Justin
Morning chugged around as an enormous hangover eagerly seeking it's revenge. The RV looked as if a hurricane had just destroyed everything, and if Scooter got word of the destruction in here, it would be my ass on the chopping block. Guilt was eating away at my conscience like maggots to dead flesh. If anyone were to ever find out what I did to my wife and it somehow managed to get out, she would never forgive me.
Self destruction was prevalent. There was only a matter of time before Scooter noticed my habitual need to activate my system of self sabotaging behaviors. He would never let me get away scotch free. If there was one definite attribute about Scooter that drew me into him, it was his undying exigency of a conscious that required him to be a good person. I figured telling him would be better than him accidentally finding out from one of the dancers. My actions, my responsibility.
The air outside was warm. Sun rays bouncing off the RV's parked out front of tonights arena. Scooter's camper was right behind mines. Morning's were always his meditation moments. If he didn't kill me over my reckless decision to practically neuter myself, he would definitely kill me over interrupting his calming period.
"You better have a damn good reason to be knocking on my door this early, Justin." He opened the door and let me inside his RV. His place definitely looking a lot more livable than the travesty the party had on mines. I flopped down on his couch and looked up and him. "What is it?"
For some reason, his presence proved to be entirely more intimidating in person than the version my mind played this conversation out in. Scooter's opinion of me was something I genuinely valued. He was one of the only people that could make me feel negligible⏤and my wife of course.
"I'm uh. I'm looking for a place where I can take Brooke on vacation after the tour ends. Somewhere that's hot and comfortable. Nothing that feels too touristy. I think she needs to relax. It has to be extremely nice so it will take her mind off of all the stress she's been harboring you know?" Scooter looked at me with a slight smile. "I figured you would know all the best spots."
He seemed somewhat interested in my attempts to fabricate something out of thin air, but his signature look prevailed. He had something to say, but instead he bit his tongue. This was our back and forth conversational breaker whenever there was an issue. He'd give the look knowing I'd ask what was wrong. Then he would try to deny it and insist that everything was okay, and then he'd finally buckle down and unleash the beast.
"What?" I questioned. "Do you not know of any good vacation spots?"
He shook his head for a bit, not once dropping the look. "That's what you wanna talk to me about right now? Vacation spots?," he questioned, shrugging his shoulders. "I think you were meaning to apologize for the stupidity you participated in." He practically yells, although it was nothing louder that a whisper. It was something he learned to perfect. "You must've lost your last remaining brain cell at that concert because honestly I would've never thought you would do something so idiotic. How could you possibly do that knowing the fertility problems Brooke has had since she lost the baby? This is unforgivable and if you thought you were coming in here to get justification for your recklessness then you've greatly mistaken me for someone else."
He didn't have to say anything else. The guilt had already eaten me alive after his first two sentence. He was right. It took almost everything in me to not cry right now. Regret wasn't even word enough to describe the way I felt about what I had done.
"What?" I half laughed, trying to hide the pain his words caused me. "A vasectomy? I'd never get one of those knowing what's going on with my wife. Why would you ever think that I would do that?"
Scooter walked over to the couch and sat down, pure disappointment dispersed on every inch of his face. I'd never seen him this way before. It was this look that I proved I had screwed up beyond repair. His expression made me shiver. The guts in my stomach seeming to be jumping all over the place at this moment. I never sensed the feeling of rejection from him until now. Maybe that was why it made me completely uneasy.
"Marriage is something that you vowed to partake in. Need I remind you? Every single one of those dancers doesn't have an inkling of what it's like to commit themselves to one women for the rest of their life. You're an idiot for letting them talk you into something that could potentially cause her to walk out of your life. This isn't some joke that could be played around with," he paused. "She lost her baby and now finally has the strength to want to try again and here you are, taking that choice away from here to prove a point?" Scooter looked at me and scoffed. I trailed him with my eyes as he walked over to the RV door. "So yes, I'm very disappointed in you and I don't think I've ever been more. You need a reality check and a whole new set of friends because I can assure you, a betrayal like this will ruin a marriage," he paused. "Let me know if you still need those vacation recommendations after you tell the women you supposedly love what you did." That was it. Scooter opened the door and slammed it shut on his way out.
Agony trapped me in the measly inches on the RV's living room. His words hanging on my chest like the weight of a million elephants. I really did screw up.
The day drug on as if it had been a decade. Nothing else was holding my attention but Scooter's disappointment and the thought of how Brooke was going to react when I mustarded up enough courage to tell her what I had done. Once rehearsal's were done, I opted back to the RV to be alone. Sulking was the only think that sounded pleasant enough to captivate my attention.
"Hey, dude? What was last night all about? I thought you said you were going to take the drinking lightly from now on?" Marcus said, running up to keep up with my intent of heading back to the RV alone."
Nothing seemed valid enough to use as an excuse for what I had done so I didn't even see the reason for explaining it to him.
"He told you, didn't he?" He huffed, stopping in his place. His eagerness to keep up with me vanishing just as quick as it appeared.
"Told me what?"
Marcus took a few steps closer to bridge the gap between us. He looked just as guilty as my reflection.
"Scooter. He told you that I told him you got a vasectomy. I'm sorry man. I had to do it. I've known you longer than anyone on this dance team and I know that that's not you nor the person you want to become. He was the only one that I knew for sure would get you to see it the way I saw it. The way it is."
Honestly, I couldn't even be mad at him despite how mad I truly was right now. He did what he had to do to screw my head back on the proper way. He wasn't at fault. It was me.
"Don't even apologize dude. What I did was shitty. Hell, I was on my way to tell on myself when I got choked up and couldn't even be man enough to admit what I had done, so thank you. Now I just have to get Brooke to understand. If she doesn't kill me or divorce me that is."
I wanted to believe I was being melodramatic, but lord knows how big of a mistake I made.
"Hey. Brooke isn't like that and you know it," Marcus stopped. He looked over to me for reassurance. "Don't worry."
He immediately noticed my uncertainty.
"We've been trying to get pregnant for a year now. Nothing. The doctors think it has something to do with the scar tissue that was left from the fall when the last baby died." My heart dropped saying those words out loud. What kind of monster was I? "She hasn't been able to conceive, Marcus. You don't know how much the possibility of her having another baby means to her."
Marcus looked shocked. He wanted to say something combating my ignorance, but he held it in. Perhaps my faults were punishment enough.
"Dude," he said with the shaking of his head. "Look, I was doing a little research about the procedure you had done and turns out it's reversible. You could go to the same guy and ask him to reverse it for you and the other guys never have to know. The only thing is, with the reversal, fertility isn't a guarantee. Most men are able to get their wives pregnant afterwards, but that's without the fertility problems. Other studies said that in vitro was the only way."
Damn. Turns out he really was doing what was right by me. There wasn't a proper way I knew how to thank him so I nodded.
We both walked back to the RV and stayed in there as the rest of the remaining day slipped into night. The show tonight wasn't a big one. Just a small personal one from someone that had connections to Scooter in which he owed a favor to. The arena was closed just for them. The was an hour of rest left before it was time for Marcus and I to go prepare for the show with everybody. It was still something I needed to do though.
The entire day had passed and the courage to call Brooke never showed up. The only way the courage was going to come up was if I forced it.
"Hey, Marc. You think you could head in early? I think it's time I made a phone call." Marcus nodded his head and grabbed his things.
"Good luck," he ended, sounding genuinely concerned with how things were going tp play out. It felt good to have someone rooting for me.
"Thanks bro."