Freya, Steve and Bucky - The Truth
Steve is serious. "I think we hurt her Buck."
"No we didn't. She would have said something." Bucky doesn't understand why Steve is so adamant; this is the third time he has said this. "You're just feeling...well..." he shrugs but Steve isn't going to let him off this lightly. He knows that expression.
"I didn't realise but she was bleeding."
Bucky groans."Steve, women have things called periods..."
"I know, I'm not that naive," but Steve blushes. "Why didn't she stay afterwards?"
"Because...because...how do we know she didn't? We were both out of it, you admitted that yourself."
Steve looks at Bucky, and he has this terrible sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach that something is not right. "Why'd you bring that wine?" he asks.
Bucky glances up frowning."I didn't...you did," he says.
Steve shakes his head. "What? You brought it with you. I don't even know where you got it from."
Bucky's head is hurting. He didn't bring the wine, he knows he didn't, so why is Steve saying he did? He had assumed Steve had gotten it to help Freya relax. Perhaps Steve is too embarrassed to admit it? Or maybe it was a gift from Tony? Anyway why does it matter who brought it along?
Steve is quiet and Bucky goes back to the magazine he is reading.
"I still think we hurt her," Steve says eventually.
"Okay, okay, fine!" Bucky jumps up. "I'll go and ask her. Will that get you off my back? " He is angry, he doesn't know why, and Steve is taken back as Bucky storms off. He considers chasing after him but doesn't - if they did hurt Freya he feels she wouldn't admit it with him there.
Bucky is back two minutes later. Throwing himself down on the sofa, he picks up his magazine. "She isn't there or she's still asleep. I knocked she didn't answer and if she was there she would have, okay? Satisfied now?" he says before going back to what he had been reading.
He won't admit it but Steve has him worried. There are parts of last night he cannot fully remember and it is starting to scare him. When he tries to think the pain starts as if something or someone is trying to stop him and then the thought is lost.
Steve looks at him for a moment, then stands and grabs his jacket. "I need some fresh air." He is ready to say no if Bucky asks if he wants company but he doesn't. Bucky just stays reading the magazine. This is their first row since Bucky came back. Steve doubts it will be their last.
Bucky doesn't see Freya until that evening and even then it is so brief that he doesn't get the chance to ask her if she is all right. She has just come back from going out. He can't help but wonder where she went but he doesn't ask. Instead he asks her if she has a few minutes but she doesn't even look at him.
"No, I'm really tired Buck. I'm going to bed...g'night," and before he has a chance to say anything else she has gone into her room and he hears her lock the door. He lifts his hand to knock but then hesitates. She did look tired, with black shadows under her eyes. Best to let her rest.
On the way back to his room he realises she called him Buck and he can't help but smile. "She called me Buck," he murmurs to himself and then he gets a funny feeling in his chest. He isn't sure if he likes it; she always calls him James, it creates a bond between them. He runs his hand through his hair. Maybe an early night will do him good. A shower first and then sleep. Sounds like a plan.
The next morning Steve asks him how Freya is. He shrugs, says he hasn't seen her to talk to. Steve reminds him of his promise and so he makes his way to her room and knocks on the door. She calls from the other side.
"Who is it?"
"Me. Um Bucky."
"I'm just getting in the shower. What do you want?" she is curt, short with him. He has never heard that in her voice before.
"Um...just wanted to talk."
"It'll have to wait."
"Um...okay" he listens but hears nothing further and assumes she has gone off to shower. Slowly, he makes his way to the communal area to get some breakfast. The longer he leaves this the more difficult it is going to be for him to ask her.
It is the afternoon before he sees her again and as luck would have it they are alone. She has come to grab some reading books she left on the table and he is there.
"Hey! Hi!" he jumps up when she appears and she just smiles weakly at him, gathers her books and goes to leave. "Um Freya?"
You turn to see him standing there barefoot. His hair has fallen over his forehead and you want to brush it back. His arms are folded, his hands in his armpits, looking so innocent, so like James that your heart lurches. Why? Why does he have such a hold over you? You don't want to talk to him.
"Can we talk?" he asks. You say nothing, just stare at him. "Do you want to sit down?" he indicates the sofas, but you just shake your head.
"What is it? I'm busy," you say. He doesn't know how much it is costing you to just stand there and not move to be by his side.
He walks closer to you and for the first time ever you see he is unsure of himself, unsure of you. He looks into your eyes and you try to radiate confidence. You hate it when he studies you because you don't know what he is thinking.
He ducks his head. "Um....do you..do you still have periods even though um, they ah..." he coughs "they..."
"Sterilised me?" you finish for him.
"Yes."
You are a startled by the question. "No," you say and he looks back up at you frowning. "No. I don't have periods, why?"
"You bled...I mean, there was blood...Steve thinks...we both wondered.....why did you bleed? Did we hurt you?"
You look into those eyes. Those beautiful eyes that you could lose yourself in...but the anger you feel is still there, boiling beneath the surface. "Do you mean physically or mentally?" you ask bluntly.
He blinks. "Either?" he says.
"Both," you say and turn to walk away but he grabs your arm.
"Why didn't you say something?" he asks and there is a slight impatience in his tone.
You look at his hand on your arm and then at him, he takes it away. "I did." And now you turn and walk away. Your anger is simmering, ready to boil over.
He stands there for a moment and then chases after you. "Hang on, wait a minute...no you didn't," his voice is loud and he reaches for your arm again, swinging you around. "When, when did you say?" it's like a challenge.
"Oh I don't know Buck, I think it was when you and Steve were tearing me apart and I asked you to stop..."
"No you didn't..."
"...and you told me it was all right, everything was all right," now there are tears in your eyes and you are so angry that you don't want to cry - you want to hit him, stomp him into the ground. You step up close to him and look him straight in the eye. "I begged you to help me. Don't you remember what you said? Sssh, accept it, ride it out, enjoy it...you were tearing me apart, that is why I bled." You are shouting by now spittle lands on his face and he wipes it away.
He has never seen you so angry.
Then a flashback hits him. Your voice, your eyes full of tears, your voice imploring him "...please help me," your voice rings in his ears and he staggers back a few paces. Then it is over.
You know the signs - he is having a flashback and you move to steady him. He looks disorientated and your anger cools for the moment. But instead of accepting your help, he pushes you away and it flares up again.
"You could have...you could have stopped us!" He is angry now himself, she must be lying, it can't have happened that way. "You were up for it, I asked you and you said yes, you said it would be okay."
"I thought you meant something different. I thought you meant...."
"What? What did you think I meant? Huh? Once a whore always a whore! Come on you kept me serviced all those years and you knew! You know every trick in the book." His voice is cruel, mean.
You slap him hard, your eyes blazing, and then you throw the books you are holding at him, hard, so they hurt. "You bastard, you utter bastard. I never, never slept with anyone else. I only ever slept with you..." and at this point you poke him in the chest "...you taught me everything I know, you made me do what you wanted, you made me feel like a whore, you hurt me, you tore me apart..." and now you are crying and shouting:
"...and it was the Winter Soldier who fucked me the other night...and you let him hurt me again, you!...And tell me Bucky, what do you think it will do to your precious Steve if he ever finds out that I...that I didn't know what you had planned? That you let the Soldier trick me? Trick both of us?"
You finish, out of breath and crying, tears and snot running down your face, your eyes still aflame. You kneel to pick up your books and he kneels to help. "Fuck off." You grab a book from him and stand.
He reaches out to touch your arm.
"Don't touch me!" your voice has an edge of hysteria to it. His hand stops midair and then falls to his side. His eyes search yours, he is close to tears himself.
"Don't you realise how much I need you?" his voice is loud, selfish to your ears.
"What? Need me? Need me, oh yes of course that's what it is, you need me, you don't want to be alone. Well you have Steve back now so you don't need me any more..." and then more to yourself, "I've paid my debt to you, we're both free," and with that last sentence your anger dissolves. It's over, it has to be. He doesn't need you any more. You are back to square one again.
You expect him to let you walk away but he doesn't. He reaches out again and touches your arm, pulls you closer to him. You try to shake his hand off but he doesn't let you. You drop the books and he pulls you even closer to him and you realise he is crying.
"Don't you understand how much I love you?" he says quietly, his eyes searching yours.
He has never said that to you before. He has never used the word love.
"You've never said... never said..." and you can't speak anymore. You bow your head and sob as he pulls you to him, wraps his arms around you and cries with you.
"I love you," his words are impossible and makes you cry harder. He holds you, not wanting to ever let you go. He kisses your hair, his hands rub your back, he doesn't want to stop touching you, he is afraid if he lets you go you will disappear.
When things begin to calm he moves you away but still holds you, looks into your eyes. "I love you. I never want to lose you. You mean the same to me as Steve does, you're both like...two halves of the same person. I never want to live without either of you, I can't." He is so honest, his eyes so true.
"You've never said that before, never, not once, not in all the time we've been together," you say.
"But I've always loved you."
You shake your head. "You've said how much you needed me, how you remembered me, but you never said you...loved me."
He doesn't know what to say. He doesn't remember everything you have both been through; pieces come back every day but it could take years for him to know all of it. There are things you don't want him to remember. Some memories are still without context, part of a jigsaw puzzle he doesn't think he will ever finish.
"I get black spots," he says so quietly you nearly miss it. You go to speak but what do you say? "I thought they would go away. I thought they were part of...but...Freya I can't remember part of what happened that night...you said...you thought..." he is too scared to say it, to scared to admit what you said might be true.
You say it for him. "The Winter Soldier."
He nods.
Your anger has vanished completely but you need to tell him, you need him to understand something. "James..." he looks up at you. "I can't go on this way, not with...the Soldier hurting me. I can't do it anymore," you say
And he nods. He understands. "I wont let him." His eyes seem to harden, he seems to square his shoulders but you know he is still James, he is still Bucky. "You're right I can't let this carry on. " His touch tightens, not to hurt you but to show he means what he says. "I will sort this. I will get him under control."
You believe him but what do you do now?
Before either of you can say any more you hear Steve calling your names; he is running down the corridor towards you both, a look of such fear on his face that you both feel something awful is about to happen.
He comes up agitated, slightly out of breath, not through running but through fear you realise.
"Down in the lobby. Tony...Tony is holding them off for now...but Buck, they've come with a warrant, they've come to..." he stops, he doesn't want to say it, you see his jaw working, he doesn't want to say the words but he bows his head
"They've come to arrest you. They're going to indict!"