NOW
"We need to talk, it seems," Jack grabbed my hand and squeezed it just as I was about to take my weekend bag upstairs to unpack.
My heart sank but I did my best to play innocent. "Hmm?"
"Chrissy, I've been sneezing since I picked you up. You smell like a damn dog."
"Oh, Jack, I'm so sorry, I forgot you're allergic. I'll wash all my clothes immediately and shower."
Jack's eyes narrowed and he didn't let go of my hand, instead he stepped up to where I was. "And why do you smell like a dog?"
I felt like he was challenging me, pushing me to crack and spill the truth.
"Trish had a wedding yesterday, so I went on a bike ride around town and checked out a bunch of different places, one of them being the animal shelter."
"Why?"
I shrugged. "I don't know, I was thinking I could volunteer to help out since I just sit around at home all day."
"Well you can't."
"Yeah, I guess you're right. Wouldn't work out."
Jack watched my eyes and I smiled, waiting for him to release me. He leaned forward and kissed me. "Go shower."
I nodded and continued up the stairs, tugging my bag with me. He didn't follow. Instead he stepped out on the back deck, turning the light on since the sun had set hours ago. I caught him pulling his phone out of his pocket as he closed the sliding glass door behind him.
In the shower alone, I felt like I could finally breathe. How did I do this before? How did I lie to Jack's face and keep Tom a secret? I felt sick, but only just a little. I ran my fingers over my lips where Tom's had been a few hours ago.
Tom had lifted me to the counter and I had wrapped my legs around his waist and it felt so normal, so natural.
After I showered, I dried off and combed out my hair before removing my contacts. I slipped my glasses onto my nose and quickly dressed, wondering where Jack was. I went to the window and looked into the back yard. Down below on the back deck, Jack was sitting on the steps with his head on his knees, his arms hugging his head in frustration. My heart would not stop pounding. There was no way I could do this, I had to either tell Jack or end it with Tom, whatever it was.
Jack rose and I stepped away from the window quickly before he saw me. The light on the back deck went off and I heard the door downstairs slam closed.
Who the hell had he been talking to?
I opened my suitcase and dumped all the clothes into the hamper in the closet and tucked the luggage away. Jack came into the room and undressed, tossing his clothes into the closet, but missing the hamper completely. I bent down and picked everything up, shoving each item into the hamper.
"Leave any hot water for me?" He yawned. "I'm beat. Gonna shower and then crash."
"Yeah, I wasn't in there long," I answered, but the door to the bathroom was closed before I finished my sentence.
I climbed into the bed and grabbed the remote control. I wasn't tired, not with images of Tom floating around in my mind. Kissing him had been a hefty dose of medicine. The way his stubble felt along my jaw triggered so many memories, just the way he felt against me. I had to push him away, not wanting my face to get too red before returning home with Jack.
I glanced over to the bathroom door and listened. The shower had been turned on. My eyes landed on Jack's phone on the bedside table.
As quickly as I could, I threw the sheets back and scrambled toward it. Before grabbing it, I listened for Jack. He was still in the shower, I could hear the splashing.
I held the phone in front of me, my hand shaking so hard I was sure I'd drop it if I didn't focus. I unlocked his phone and checked his recent calls. The last call was not saved in his contacts so there was no name to go with the number. I chewed on my lip, unsatisfied, feeling guiltier than I probably have ever felt before. I read the number over and over. Scrolling down his list of previous calls, it was a frequent number. For someone he talked to often, why wouldn't he save the number into his contacts?
Closing out of his phone, I locked it and placed it back exactly how I found it and returned to my side of the bed. I stared blankly ahead, the number replaying over and over in my mind.
Listening again for Jack, I grabbed my own phone and unplugged it from the charger and pulled up my contacts. I only had five numbers; Jack's cell and work, Trish, Grace, and Tom. I checked each contact, hoping to match phone numbers. It wasn't Jack, obviously, or his work number. Definitely not Tom's... not Trish's either.
It was Grace's.
Why? Why the hell was he talking to my best friend?
I heard the shower turn off and I fumbled, hooking my phone back up to the charger, and taking my glasses off. I sunk down into the bed and turned the television off before turning the lamp on my bedside table off.
Jack opened the door and marched around the room getting dressed. I closed my eyes and pretended to sleep.
As much as I didn't want to think of it, I knew there had to be something going on between Jack and Grace.
Jack snuggled in behind me and I held my breath. "I can't wait for next weekend," he murmured quietly into my ear. "I've missed you so much this weekend."
I didn't move, I stayed still pretending to sleep, but I couldn't stop the tears that slipped out and rolled down.
•••
Tom: I need to see you and soon.
I mentally pat myself on the back for setting up a passcode on my phone after exchanging numbers with Tom.
I waited all morning for Jack to leave before replying, but even then, I just sat and stared at my phone. Was this a path I wanted to be on? It hardly seemed fair to Jack, even if he was secretly seeing Grace as well. And what if he wasn't seeing Grace? What if that was just a lousy assumption because of my guilt? But then why wouldn't he add her name to his contacts? No matter how I tried to spin it, all signs pointed to an affair.
Jack had made reservations for a bed and breakfast in Lake Geneva for Saturday morning. If he was unhappy with me, why would he take me away for the weekend to reconnect? Unless he planned to come clean then.
I groaned and tucked my phone away for now. I didn't know what to do with Tom. I wanted to see him again, badly. But the guilt was too strong. I needed to figure this out first; I needed to decide which direction to go and commit to it instead of playing games. Jack deserved that, Tom deserved that, and I deserved that.
After doing some chores around the house, including the laundry to get rid of the dog hair, I had the urge to call up Grace. I didn't even know what to say, but I figured it would come to me.
The phone rang and rang and I didn't feel right leaving a voicemail. I felt a little frustrated and relieved at the same time.
I texted Tom back: Hi, not ignoring you, just need some time.
Almost immediately, he replied.
Tom: I understand. Can you come over soon?
Me: I'll call you later.
Tom didn't make it easy to keep my focus on Jack. I wanted to forget about everything and just climb into bed with Tom. But that damn guilt, tugging at my heart... it made me feel sick.
Did I love Jack? Clearly, I must have at some point. Did Jack love me? I thought he did. With my accident, he had the perfect opportunity to say goodbye to me, to leave our past behind, but he didn't.
I did my best to keep busy until Jack arrived home for a lunch break. I psyched myself up enough to bring up Grace and I hoped I wouldn't chicken out at the last minute.
Jack came into the house quietly as I was scrubbing the pan I'd used to make scrambled eggs for breakfast. I almost didn't hear him. He wrapped his arms around my waist from behind and hugged himself to my back, kissing my neck.
"I'm taking a longer lunch break today," he whispered. "Let's fool around."
I turned the sink off and turned around in his arms before gently removing them. "I think we should talk instead," I suggested.
Jack stood up straight, looking confused. "What about?"
There was simply no easy way to begin, but I got straight to the point.
"I've been curious about who you have been talking to on the phone, and last night I looked."
"You went through my phone?" He cocked a brow at me, as if he was impressed.
"The number matches the one I have in my phone for Grace, Jack."
A slow smirk spread across his face and he crossed his arms. "Are you mad?"
What kind of question was that?
"I'm really hurt. Why are you keeping this from me? I'm going over every option in my mind but it all comes back to you seeing Grace behind my back! Jack, please tell me I'm being crazy."
His expression softened and he stepped toward me, but I put up a hand.
"Tell me what's going on. Please."
Jack exhaled sharply and crossed his arms. "Before your accident, I had been seeing Grace."
The admission socked me in the gut harder than I had expected it to. I swallowed hard and waited for him to continue.
"You knew about it but you didn't know it was Grace. I broke it off with her, I promise. You and I have been working on fixing our marriage and then your accident happened, and, I don't know, I guess Grace felt like she could sink her teeth back into me, Chrissy. She is relentless and keeps calling. I answer but only to tell her to leave me alone, to leave us alone."
I leaned back against the sink and looked down at my feet.
"Sweetheart, after your accident, I went crazy. I thought I'd lost you for good and I was ready to kill myself. I would never do anything to fuck this up again, you have to believe me. I love you so fucking much," his voice cracked and even though I kept pulling away from him, he grabbed my arms and held me before him.
A sob formed in the back of my throat. Jack took my chin and tilted it up toward him.
"I am not cheating on you. I love you so much."
"I don't know what to believe." I sniffled, overwhelmed.
"Believe me, Chrissy. Your husband! I haven't seen Grace in months!"
"What about our anniversary party, Jack?? She was there! You invited her!" I pushed his hands away from me and left the kitchen. Jack quickly followed.
"That was the only exception! I had to keep up appearances! No one else knew about us, but everyone knew she was your best friend. How would it have looked if she didn't show up?!"
"Stop talking... just stop..." I felt dizzy. I sat down on the edge of the couch in the living room and placed my head in my hands, closing my eyes.
Jack's dress shirt with lipstick smeared on the collar... Suddenly I remembered fighting with Jack over that. I remembered holding the shirt out in front of me. I remembered Jack suggesting it must have been ink.
I felt Jack sit next to me and it angered me even more. "Chrissy, don't hate me, please. I love you. Let me fix this, please," he begged, taking my hand in is, pulling it into his lap.
I needed to get away from him. Every emotion was rolling through me and I couldn't make sense of them. But I had nowhere to go. I couldn't stay with Grace, for obvious reasons. Trish and Rob's was a no-go; signs of both Jack and Tom would be everywhere. I needed a breather, a place where neither of them existed.
I sat up straight and turned to Jack. "This coming weekend, the reservations you made? I'm going alone. Don't you dare object." I stared straight at him, challenging him to test me.
His jaw clenched and he shook his head. "Chrissy, I think now more than ever, we need to be together."
I groaned in frustration. "I don't care! I'm so sick of being pulled back and forth between memories and what I'm told! What I need, Jack, is to be alone. Alone! No one telling me who I am, what I like, what to do... Alone!"
Jack shook his head again. "Fine. Go off by yourself. If that's what it takes, do it. Have a weekend to yourself, and remember that I'm your husband and that I would do anything for you." He stood and stalked his way upstairs, locking himself into his study.