Not safe for work.
...
Valkyrie crouched by the bed, eyebrows drawn together. "How do we know it isn't a heart attack? He's an old guy, and old guys have weak hearts, and intercourse involves a lot of heart pumping."
"Look at the picture," Skulduggery said, nodding his head in the direction of the side table.
"Well, that could be his grandson." Valkyrie frowned. "However, they have that same..." Valkyrie tapped her nose. "What, from a broken nose, probably? Doesn't flow with his chin, where it should be."
"Oh, well, yes."
Valkyrie looked over her shoulder at him. "That wasn't the answer you were looking for?"
Skulduggery held up a wallet. "I found this in his pants, and it's the same person in the license picture. However, I admit that I'm admiring that observation. That's a point for you on this investigation."
Valkyrie smiled. "Ahead already. Okay, so." She stood up and held up a finger. "Young man suddenly becomes old man overnight." A second finger. "A mortal, which rules out any intentional age-modification. That leaves an external source."
Skulduggery nodded.
Valkyrie couldn't keep her eyes away from the body.
The guy was shirtless, pants around his ankles—he still had his steel toed boots on, covered in concrete. He was decrepit, skin loose around his bones, nearly transparent, eyes sunken in. Hair nothing more than a few strands. In fact, Valkyrie was reminded of a mummy.
Except for the man's penis.
Valkyrie raised an eyebrow at Skulduggery, and she couldn't stop the smirk from creeping across his face.
"Do..." she began.
Skulduggery tilted his head up, slightly; had the façade been active, his eyes would have been closed. "Valkyrie, I am beseeching you to avoid mentioning the elephant in the room. I have never prayed for anything more in the entirety of my life than for you and I to exit this room without mentioning anything."
Valkyrie held up her hands. "Alright, alright."
Valkyrie grabbed the picture from the table, Skulduggery activated his façade, and they exited the apartment. The Cleavers nodded respectfully as they passed. Valkyrie shoved her hands in her pockets, smiling to herself.
"Valkyrie, please stop thinking about it."
She broke and threw her hands in the air. "Look, all I'm wondering if there's a way to get rid of the boner for the funeral! That's all I'm asking!"
Skulduggery shook his head. "You are such a disappointment."
"Look—"
"If you were a construction worker, what would you do on a Friday evening?"
...
The bartender cleaned the glass with a rag. How sanitary could that possibly be? The same rag, never washed, used on multiple cups and mugs?
Valkyrie shivered.
Skulduggery nodded. "Good afternoon. We're Detectives Pleasant and Cain."
The bartender grunted. "Shoulda' figured as much. No one comes in here with a suit on, not unless they're the police asking questions."
"How astute you are," Skulduggery said. "That's exactly what my partner and I are. Do you happen to know this fellow?" Skulduggery offered the picture to the man. "He was found dead in his apartment this morning. Johnathon Donoghue, construction worker."
The bartender looked it over, still cleaning the same glass, movements robotic. "He looks the same as any other lug who comes in here."
Valkyrie resisted the urge to sigh. "Right, but we have reason to believe he was here last night. This is by far the most popular bar in the area, judging by the size and proximity to other bars—or, well, the lack of any nearby pubs."
The bartender kept cleaning. "Well, if you know all that, I'm sure you would understand that it might be hard to keep track of all the faces that pass through, Detective."
Valkyrie smiled. "Of course. Well, if that's the case, I'm sure you'd be more than willing to let us see your security footage."
His hands froze. His eyes flicked to the ceiling, to the cameras, then back to her. Valkyrie could practically see the gears turning in his mind.
"Do you have a permit?" he finally asked.
Valkyrie shrugged. "No, but if that's the issue, it would only take an hour to get one."
The bartender let out a sigh. "Right. This way."
Bless those uneducated in the law.
He led them through a door, into what must have been the storage room. Crates of booze were littered about, along with a mop that was covered in cobwebs. There a stairwell tucked away into the corner.
The computer was in a tiny office, cluttered with what looked like bills and various bookkeeping sheets. The whole room felt green and grimy, and Valkyrie's claustrophobia loomed with the three of them inside.
The bartender gestured to the computer. "Help yourselves. Don't keep anything organized in files, but considered you're smart and all that, I'm sure you can find what you're looking for. I'll be out front, if you need me."
He lingered by the doorway, hand trailing on the wood, but he shook his head and moved off.
Skulduggery looked at Valkyrie.
Valkyrie frowned. "What?"
"This is your department, I'm afraid."
"Oh sure, just because you're four hundred years old, I'm expected to all the technological stuff." Valkyrie collapsed into the computer chair. "That's three points for me. Alright, let's see..."
It only took a minute of clicking to find the security footage. Skulduggery leaned over her shoulder, arm resting on the back of the chair, fingers just brushing against her.
"There's no footage for yesterday," Valkyrie said.
"Suspicious. Scroll down, please."
He could read much faster than her, so she scrolled down quicker than she could process the dates.
"Every month or so."
Valkyrie tapped her finger absently on the mouse. "Could be a recording thing. A glitch."
"And yet..." Skulduggery stopped.
Valkyrie looked at him. Her eyes caught movement behind him, and she nearly jumped out of her skin when she saw a woman leaning against the door frame.
Skulduggery didn't move his position, but he did look over. "Good afternoon."
The woman was absolutely stunning. Her hair was dark and curly, a halo around her head. She was thin, shapely, with a robe that was hanging off her. Nothing was left to the imagination.
"Can I ask," she said, voice light and airy, "why you're trespassing on private property?"
Valkyrie couldn't speak. Luckily, Skulduggery never lost his voice. He stood and swept over to her, extending his hand. She looked at it for a second, and then a smile melted across her features like warm butter, and she shook Skulduggery's hand.
"I apologize. We're Detectives Cain and Pleasant. We're investigating a murder case. The last sighting was at this bar, so we were examining the security footage from last night." Skulduggery removed his hand, and stepped back to stand at Valkyrie's chair.
The woman crossed her arms. "I see. I was going to say, if you two were trespassers, you're very polite ones." She smiled again.
Valkyrie cleared her throat. "Right yes. And you are?"
The woman hardly glanced at Valkyrie. "I'm Liboko."
Skulduggery's façade smiled politely. "South African, I take it?"
"How could you tell?" The woman laughed. "I thought my accent faded years ago." She waved at the computer. "Hopefully you've found everything you need...?"
Skulduggery nodded. "Indeed. My partner and I were just about to take our leave. Valkyrie?"
Valkyrie stood and nodded to Liboko. Her skin prickled as they passed, and Valkyrie had the uncomfortable feeling that Liboko was glaring a hole into the back of her head. Skulduggery opened the door, ushering her through.
The bartender stared at them. "Done so soon?"
Skulduggery nodded. "Indeed. Luckily, we've found exactly what we need. Have a wonderful rest of the day."
As soon as they were out of earshot, Valkyrie turned toward him. "What? What is it? What did you figure out?"
Skulduggery tilted his head back and forth. "A succubus."
Valkyrie stared at him. "We have those?"
Skulduggery laughed, leading them back towards the Bentley. "Not in the traditional sense. They aren't demons, as they're commonly described in the mythos. Just attractive people who seized upon an opportunity."
Valkyrie sank into the Bentley. "So, what you're telling me is that she seduced Donoghue and... And what?"
Skulduggery considered, retracting the façade and starting the engine. "I'm not entirely sure. Obviously, she killed him, but there's not many people who observe a succubus participating in her ritual. Energy is transferred from one to the other, which probably killed poor Donoghue."
Valkyrie bit her lip to hide her smile.
Skulduggery sighed. "You might as well say it."
"It explains the penis, doesn't it?"
"A gross disappointment, dear."
...
Valkyrie glared at the bar. If she hadn't loved the Bentley so much, she would have taken off her boots and pressed her feet against the windshield. But she did love the Bentley, so all she could do was glare at the bar across the street.
This was a dumb plan.
Valkyrie crossed her arms.
This was the dumbest plan. Not only that, but it was a dangerous plan. It was the type of plan that leads to someone being hurt, or killed.
Being separated was a bad idea.
Being separated so one of them could lure out a dangerous sex monster was worse.
Being separated so one of them could lure out a dangerous sex monster who killed with unknown methods was the worst idea of them all.
Hell, maybe Liboko could kill even though Skulduggery didn't have a penis. It was robbery of cell energy, and even though Skulduggery didn't have the traditional body, he still had a consciousness, plus magical energy.
Of course, Liboko would have to seduce Skulduggery far enough to realize he did not, in fact, have a penis, and then try to suck out his magical energy.
Not that the plan was for Skulduggery to get seduced at all. Just to lead Liboko to a quiet part of the town, so he and Valkyrie could beat her up and take her in for questioning. Well, it wasn't technically in the plan to beat her up, but Skulduggery had assured her that Liboko would resist arrest.
Valkyrie groaned.
Maybe it didn't matter how Liboko had sex. There must surely be ways to be intimate with someone of a more skeletal nature that didn't fall under the category of traditional "sex." After all, Skulduggery still felt pain when attacked. It made sense that he might also feel pleasure.
Of course, Liboko had probably never had sex with a skeleton. Perhaps one needed to understand how Skulduggery's body worked before one could envision sexual intercourse with a skeleton.
It would certainly be a surprise if one was expecting a human body.
Well, a live body.
Valkyrie was done thinking about this. She just hoped Skulduggery would hurry up, so she could stop thinking about him having sex. Well, how to pleasure him.
Surely, it was something Skulduggery would know how to do to himself. After all, knowing him, he must have gotten curious at some point. However, he doesn't experience human urges, so—
God damn it, there she went again!
Valkyrie started counting. It took her until five hundred and twelve before Skulduggery's tall silhouette appeared, Liboko presumably the one on his arm.
Valkyrie slipped out of the Bentley, following a safe distance behind.
The wind wasn't in her favor, so she could only hear brief snatches of conversation, and none of it made any sense. At some point, she swore she heard something about pickles.
Skulduggery turned into the alley they had agreed upon—in a quieter part of town, away from other pubs and streetlights—and Valkyrie ran over. As soon as she turned the corner, Skulduggery flew past her, letting out a little cry.
Liboko glared at her, still beautiful. "Ah, so you are here, too. It figures. I don't want to kill you."
Valkyrie held her hands up. "You're under arrest for assaulting a Sanctuary agent and resisting questioning."
Liboko's lip curled. "Pity."
Valkyrie summoned her magic, but Liboko was already running towards her, head down. Valkyrie aimed, but Liboko slammed into her.
Something much harder than a head dug into Valkyrie's stomach, and she flew backwards.
Skulduggery caught her. They both went down onto the asphalt.
"Ow," Valkyrie said.
"Careful, she has horns."
"Oh, yeah, of course." Valkyrie dragged herself up.
Liboko stood there, growing. Her feet started to meld together, toes into her foot into her heel, and something was emerging from her back.
Valkyrie held her hand up and fired off energy. It struck Liboko head on, and she screamed, shuddering. Regardless, wings burst from her back, big, leathery abominations that reeked of something like sweat.
Her dress didn't survive, and it fell away to reveal a body too skinny, breasts sagging. She screeched.
Skulduggery laughed. "She sounds like a goat," he muttered, then snapped his fingers.
Valkyrie shot her lightening across the puddles that appeared. But Liboko saw what was happened, and with a great flap of her wings, she ascended.
Skulduggery waved his hand, and a gust of wind slapped Liboko out of the air. She screamed, flapping furiously, and then she was heading towards Valkyrie.
Valkyrie ducked, but it didn't stop Liboko from grabbing a fistful of her hair and twisting. Panic flared through Valkyrie's chest, and she lost whatever grasp of magic she had on her fingertips.
There was a ripping sensation. Valkyrie screamed, thrashing.
"Hurts, doesn't it?" Liboko hissed.
Her claws searched for a weak spot in Valkyrie's clothing. Valkyrie blinked away the tears and slammed her elbow back as hard as she could.
Luckily, Liboko's liver was in the same spot. She dropped Valkyrie, gasping. Valkyrie turned and lashed out blindly with her palm, tears still in her eyes, and heard a satisfying crunch.
Something crunched Valkyrie's hand to the pavement, and she tried to recoil, but then Liboko was on top of her, screaming. The smell of burnching flesh filled Valkyrie's nostrils.
Suddenly, she was pulled into the fresh air.
Skulduggery checked her hand quickly. "I set her hair on fire, if that makes you feel any better."
Liboko flapped her wings, and before Valkyrie could think, she was running. Skulduggery called out after her, but Valkyrie leapt onto Liboko's back, flames and smoke blowing into her face.
Valkyrie rolled with no purchase, grabbing out blindly with her good hand. She heard something crack, and then they were back on the ground, Liboko screaming.
Valkyrie was sitting on one of the wings. She blinked at Skulduggery.
Skulduggery pulled out handcuffs and slapped them on to Liboko. It took some work to figure out how to get her hands behind her back with the wings, but Liboko was more than pliant.
As soon as the handcuffs were in place, the wings and horns and hooves disappeared. All that was left was Liboko, scalp one giant burn, covered in scrapes and bruises, naked.
Skulduggery was at her side as soon as Liboko was secured, examining her hand.
"She stomped on your fingers, but I can't be sure of the extent of the damage. And your head..." He reached up and touched her hair, head tilting down sympathetically. "She might have torn some of your scalp."
"I'm fine," Valkyrie said, adrenaline still keeping the pain at bay.
Skulduggery nodded happily. "Well, that was easy then, wasn't it? I hardly got hurt at all. In fact, I daresay I'm even without a scratch."
Valkyrie smiled. "Yes, well, she didn't suck out your life essence through your dick, so that's definitely a plus."
There was an awkward silence Valkyrie wasn't expecting.
"Valkyrie, I don't have a penis."
"Oh my God, I know, let's get her to the Sanctuary, oh my God."