Authors Note: There are so many canon and non canon stories of Steve Rogers childhood and his parents out there. This is the one in my universe. I know it is old history but I just wanted to include a bit more about Steve and then I promise we will be back to Bucky.
Steven Rogers AKA Captain America
1918 Onwards
Joseph and Sarah Rogers loved children but had never planned to have any of their own. Joseph had been seriously injured in a mustard gas attack during the First World War and had been warned that he would probably not live to see old age. As a couple, they felt the circumstances would not be fair on any child.
However, not everything went to plan and Sarah fell pregnant. They were both overjoyed because although the child was unplanned, it would not be unwanted. It would be loved and cherished.
The baby was delivered on Independence Day – the fourth of July, 1918; a boy and they decided to name him Steven Grant Rogers. It was both a joyous and a sad day because it was obvious from the start that the child was sickly. Doctors warned them to have him baptised as soon as possible as they felt he would not last the week. In a quiet ceremony within the hospital the baptism took place.
A week later, Sarah and the child were sent home. The baby was struggling to live, but it became clear that this child would be a fighter. Sarah was a nurse, which was a godsend in the early days. The doctors marvelled when Steve reached his first birthday.
But then there was devastating news for the Rogers family. Joseph's health had taken a serious downward turn, and before Steven Rogers had turned two, Joseph had died. What fate gives with one hand it takes away with the other.
Sarah was distraught. She had become the main breadwinner and mother to a child whose health had to be so carefully monitored, and she had no relatives who could help. However, help was at hand. In the tenement where they lived the neighbours were kind. They pulled together because both Sarah and Joseph had been one of those couples who were always there when you needed a friend; the neighbours would tell Sarah they were just repaying that kindness.
Whilst Steve was a sickly child he was also a quiet, contented child and had the most wonderful shy smile. Blond, blue eyed like both his parents, he was also inquisitive. Even at an early age he held a view of the world that few people see. He saw beauty in it. He rarely complained, even when he was in pain. By the age of ten the list of illnesses he had suffered was well into double figures.
Whilst he was enrolled and attended school there were many times he would miss classes because of these illnesses. So many of his conditions could be triggered by so much or even so little: the seasons, foods, excitement, distress, being around smokers (which thankfully Sarah was not), stress, pollution, exercise and for him one of the worst possible – pets because Steven Rogers would have loved to have had a dog and Sarah would have loved for him to have one as a companion, but it was just too dangerous. A simple walk in the park at the wrong time of the year could put him in bed for weeks. Cleaning the house, beating the carpets, pet hair. Getting wet on a rain day. A day at school when a cold was being spread around. A busy street. Even playing with other children. So much he could not do, so much he railed against and tried to do anyway. How many times had she had to tell him off for trying to be a normal child? Too many. She had lost count.
One place he was relatively safe in was the local library. He loved to go into the old building and look at all the books. If he wasn't looking for something fictional to read, then he could be found in the arts section because he had a love for drawing and painting. He was always scribbling on bits of paper because he could not afford a sketch pad. His drawings were beautiful; he has an eye for perspective and could capture something, anything, on the paper. Sketching he finds, calms him; he can disappear to another world and sometimes his mind is desperate to escape the confines of his own frail body.
We have said Steve was a happy child and most of the time that was true. That is how others saw him. Steve cannot lie but he can pretend. His mother had no idea of how worried he was about her. He would look at her as if through adult eyes and see that she looked tired, careworn. He knew she was hiding from him how much she worried about him, about finding the money for the next week's meals, about living. Although she worked as many hours as she could she always tried to find time to spend with him, time to read with him, help him with homework and try and fill in some blanks of his education. As a nurse she knew how important healthy food was and she included as many vegetables, fruit and fish as she could in his diet. Even when it meant missing out on things for herself.
When he was ten he was old enough to be able to stay home on his own; although, truth be known, there were times from the age of seven that Sarah had no choice but to leave him for short periods. He wanted to try and help so he went out and approached a local newspaper vendor and asked about a newspaper round. The proprietor looked at him and laughed. "You couldn't lift one newspaper, yet alone twenty!"
Steve had picked up a pile of newspapers and held them up as high as he could: "I could do this all day," he tried to boast, but his body let him down and the man had to be quick to save him from breaking both of his wrists.
He had gone home and wept. No one knew. Steven Rogers suffered from an illness that he had let no one see including his mother, for it was a condition some doctors didn't even acknowledge back then: depression. Steve Rogers knew his mother loved him, but he felt alone. He had no one but her, and the loneliness would eat at him day and night. There were times when he felt there was nothing to live for and he would curse himself, tell himself to stop being so stupid, so self-centred, so selfish. But the feeling did not go away.
"I have to accept this," he would tell himself, "I'm not the type to have friends. Who needs them anyway?"
School was a particularly daunting place for him. He was bright, but tired easily. The other children could be cruel and he found he was often getting into fights. He would try and hide the cuts and bruises from his mother but she still saw them.
"Steven Grant Rogers, what am I going to do with you?!" she would exclaim. But it was something she understood; when life knocks you down you get back up and hit it right back.
And then something happened in Steven's life when he was thirteen that his mother always thanked god for. It had been a school day, one that he had been able to attend. She was busy getting ready for her shift when he came home and she had seen the blood on his shirt and the cut lip. She'd fussed, made him change, asked what the fight was about. She got few answers, but then Steve asked her something he never had before:
"Can I bring a friend home for dinner tomorrow?"
Her smile was so genuine, so pleased for him, that he felt himself actually blush.
"And does this friend have a name?" she asked.
Steve had cleared his throat. "Ah, um, Bucky....Bucky Barnes." It wasn't a name she recognised. Misreading his mother's reaction he thought she was going to refuse and hurried to fill in the silence. "He goes to my school, his name's actually James but they call him Bucky...I'm not sure why though...we can share a plate of food. I'm sure he won't mind."
And there was such hope in Steve's eyes that she found herself tearing up and ducked her head, picked up a jumper and started folding it. "Yes, of course you can bring him home. It won't be anything exciting to eat but..."and then she looked at him and smiled. She wanted to ask so much more but she knew over time she would find out; she did not want him to see how unusual it was for him to have a friend. She didn't realise that he already knew.
And so the next day, Sarah Rogers met James 'Bucky' Barnes. She was startled by the tall, dark haired boy so unlike her Stevie, but straight away she could see something between them – a bond. Sarah believed in destiny, she believed that people have met before in other lives (although she had learnt to keep her modern ideas to herself). There was just something about Steve and James. They fit together somehow.
Bucky had shaken her hand and thanked her for the invitation. He had eaten what she gave him and said please and thank you in all the right places. She could see that he was nervous, that he wanted to make a good impression. After they had eaten, he had broached the subject with her of taking Steve to Goldie's Gym and he had seen her immediate worry. And he had smiled that smile of his, which even at his early age made you feel safe. Steve had sat there wide-eyed, praying his mother would say yes and she could see that in his eyes.
"I just wanna teach him how to defend himself. It wouldn't be too much stress. I'd watch out and make sure he didn't overdo it," Bucky had gestured to Steve. "Might stop him coming home black and blue."
"How much are the fees?" she had asked, but Bucky was shaking his head.
"Wouldn't cost a dime. I clean for Goldie, you know tidy up after the patrons, get the equipment out, put it away again. We'd go after school and maybe the weekend, just me and him."
Somehow in that moment, Sarah had known that whilst Bucky was in Steve's life there would be someone else other than herself who would look out for him.
And somehow Steve had already realised that whilst this young man was in his life, he would never be alone again.
Bucky returned the invitation and took Steve home to meet his own parents. He became a regular visitor in the Barnes household. In fact, visitor was an incorrect name for what Steve became to them because to George and Winifred Barnes he grew to be like an adopted son. For a while they had been worried about Bucky; he sometimes kept bad company and he could have so easily gone off the rails. Then he had met Steve and the influence Steve had on Bucky seemed to steer him on the right course. At a later date they would begin to realise just how much Steve meant to Bucky, and vice versa but for now, they were just like brothers and the Barnes' found him easy to like, easy to be with.
Steve discovered that Bucky did have just one annoying habit. Blind dates.
As Bucky grew older, the girls grew to like him more and more. There were times Bucky would arrange for them to meet up with a couple of girls. Each time Steve would see disappointment in the girl's eyes when she looked at him. What Steve and Bucky did not realise was it was because of the type of girl Bucky would choose for the dates. They would be good time girls, girls who wanted to dance and party, shallow. Looks meant everything to them. Bucky never really saw the other girls – the ones who were shy, the ones who would be interested in both him and Steve, the ones who didn't get asked to the dances. He could never understand why he never got it right, and at first he couldn't even figure out how he himself was never happy with any one of them. He just didn't realise he had something in common with the shy girls – a longing for Steve. It took him a long time to realise, and when he did he tried to shut it out. It frightened him. He didn't want to lose Steve over his own stupidity so he pushed the longing down and hid it far away.
As their school days started coming to a close they already had part time jobs down at the dockyards, unloading the ships. Steve would do the paperwork and Bucky the physical work (although that didn't stop Steve from trying to help from time to time). They talked for hours on what they planned to do with their lives, with their futures. Bucky could draw, not to the same degree as Steve but he loved to draw buildings, bridges, coming up with designs for them. They had both applied for places at Aubrndale Art college on scholarships and both were accepted. Steve in Fine Arts and Bucky in Technical Drawing.
Then tragedy hit Steve's life again.
Sarah Rogers was a nurse in a tuberculosis ward, and she contracted TB. It overran her immune system. She tried to fight it but her health just could not cope and tragically she died. Just before she passed she made Bucky promise to look after Steve. It was not a difficult promise for him to make.
"Hey, don't talk like that. You'll be as right as rain soon," Bucky had said to her, holding her hand. Steve was in the kitchen fetching fresh water for her to drink.
"You and I both know that's not true...promise me, James," her hand had tried to squeeze his as if never to let him go.
"Of course I will, you have no need to worry," he had said. He could hear the death rattle in her chest.
She had died the next morning.
But Steve did everything he could to push Bucky away. He didn't attend college, he hid himself away and even at the funeral had hidden from Sarah's friends, from the Barnes family, from Bucky.
"What do I do, ma? Every time I try and help him he pushes me away. I don't know what to do," a frustrated, frightened James had said to his mother.
She had looked at her son, patted his cheek, and smiled. "You go and tell him he's not alone," she had said. "He needs you and doesn't know how to tell you that. You push back."
Bucky had caught up with Steve outside the tenement. They walked up the steps together to what had been Steve and his mother's apartment.
"We looked for you after. My folks wanted to give you a ride from the cemetery," Bucky said.
"I know, I'm sorry. I just...kind of wanted to be alone." Steve did not turn and look at his friend because he knows if he did he would cling to him and never let go.
"How was it?"
"It was okay. She's next to Dad."
"I was gonna ask..."
"I know what you're gonna say, Buck, I just..."
But Buck doesn't let him finish."We can put the couch cushion on the floor like when we were kids. It'll be fun. All you gotta do is shine my shoes, maybe take out the trash," he tries to fall back on humour, wanting to see Steve at least try to smile.
Instead Steve ignores him, searches his pockets for his keys. And as he has done a million times, Bucky kicks a brick aside, picks up the spare keys from under it and gives them to Steve.
"Come on Steve." Bucky's eyes show he is hurt, how can he put this right? How can he make Steve understand?
"Thank you, Buck, but I can get by on my own."
Bucky looks at Steve but Steve cannot return that look. Bucky closes his eyes, shakes his head and then opens them, leans forward slightly. His is totally focused on Steve.
"The thing is, you don't have to." Bucky places his hand on Steve's shoulder." I'm with you till the end of the line, pal."
And finally Steve is looking up at him, those blue eyes tearing up and Bucky pulls him forward into a bear hug, kisses the top of his head and Steve begins to cry. Bucky takes the keys out of his hand and unlocks the door and still holding onto Steve he gets them inside the flat. He throws the keys on the table and holds Steve whilst he weeps.
"You can't get rid of me that easy. I'm here buddy, I always will be," he promises.
*
After Sarah's death things settle into a routine but Steve is finding more and more his thoughts are on Bucky. More and more though Bucky seems to be throwing them both at other relationships, relationships with the fairer sex. He tries to tell Bucky not to but it is like water off a ducks back. Meanwhile he finds himself thinking of things he should not, thinking of how Bucky would taste if he kissed him, how it would feel to run his fingers over Bucky's naked body. He even finds himself drawing him, sketches he has to hide in case Bucky saw them and was disgusted.
Steve realises he has to be honest. He cannot live with the lie any more - but it is a few months more before he is brave enough to tell Bucky that he is in love with him. It is a rainy day, and they are trapped in the apartment together. They have just got in and Steve is soaked, Bucky is clucking around him like a mother hen, or so Steve thinks until he sees a look on Bucky's face, one that makes his own heart race.
Is Bucky interested in me? Steve wonders, not for the first time. Can he possibly feel the same way I do?
Steven Rogers finally walks that line, finally tells James Barnes how he feels about him. It was a turning point in their lives and Bucky had almost walked away but Steve would not let him. It was his turn to be there for Bucky. When they realised they both felt the same way their bond had deepened even further. Steve finally found out what Bucky tasted like when he kissed him, what his body felt like when they touched, and when he tried to apologise for his own frail body, Bucky was incensed. Steve was what Bucky wanted, every part of him and he told him that, made him realise he was a person who could be loved and cherished.
And then the war had struck.
Bucky joined the 107th and was sent away. Steve tried so many times to join up, lied on forms as to who he was, where he was from, but the answer was always the same red F4 on his application. Too many illnesses. One doctor told him it was for his own good. Another told him it was for the other soldiers own good, "What protection do you think you could extend to the soldier standing next to you?" he had said sharply, even cruelly. Steve could not know that the doctor had just lost his son on a battleground thousands of miles away from home.
Strangely enough his break had come the day Bucky shipped out. He had met Abraham Erskine and the man had stamped his application form in the positive, a black 1A. He wasn't a hundred percent sure what he had let himself in for but knew it was to do with the Science Research Division and that is where he met Peggy Carter. Beautiful Peggy.
He had only been able to exchange a few letters with Bucky, and neither could tell the other one where they were. Steve believed Bucky was in England, Bucky believed Steve was helping out in some army tent with the cooking – but it was cooking of an entirely different type.
Both Abraham and Peggy had watched over Steve in their own ways, and he had come through for them. Steve did not, could not, however forget Bucky, but he was distracted by all that came next. Abraham was murdered just as the SR were successful in their final experiment. Steve's life changed, and so did his body. He was no longer plagued by illnesses, he towered over people, his body was firm, muscular and he had a strength that astounded him. Getting used to the new Steve was daunting and he could not help but wonder. How will Bucky react? Will he still love me? How do I tell him?
He became a new person. They even gave him a new persona - Captain America. And the government and the people loved him; could not get enough of him. They had designed a costume for him to wear, and a mask. At last he thought I can do something worthwhile.
And what did they do with him? With this super soldier?
They used him as a propaganda tool. Instead of fighting the enemy as he wanted to, he was been sent on tour with a group of dancing girls to sell War Bonds. This is not what he wanted. He wanted to fight, he wanted to make a difference. Wasn't that what this was all about?
And now instead of wanting to tell Bucky all that had happened, he found he was frightened he would find out and be horrified. Instead of fighting for his country, he was dancing, and somehow Steve could not work out how it had all gone so wrong. Other men were laying down their lives. And what was he doing? Wearing tights! Knocking out Hitler every night, kissing babies. Peggy could see the frustration Steve was feeling and she tried to keep him positive, tried to keep him believing in himself, but it was getting harder and harder and she knew exactly how he felt. But even though they both riled against it the government knew what they wanted Steve – Captain America - to do.
Politicians. Don't you just love 'em.
*
Another show on another army base, god knows where because he had given up keeping track of where they send him. The soldiers were hostile. Peggy, who had accompanied him, tried to explain that it wasn't him that the soldiers were angry at. She explained that the audience had contained what remained of the 107th, they had taken heavy losses and many of their number had been taken prisoner. She had no way of knowing what that division number meant to Steve. She watched him pale, watched as he asked her to repeat what she had just said and then he was running. That number had resonated through his body, through his mind and all he could think of was Bucky.
Colonel Chester Phillips could not confirm that James Barnes was one of those missing but he was able to say the name Barnes sounded familiar as one of those he had had to write a condolence letter for. That was enough for Steve. Fuck this, fuck the government, fuck the politicians. He was Captain America, he had knocked Hitler out over a hundred times. He was a super soldier and he was going to fight for his country whether they liked it or not. With both Peggy's help and a man called Howard Stark he was able to do what he needed to, and that was take up the fight for his friends and country.
The next few days were fraught but he never faltered once. Sergeant James Barnes and the others had been captured by the Nazis and turned over to their Hydra scientific branch whom they were to work as slave labour for. It wasn't the first time that Steve had heard the name Hydra. They were the ones responsible for Abraham Erskine's death. Steve had gone in behind enemy lines alone, he had tracked down where Bucky was being held only to find he was being used in similar experimentation as Steve had undergone. But as he was to find out later, it wasn't as successful.
He had freed the other prisoners, got them fighting, then gone into the lab area to find Bucky. He cannot forget that moment, the relief of seeing he was alive but he had not realised at first; had not seen the mental damage done. It would be a while before he realised, before Bucky trusted him enough to show it.
Steve had gotten him back. Brought him home. But then Steve began to see what he had missed until then. Bucky was a different person than the one who had gone to war. More serious, prone to depression. In physical and mental pain that the others were not allowed to see; but their fellow soldiers saw more than they realised. It took Bucky time to realise that Steve had also changed. Oh, he saw the physical change immediately, who didn't - but the mental one? Steve was more confident, more self-assured, people listened to him, people would follow him as their leader. What did Steve need him for now? Yet he still had that reckless side of him, the one that would get him into fights.
Steve had worried about Bucky not loving him, but in fact their positions were reversed. He found he had to keep telling Bucky that he still loved him, still wanted him and he could see that Bucky did not believe him, there was more to this than met the eye.
And then Steve found out. Bucky told him the truth about the experimentation. Told him about Zola and the unstable serum. Told him his fears, about how his body was altering, changing and not for the better.
But Steve Rogers, AKA Captain America, stepped up to the plate. He wasn't going to let this happen. A new fighting unit was formed by Steve with Chester's help and sanction. Steve was made an official Captain in the army. He called his unit The Howling Commandos. And they went after Hydra, determined to wipe it off the face of the earth.
Steve thought he had lost Bucky once. Thought that it would not – could not, happen again.
The mission should have had no casualties. It seemed like cruel fate, when Bucky's life was put in danger. Steve was there, inches away and should have been able to save him. Just reach out your hand a little more. A matter of those inches made all the difference.
But Bucky fell; Steve didn't save him. In his nightmares he always believed he had a chance of rescuing him again, a million times in a million dreams, but Bucky's outstretched hand was always just an inch too far away. He spent so many of his nights watching Bucky's body plummet down into the mountains. He would wake sweating, shaking, distressed.
He didn't even know where his beloved friend's body was. He could not even bring him home.
Steve was due to return to England immediately but he insisted on going to Brooklyn first. Insisted on being the one who told George and Winifred. Watched whilst the parents told Bucky's brothers, watched whilst the people close to him broke down and grieved. He told them how Bucky had lost his life in the service of his country. He didn't flinch when they asked him how. He told them. I let him fall. I didn't do enough to save him. It was my fault. He saved my life so many times but I didn't save his. And then, for the first time since Bucky had died, he had wept as George Barnes had held him close.
How could Steve live without Bucky? How could he go on? His friends watched him implode. They felt helpless. He couldn't lose himself in alcohol as it had no effect on his body. He wasn't sleeping properly and they weren't used to him being so - angry. Peggy had come to know him well, knew his anger was not with his colleagues but with himself. She watched as part of him began to darken; he learnt to hate himself, learnt to brood, and all the time he planned revenge on Hydra. He would rid the earth of this scourge, he would kill every single one of them, destroy every base. Nothing would survive, nothing would be left.
And afterwards? There was no afterwards. He could not think that far ahead. As fate would have it, he didn't have to.
*
Present Day
Steve Rogers lays on top of the bed in his own apartment. He has a window open and listens to the traffic. He needs to be alone, and this is why he has come here. Freya, Nat and Sam understand. No more has been heard of Bucky. It is as if he has vanished of the face of the earth.
"He is safe," is what they were told. How many times has Bucky felt safe in his life? How many times has he felt Steve was there and would have his back? And how many times has Steve failed to do that? The same thoughts go around and around in his mind. He knows Freya is suffering the same blinkered disbelief, but he needs to untangle his own emotions before he can be of any use to anyone.
"I failed you every time," he murmurs, and sees a misty Bucky sat on the end of the bed grinning at him.
"No, you didn't Steve, you saved me." Bucky sits there, hair now short as it had been in the early days, still the same grin but somehow older, a depth to the colour of his eyes that wasn't there before. He can only guess what Bucky went through and when he tries to imagine it his mind baulks. I can't, it says to him, it's too painful, don't make me go there.
He sits up, turns around to sit on the edge of the bed, grinds his fists into his eyes and then looks around the room.
"When we get you back..." he murmurs now watching Bucky looking out of the window.
"If..." Bucky goes to say and Steve shakes his head.
"When we get you back we are going to have our own home away from everyone." Bucky's mirage turns to look at him. "Freya...I need...." and Steve is surprised: "Buck it goes without saying, I'm talking about the three of us." Bucky nods, bites his lip and Steve feels a lump in his throat. "Steve, I don't think I'm coming back, not from this," Bucky says.
"Don't say that!" Steve's voice is harsh in the empty room. And then he is totally alone, the mirage has gone, as if broken apart by the anger in his voice. "Buck?...oh God Buck," and he slips to the floor knees up and arms around them. "I need you...I need you," and he sobs as if his heart is breaking. "Why? Why did you give him to me all those years ago just to keep taking him away?" He looks up as if expecting a reply from someone but there is no one.
Steve returns to Stark Tower. He knows there has been no news because someone would have phoned him. Tony has been away and is due back that evening. He has left a message, he wants to discuss something with Steve and Freya, has asked them to make sure they are there – where else would they be?
"I was downstairs earlier in reception picking up a package for Pepper and I could have sworn I saw James out on the street looking in," Freya says. "But by the time I got out there it wasn't him." She tries to smile but Steve knows she can't.
He holds her close whilst they sit as if their lives are frozen, neither one wanting to move away from the phone, or from one another.
"I talked to him, in my apartment. Told him that when he comes back we'll get our own place, somewhere in the country. Would you like that? Away from everyone?" Freya looks at him.
"Can we have a dog?" she asks. It is an inside joke; Bucky and Steve always talks about getting a dog, two dogs, a whole pack.
"As many dogs as you like. As many as Bucky likes," and for a moment his eyes tear up, his throat thickens.
"We'll get him back Steve," Freya says but her voice isn't as sure as it should be. She needs reassurance just as much as he does.
"I know," and he kisses her forehead.
And Steve cannot tell her, cannot tell her he feels deep down as if he is never going to see Bucky again, never hold him again. The fear is eating him from the inside out. Please God don't do this to us, please don't have given him back to us only to take him away again with no warning. He needs us. We need him. I need him, otherwise why am I here? Let me be here for him, let me watch his back, let me protect him. But most of all – please give him back. If not then then please take me, don't make me live without him again.
And Freya turns slightly so she can pull Steve closer as he begins to sob. She kisses his forehead, holds him as tight as she can, strokes his hair. And she cries with him.
Please let someone be listening, she prays.