If Wishes Were Horses
"If wishes were horses..." Bucky murmurs and Steve finishes "...we would ride."
"Yeah," Bucky looks down at the beer in his hand and then takes another pull from the bottle again. "So, this weekend..."
Steve groans. "I thought we had already decided on that," he says.
And Bucky smiles that Bucky smile. "We did. We're going."
The young Steve groans again. How many times has this been that Bucky has arranged a blind date for him? Fifty? One hundred? Feels like more.
"Can't really call it a blind date," Bucky argues. "I'll be there too."
"Yeah, but its not you I would be dating so..." Steve says thinking, he wishes it was - at the same time Bucky is thinking the same.
"Now theres a thought," Bucky murmurs, not realising he has spoken aloud.
"What?" Steve asks.
"I didn't say nothing," Bucky is sure he blushes. Lucky for him that Steve is deaf on that side.
"Anything," Steve corrects him without thinking. "You didn't say anything."
"What?" Bucky says, and Steve looks at him and then laughs.
"We sound like a double act..."
Bucky smiles that smile again – the one that always makes Steve feel warm inside.
"Hey pal, I've got news for you. We are a double act. Always will be!"
*
The memory makes Steve smile. He cannot remember the blind date - probably another disaster and they ended up on their own - but he does remember watching Bucky drink that beer and thinking 'I wish I was that bottle.'
Memories like this sneak up on him all the time these days. Sometimes he will ask Buck if he remembers them, but other times he doesn't because those are the bad days when he can see the struggle Bucky is going through and he doesn't want to add to it.
Bucky is sat opposite him at the table and sees him smile. Steve sees the query on his face.
"Do you remember when we heard that saying for the first time? You know, If wishes..."
"...were horses, beggars would ride. Yeah," and Bucky leans back smiling. That's a blast from the past; they spent a week applying it to everything they could. A beautiful girl would walk past and Bucky would start it and Steve would end - but they always changed 'beggars' to 'we'.
"But now we know theres no such thing," Bucky says, the smile fading. Steve frowns as if he doesn't understand. "Wishes," says Bucky. "Theres no such thing."
"No...I guess not."
They are in the kitchen. They had been out for a run together before returning to grab a cool beer from the fridge. They're sat at the table, Steve watching Bucky drink and as he had done so many years ago, wished he was the bottle.
As they finish up they realise someone has walked into the room, and now cannot decide whether or not to walk out before they are noticed. It is Freya. She realises it is too late and Steve smiles and beckons her over.
"I just thought..." she starts, as he says: "We've just finished."
There is an uncomfortable silence. Bucky finishes his drink but doesn't move. He holds the bottle in his hand turning it around and around but looking at the table. He doesn't want to get up, doesn't want to walk past her, because if he does he knows he will reach out and touch her. And if he touches her he knows he will not let her go.
She hesitantly comes forward. "I thought I would just make a sandwich. Would you like one?" she asks Steve, and he shakes his head. She clears her throat and looks at Bucky. "How about you...Bucky?" The name sounds foreign on her tongue. She wants to call him James but she has not heard anyone call him that.
He looks up and straight into her eyes. He wants to say so much: they haven't talked since she came here - the odd hello, but nothing that really mattered. He has so much he wants to tell her. He has so much he wants to thank her for. He could lose himself in those large beautiful eyes and he cannot speak. Instead he just shakes his head and stands up.
"Please don't go," she says quickly and then realises what she has said and tries to cover it, "I mean, don't let me chase you away if you're..."
"You're not. We're finished." Bucky's voice is hard, so final. He looks at Steve and nods as if Steve has spoken. He puts the bottle in the recycling bin and goes to leave. Steve does the same, but pauses to touch Freya's arm.
"Are you all right?" he asks "How're you feeling today?"
Her smile is brittle. "Fine thank you." She turns away and goes and opens the fridge. Anything to get away from them.
She looks back at them as they turn their backs on her and watches them leave. She turns back and gets some cheese out of the fridge and bread out of the bread bin and makes a sandwich. She pours a glass of water and then sits down at the table, food and drink in front of her.
But she does not eat, instead, she remembers. Remembers meals times where they have sat and eaten together, just the two of them. Times when she has watched him eat, times when she has been content to just sit there quietly with him. Her own food, forgotten now, sits there on the plate untouched.
"Hey, you going to eat that?" a voice breaks the peace and she looks up, not realising where she is for a second. It is Natasha. Freya tries to smile, picks up her sandwich to eat, but then puts it back down untouched.
*
"I'm not hungry," you say. You stand picking up the plate and throw the food in the bin.
"You should eat something. You're looking too skinny," Natasha says, and you nod just to agree with her and end the conversation. But she continues. "What are you doing this afternoon?" she asks.
You shake your head. "Nothing."
"Fancy some fresh air?" and immediately she sees the fear in your face which you try to cover. "You have to go out sometime, you know."
"I know..." you say and walk away from her, but just before you go around the corner you turn back to her feeling you have been rude. "I will. Sometime. Just not now, not today." And then you leave her in peace and head back to your room.
*
"There is nothing you need want for," Pepper had said to you when you were feeling well enough to get out of bed and walk around. "Just let me know if you need anything."
She sees by your face you will ask for nothing. She has already tried to fill your wardrobe with clothes. You were dead set against it but finally gave in and you now have a selection of black tee shirts, black polo necks and jeans. Not to mention underwear, nightdresses, and a dressing gown. Trainers and even a pair of slippers.
It is not what Pepper would have bought for you, if she'd had her way.
"Why don't we just get a selection of tee shirts in different colours?" she had asked, and you thanked her and said maybe later but for now you would feel more comfortable in what you are used to.
She gave you a set of papers. "Your new identity," she says, and then adds "Well, your old one but with a different birth date so as not to confuse people. You have everything there to make you a legal citizen of the United States."
She tried to give you something called a credit card and was surprised when you said you had never seen one before. You refused it. Later that day she went out to the bank and for the first time in years withdrew actual cash which she then tried to give to you. You were horrified.
You tried to explain. She tried to tell you it wasn't charity. She didn't think there was anyone more stubborn than Tony but she feels she may have just met his match.
"What if I gave you a job?" she had asked, exasperated, and you looked at her suspiciously. She knows how much time you have been spending in their library, she can see how much you like it in there. "We're always buying in books but then just slotting them in anywhere, and it drives Jarvis up the wall! We no longer know what we've got and haven't got!" She had laughed as the disembodied voice coughed politely. "I could hire you to put it in order." And then she had smiled. You didn't know what to say without crying and she knows it.
"Thats settled then. And just for the time being I'll put your first wage in here," she had said, shovelling the money into your drawer. 'Just in case.'
*
Steve felt the concrete of the playground as he hit it hard. Why do they even call it a playground when all he seemed to do is fight in it? he wonders and then sees the three boys are standing around him, gleeful smiles on their faces. One lifts a foot to stomp down on his stomach and he curls up out of instinct.
"Hey! Pick on someone your own size!" he hears a voice growl and before he knows it the boys have gone and he is left with just one pair of feet to look at. He uncurls and looks up only to find the sun blocked. 'Oh God here we go again,' he thinks, but then the figure moves and he can see properly and the sun comes back into Steve's world as he looks up and sees Bucky Barnes.
"Hey kid," the boy holds out his hand. Steve puts his own out and feels the dry warm hand as it hauls him to his feet. The hand has him in a strong grip, will not let him fall, and he looks up at the face smiling down at him. His heart starts to beat faster, and his stomach flips as he looks into blue eyes framed by dark hair and that smile.
"Whoa there kid! Names Bucky Barnes," the boy says, grinning thinking for a moment Steve is going to swing for him. He has pulled Steve up and Steve does not want to let go of his hand. "Kinda quiet, ain't you?"
"Aren't..." Immediately Steve wishes he could shut up. Correcting people had gotten him into the fight in the first place. He had called the boy a primitive primate and then had to explain to him what primitive and primate meant – that is when the boy landed the punch that had knocked him to the ground.
"Huh?" Bucky says.
"Nothing," Steve stutters aware now of the blood running down his face from his nose as the boy hands him a hanky to mop it up. He can't really call Barnes a boy; a young man would be more apt. Tall, well built and blue eyes to die for. Steve feels himself redden. He has never had this reaction before to another male but he has had the reaction to females before. His mind, he decides, is a little confused. It must have been the punch.
"No, go on...should be aren't not ain't is that what you're sayin' . You sound like my mother." The young man grins again good naturedly then surprisingly he places an arm across Steve's shoulders – gently.
"Lets get that seen to, then we need to enrol you in Goldie's. You're going to have a hell of a humdinger of a black eye tomorrow."
And that was the start of it. The day he fell in love with James Barnes.
Steve remembers now because he still gets that reaction when he looks at Bucky. Everyone spoke of how Steve helped Bucky because that is what they see; but they don't realise just how much Bucky helped Steve.
"I was always getting into fights and you were always there to save me," Steve murmurs and Bucky looks up at him.
And then Bucky smiles. A sad smile. He doesn't speak, just shakes his head. Steve gets up and goes over and sits next to Bucky and looks at him. "Seriously. You were. If it hadn't been for you...do you realise the first time I saw you I fell in love with you? Just didn't realise it at the time."
Bucky's eyes search his looking for the truth. Could he really mean it? He looks down at his hands.
"I looked down and saw this skinny runt of a kid bleeding from his nose, black eye starting and do you know what I thought?" Bucky asks Steve quietly. Steve shakes his head wondering what he is going to say.
"I wished I could impress you. That you would look up at me and want me in your life." He looks back up at Steve.
And Steve can see the truth of it in Bucky's eyes.
"Oh God Bucky," and Steve is crying, reaching out, with large fat tears running down his cheeks and Bucky pulls him to him. He kisses the top of his head and doesn't say anything because there is nothing to say.
*
You have hours of time to kill. You ache all over and feel so low. A lot of your injuries are well on the way to repairing; Pepper had explained that they had removed the tracking device in your hip bone and you find the bone there at times throbs. Ales, the doctor, has said that will be the bone regrowing. But no one can repair you inside where it really matters. No one can mend your heart. A cliché, you know, but a true one.
When you first awoke it would have been nice if Bucky had been there to tell you what had happened. In the end it was Steve who came by and told you what he called the short version. He says you are safe, Hydra cannot get hold of you or Bucky, in fact the more time that goes on the more Hydra continues to implode. Arrests made in various countries around the world. Everyone scrabbling to blame the other person. You asked him about Bucky and he told you as much as he knew and at the end he could see you were tiring. You asked to see Bucky and he gave some excuse you can no longer remember, but now you know. You can sense it when you see him across the room. He doesn't want to see you.
You want to forget about James, the Soldier, Bucky and his Steve, so you think you'll make a start on the library. Pepper gave you a set of notebooks and pens for cataloguing and you have to think where you put them. They are not in your quarters. Then you remember, you were in the main lounge when she handed them to you and you had put them on the table.
The trouble with the living quarters Stark has given the Avengers is there is so much of it. You make your way to the communal area. There is no one there and you finally see what you are looking for on the glass table.
You walk over to the table and see the notebooks are weighed down with some type of huge hammer. You look around but there is no one to ask who it belongs to. Surely you think, it is all right if you just move your notebooks and make sure the hammer is sat on something else. They must have used your books to protect the glass from being scratched by the hammer. You fetch a magazine to swap with the books.
You go to pick up the hammer but it is surprisingly heavy, in fact you don't think you can even lift it up. You frown and instead using both hands you drag the hammer by its handle along the table until it is off your books. It is so heavy you can feel it pulling on your stitches and you actually break out into a sweat. You retrieve your books. Then with great difficulty to drag it back so it is now on top of the magazine and guilty you check the glass. You cannot see any scratches despite the noise it made when you dragged it.
You run your finger over some of the beautiful carvings on the hammer, it is a work of art and you wonder what the symbols mean. The symbols look vaguely familiar, almost like some of the illustrations in your father's old magazines. As your finger trails over the etchings a blue light begins to glow within them and you think somehow you must have switched it on. Shit. You look for a button but there is nothing.
Bugger.
How do you turn it off? You cannot even pick the damn thing up to examine it for a switch.
You hear voices and start to sweat even more, dammit, they will think you have been prying and that is the last thing you want. You're not convinced they like you much as it is. There is another magazine on one of the sofas, you grab it put it on the table over the hammer. Shit. No good. You can still see it glowing and the voices are getting nearer.
As you look around the glow begins to diminish but not fast enough so you grab the fruit bowl and put it in front of the hammer so no one can see it as they enter the room.
That will have to do.
You clutch your notebooks and walk over to the open doorway as they enter and you smile and duck your head wondering who the new man with Mr Stark is. It takes a few moments for your mind to process his looks and peculiar clothing. He is tall, very muscular, very blond, bearded, dressed in what looks like a cloak and armour. He could almost be a Greek god, you think or at least be dressed like one. He and Tony are discussing something but they quieten when they see you. He smiles and you smile back and as you go to duck out of the room you can't help but wonder who he is.
Tony though stops you.
"Miss Bowman. Freya," he remembers you have asked him to call you Freya. He makes a motion with his hand to indicate the other man. "Thor."
You stand waiting for the rest of his name but instead the man puts his hand out and when you do likewise your hand is totally lost in his. He smiles and you find his speech has an odd accent.
"Ah, Freyja, the beautiful Norse goddess of love, fertility and mythological wife of Odin my father," he says and you feel he may be trying to joke but if he is you don't quite understand. Tony said his name was Thor but he cannot be that Thor can he?
Tony's eyebrows shoot up. "Well I suppose she is old enough to be your mother...well, not quite," he says drily. "I should add that, yes, Thor likes to think he is a god and yes he comes from Asgard...he's one of our little group."
"Oh," you clear your throat, you really don't know what to say. "Well its nice to meet you Mr Thor..um,Thor," and you retrieve your hand whilst your brain is trying to figure out if those are real muscles. You thought both Steve and Bucky were big but Thor is....well, godlike, you assume. He makes a small bow and you find yourself doing the same and then you escape.
You start to wonder what sort of world you have woken up in.
*
That evening Nat invites you to watch a film with the rest of them. You try to turn her down, but she is very persuasive. As you walk with her she asks how you are feeling and you say fine and thank her for asking. She smiles and shakes her head.
"What?" you ask.
"Nothing," she replies, but you see she is smiling. Nat had asked Bucky earlier how he was feeling and he replied in exactly the same way as Freya. It is amazing how alike the two people are.
When you get to the home theatre, Sam is already there but so is Steve and Bucky. Sam immediately comes up and takes both yours and Nat's arms, which surprises you. "Ladies, for tonight you can both come and sit next to me. I'll even let you can share my popcorn." He raises his eyebrows and you actually find yourself smiling at his charm. He turns you both around to sit down and sits between you. He then looks over at Bucky and you would have been surprised if you saw the look he gave Bucky, almost a Hah! Steve had the distinct feeling Sam was tempted to stick his tongue out at them.
There are three tiers of seats and you are all sat in the first row. The end of the row curves very slightly which means you can see people sat each end from where you are. You can see Steve and Bucky, and you wish you couldn't.
In actual fact, Sam has saved what could have been an embarrassing issue with who sits where as Steve and Bucky would have automatically sat together and she could have been sat alone - or worse next to one of them.
"So what are we watching?" Nat asks ready for an action thriller, she then turns to you, "we take turns to choose the film, its Clint's turn tonight," she says as you realise someone has come to sit the other side of Nat and the new man passes you a small bucket of what Sam calls Popcorn.
"This is Clint, Clint, Freya."
You both smile.
"So?" Nat asks Clint, already tucking into her popcorn, how does she stay so slim you wonder.
"Wait and see, its a classic," and that reply makes Nat groan.
"Clint is famous for his classics," she says to you rather loudly.
Clint holds up his hands in defence. "This has been highly recommended and I have to say it is really a true classic. Its a film that will haunt you, make you laugh, make you cry, I dare you to say I'm wrong...!" Clint says as the lights are dimmed.
You have never seen a film before. Never been to a cinema. The nearest you've had as an experience is the film Lehmann showed you and James back so many years ago.
At first you jump when the music starts as it is so loud and Nat actually pats your hand. A huge screen in front of you lights up and a squeaky cartoon voice announces: "Movie Town news presents...Spotlight on Adventure..."
Sam gasps and whispers "UP! Oh wow, this is a classic, good choice Clint my man!" He settles back into his chair with a huge grin on his face and chomps on his popcorn.
You glance over at Steve and Bucky and notice how even when they sit side by side they are drawn to each other as they both lean in on the same side. You realise Bucky is looking your way and you look away quickly feeling your cheeks warm.
Don't think Freya, just watch the film.
It turns out to be an easy command to obey.
You do not eat your popcorn, in fact when Sam pinches it from you you don't even realise. For over an hour and a half you are astounded. You don't think you have seen anything so beautiful, so sad or so funny ever. You laugh, you sniff (even Nat sniffs) and you fall in love with a dog called Dug and a bird called Kevin. At the end of it when the lights go back up you realise you had forgotten where you were, you had forgotten your life for a moment and you wish you could be like the old man in the film, Carl, and float away from it all.
After the film finishes you try to escape back to your room but Sam is having none of it and you end up in the communal area with the others. At first you do not know what to do; they are all at ease with each other but then you realise James, no Bucky, looks as uncomfortable as you do. He sees you looking at him just as you look away but in your peripheral vision you see him walk over and you look back at him.
He is focused just on you and as he comes up he tries to smile. You are as captivated by him as you were by the film, sound disappears, everyone vanishes, there is just him.
His voice is quiet. "How are you feeling?" he asks and you feel your cheeks flush. You are holding a glass in your hand and you feel if you are not careful you are going to spill the drink in it because your hands are trembling and you do not want him to realise. You hold the glass with both hands. "Fine thank you. How are you?"
Nat sees Bucky talking to Freya and as she goes to walk over to them Steve takes her arm and pulls her back. "Just let him talk to her for a few moments," he says quietly. It is Steve who told Bucky to go over now and say some of the things he needs to say to her. He could not bear to watch Bucky, see the need in his eyes to talk to Freya whilst everyone kept stopping him. They need to let Bucky do this.
"Oh you know..." and Bucky curses inside; of course she knows how he feels.
"Your head?" you ask.
He lifts his hand subconsciously and rubs his temple. "Painful at times."
"But you're remembering?" you ask and then add hastily, "remembering Steve that is, your previous life..." you feel like you are saying the wrong things. You want to lift your hand and touch him, touch his face, kiss his lips, brush his hair back.
"Things come and go, sometimes they make sense, other times they don't..." and then he looks at you and his voice softens, "I wanted to say thank you...for everything."
"I didn't do anything," you say and he smiles and ducks his head in that way you know so well.
"The backpack saved my life," he says.
And your eyes tear up. You don't mean for them to; you must not cry. Someone in the background clears their throat and you both suddenly remember where you are and Bucky actually takes a step backwards as if to put distance between you both. "Thank you," he says again and then turns away and escapes back to Steve.
What did you expect? Roses?
You put your drink down on a side table. "Its been a long evening, I feel a bit tired so I'm going to turn in," you say to the group and you see Nat and Steve nod. "Thank you for the film, it is the first one I have ever seen, it was beautiful," you say to Clint, who smiles back at you
"Glad you enjoyed it," he says.
You escape. Back to your room. To yourself. You get into bed and curl up in the smallest ball you can and weep.
You wish he had not said anything, had not come over to you, had left you alone. It would have been better if he had not have done anything. You heard them earlier, James and Steve talking about if wishes were horses - and you think: if wishes were horses...then I would be dead.
*
It is past 2am and the Winter Soldier is stood in the corridor outside of Freya's room. He stands there imagining just what she would be like if he went in: curled up in the bed, her hair spread over the pillows and sheets. Part of him feels guilty, so guilty he is there, that he has left Steve asleep in bed and snuck out when in truth he knows he cannot go in to her. He walks forward, takes hold of the handle of the door, rests his forehead on the paintwork. It is taking so much self control to stop him from opening it and walking in. He groans quietly, he can see himself take hold of the bedclothes and getting in beside her. He can see her turning towards him with those huge eyes of hers, he can see his hand reaching out pushing her down and then moving across her body and sliding in between her soft welcoming thighs. He is so hard it hurts, his balls throb, his brow has broken out in sweat.
He turns, lets go of the door and instead walks over to the balustrade of the atrium, grasps the rail, and all the time he is whispering the word no. Both fists curl tight around the metal and he doesn't hear when it begins to groan as the metal is compressed.
And then there is a voice. Calm, gentle, enquiring.
"Are you all right Sergeant Barnes?"
He lets go of the rail, looks up.
"Are you spying on me Jarvis?" he grins but it is not a nice smile. If Jarvis was there in front of him he would have grasped hold of his shirt by the collar and lifted until Jarvis was standing on air.
"No, sir. Merely observing."
"Really? Your master hasn't set you to watch me?" he turns as if looking for the voice but then he sees her door again and the grin leaves his face. He takes two steps towards it.
Jarvis continues calmly. "No Sir, I am just aware of all that goes on in the building. Security is one of my duties."
Inside Bucky is in such turmoil. He knows he cannot go in, he knows he cannot take her, he knows he made a promise to the others to give her her freedom but having her so close is torturing him. But he also knows he could not leave Steve, the thought of never seeing him again just adds to the torture until he groans.
"Would you like me to wake Captain Rogers for you?" Jarvis enquires politely. Bucky doesn't know if he is trying to be helpful or if he is warning him. He makes a noise that could be a laugh but isn't. Then he turns back towards Steve's room, his face hardens.
"No need I'll wake him myself," and Jarvis watches the Soldier walk back to Steve's room.
Steve is woken by a hand on his shoulder. He is lying face down, the room is dark but he knows it is Bucky.
"Whats wrong?" he asks groggily, not fully awake. He feels Bucky's hands on him doesn't realise at first what Bucky is doing but then he feels where Bucky's hand is travelling to and starts to turn. He finds he can't, Bucky is holding him down and then he senses Bucky bending over him.
"Bucky is gonna have to learn to share," the voice is a low growl and he feels the Soldier's fingers find what they are looking for and Steve tenses.
He tries to look back over his shoulder, tries again to turn but just gets slammed back down and then Bucky is placing his metal arm under Steve and he pulls him slightly up off the bed and his fingers sink in deep.
"Christ Buck wait..." he starts to say but it is too late and he feels Bucky move his fingers and then thrust himself inside, his shaft so hard it causes pain to both men.
Steve takes a deep breath and lets it out, he tells himself to relax and he feels Bucky, no this isn't Bucky this is the Soldier, set a rhythm, long hard strokes and now Steve can feel his own shaft hardening, can feel the heat rising in his own body. He hears the Soldier groan. The metal hand touches Steve's cock and takes it in it's fist, the metal isn't as cold as he was expecting and the hand begins to move up and down in rhythm with its owner. Steve feels his heart beating fast, sweat coming out on his body and he hears when the Soldier comes, feels the extra pressure inside him and very soon he himself is exploding into the Soldier's hand and over the sheets. He hears Bucky breathing hard, feels him move off him and get off the bed. He is able to turn now and he does so reaching out to put the light on but Bucky stops him. "Don't," he says his voice like gravel.
"Buck all you had to do is ask. You don't need to..." Attack me.
"...don't need to what?" the voice asks. The Soldier is a dark shadow stood by the bed and Steve feels he can't breathe his heart is hammering so much.
Steve moves so he is sat up, he feels less vulnerable that way. "Don't have to force me," he says, his voice sounding weak even to his own ears.
The Soldier makes a noise like a laugh.
"Don't I?"
"No."
"I share his memories, I may as well share his fuck. After all, you've taken mine away from me."
Steve is totally bewildered, doesn't know how to reply, doesn't know what to do. He runs a hand through his hair and then looks at Bucky. "Come back to bed," he says quietly but instead he realises Bucky is turning away and heading for the door. He will go back to his own room and not be able to face Steve in the morning. He watches as the door opens and a narrow strip of light shows, Bucky is stood in it and Steve almost doesn't recognise him.
"Hey Steve, Bucky wants you to know if wishes were horses he would be dead," and the tone makes Steve go cold but before he can say anything the door closes and he is alone. He lies back down, pushing his hair back again and sighing heavily. He is lost, how does he help Bucky when he can't even help himself. He turns on to his side and curls around himself and tries to ignore the discomfort – both physical and emotional.
*
You hear the library door open and see Tony Stark enter. He looks at you, looks around and sees you are alone.
"I thought I would see how you are doing, how you're feeling?" he says, his eyes boring into yours. You have found on the odd occasions you have spoken with him he can be very intense. You are currently writing things into a notebook and he comes up, picks up a book, reads the spine and puts it back down, looks at you.
"A lot better thank you Mr Stark..."
"Call me Tony..." he interrupts and then signals for you to continue.
"Pepper asked me to make a list of your books in here, get them in to some type of order," you feel you should explain but he just nods, you feel that isn't what is on his mind.
"Good, good."
The room goes quiet, you hate silences.
"I should have come and thanked you for...taking me in," you say.
He shakes his head. "No need," and then that silence again.
You decide to take the bull by the horns. "Was there something in particular you wanted to talk to me about?"
He is quiet for a moment. "Armand told us that there was a group inside of Hydra who hid information so it would not be destroyed."
"So I've been told, I didn't know during the time I was with them, sorry."
"So you don't know how or where they hid it?" he asks and you are surprised by the question; you can only just use the laptop Pepper has given you, anything else is way beyond your means. Pepper had been going to ask you to transfer the information about the library to what she called a database. When you looked at her blankly that is when she decided to give you the notebooks instead.
"No sorry, I wish I could help," and you really do. You have already been interviewed by a lawyer called Jeremy Sands who took your statement backing up all that James had told him but he had asked you if any of it could be backed up by written records and you were at a complete loss. The more you hear the more it appears that James is in trouble. At first you could not believe it; after everything that had been done to him for him to then have to go through prosecution. Jeremy had told you it will happen, it is just a matter of when. He believes the District Attorney is getting the case together and it will be a few months, if not longer, before they make their move. He has scheduled in several meetings with you to take more statements. He has also asked you if you would be prepared to stand up in a court of law and tell your story and you have said yes, without a doubt you will be there for James.
Tony nods as if you have confirmed what he thinks you would and then turns to leave.
You step forward. "Mr Stark...Tony. James would not have done all those things if he had not been programmed, if they had not continually taken away his memories, mind wiped him again and again making him forget who he was just as he was beginning to remember." Tony turns back to you and you can see in his eyes he does not believe you. You step forward again and look at him "You didn't see what they did to him," you say your voice forceful as if by emphasising it you can make him believe. You are confused by this turn of events, if Tony disbelieves then why is he providing the defence attorney, why is he giving Bucky sanctuary?
"Did you ever know anything about the missions he was sent on?" he asks you.
"A few towards the end. They sometimes used me as an exit point. I...I went on two of the missions with him." He is quiet, waiting for you to say more. "One in Austria, one in Russia," and you can see he dismisses them. It is obviously not the information he wants.
"Why are you protecting him if you don't believe him?" you ask.
"Who said I don't believe him?"
"No one," you say quietly. Then "I feel like you are asking me for something specific?" you leave it as a question hoping he will fill in the rest. For a brief moment you think he is going to tell you but then he sighs heavily and rubs his eyes.
When he looks back at you there is a hardness in him. "You would do anything to defend him, wouldn't you? To protect him, look after him?" he says and you do not need to reply.
Tony Stark leaves the woman alone in the library. He is going to need to get in touch with Armand because Jarvis is having problems locating the information hidden in the Hydra database. He wants the answers, he wants to know what happened on a specific date, he wants to have proof that James Barnes killed his parents. He wants the proof that the Winter Soldier knew what he was doing and when the time comes he wants to be able to stuff it down the bastard's throat and show the world what James Barnes is truly like.
*
It is funny how the smallest thing can have the largest impact.
Jarvis is running through Hydra files and all the non important information, dumping various bits - thankfully dumping it in a file and not out of his memory altogether - when he sees something. He has already wondered why Hydra kept such monotonous information like supply orders, leave rota's when he happens upon the medical files. He was hoping they would be on the Winter Soldier but they do not appear to be; they are on various staff personnel, but one of them he finds is on Freya. He is reading through her file when he sees something else woven in to it. And then he realises what it is they did to hide the information. He had been looking for something complicated but this is so simple it had never occurred to him. He races back through the dumped files and begins to analyse the files in a whole new way.
This is why they kept them; kept all the everyday dross, because hidden within the monotonous details are the secrets.
But one secret in particular leaps out from Freya's file. It was an accident she was involved in at the base. An accident on December 16th 1991.
*
Contrary to belief, when Tony is angry at something he doesn't always take action straight away, some things stay in his mind for months, they linger, he broods on them and then suddenly he has to take action, he needs to do something about it. The situation with the Winter Soldier is bearing down on him, making him fractious.
Over the last few weeks he has gone quiet, making barbed comments. He doesn't want the Winter Soldier in his home, he doesn't want him anywhere near him, he believes he should be imprisoned and shot. He thought when he first brought him and then the woman here he could cope with it, better to know where he was than leave it to chance but now, now he feels different.
This man, no he won't call him that, this animal was responsible for the death of his parents, and he can never forgive him for that. It eats at him.
He has shut himself off downstairs in his workroom and is working on anything that will keep his mind active, at the moment that is cleaning gears. He cleans one throws it on the bench and takes another one, he has been at it for two hours, he cleans each one and then starts again, his only companion is Jarvis. Pepper knows to stay out of his way when he shuts himself off like this. He has to work through this alone, the only problem is she has no idea what is wrong with him, what it is that is eating at him this time, he will not share any part of it with her.
He is sat there, thoughts going around and around in his mind, he is working himself up again, arguing in his own mind when Jarvis comes online to tell him about Freya's medical records. He and Jarvis have already had arguments over the confidential nature of the records but Jarvis knows this time he is beaten. He does what his master wants him to do.
First of all Jarvis brings the information up on the screen in front of Tony and as Tony cleans he reads the story of the damage done to this woman mainly by the Soldier, the low life. His anger is ready to burst at the seams.
Because of his anger he almost misses the information that Jarvis wants him to see: the information that will change his whole world, his whole way of looking at the Winter Soldier. He looks at the record of misuse, rape, broken bones. The words and dates scroll past him until one date leaps out.
The date that catches his eye is 16th December 1991. The day before his parents were killed.
He reads the record, then reads it again and then slowly puts the gears and cleaning cloth down.
"Go into this record and bring up all the information you have," he says and Jarvis does so and extends the record. It lists each and every injury, the records start off being made by the doctor in charge at the time but the report is signed off by Jackson Caldwell, a name Tony knows.
On the 16th December Freya Bowman was seriously injured in an accident on the base. She was travelling in an elevator when two of the lines had snapped and the elevator had become trapped high up and between floors. She was not alone. The Winter Soldier had also been travelling in the lift with her. He had climbed out on top of the lift in an attempt to get them free but he was electrocuted with such a powerful charge it nearly killed him. Severe damage was done to his metal arm which caused the power source to leak into his body, essentially poisoning him. When they finally got them out both he and Freya were unconscious and stayed that way for several days. She with a skull fracture and he with burns and poisoning.
It could not have been him who killed Tony's parents.
A tie in with this record on Freya's file leads Jarvis to the hidden Mission Files. He now brings up the relevant one for Tony to see. On the 15thDecember the Winter Soldier and his Constant were woken ready to programme him for a mission.
Howard Stark's assassination – it was code named World Fair.
The accident happened on the 16th December and Jackson Caldwell had ended up sending another team in. By the time the Winter Soldier regained consciousness, Howard and Marie Stark were dead. The Soldier was wiped and then put back into cryo-freeze ready for the next time he would be needed.
Caldwell, Jackson Caldwell, one of the Stark's family friend. Tony had found it difficult to take in when he discovered he was Hydra but now, now he knows the family friend had ordered for his parents to be killed – no, not his parents, his father The file clearly shows the hit was on Howard Stark alone and Maria Stark should not have been killed. He remembers Jackson had been so solicitous at the time, even giving one of the eulogies at the funeral.
The Winter Soldier was not responsible for killing Marie and Howard Stark on the 17th December 1991.
Tony sits there quietly taking the information in. All his hatred for Hydra has always been turned on the Winter Soldier, he needed that, someone specific, a focal point that was not just a whole faceless organisation. So what now?
"What else have you found hidden away?" he asks and Jarvis shows him the files listed. Tony chooses one at random that has a film attachment and tells Jarvis to run the film.
"Wait! Stop!" he shouts, as the images on the screen appear and he realises what is happening. He feels nauseous, takes a deep breath. He has to do this, he has to see this through.
The film he is watching is the film that shows the operation they performed on James Barnes to break his mind. He closes his eyes for a moment. God alone knows what else is hidden away in these files but he is going to find out.
Then he will decide what to do. He takes a deep breath. "Okay run the film," he sits and takes it all in. He has had his wishes granted, he knows it all now.
If wishes were horses Tony would finally ride.