Camila finished lowering herself on to her. She was right.
o+o+o
The sun was setting as they settled down on the couch once more, freshly brewed and drinkable cups of tea in hand. She'd dragged a protesting Camila out of bed and into the kitchen, promising her how to make a decent cup of tea. She nearly fucked it up this time, though as Camila's delicious ass was a terrible distraction when covered only by a large t-shirt. A large t-shirt that rose up an awful lot as she asked her to reach for item after item from the shelves.
Finally, though, and much to her regret, she had to admit defeat and send Camila to put some clothes on; Camila's cheeky grin telling her she knew exactly what she'd been doing.
She poured the milk into the cups with a smile before following her into the bedroom to pick up her clothes, dressing quickly under the longing gaze of her girl.
"You ready?" Camila asked as they sat down again, laying her hand on her thigh; "let's see what she has to say about your girlfriend, shall we?"
"Yes, ma'am," she replied, sitting back and taking a breath. Camila smiled and clicked on the video, sitting back next to her as her mom's pale face appeared on the screen once more.
o+o+o
#20 – Girlfriend
"Hello again, Lauren, I really hope that you're happy and well and all loved up...I assume you are anyway, otherwise, you'd never look at this tape, would you?
Anyway, I realized that I hadn't ever had to give you the benefit of my years of experience in relationships; and yes, that was a joke before you start snorting and rolling your eyes. What I really wanted to do was talk to you about being in a relationship, and then get five minutes with your new girlfriend if you're serious about her enough to want her to "talk" to me.
You see, Lauren, I know you were a difficult teenager, and I'm worried that all of the problems that you, and we, had along the way might affect you, and that you might find yourself looking for advice in the wrong places...most probably from inside that head of yours. Trust me, Lauren, if you're still anything like the girl I brought up, the last place you want to go looking for advice is inside yourself, ok?
So, if I assume you're watching this because you find yourself in a relationship, I have the following things to ask; do you love her, and are you serious about her?
Now, you're probably sitting there thinking that I'm a mad old woman and that I'm asking you the same thing, but I assure you I'm not. I'm asking you the two most important questions I can think of. Firstly, are you serious about her?
I suspect you've already decided that you are serious about this girl. Well, if you're going to let her see the rest of this tape, you are, but I just want to check. By serious I mean that you're committed to her, want to be with her, find yourself at the very least happy in her presence. Without that commitment, Lauren, nothing will ever work...I think we both know that.
Secondly, mija, are you in love? Because you can be serious about someone and not be in love with them at all. Though I suspect you know that, too. You probably want to ask me how do you know if you're in love, right? Well, I'm afraid I don't have a definite answer for you, nugget, all I can really give you are questions.
Is every part of your heart dedicated to this girl? Would you give everything you have for her, would you give up everything you hold dear for her? Do you ache when you're not with her, do you worry about her every second that you're not together and do you get angry when she does something to hurt your feelings because you feel she's betrayed you? Does your stomach turn flips when you're with her, does your world feel emptier when she's not around?
That's love, Lauren, or at least it's a part of it. Love can't really be encapsulated in words like this. Love can only be described by feelings and I know that you live by your feelings, Lauren. All I ask you to do is trust them, not question them...can you do that for me, for you, for her?
So that's my advice on what I mean by love and commitment, the best I can do anyway. Now what I can tell you with some confidence is that if you have one, or the other, that's nothing really special. Love without commitment is empty, commitment without love is emptier still. But if you have both, and I feel that you might well think you have if you're still listening, well it's a wonderful thing; something that should be cherished forever.
Don't be scared of it, Lauren, you have to give yourself to it totally in order that you can truly appreciate, enjoy and cherish what you have with this other person.
Now that's a lot to take in, I know, especially for you, so what I want you to do is this; put this tape on pause and sit the lady in your life down on a chair and let her watch the rest of this message while you fuck off and think about the following question...do you cherish this girl? Do you love her, do you truly love her; and most of all do you see yourself being with her for the rest of your life? Think on that while we talk...now run along, love, bring her in.
o+o+o
"I don't think I was supposed to see that part, babe," Camila said as she leaned forward and paused the video file on the computer. "I think that was for you alone."
"I think you may be right," she said, her brain still reeling at her mother's words, words that affected her from beyond the grave. "I'll, er...I'll leave you to it."
"You sure, babe?" Camila asked as she stood up and kissed her.
"Yeah, she wants to talk to you without me watching, love, I think I should respect that; I really think you should be on your own with her."
"Ok, babe, if you're sure. Do you want me to call you when it's over?"
"Please, then I'll make us dinner or something." she said walking into the hallway.
"We'll order out, babe," Camila shouted as she walked towards her room, thinking that she'd hide in there, "my treat!"
She shouted her agreement and then, as she heard the speakers on the computer fire up once more, she squatted down outside the doorway and decided to do some 'information gathering' as she preferred to call eavesdropping. As she strained her ears, she heard the sound of her mother's voice ring out again, and the creak of material as Camila settled back on the sofa to listen.
o+o+o
"Hello, dear, my name is Clara and I'm Lauren's mother, though I hope you already know that. If you don't know that, then we're in worse shape than I thought.
Right, we need to have a chat. I assume you're probably far more used to having this kind of talk face to face, rather than like this, but as you know this is the best I can do.
This is the point where I suppose I'm supposed to warn you about hurting my daughter, so here it is; no matter who, or what, you think Lauren is, I know she's a sensitive soul. She deserves the best, so if you're fucking with her in any way, I expect you to fuck off now and leave her to find someone that's worth her effort...
...still here? Well, good, perhaps you are the one to make her happy. Let me tell you something dear, my Lauren is a complicated girl, she's capable of so much love, but she's subject to so much pain as well. If you're the right person for her, she'll give you just about everything she has to give, and if she does that, you'll have the ability to hurt her more than any other person on the planet.
So I suppose my role here is to try and help you understand my daughter, well that's going to be difficult as I recorded this when she was seventeen; even so, I don't think much will have changed. A leopard never changes its spots and neither does my daughter. Let me just repeat this, stress it to you if you like, my daughter has a capacity for love that is larger than anyone else's I have ever known. You seem to be the lucky person that has managed to tap into that love somehow and I'm really happy for you. She's a wonderful, beautiful person; though I know as her mother I would say that, wouldn't I?
What I need you to know is that she doesn't always show love in the best ways possible; she's not a touchy feely person for example. I doubt she's going to be the sort of girlfriend who's going to be all affectionate in public. She's also going to spend a lot of time in her head. My daughter is quite the thinker, and sometimes she can forget that people are around; but please, don't let that put you off. For you to get to this point means something quite special and I hope you appreciate just how privileged you are; you've got my daughter's heart.
Of course that means we have to have words, and I'm told it's sort of traditional that they should be threatening words...though to be realistic, any threats I may give you are a bit meaningless given that I'm dead; but let me tell you this, do not play with her affections, do not break her heart...basically don't hurt her, or I'll come back and haunt you!
Seriously, though, please don't mess her around. As I say, she's a sensitive soul really and you have the capacity to do her great damage. If something happens that means you want to end what you have, please just be honest with her; lying and cheating will probably hurt her more than anything else you could possibly do.
She doesn't deserve that, my daughter, she deserves to give her love to someone who can love her back unconditionally. If you can't accept her for who and what she is, if you can't love her without wanting to change her, then I think you should walk away right now; she'll only resent your actions and eventually you'll fall apart. In fact, she'll probably be the one to push you both apart and I'm afraid that you'll probably both walk away from your relationship with scars. You probably know that my daughter can bark, but let me tell you, her bite is just as dangerous; trust me...I know, I have the scars as well.
If you can love her for who she is...well, be prepared for the ride of your life. It won't always be easy, but then nothing worthwhile ever is; and worthwhile it will be, I assure you of that. I watched Lauren as she grew up into a wonderful woman and I know she will only have got better with age. She's stubborn, though, so stubborn that I know she's not far away right now; probably listening intently to see if you say anything that will give her any idea on how you're reacting to what I've said; probably wondering if she should stay or start running.
My Lauren runs a lot. I hope you're prepared to run after her. I hope that you're fast enough to catch her, or faithful enough to make her want to turn right around and come back to you.
I wish I could have known you, whoever you are; please treat my baby well. Now if I were you, I'd call her in so you can have a chat, make sure you're both ok, and that this little tape hasn't ruined anything you might have. I hope that, if anything, I've managed to make you stronger than you were; now you know my Lauren a little better that is.
Tell her I love her. In fact, I love you, both; be happy.
o+o+o
"Lolo, are you ok?" she heard Camila ask from the doorway. She cut a blurry figure as she walked toward her and squatted down. "I take it she was right. You listened in, didn't you? I heard you crying when it finished."
Camila kissed the top of her head as she nodded. "She knew you very well, didn't she?"
"Yeah," she said sniffing and blinking rapidly to clear her vision, "she was my mom and my best friend for so long; I miss her a lot."
"Well, now you have her back, in some small way, it's not the same I know, it'll never be the same..."
"...but it's better than what I had," she interrupted, "a few photographs, a lot of memories and a grave. I'd almost forgotten what she sounded like, you know? It's been so long since I actually heard her voice."
"Are you going to be all right, though, babe? This is all a lot to take in, and... "
"...I'll be fine, love," she told her, interrupting her worrying, feeling confident that it was the truth.
"Well, if you're sure," Camila replied, standing and holding out her hands to her.
"I'm sure," she said taking them.
"She's right, you know, your mom, you really are a very special person," Camila said hauling her to her feet; "but she was wrong about one thing, though."
"What was that?" she asked, suddenly curious as Camila led her back into the living room and sat her down on the sofa. Wondering what her mother could possibly had got wrong about her in Camila's eyes.
"She said you're not very affectionate, not very touchy-feely; well, you seem pretty touchy feely to me; in public as well as in private, when you don't have to put that CPO mask on of yours, that is."
"Yeah well, maybe, I just like touching you, babe," she said pulling her down onto her and running her fingers down her side; "maybe I quite like feeling you, too."
"Maybe you're a different woman to the one she knew?" Camila said, reaching up to run her soft fingers down her cheek.
"No, she got it spot on, babe," she explained; "with one minor flaw to her argument."
"What was that, love?" Camila asked as she kissed her fingers that traced her lips, tickling slightly. "She never knew you."
-------------
If you're wondering what Tape Twenty-one is, it just said...
#21 – Boyfriend
"Lauren, mija, you are SO gay."
😉😘