The Winter Soldier & The Guard
Over the next few months Steve learns a lot of things about both the Winter Soldier and Bucky Barnes.
Bucky still loves to drink a glass of cold milk down without stopping; the Soldier hates milk.
Bucky still hums whilst he is waiting for something; the Soldier is quiet, so quiet you don't know he is there.
Bucky's smile is rare but worth waiting for; the Soldier's is just as fleeting but it is terrifying.
Bucky constantly struggles to remember things, writes down all that he can remember but it causes debilitating migraines which leave him bleeding from his nose or on rare occasions his ears; the Soldier also tries to remember, he will not give in to the migraines and Steve knows he is in charge when Bucky disappears for hours and can be found running on one of the machines in Tony's gym, black shadows under his eyes, exhaustion in his face.
Even so, he does not learn what it is that has Bucky waking in the middle of the night covered in sweat and begging Steve not to hate him. At these times his friend is vulnerable and Steve does all he can to find out the truth because he knows Bucky is holding something back. But each time he makes excuses, tells Steve that it is just his previous memories, don't worry.
How can he not worry where Bucky is involved?
Steve talks to Sam, who tells him to give Bucky time. "With what he has gone through, what they made him do...it must be a pretty damn awful thing that out of everything it's a single memory he keeps going back to. You have to be prepared that it may be something he can never talk about, something that will always haunt him," Sam says.
They all have something, and Sam Wilson's is the moment his co-pilot Riley fell out of the sky and there was nothing he had been able to do about it. He too dreams, and each time someone is giving him one more chance to save his friend. He always needs just a few more seconds but he never reaches him in time, never saves him in time. And for that, Sam will never forgive himself.
Meanwhile Tony's lawyers and the District Attorney are at in impasse. The DA, a rather florid man in his fifties named Charles Bayer, does not have enough evidence to make an arrest but he has managed to have Bucky's movements restricted and Bucky is not allowed to leave New York. He must also remain registered at Stark Tower. The main defence lawyer attached to his case is a gentleman named Jeremy Sands. Jeremy is in his late thirties, good at what he does, listens well, and Tony is pleased he is on their side. He is also honest, which Tony finds refreshing. The first thing he had insisted on was coming and meeting with James Barnes before he would agree to take on the case.
He decided to take the case within the first few minutes of meeting James but he didn't communicate this until after an hour long talk with him. The first thing James had told him was that he was the Winter Soldier, and that he was guilty. He made no effort to excuse what he had done, but he asked the lawyer if he could make a statement to say that he had not defected, nor was he a Russian sleeper agent.
"Why?" Jeremy asked.
"Because it dishonours my family's name, and the name of the Howling Commandos, and neither of them deserve that. They were honest hard working people, they were honourable soldiers."
More details have found their way onto the internet but the records are incomplete, mere fragments of data; the main problem is they in no way support Bucky's claims. No one knows who is releasing them. There is nothing there about the wiping process or the programming. There is not even anything about James Barnes being injured and interrogated. It says that whilst he previously had been an American POW he had been experimented on with 'pleasing results'. That he 'returned' to them to complete the process. It just provides more nails in Bucky's coffin. He tells them about the inner-city vault but that has been completely destroyed when it blew leaving behind no discernible evidence amongst the rubble. What the explosion had not destroyed the subsequent fire had.
The days seem to progress slowly but the weeks fly by and rapidly turn into months. Some days are good, some bad. Steve and Bucky still have separate rooms at the tower but rarely spend the night apart. They managed to obtain permission to move back into Steve's apartment, but as soon as people began to recognise Bucky there were what the press referred to as "incidents." Rocks thrown through windows, graffiti on their door, the apartment is broken into twice, such things as personal photographs are stolen and then appear in the newspaper. Their personal items get trashed and the Police are unsympathetic; what else did you expect ? one detective says to Steve.
And out on the street there are catcalls. Young men who want to take on the Winter Soldier, and inside Bucky the Winter Soldier stirs ready to take them apart. Sometimes it is not Bucky they recognise first, it is Steve...and then Bucky. Captain America and his Howling Commando, the dirty spy! You know the guy, the one who went over to the Russians. The killer, the murderer.
The red star atop his arm does not help. He keeps it covered as much as he can.
Two of Bucky's brothers are still alive, and they ask to meet him. They will never know how difficult it is for him to refuse. "I can't pull them in to all of this. I can't."
Not even Steve can change his mind, and so Steve spends time with them, tries to make the other relatives understand Bucky's dilemma, and thankfully most of them do. Most of them tell Steve that they are there for when Bucky is ready to meet them. They refuse interviews with the newspapers, ignore the comments made about their kin. Their quiet refusal to believe that Bucky is anything but a victim in this is dignified. They believe in James and they always will.
But Jeremy Sands knows that if they went to trial now it would be impossible to defend him. They would hang Bucky from the nearest lamp post.
"I need something to work with. Isn't there anything, anyone who can back up your claims? Anyone's life we may be able to look at that can show what it is you went through?" It's a question he asks regularly of Bucky, and Bucky shakes his head, looks away. For a moment Rollins comes to mind but Bucky rejects the thought, the man had helped him enough. He would not set him up as a target, would not throw him to the wolves.
"No. There isn't anyone."
If he told them about Freya then he would have to tell them how he betrayed her, how he let her die unloved and alone in the flames, and he will not use her to protect himself. He had done nothing but use her in their time together. Had not even told her how much he had loved her. No, he would not tarnish her memory to find redemption for himself.
*
It all started in the shop.
They had gone in to buy a few things to keep them going, but inevitably someone had recognised him. Someone had called the Winter Soldier's name. Someone who thought he should be strung up as a war criminal. Bucky was starting to get used to it and even believe it which depressed the hell out of Steve.
And so they tried to ignore the person at first but then others joined in like a rabid pack until Steve could see the slump in Bucky's shoulders and then finally the owner who was behind the till refused to serve them. Things began to get ugly.
Through it all Bucky did not say a word, just shrank a little further at every taunt, at every name called out, at every slur and insult. When Steve went to put them right he stopped him.
"Lets just get out of here," Bucky said, turning to walk out empty handed.
But at the back of the shop a nondescript man had been watching and it was his turn at the till now. The people were gathered around excited by the chance to gossip and he listened to them sickened by what he was hearing.
The owner handed him his change.
"What do you think?" he asks the man and the people quieten down, expecting him to agree with them, expecting him to condemn the man who walked out of the shop as if the troubles of the world were on his shoulders.
"You want the truth?" The stranger looks at him and then at the others. "He's not Russian. He's an American prisoner of war. He was held captive and tortured for seventy years. Whenever he began to remember who he was they wiped his mind and he would be in so much pain you could hear his screams echoing off the walls...what do I think? I think he's a goddamn hero, and none of you know what you are talking about."
Although he has an American accent there is something else in his voice; they think he may be German. He takes one final look at them, as they stand quiet and shocked, then he picks up his goods and leaves the shop.
He dumps his shopping in his car and looks around to see if he can spot which way they went. He knows they are living back at Stark Tower and he needs to desperately speak with the Soldier. Today is the closest he has gotten to doing so. He starts his car and drives towards the tower, hoping he will see them on the way - and he does. They are just turning into a park opposite the tower. He parks the car, gets out, locks it, and hurries into the park after them.
He needs to talk to them. He needs their help. And they need his.
*
When he finally spots them he can see they are arguing. As he gets nearer he hears the Winter Soldier's voice, full of anguish. "I told you thats what people think, and they're right. I'm a murderer and worse. I shouldn't be free Steve. I shouldn't even be alive."
They have stopped and are facing each other when they see the man about six feet away from them.
Before Steve can answer Bucky, the man hesitantly starts forward and speaks. "No. They are not right. They just do not know the facts."
Steve turns to look at him, annoyed to be interrupted. Their argument is personal, and nothing to do with strangers.
Bucky also looks up. There is something familiar about the man and he doesn't know why. His head is starting to pound and he is starting to get hot; he knows the sign of panic when it is visiting.
After his initial anger Steve is not sure what to do. The man does not seem to be armed, does not seem threatening but after the berating they had just gone through in the shop they do not need another one.
"They are wrong," the man repeats, and then hesitantly smiles. He is now about four feet away and has stopped.
Bucky looks away and turns to go; he cannot do this, he cannot cope.
"Please. Please, sir, I just need to talk to you," the man says coming forward, trying to get hold of Bucky's arm to prevent him from leaving.
"Look," says Steve thinking it may just be one more of those people who has recognised them from the TV coverage, "...leave us alone, please." He steps between Bucky and the man holding his hands up to show he doesn't want a fight. He can see the sweat on Bucky's top lip as panic starts to envelop him.
He takes Bucky's arm, turns him and they start walking away.
The man stands there staring after them but obviously upset. What can he do to stop them?
"You told me to burn her!" he shouts at Bucky, and Bucky stops dead.
He turns back around slowly. His eyes are wide with disbelief and Steve looks on as Bucky goes to take a step forward and stops. Bucky's head is pounding, the skin under his eyes is black and his face has paled.
"What did you say?" Bucky says quietly.
The man steps forward hesitantly and puts both hands out as Steve had done to show he is non threatening. All he wants is the Winter Soldier's help. "You told me to burn her...but I didn't."
Steve looks from the man to Bucky. "Burn who?" he asks, bewildered, but neither man answers; they are looking at each other. Bucky is back in the past, back in the room, back with Freya, close to death at his feet and this man and another are awaiting his orders.
"Take this mess away and burn it!" That is what he had told them to do.
The man has moved closer to them both and Steve can see he is no threat at all; the man looks desperate but sincere in what he is saying. "I don't know who else to turn to. Yes, I worked for Hydra but...there is so much to tell you. There was a group of us within Hydra who didn't agree with what they were doing. We hid information, we kept it safe...please just give me fifteen minutes to explain, please."
Bucky hasn't moved, his hands are clenched and he seems to be searching his mind for something. But then he looks up at the man and the anguish in his eyes is terrible. "I killed her," he says softly, eventually.
The man starts to shake his head. "No you didn't. She wasn't dead. I swear. Look, it's complicated. You told me to burn her but she was still alive and I would not have anyway. She may still die but at the moment I think we can save her but I need help." He takes a breath. "I need your help."
Steve is totally lost, looking from one man to the other. "Who is she?"
Bucky turns to him and Steve feels as if someone has hit him in the gut at the look in Bucky's eyes.
"My Constant," he says.
"Your what?"
"My Constant," Bucky says, quieter this time, and then closes his eyes and for a moment sways on the spot. Steve moves closer and puts a hand out.
"Freya," he hears Bucky say.
"Please," the man implores and Steve looks around. People are starting to take notice of them.
The man then surprisingly holds out his hand.
"My name is Armand Joncker, by the way," and he tries to smile at Steve.
Automatically, Steve takes his hand and shakes. "Steve Rogers." But of course he didn't need to tell him his name he already knows exactly who he is. "Look, we can't talk here," he continues, and the man nods his agreement.
Where do they go?
This man obviously has valuable information and Steve does not want to risk Hydra seeing them talking. Armand readily agrees to return to Stark Tower with them; it isn't difficult, this man is at the end of the road, the Winter Soldier is his last hope, he has no where else to turn.
*
Steve has made coffee and they sit together. Now they need to talk about whatever is happening here. Steve has a million questions, the first being who or what the Constant is, but it is Bucky who talks first.
"They told me she was working for SHIELD, that she had betrayed me," he says quietly to Armand.
"I know, but I didn't find that out until it was too late. She would never betray you. I don't think she even knew who SHIELD was. I've since pieced together that she seems to have met Mr Rogers..."
"Steve," says Steve automatically.
"Sorry, Steve...at the Smithsonian and was seen and that is what sparked it off. Pierce was furious. Ordered her to be killed, and for you to do it."
Bucky looks at Steve who now is totally confused and looks from Bucky to Armand. "Who? Who did I meet?"
"A young woman called Freya..."
Steve is shaking his head and they can see he genuinely doesn't know what Armand is talking about.
"Russian, tall, um, blond hair, long plait down...."
A plait. "Wait." And suddenly Steve can picture the woman in his mind. The one who had been so upset by Bucky's memorial. "I remember. I was at the Smithsonian. She was reading Bucky's memorial and she was crying and I asked her why. It was obvious that I had shocked her, she looked at me as if she had seen a ghost but when I tried to talk to her she ran and I lost her. Who was she?" he asks.
Armand looks at Bucky but he is staring at the floor, his hand massaging his temple. He is still pale, his skin taking on a grey tinge and black shadows under his eyes. Steve recognises the signs of the migraine that plagues Bucky whenever he tries too push to hard to remember something.
"My Constant," Bucky says quietly. Then he looks up. "But I did kill her. I remember, I remember everything I did to her, I was so angry. They showed me pictures, terrible pictures of her with...I hated her and..." He goes quiet as visions – memories - cross his mind and he begins to weep. "You were one of the guards. I told you to burn her body didn't I?" he says and Armand nods. "Rumlow told me you had burnt her, he told me she was still alive when you fed her to the flames, he said...he said she had called my name and begged me to...to..." And his voice stops, choked to much to carry on.
"But I didn't burn her," Armand says earnestly. He sits forward totally concentrating on Bucky now. "I took her back to the compound and we put her in cryo freeze. I won't lie, she was very badly injured but she was still breathing when we froze her."
"But the compound was destroyed."
"Not all of it."
"So where is she now?"
And Armand looks at him.
"She's still there," he says quietly. "In stasis. Under the rubble."
Steve has been quiet up until now seeing that the men needed to talk but now he needs to sort this out, find out what is going on, what they need to do. Is this the secret Bucky has been keeping from him? Is this the thing that has him waking up in the middle of the night in terror? The thing that Bucky will not talk about?
"Who is she, Buck?" he asks but Bucky just shakes his head. How can he tell Steve what he did to this woman, what he sees every night in his dreams, when he feels himself push the knife into her. When he envisions the guards pushing her into the flames.
"She was his Constant. His nurse, his...companion," Armand says and when Bucky does not say anything Armand tells Steve the truth about her and about the group within Hydra. "My information was passed down so some of it may be slightly incorrect but I think in the main it is true. One of the original doctors on the project began to have doubts about what Hydra was doing. This was back at the beginning of Project Winter Soldier, way before my time. He decided to make sure information remained safe so that would one day we could show the world exactly what Hydra had done. I believe the woman, whose name was Freya, came to the project as a nurse but it was not known that she already knew James Barnes. She had been at the field camp he was originally taken to when he fell from the train. A couple of years later she was brought onto the project, not from choice but because she spoke English and they needed someone who could translate for them. She became James's personal nurse. Eric Jakobs, the doctor I mentioned, became friends with her. She's a good person, she changed his mind, made him realise what they were doing was wrong but there was no way they could get James out by then. I have seen a few of the films taken, some of the photographs..." And here Armand stops, he has gone pale.
Finally he continues. "They are not easy to see...but when they...broke him..." And here he looks apologetically to Bucky but Bucky's stare is a million miles away, underground. "...they worked on cryo freezing him. Each time they brought him out he would be too violent, they were unable to control him and so they made his nurse Freya, his Constant...she was with him most of the time, knew how to calm him, how to soothe him."
"Knew how to control him you mean. She was no better than they were." Steve says under his breath.
"No! No, you must not think that. If you think that then I am explaining this wrongly...it is difficult to know what to tell you and what to leave out...Freya loved him." Armand falls quiet for a while trying to organise his thoughts and during this time Bucky speaks.
"She loved me. She promised never to leave me. She was as much a prisoner to me as I was to them."
He looks at Steve and Steve can see the pain in his eyes. "She stayed with me all that time, when I was in cryo she was too and then...when they sent me to kill you they told me she had betrayed me so I...I took her apart..."
"But that's not your fault -" Steve begins.
And then the Winter Soldier laughs. And it is not a pleasant laugh. "I raped her, I tore her up inside, I put a knife in her belly and do you know what she said? She told me she loved me, she always would and then...then she told me something that saved my life, she is why I'm alive now and not back in Hydra's hands as their...asset." Steve looks at him, waiting for more. "She left me the bag in the locker, my memories in the notebook. She is the one who pointed me to the Smithsonian, she warned me about the tracking device. She told me to find you...she...she reminded me you loved me," and now Bucky dry washes his face. He feels so tired, so old.
"But she is still alive?" Steve asks Armand.
He nods. "Everything went haywire that day, but she should be. We managed to stop some of the explosives going off that were connected to the level the cryo freeze rooms were on. As long as it is still all going on down there she should be but I can't get down there; the whole of the top structure was blown."
"And you can take us to this camp?"
Armand nods again. "Yes. I can."
*
It is too late in the day to arrange anything so Armand leaves, promising to return the next day. Meanwhile, Steve and Bucky will come up with a rescue plan. There is no way they will leave her there any longer than they have to.
And Steve finally asks the question he has wanted to ask Bucky all day: "Did you love her?"
Bucky looks at him, he knows why Steve is asking. He needs to be honest with him.
"Yes. Yes, the Soldier loves her as much as I love you. But I never told her. You are both part of me, I can't explain it. To see you again, have you back with me is...a miracle, something I spent years needing and wanting but I don't feel whole, I need her as well but it's not because I don't love you Steve, it's...complicated. She was mine, they gave her to me, she gave herself to me...dear God how can I explain it? How can I explain her?"
"This is what causes the nightmares? I knew you were keeping something back. Is this it?"
And Bucky nods. "I see her burning in the flames."
Steve is resolute. "Then we need to get her back."
Bucky looks up at him. Steve loves Bucky, he will help him, he said he would never lose him again...but what will happen now? He's only just found Bucky – can he lose him again to another? A stranger? But before his thoughts can knot themselves, Bucky looks at him, seems to know exactly what he is thinking.
"I can't live without you," he says, and Steve amazes them both by bursting into tears. This time, it is Bucky's turn to comfort Steve and tell him everything is going to be all right.
"Hey, come on," he says, and Steve tries to control his emotions. He wants to say something to Bucky that he should have said the first time he awoke.
"I didn't know..." he says, and Bucky frowns.
"Know what?"
"I didn't know you were still alive. I didn't know you had survived the fall. If I had I would have come for you." Steve's voice is low and Bucky can feel its pain.
He looks down at the floor, trying to think how to answer, but Steve hasn't finished.
"I didn't even try to find you. To bring your body home. And that haunts me." He doesn't try to explain that at the high speed the train was going they had no idea of where he fell within a 100 mile radius. He doesn't try and blame it on anyone else, or on the circumstances. As far as he is concerned it was up to him and he dropped the ball.
"They told me you had moved on. Even told me you and...Peggy Carter?" he pauses and Steve nods. "...were engaged to be married. That you had forgotten me. Then they told me you were dead. The bottom dropped out of my world that day." More and more memories begin to surface. Sometimes Bucky is desperate for them, but sometimes he wishes his mind would pull up the drawbridge and bolt the door.
"Do you forgive me?" Steve asks. They lock gazes, and Bucky lifts his right hand and places it on Steve's face, then leans in and kisses him.
"There is nothing to forgive, there was nothing you could have done, nothing," he says when he breaks the kiss.
*
Tony is ranting. "So, let me get this straight. There is a camp full of Hydra technology only thirty goddamn miles away from here and you didn't think to tell anyone? You know tell someone like your best friend here or your goddamn lawyer?"
Bucky is defensive. "I didn't know! I can't remember everything, I don't know if I ever will. I knew about the vault but never stopped to think about the other camp. I didn't even know where it was or that it was that close. It's not like its a summer camp parents would send their kids to! When I was there I was usually up to my neck in ice and that was after they had put my brain through the blender!" He responds to Tony's sarcasm with anger. This is all wasting time; they should be going; they should be on their way there now.
"Buck, we have to plan this. We need the resources." Steve had argued the same last night, and this is why Bucky is now sat around a table with Steve, Tony, Pepper, Sam and Nat. But Bucky is getting angry and when he gets angry it is easier for the Soldier to take control.
"Tell me again who this woman is? Did you say she was Hydra?" Nat asks.
"No. She's not theirs! She's mine!" Bucky's voice is a low growl and everyone stops talking.
Nat is taken aback by the force in his voice, but she then leans forward. "Thats not what I asked but what do you mean, she's yours?" she asks, ready for a fight. She can see shades of someone else in Bucky's eyes and she knows who it is.
"She belongs to me." Bucky's eyes are totally focused on her now and Tony looks at Steve, frowning. Pepper shifts in her seat. She is sat next to Nat and can feel the heat from Bucky's glare.
"What do you mean belongs to you?" she asks. She has not met the Soldier but the tone in Bucky's voice is disturbing.
"She's mine. They gave her to me. She belongs to me. Freya belongs to me."
"Don't be stupid. Nobody can give another human being away You're talking about slavery." Pepper's voice has a hard edge to it and both women now are as totally concentrated on Bucky as he is on them. His metal hand is on the table and curls in a fist. Steve sees it and glances at Bucky's face.
"Hey Buck, let's cool it down a bit shall we," he says, touching Bucky's arm, but Bucky shrugs him off.
"She belongs to me, no one else can have her," his tone of voice is run through with paranoia, possessiveness, its as if they are talking and planning on taking something away from him.
"Okay but..."
"No, it's not okay Steve, we're not rescuing this woman and then handing her over to a ..." Nat's own temper is rising.
"A what...a psychopath?" Bucky's voice is cold.
"If thats what you want to call him." She stares at him, working out if she can reach the knife in her boot before he snaps.
"You cannot own someone, Sergeant Barnes." Pepper uses his rank and name to try and get him to snap back into line. "It sounds like she was a prisoner every much as you were. Did it ever occur to you that she stayed because they wouldn't let her walk away? They wouldn't let her go?" It is the cruellest question he has ever been asked, but she will never know that.
The Soldier stops. Blinks. "She stayed because she is mine. She belongs to me!" he repeats, but his tone is less certain.
"So, not because she wanted to?" Pepper reiterates, doing more damage than she will ever know.
"If we get her out of there then we are not handing her over to you. And you need to understand that before we go any further," Nat says.
The Soldier looks down at the table, his lips moving as if he is still talking and Nat risks a glance at Steve but it is Sam that shakes his head to warn her to back off. They wait a few minutes and then Steve leans forward to get his attention.
"Buck," he says. "Bucky..." And finally Bucky looks up. Steve's voice is gentle, quiet. "They're right. If we bring her back then she will be her own person. She won't belong to you any more and you will need to give her her freedom, you understand that don't you? She has to be able to choose her own life." The look in the Soldier's eyes is heart breaking. "Buck?"
And after what seems an age Bucky and the Winter Soldier nod their head. He feels panicked because he knows they are right. But she was mine, she is all I have he wants to cry. But then he knows the truth: we can't have her, we have to let her go. And it shows the love the Soldier has for the woman as he unwillingly agrees with the people around the table. Freya will have her own life to lead without him. He has never been able to give her anything before; now, he will give her freedom. He feels as if he is going to be sick as his stomach churns, as if he has lost control of the only thing that matters to him, his reason for remaining. Bucky has Steve, the Soldier no longer has anyone, he has lost both Bucky and Freya, he is alone, totally.
They think they are doing the right thing but they have just taken away the only reason Freya will feel she has for living.
Tomorrow they will head out with Armand. There will be enough of them to rescue the woman, and Ales will go with them to supply medical support. They will not advise the authorities - especially as they will be going against the law regarding Bucky's movements.
Tony has already arranged with Jarvis a private mission of his own. Any information found out there will be downloaded and stored in the Tower's system. They will then blow the place to the proverbial kingdom come.
Maybe, he tells Jarvis, they will find the missing pieces that will complete the picture. Up until now he has only had the bits and pieces he had secretly released to the press hoping someone somewhere could supply more. Perhaps now he will obtain the pieces that will fit in and show the world what the Winter Soldier did, what a monster he is, and Tony can stop playing his game of bluff.
Maybe he can even finally come to terms with the loss of his parents.
And maybe, Jarvis thinks, there are the proverbial flying pigs out there.