The nurse in front of me appears to be possessed by the wrath of Satan himself, but I can't bring myself to listen.
Abby.
Short for Abigail? What's her surname? Why does she go by 417?
Talking to her always did this to me, my curiosity was never sated when we spoke, she elicited me with even more questions than I began with.
And then there's the guilt. The overwhelming sense of shame in my actions. Not only had I failed to fix the relationship between my sister and 417-Abby. But I had also snapped, blurting out my initial, hurtful judgment of her. She was right. Her medical history is none of my business, she doesn't even know me.
But I want to know her.
I know that it's rude, but I can't face my sister again and disappoint her. I know that she'll have heard everything, she was right, nothing seems to be kept a secret in this place.
I decide that I'll fix things tomorrow, when I feel stronger and more rested. My agitation is only growing the longer that I'm here, so I can only hope that I'm making the right decision and not making everything worse.
My fingers twitch at the thought and I find myself craving a cigarette, but I have quit, for Emily. I clutch the almost empty packet in my pocket and throw it into a nearby bin before I change my mind.
I'm a failure in a lot of ways, but I'm not failing this.
My feet take me on an aimless journey, I don't want to go home just yet. My dad is so tired all the time, it's depressing and the house is too quiet without my sister. No, I don't want to go there. There aren't a lot of other places to go, though. We aren't the kind of family that has a lot of money spare and every penny I earn goes straight to my sister or food or bills.
I don't have to, but my dad is struggling, it's obvious. I sigh and ponder what to do, how to fix the situation that I have just made 10 times worse. How do I always manage to do that? My teachers always did say that I had a short fuse and no filter whatsoever. It was forever getting me into trouble, I didn't think it would be a problem once I was out of school.
I sink into a bench by the river that divides the hospital from the main street. It's very pretty out here, perhaps I should bring Emily out here, once she's a little stronger and of course, not trying to kill me.
The trees with the pink and white flowers are blooming again, blossoms, I think they're called. Emily would like to see them.
Perhaps 417-Abby, would like to see them too. They look similar to the flower that she had painted on Emily's card and I vaguely wonder if they're the same. From here, I can see her window. I will try to make amends tomorrow, I decide. I can wheel her out here, then if another shouting match occurs, it'll afford her a little more privacy.
I nod to myself. Tomorrow.
_
The bravery that I had mustered up yesterday seems to have vanished by the time I wake up, because I find that I would rather have sex with a goose than visit that hospital. Geese terrify me, evil creatures that work for Satan himself.
However, despite this, I shrug on my nicest jacket and reluctantly head towards the hospital. Emily will call me a coward for sure, but I'm not so concerned about her reaction.
I go the long way, taking the back staircase instead of the lifts and walk into Emily's room before I change my mind. She looks up as if she were expecting me.
"Coward."
I roll my eyes but nod in agreement. Things will be far easier for me if I agree.
"You don't need me to tell you that you messed up in a herculean manner." She says, matter-of-factly and I sigh, nodding again.
"So, what are you going to do about it?" She says, awfully calm and I wince. I would prefer it if she were screaming.
"I really am sorry, Em. I really did go in there to make things right but I just lost my head for a second and..." I rest my head in my hands, not needing to continue. I'm sure she knows the details.
I feel her hand on my back and she exhales gently.
"Ben, everyone loses it occasionally. You're under a lot of stress, dad's not being a supportive parent and you're trying your best to shoulder some of the responsibility. I know you're trying to keep it from me to stop me from worrying but honestly, I'm not an idiot."
I look up and wonder why I ever try to hide anything from her.
"You think you know everything, huh?" I ask playfully, trying to lift the mood. She plays along and smirks triumphantly.
"Then I guess you don't want these jellybeans that you know I brought you." I say, drawing the tube from my pocket. Her eyes widen slightly.
"Gimme." She mutters and I laugh, throwing them to her. She snatches them out of the air and pops the lid enthusiastically.
"So, you're forgiven by the way, how are you going to apologise to 417?" She asks stuffing four beans into her mouth, each one a different colour. I wrinkle my nose slightly in disgust and debate whether I should correct her, but decide that I quite like being privy to Abby's secret name.
"I've got it covered, just have to go do it." I mutter and Emily looks pleased. After a few moments of nothing but the sound of Emily chewing she stops and looks at me pointedly.
"What?"
"Well, what are you waiting for? Old age? Go!" She says, pushing me as hard as she can. I pretend to stumble and glare playfully at her, but go nevertheless.
I rub my palms on my jeans and slowly shuffle towards her door. Her blinds are closed, so I have no way of knowing if she's in there.
I knock once and wait. A moment of silence follows before being interrupted by a muffled voice. I assume she says come in, that's the usual response, yes?
I crack the door open and poke my head round. She's situated in her wheelchair, book in hand and big frames covering her eyes. I didn't know she wore glasses. Her face drops suddenly and she looks less than keen to see me, which is understandable, but still makes my chest ache a little.
"Oh, it's you." Ouch, I suppose I deserve that.
"Yeah, me. Can I take you somewhere?" I blurt out and she looks very odd. Confused and unsure.
"Where?"
"It's close-by." I'm trying to be evasive and it seems to work.
After a moment of hesitation she huffs a sigh and tucks her book into the little side pocket of her chair, which is pretty neat. I note that she also has a water bottle, blanket, stickers and a rogue sherbet stick tucked in there.
She wheels over and yanks a large woollen jumper over her head. It's light blue and it looks very good on her. I tell her so and she thanks me, looking away awkwardly. Her cheeks are slightly pinker than before and I smile inwardly.
I sigh and take the handles so that she doesn't have to wheel it herself. She settles back in the chair and appears quite glad to let me push her, not that it's a challenge. The chair barely weighs a thing and my brow creases with concern.
I guide the chair to the lifts and press the ground floor button quickly.
Neither of us says anything, I'm not even sure what I will say.
I push her out and quickly head towards the doors. Abby's head swivels round, her eyes large and panicked.
"Where are we going?"
"Not very far, don't worry, we're still in hospital limits, technically." I am attempting to reassure her but I don't think it's working. She surprises me however, with a laugh.
"Technicalities. My favourite."
"Care to explain?"
"It's how I get away with everything I do, well everything that's 'technically' against the rules." She says, finger quoting the word technically.
"It is a miracle you haven't been kicked out yet." I say thoughtfully and she agrees merrily.
I nudge her chair into place beside the bench and I kick down the brake before settling myself next to her. She looks out at the trees in blossom for a very long time, before turning to look at me.
"Why'd you bring me here?"
I sigh and interlock my fingers, forming my answer in my head.
"Well, firstly I'd like to apologise for what I said yesterday. I have a short temper and I didn't mean it."
"Yes, you did." She interrupts. She doesn't say it maliciously, she says it plainly, like stating a fact.
"I didn't. That was my initial judgement of you, true, but obviously, my initial judgement was wrong and I did not mean what I said." I say firmly. She watches me for a moment before nodding slowly.
"Secondly, I thought that you'd like this discussion to take place in a more private location." I pause, before hesitantly continuing.
"Emily says that you don't get a lot of privacy in there. I hadn't ever really thought about it, but the more I do, the more I understand. And thirdly, when I was sat here yesterday cursing my colossal mouth and my lack of self-control, I thought that you'd appreciate the view." I say carefully, not daring to glance at her.
"Why?" She asks quietly and I sneak a peek. She's gazing at the trees with a small smile.
"You drew something similar on Emily's card, I thought you might like to see them in person."
She doesn't say anything else and I lean back, rubbing my hands against the place on my knees where my elbows had just rested. I have very pointy elbows, I note.
I wonder what she's thinking and whether my apology has been sufficient to warrant forgiveness. I thought it was quite good, as my apologies go. I've made enough of them in my lifetime that I should be a professional.
I notice her shiver out of the corner of my eye and I haul the blanket out of her side pocket and throw it over her legs. She watches me carefully and when I'm satisfied that she's been tucked in, I fall back into my place on the bench.
I don't know what she's thinking, or if I'm forgiven, but until she says she wants to go back inside, here is where I'll stay.