The Constant & The Winter Soldier - Why Do We Do This To Him?
1 Month Ago
The Winter Soldier is stood in the Main Room and they are putting his battle gear on. They do not even allow him to prepare with you in his quarters; once they have brought him around they begin to dress him ready for his mission. There are so many people pulling him this way and that as they manhandle him; they have put on the lower part of his mask so that only his eyes are showing. They are downcast, dull, lacklustre, as if he is a puppet. It hurts you to see him like this. One of the technicians tuts and pulls him around so he can fasten the buckles on the front of the Winter Soldier's jacket whilst other hands help and you want to shout at them to let go of him, to leave him alone.
But this is what he is here for.
He is a weapon. An asset. No more than that.
They add in some of his artillery. The other weapons will be given to him by his team when they leave.
"Are you all right?"
Doctor Jakobs has noticed your quietness, and speaks as he hands you the Winter Soldier's boots.
You look at him and he sees the unshed tears in your eyes. "Why do we do this to him?" The anguish in your words is real and he doesn't have an answer for you.
The Winter Soldier has not said a word and you know he won't.
He no longer talks.
The technicians push him backwards so that he sits down and you kneel and put his boots on; one of the technicians makes as if to help but Jakobs stops him with a hand on his shoulder and a shake of his head.
You fasten the buckles up, and he is ready. You just need to place his goggles on to hide his eyes.
You stand and someone hands them to you.
You lean forward and tilt his chin up slightly and for the first time his eyes lift up and look at you directly.
"Be careful out there," you whisper and then cover them. You don't move for a second. Then the door bangs open.
"Is he ready?" a voice yells. One of his team.
You nod and move away and he stands up.
He is ready.
*
42 Months Ago
Before you are put into cryo, Director Lehmann asks for you see him. He is polite and you are wary. He is in such a good mood that you find yourself fascinated by how jovial he is being. He tells you that when they next wake you and the Winter Soldier, you will both be in the new facility. He even shows you a plan of how it is mapped out. He has new quarters for you and you will be able to go to the surface far more often.
This, he says is the dawn of a new life.
You do not believe him: it is an extension of the same life, that is all. But you do not say this.
You nod, ask a few questions that you pretend you feel are relevant, and then you are dismissed and return to your quarters. When you get there you find packing cases. Marinov has been instructed to tell you to pack what you want to take to the new complex. It doesn't take long and then you lock the door and head down to the cryo suite. The Winter Soldier was placed into cryo the day before and you now look in at his calm sleeping form.
With Stefan's help you strip down to your underwear and climb into your own pod. You hate this moment. It takes all your courage not to crawl out screaming at the claustrophobia you feel. Stefan checks you are ready and you nod as he seals you in. The hissing noise begins. Your skin starts to crackle and you know no more.
*
7 Months Ago
They have brought you and the Winter Soldier out of cryo freeze and programmed him in record time. It has never been this short a timetable before.
An urgent assignment, you are told.
A team are assembled and waiting for him. You are told the mission will be done, the report made, and then he will be wiped and put back into cryo freeze. There will be no need for you to do anything for him.
You are still suffering from the after effects of cryo; after all they only bought you around two hours before they woke him so that you could be present as usual; but then after you helped dress him you were excused and he was taken immediately to programming. From there they drove him away for the mission.
No rest period. Nothing.
You ask to see Director Lehmann but are told that is not possible. You ask why not and the person tells you someone will talk to you soon. The person you talk to will not look at you. You have never met them before you don't even know their name. You persist with your questions. You ask why the Winter Soldier is to be immediately put back into cryo on his return. The person finally looks at you and shrugs, you are told there is no reason to keep him out any longer.
It is then you remember that he is merely an asset to them.
You have only been awake for three hours but already you know things are so different. You do not recognise any of the rooms although you recognise the systems, the pods. It is obvious whilst you were asleep you have been moved to the new base. Stefan finally joins you. He is still working on the cryo freeze team and was not there when they woke you.
"We need to talk," are his first words to you, which is funny because that is just what you were going to say to him. Then he shocks you.
The first thing he tells you is that there is a new director. Your mind is still humming, trying to take in new facts, the new surroundings.
"Lehmann's gone?" you ask, bewildered.
"Lehmann's dead. Look, lets get you sat down you look as if your going to faint." Stefan fetches a chair and you gratefully sink into it. Your head is pounding.
"I don't understand," you look at him. Part of your mind is out there, wherever it is they have sent the Winter Soldier; when he left he looked as dazed as you feel now. You need to concentrate on what Stefan is telling you. There is something very wrong here.
You hadn't been permitted to speak to the Winter Soldier at all before he left. You were in the corridor when they brought him back from programming, and your heart had jumped when you saw him bleeding from his nose but they assured you it wasn't a problem. You could also see one of his eyes was bloodshot. You tried to argue to get them to let you see if he was all right but they said there wasn't time, his team would look after him. As he left, you saw he was shaking his head as if trying to clear his mind.
Stefan sits next to you. "Freya, things are a little...different now."
"What do you mean different? How?" His words frighten you. Your head is not allowing you to think. It all seems to be crashing in on you and Stefan can see this.
It is why he volunteered to be the one to tell you.
"Short version, okay...whilst you and the Winter Soldier were in cryo, Lehmann had a massive coronary...he was in a meeting with us talking about this new camp and then pshwst...gone the next. It was so sudden nothing could be done. And we soon found out that nothing was in place should something like that happen. No-one knew what to do with the project. It was pandemonium."
He looks at you and you nod. You are doing your best to concentrate, grateful that he is trying to make it as simple for you as he can.
"We had all types arriving here from above, so many meetings. It was like a bomb had been dropped on the place. Zola couldn't be reached at first and then when they did reach him he left it to the Russians to replace Lehmann with whomever they saw fit. But that wasn't as easy as everyone thought at first. This base wasn't ready yet but the old one was on its way out, they still needed to move us. In the end it was decided that decisions couldn't be made lightly, time was needed."
He makes sure you are following, you get the feeling part of him is trying to put off telling you something he doesn't think you will want to hear.
"They moved us here but we were...mothballed whilst they made up their minds what was to happen. The project continued in as much as they kept us busy updating systems, running scenarios, getting better at what we do, preparing the new base for the future..."
He stops again, he can see your mind working now, you are trying to think of how long all this would have taken.
Bingo! "How long were we out for?" you ask.
Stefan looks at you as he puts his hand over yours. "Three years."
You don't think you heard him right until you see the look on his face. Then it hits you. "Three years? But..."
It takes Stefan another hour to bring you up to speed. After that there was not much else he could say. He still doesn't know what their future plans are and he was as shocked as you were when orders came down from the new director to prepare and send the Winter Soldier out within eight hours. It had never been done before.
He then goes on to explain that your new quarters are not ready. That was the nicest way he could think of putting it. The rooms designated for you and the Winter Soldier hadn't even been touched; most of your things are still packed and in storage. For now you would sleep in another room until things had been decided. Both Jakobs and he had tried to get more information from the new director but it was made obvious that neither of them were senior enough to be told what future plans held for the two of you, and that worried both of them.
All he could say now was that he was sorry. How many times have you heard that said? How many times have you said it yourself?
Sorry.
Just a hollow word.
He shows you the room you are to use for the time being. It is small and up on the first floor away from cryo, away from where the Winter Soldier would be most of the time. Stefan has managed to get a few of your clothes and possessions out of storage but there is none of the Winter Soldier's. All his belongings needed for the mission were being taken from stores.
Your new room is soulless, bleak, as if to reflect your new future here.
The next day the mission has been completed and the Winter Soldier is brought back to base. The staff do what they are told. He is immediately debriefed, wiped and put back into cryo-freeze. You do not see him at all until it is too late and he is back in his metal pod. You are only in there because Stefan has taken you to see him when no-one else is about. It feels like you are having to sneak everywhere, as if you no longer belong.
The next day you are called to the Director's office. Jocelyn has long since been replaced by another woman; you do not catch her name and she tells you to go straight in.
The name on the door is Director Krupin.
The new director is sitting behind the desk. You guess him to be about 55, with hard, colourless eyes. But he smiles when you enter the room and it surprisingly lightens his face.
To you everything seems to have happened so fast.
"Glad to meet you at last...and you are on time, too." He stands up, shakes hands, and before you can sit down he guides you out of the office. "This way, this way." He leads you down the corridor to a large meeting room. When you arrive there is a mixture of people there. You recognise very few. You are confused but you realise later that he wanted you to walk in to the meeting with him; that way it looks as if you already know and have agreed with his plans.
You hadn't of course. You didn't even know what they were.
You see Doctor Jakobs look at you. He tries to smile and shakes his head no, warning you not to say anything. You are shocked at his appearance. His hair is turning white. He is looking old. You see Marinov arrive and Jakobs shrugs to show him he does not know why there are there either.
Your heart sinks even further.
Two more people enter; Stefan and one of the other assistants. They are directed to seats. Director Krupin politely gets you to sit on his right and he then sits at the head of the table so that you are cut off from everyone else. You are the only woman present until his secretary comes in. She sits at a small desk tucked away in the corner and is soon ready to take notes. You and everyone else soon forget she is there.
From what Stefan has told you, Krupin has been at the base on and off for the last year and a half. He is ex-KGB, appointed as the official new director answering to the people at the top only. He is Russian and you will shortly find out that he only has one way of doing things - his way. He pretends to be the courteous gentleman, always ready to hear what people have to say...before telling them how it is going to be.
Earlier, when Stefan was sure you could not be overheard, he warned you to be careful. Leonid Krupin is not the congenial person he seems at first glance.
At first you wonder why Krupin asked you along, you have nothing to say in any of the matters in hand. Each department is asked for a report on what is happening, bringing him up to date. After an hour you wish you could stand up; you are experiencing cramps from being in cryo freeze for so long and your head still aches.
At a quiet interval you reach over and pour some water into a glass to drink. Silence falls and you then realise they are watching you.
"Ah very rude of me not to introduce Freya Bowman. I'm sure not many of you will have had the chance to meet her yet - even though you all are aware of who she is."
You know you are blushing; it's as if a spotlight has been put on you. They know who you are but you do not know them; you are already at a disadvantage.
Krupin seems to rescue you.
"Which brings me onto the last thing I want to discuss with you and the main reason we are all here today."
Attention returns to him.
"The Winter Soldier and the timing of the missions," he says.
As you listen to him your eyes grow wide and a cold feeling hits you in the pit of your stomach. You look at Stefan who is across from you and you can see the shock on his face too. You know without looking that Jakobs and Marinov will be the same. Some people, those that you don't know, seem to be expecting this news.
Krupin is explaining that as from now, the Winter Soldier is to be put on a much tighter schedule. There will be far more missions. After all, Krupin explains, Hydra has a lot of work for him to do and a lot invested in him. Now that the camp is up and running things are to get busy. Very busy.
Therefore the only way to proceed is for the Winter Soldier to be brought out within less than six hours from cryo freeze, programmed within a shorter time frame as possible and sent straight out. Two extra men have been assigned to his team. When his mission is completed he will be debriefed, wiped and then immediately returned to cryo-freeze.
This, he says, has just been trialled at eight hours and they felt they could reduce it further to six and Krupin is pleased to say it worked well and this is how the base and the missions will be run from now on. They will also ensure that his training will be kept up to date if and when they can.
When he stops talking you expect protests, questions, but there is nothing. Some people, like Stefan and Jakobs are to stunned, others to frightened to displease the new director and the remainder have been working on this already and knew it was to happen.
You lean forward but he is already standing up to leave.
"But..." you want to tell him it won't work. The Winter Soldier is not an automaton, he is still human. What about food? What about rest? What about the effects of cryo-freeze?
But as you try to put your thoughts into words he talks across you, patting your hand.
"Bit of a shock for you I expect. Worried about your part in all this? Please don't worry, you won't be asked to leave. You're safe with us. We will still use you for the wake up period, of course, and we can find lots of other things for you to do...I expect there will be times when we will be glad to have a nurse on hand. You will of course not need to be put in cryo freeze along with him; that way you will always be here for your new duties."
That is not what you were going to say. You hadn't even thought of the repercussions this would have on you.
He knows what you were really going to say. He was told to expect it. He has stopped you in your tracks, deflected your arguments as he smiles down at you.
You look into his eyes and when he walks away you both know exactly where you stand.
*
The Present
You wait to hear the Winter Soldier is back from his latest mission and when finally you are allowed to see him he is back in cryo-freeze. You look down at him in the metal coffin with pity; you know how confining and restricted that space is.
His face is changing. It is narrower, cheek bones more properly defined, eyes sunken, the skin grey, colourless. He lies still, eyes closed. He no longer knows who or what he is. You and the doctors are concerned over his state of health. You have prepared reports, gone into meetings with Krupin, but he isn't interested; he doesn't see the problem. The Winter Soldier is fulfilling all his missions, he is taking information in and getting the job done, so what if there are a few minor hiccups they can be ironed out. After all, he says, Zola's serum will sort out any health issues that may crop up.
Looking at him now you think about how he was before he left for his last mission. You have heard a word you think described him: zombie. Dead eyes, pale flesh, no feelings, no life in him, a drone. But the damage being done is immense and you have to think of a way to get Krupin to realise this isn't working.
The Winter Soldier no longer shares a room with you. He is fed and dressed in a small room leading off from the main room. They never allow him to sleep, after all Krupin says, the Winter Soldier will sleep when he is in cryo-freeze.
You think of the problems you and the doctors have had in the short periods of time he has been out and you have been allowed near him. On the longer missions where he needs to eat he can't keep solid food down; they are back to giving him liquidised foods. The last time you tried to cut his hair you found lumps of it coming out in your hand, matted and lifeless.
He gets tremors in his muscles and terrible cramps which is the only time you hear him make any sound and that is only to cry out. He has less tone and strength in his body. His immune system is shot to hell.
He keeps shaking his head and wiping his eyes as he gets blurred vision. Twice he has been totally blind when first woken. He gets tinnitus so bad it causes him to hit his ears until they bleed.
And he is always cold. There are times when he is so cold he cannot stop shivering.
Programming is taking longer. There is more damage done each time, damage that then doesn't get the time it needs to heal. Even Peter and Elise have tried to explain to Krupin, but he doesn't seem to understand that the serum is unable to do its work when the Winter Soldier is in cryo-freeze. He also doesn't understand that the serum is unstable and can cause problems of its own.
You are petrified that the Winter Soldier will be injured, shot perhaps, and his body will not be able to repair itself. There is blood in his urine and the doctors say it is damage to his liver. Zola's serum is not keeping up with the pressure they are putting his body under.
They are having problems with the electronics in his arm failing and you have noticed he cannot hold the weight of it when it goes dead. His co-ordination at times, especially after programming, is off; it takes him longer to get control of his own body.
His team have become concerned about him especially out in the field. There are no feelings in him at all, not even his anger, his drive. He is unable to improvise if something unexpected happens. He cannot make decisions as fast as he once did. They are having to think for him. One day, one of the missions is going to blow up in their faces. They do all they can to protect him whilst he gets the job done but they know they are flying by the skin of their teeth.
He is a highly skilled assassin. The missions he is being sent out on are too many; they do not require his level of expertise. It is like using a mallet to crack an egg. This was not what they understood Project Winter Soldier to be. Most of the time now the assignments are petty, inconsequential, ridiculous.
And worse still, you cannot get the Winter Soldier to talk to you.
You don't know if he even hears or knows who you are any more. You are still there when they waken him. At the beginning he would wake fast and uptight, not knowing where he was, who he was, what was happening, panicked the times he was blind. A couple of times he has come close to hurting you badly before recognition would dawn and he would calm. Now when he wakes, after that first flicker of recognition, there is a flatness to his gaze: he just sits there until someone comes to take him for programming, no words, nothing, silence.
*
And then it happens. Disaster.
You and the doctors have dressed him and are ready to send him out. He looks awful: pale, lifeless. His team leader comes to collect him but as the Winter Soldier gets to his feet you see blood drip from his mask. He seems to stumble and staggers two steps before you and Jakobs catch him and help him down to his knees. Blood is now running freely though the mask; his nose is bleeding, the whites of his eyes are not just bloodshot they have large patches of solid red in them, the corneas look clouded. His ears are bleeding, the blood trickling down into his hair and literally dripping off the ends.
You get the mask off only to find he is also coughing up blood and you can feel any strength he had draining from his body.
Then he panics. He doesn't seem to know where he is or who he is.
The programming has totally failed.
They need to sedate him but he is fully clothed in battle gear and the needle will not go through the fabric. There is none of his usual strength, nothing; he can't even fight them. He looks up at you and you see recognition in his eyes and he speaks, softly - he begs you to help him. He tries to get up but his feet slip in the blood on the floor and as he goes down one of the doctors slips the needle into the back of his neck.
The look in his eyes as he goes down is dreadful. It is as if he is begging you to tell him what he did wrong.Total and utter bewilderment.
Director Krupin is called to the lab immediately and he is not happy. He has to decide whether or not to call off or delay the mission and he doesn't want to do either. He has made promises, and more importantly he has received payment. He can see the terrible state the Winter Soldier is in but it is as if he has blinkers on and refuses to concede that he is at fault.
Whilst he looks into the options he orders that the Winter Soldier is to be wiped and put back into cryo-freeze.
They had only ever wiped him in an unconscious state once before; it is not something that should be done. It is unnerving to see his body buck and hear the groans that come from him despite him being unconscious. Very soon he is back in his metal coffin and you pray that, like you, he does not dream whilst he is in there.
He cannot go on like this.
The mission is cancelled.
*
Another long day of hopelessness, asking to see Krupin and being turned down again. Leaving reports with his secretary that you know are ignored. Even his secretary is exasperated, taking calls and having people continually asking her to get him to contact them, knowing he won't.
The Winter Soldier is still in cryo after the last failure but you know Krupin is even now planning on pulling him out for the next mission. Peter rarely confides in you but he does this time. They have been given the new script to programme the Winter Soldier with. He does not show you it but complains that it is a mission that is not fit for someone like their assassin; it is to take down some government official's wife's lover in a jealous spat. You cringe at the word assassin but you understand Peter's anger. This is not what he was created for. He is there to go on missions where no one else can get close, his level of expertise is failing as his health fails. Peter asks if you cannot do something, anything.
Nothing though will change Krupin's mind; he says he is under pressure from the top. So many jobs being put their way, so many people needing to die. But you now know why Krupin is so keen on sending his pet out on missions, why there are so many. Money. There is so much money to be made and he is the one making it.
Another day wasted and tomorrow they will awaken the Winter Soldier. Nothing you can do or say will stop it. Unknown to Krupin, Stefan has helped you move to a room on the third floor near the cryo freeze. Although it was noted by some people, they think of it as being inconsequential and so no one thinks of telling him. You have also managed to pull some more of your things out of storage. You turn in for the night thinking you won't sleep but you always do.
*
The Winter Soldier is dying, and because it senses this the serum is trying to wake him from his death sleep. It is trying to rebuild his memories, to motivate him, anything to persuade the cold body to want to survive, to live. He comes awake gasping for breath, momentarily blind that he does not see the white mist encircling him but he can feel it sucking his breath away; he is inhaling it and he coughs. His chest hurts from the coldness of the air and his eyes close again. But the serum is still trying to do its work.
He is so cold. It is the only thing he knows. His joints are stiff; he can barely move. He cannot remember where he is, who he is, or what is happening but there is a voice telling him he needs to get out of the metal casket he is in. Has he been buried alive? His brain is too exhausted to be able to think; his body needs to use it's survival instincts only, it cannot rely on his mind.
His body is still frozen in places, and in others the pain is bad where his muscles try to stretch and where the blood is trying to force itself through veins that are too narrow for it. His brain is one big dark place. In his mind all he can see is a picture of a woman turning into a room and closing a door. Somehow he knows he needs to get to that room, to that door, to find the woman. She will help: she will stop the pain, she will help him get away from this nightmare.
By touch alone he tries to find something, anything, but there is nothing buried in with him. His hands feel along the edges inside but his fingers will not work properly. The bones in his right hand are still frozen and in his haste he hears several of his fingers snap. There is no pain from the broken bone but he knows from instinct that it will follow. Scratches appear in his flesh where he tries to move around and sharp edges gouge into his flesh. His brain is trying to clamp down on the panic filling his chest; he is breathing too fast taking in too much of the air. He cannot hear anything and his lungs are gasping for warmth. Slowly he begins to realise he can see light. It shines above him through a panel, a pane of glass.
In a fit of panic he hits the glass panel with his left hand and sees the glass crack and that sends him into an utter frenzy, beating at the glass again and again until finally it gives and shatters sending bits of glass both inward and outwards. But still he does not stop, he uses his right hand to scrabble around through the hole but all that does is cause deep scratches in his palm and fingers; some scratches so deep from the broken glass that they sever important muscles until his hand is of no use anymore and will not respond to what he is trying to do.
His brain tries to send him messages to calm down, to think, but it is so difficult, it is so cold. For a moment he stops, his eyes close and if it were not for a sudden loud hissing sound he would have slept again and never woken. But the hissing continues and the air is not so cold any more. Unknown to him he has hit a switch on the side of the pod that has started the count down to bring him out of cryo freeze. But the pod is still latched closed. Someone is needed to actually release it for the pod to open.
Again the panic starts to over take; despite the warmer air he is still so cold and his body shudders and he cannot stop shivering. His eyesight is poor and his hearing hums as if he is under water. He vaguely remembers the power of his left hand and starts to hammer on the inside cover of the pod; this hand and arm have greater power than the flesh and blood one and it takes all his poor strength and determination to keep hitting the metal until finally something gives. There is a loud grating noise and the top of the pod comes open and he desperately struggles to get out landing hard on the floor and in his exhaustion, he loses consciousness once again.
It is an hour before he comes around. He is lying in a pool of cold water, some of it already freezing around his body. Although he has turned the pod off the room itself is still at freezing point. He tries to stand but his legs won't work. There are small trails of blood over his body from deep wounds, the cold at least is preventing him from bleeding to death. His right hand is useless and with his left he tries to pull himself over the cold tiled floor, digging the metal into the spaces between the tiles. All he can think of is the woman and the safety she offers.
He must get to her.
He doesn't know how he does it but he gets to the doorway and pulls himself up. He blinks to try and clear his eyesight. He beats ineffectually on the door.
"Help me," he tries to say, but barely any sound comes out. His breath mists out in front of him.
There is no-one to hear him. When he is in cryo-freeze once the daily checks are done there is no-one manning the room. He is totally alone.
The cold is still trying to win him over, trying to lull him back into sleep. He tries to block its seduction and with more luck than anything else he hits the panel to open the door and falls through it.
Although the next room is not particularly warm it feels like a sauna to his frozen body. One again he lies where he has fallen. The marrow in some bones is still frozen solid; how he is alive, yet alone conscious, is a testament to Zola's serum. He focuses on the next doorway. He knows instinctively this leads to the corridor. He pulls himself forward to one of the consoles and uses that to help him stand.
His blood is running more freely now and water is dripping from his hair. Small bits of glass are caught in his hair and slivers have slipped under his skin to add their own damage.
"Please help me," he tries to say; to whom he doesn't know because there is no-one there. He leans against the console cradling his broken hand. He rests his head against the wall and blinks to try and clear his eyesight.
He is so tired, wants to sink to the floor, to give up, and his blurred eyes begin to sting when he begins to cry, his nose begins to run. "Please someone hep me," he whispers. But he only has himself.
He looks at the doorway; it looks a million miles away. He keeps having to blink, to clear his eyesight, which is still fogged. For moment a bout of nausea hits him and he bends over and before he can stop it he retches but nothing comes up. The convulsion hurts all through his body as it pulls muscles taut. Cramps work their way through his calves making him cry out. Before he can stop he falls again and lets go of the console.
Darkness claims him.
This time he is sure it is a voice that wakes him, but when he opens his eyes the voice stops and there is no-one there. He can still hear the echo of it in his mind; it makes no sense. "Come, on Buck. Come on, son," it had whispered.
He knows that voice. But not where he had heard it.
He lies on the floor in a widening pool of blood and closes his eyes again.
"Come on son, give your old man a hand with something will you?"
"I can't," he murmurs.
"You don't think I still love you?" the voice asks and his eyes flutter open; there is still no-one there yet when he closes them he could swear there is a shadow on his eyelids. An older man crouching down, cajoling him to move.
"Son, if you don't move you will die. You still have so much to do, so much to suffer through, before you can come to us. I know it hurts, Buck, and I am so sorry; I wish I could bear the burden with you but I can't. So come on. You can do this."
Without opening his eyes, the Winter Soldier struggles up and its as if he can feel an arm around him, helping him, and a voice now whispering: "I love you son, come on." He grabs hold of the corner of the console and feels a strength he didn't feel before, a light headiness. The ghost whispers to him once more: "Jesus, it's cold. Let's go and warm up." And suddenly he knows who it is.
"Dad," he whispers and opens his eyes but he is still alone. He does not know who he is, he does not remember anything, but he knows deep down in his gut he had a father who loved him.
Who really knows if it is the ghost of his father helping him, or his mind digging for memories, creating and remembering words to help him survive.
He looks towards the door again and this time staggers to reach it; it seems so far away. He falls against it and it swings open and he crashes down on to the corridor floor, groaning as his knees hit the cold concrete.
It is amazing that there is no-one around, no-one to help him, but maybe in the long run it is a good thing as they would have called for Krupin. Maybe, for once, someone is on the Winter Soldier's side.
He leans against the wall and looks down the corridor. He can see the door he needs to get to, and in his mind once more he sees the woman entering it. Freya. Her name is Freya. Gritting his teeth and leaving wet, bloody footprints on the floor, and bloodied hand prints on the wall he staggers down to it.
It is not locked. He fumbles with this left hand to push the handle down and the door opens. There is a small lamp on in the room casting shadows and he can see a double bed. Drunkenly he stumbles over to it; the door swings shut behind him. He looks down at the sleeping figure; she is turned on her side, away from him. He can already feel the heat of her body, the softness of her skin. He is clumsy as he moves the sheets back and falls into the bed startling the occupant but before she can turn he wraps his arms around her and pulls her body to him, nestles his face into her hair.
He can relax now. He has arrived. He is safe.
*
When you wake you are lying on your side asleep in the bed you would once have shared with the Winter Soldier. You are startled into wakefulness by a bump, and then you feel the bed dip down as if someone is getting in next to you. The next thing you know is utter freezing coldness as the Winter Soldier's arms fold around your middle drawing you to him. His flesh is freezing cold and wet. His muscles tensed, solid, and you can feel his bones where he has become so thin.
"So cold..help me, please help me," his voice shakes, his whole body trembling.
At first you don't move. You think you must be dreaming, but the cold is seeping into you and his left arm starts to burn your skin where the cold metal is directly touching your skin. You try to move but you can't and as soon as he feels you move his grip tightens more.
"Don't leave me. I'm so cold...help me. Please help me." This time the voice is followed by deep shivers and you can hear his teeth chattering. His breath smells foetid, almost like something is rotting inside of him. The smell is on his flesh to and you feel a drip of water fall on your shoulder from his hair.
"Oh God..." You try to turn, but you can't. He has you in a deadlock and if you don't do something soon you are both going to be in serious trouble. "Let me go so I can help you. I won't leave you...let me help you." You tug at his right arm but the flesh is freezing cold and stiff. His grip only tightens like a vice. You take your hand away and see blood on it. You look down at his arms; they are scratched and then you look at his hands clasped together. There is something wrong with his right one, it is blue against the marbled flesh and the fingers look misshapen. On his left hand some of the metal is dented and bent.
Outside the door in the corridor you hear a distant alarm go off.
"Please, listen to me, you have to let me go so I can help you." But you don't think he can take in what you are saying; instead he just tries to hold you tighter and you feel his legs wrap around yours. Your warmth is leaching out, the cold starting to move into your bones. If he holds you any tighter those bones will start to crack.
In the corridor you hear people running. It is no use trying to call out as they will not hear you; he has such a tight grip on you, you are finding it difficult to draw a deep breath yet alone speak. You wrack your brain, trying to work out what you can do.
You trying pushing backwards with all your strength. He is immovable.
"Freya," his voice is so quiet and you close your eyes. He said your name. He knows who you are.
"You have to let me go. I can't help you whilst you're holding me, please, please let me go." But he cannot hear you. His mind is slipping into unconsciousness.
The phone on the bedside table rings and you try and reach it but you can't; it is mere inches out of your reach but you can reach the cable for it so instead you pull the wire and the phone slides onto the floor.
"Help me please," you cry out, as loud as you can, but even then your voice is quiet. You pray the connection hasn't broken. You can hear a tinny voice calling your name.
The Winter Soldier won't let you go. He doesn't know he is killing you. He is back with you, he needs you so badly, he needs to feel your warmth, to know you are there.
His Constant.
The cold has seeped into your bones and you are still having difficulty breathing; his hold is too constricting. Where the metal arm is against bare skin it has stuck and burns through layers of skin. The room seems to have dropped in temperature. You are not sure if it has or it is your imagination. You cannot get free and you are beginning to feel so tired.
Is it worth the struggle?
He is with you, that is all that matters. Perhaps it is better for both of you this way. Instead of fighting any more you move your whole body back against him, moulding it to fit his.
"Its all right, James...you're all right now...I'm here...you're not alone any more," you say softly and you feel him relax. You could cry. Why does he always have to suffer? Why does the world keep thinking of new ways to hurt him? Has he been conscious all along trying to get back to you? Trying to get back to the only world he knows?
Your arms go around his holding your waist and you close your eyes. You can both sleep now.
*
"Freya! Freya! Come on, dammit, wake up." Someone slaps you around the face. They are shouting at you, hauling you up and shaking you.
You open your eyes but the light is too bright. The alarm in your room is going off as well as the one out in the corridor, the noise is horrendous.
"Oh thank God." The person hugs you and you realise you are standing up but you don't know where you are.
"Sleep. Let me go to sleep." You are annoyed with being woken.
"Freya, what happened here...Freya...oh no! No you don't...you're not going back to sleep!" Stefan shakes you again.
You hear voices, yelling, footsteps.
"Freya...what?" Stefan's attention is interrupted by Jakobs and he turns his head to listen to him. He then turns back to you.
He slaps you lightly on the cheek. "Freya, Freya, listen. James needs you, he's hurt...Freya can you hear me? Christ, she's so cold."
You are so close to sleep again but something triggers in the back of your mind. A dressing gown is being wrapped around you; Stefan struggling to get your arms in the sleeves and then fasten it up.
James. They mentioned James.
You struggle to open your eyes and find Stefan holding you. He repeats what he said and you begin to blink rapidly trying to wake up, trying to understand what he is telling you.
Something about James.
Then you remember and you are awake, shaking your head to try and banish the sleepiness.
"Oh my God..." You blink again and you are looking at Stefan.
"James..." You turn in his arms and see Jakobs knelt on the bed, trying to wedge something into the Winter Soldier's mouth; he is convulsing and even standing where you are you can feel the cold coming off him.
"Oh Christ. Oh no, no, no!"
"Are you awake...are you okay..." Stefan asks and you are nodding, trying to get him to let go. You are unsteady on your feet but your training takes over.
Between the three of you you manage to get the wooden wedge into the Winter Soldier's mouth; he is now bleeding and foaming and has bitten his tongue.
The convulsions are dying down but you know that could mean his heart will stop pumping and you need to get him help as soon as you can. You need to get his temperature up so Zola's serum can start to do its work.
His breathing is shallow, rasping, and he has stopped shivering. That is a bad sign. A very bad sign. "His pupils are dilated...bloodshot, right through." Jakobs is trying to wake him but he is unconscious.
You can see the deep scratches on his body, blood soaking into the sheets. Jakobs is wrapping cloth around other cuts. In some places you cannot tell what are bruises and what is cold marbled skin.
Stefan is searching through drawers, pulling out blankets, sheets, anything that can warm him up. He has sent two guards to find more. He passes some to you and you pack them up against the sides of his body and legs, around his head. You have to get him warmer. His flesh is so pale, so blue it reminds you of when your first saw him in the field camp.
Jakobs has the Winter Soldier's wrist and is trying to find his pulse; he is frowning and you feel so helpless, you turn to Stefan but he doesn't know what to say to you. Jakobs points out damage on the Winter Soldier's hand. The nails are bloodied, cracked and broken off. The skin on the end of the fingers is raw and bloody. Several of the fingers are broken and will need a splint.
"Got it!" If Jakobs has found a pulse it then it means the Winter Soldier must be warming up; slowly but surely all the same and once that happens there is hope.
You know deep down it was doubtful that he would die but what would happen if his body was repaired but his brain is too damaged for the serum to do its work properly? You know from experience what the cold can do to people.
"You're bleeding." Stefan reaches out and turns you around to face him. You look down and there is blood on your dressing gown but you don't know where it's from. You shake your head, no but then pain hits you and you gasp. Where the metal had attached itself to you it has taken the skin off. The burns are minor but need attention.
"It's nothing," you try to say but you feel faint; it is dawning on you how close you came to death.
Stefan fetches a medical kit to dress your injuries and you reach down to the chair and slowly lower yourself into it. Your knees are turning to jelly.
"Will he be all right?" you ask Jakobs because you want to hear someone say it.
He nods and tries to smile, he looks so tired these days. "He's alive, and that's a start," he says.
You sit there watching him sleep. Jakobs and Stefan stay with you, there is a guard inside and outside the room and that is how Krupin finds you.
He has been briefed on what has happened.
A late night inspection discovered the Winter Soldier's cryo freeze chamber empty and bloodied footprints across the floor of the rooms and then leading down the corridor. The alarm was sounded. Stefan was called as part of the cryo-freeze team and he had phoned your room to let you know what had happened. He heard your voice and came straight to you, only to find the guards arriving at the same time - they had been following the footsteps.
When they entered you were both in bed. The Winter Soldier was curled around you and you were holding onto his arms, your legs threaded through his. Both of you were deathly pale and the room was so cold. Stefan had hit the alarm in your room and they then had to try and get the Winter Soldier to let go of you.
Krupin is infuriated.
He demands an immediate investigation. Who let him out is his main concern. He wants the Winter Soldier returned to cryo-freeze and it is only Jakob's and Stefan's stern objections that stop him. They convince him that if he is put back straight away there could be a chance that they would lose him completely. The serum needs a chance to work on him.
After a lot of argument, Krupin reluctantly agrees and says he will return in the morning. By then he expects the Winter Soldier to be well enough to return to the chamber. To him the Winter Soldier is just a weapon; he has never spent time with him, never watched as he wakens, never sees the damage being done.
Jakobs watches him go. He has to do something. This can't continue. He feels it is his fault. If he hadn't murdered Lehmann then none of this would have happened. These days he doesn't know what is wrong and what is right. He no longer trusts himself to choose. But this?
Something needs to happen.
When the furore has died down, there is only one guard left outside and Jakobs has gone. Marinov has arranged for two extra heaters to be put in your room and had made you drink hot sweetened tea. It is disgusting, you pull a face but he is adamant that you drink it. Somehow it does make you feel better.
You have crawled back into the bed and curled up next to the Winter Soldier. You can feel the heat coming off his body. The serum is definitely at work, but what needs doing will not be accomplished within merely a day, especially if he is put back in cryo-freeze.
Stefan has fallen asleep in the chair in the in the corner. He will not leave either of you.
Ten hours later, Krupin still hasn't come back. The Winter Soldier has regained consciousness only to fall into a natural sleep once he saw you next to him. Stefan has left to see if he can find out what is happening.
You are worried when two hours later no-one has come back, but you do not want to leave the Winter Soldier's side. You have dressed and have pulled the chair up next to the bed. One of the guards brought food for you to eat and you asked him if he had seen Marinov; he shakes his head, nothing has been heard. You try to phone but no one picks up and so you sit and wait.
You can feel the heat from the Winter Soldier's body and his flushed face. From time to time he stirs and you get him to drink some water, you need to keep him hydrated. You put your hand on his arm, whisper that he is all right, he is safe. You tell him to sleep and he does.
It is another four hours before Krupin arrives and he is not happy. Zola is with him, and he doesn't know how Zola has heard about what happened.
Zola is furious. He had no idea of the short duration and the many missions the Winter Soldier has been sent on. He has been told of the deterioration in the Winter Soldier's health and he can see that just by looking at him. These days he has so many other projects on the go he rarely gave a thought to this one thinking it was in safe hands. And, more importantly, he has also been told the truth - that Krupin is using the Winter Soldier as a hired gun, accepting large amounts of money for the missions.
Feathering his own nest.
Krupin ignores you, but Zola doesn't. He takes your hand, patting it; you want to let go, you don't want to touch this man. With all the commotion the Winter Soldier is waking and you can see how Zola is shocked at his appearance.
Zola stands arguing with Krupin at the end of the bed. Both men talking about the soldier as if he isn't there. "He needs to go back into cryo-freeze straight away," Krupin is arguing, he wants to get everything back on track. "I have missions lining up."
Zola turns to him, so angry now. "That is another thing. I understand you have been charging for the missions. Large amounts of money seem to be showing up in an account under your name!"
"Well of course, it is all funding for the project. I can assure you..." Zola does not want to hear any more. The man has been using the Winter Soldier to line his own pockets.
"My serum needs time to repair his body." Zola is clutching a report in his hand which lists the problems the doctors are encountering but he can see the devastation for himself.
"Where did you get that?" Krupin demands.
"That doesn't matter! What matters is is that I have it...what did you think you were doing? This isn't how this should be run. The missions, if you can call them that, are too many, the timing impractical...look at the havoc it has caused!"
"I can't see a problem. Everything has teething problems. He has fulfilled every mission. Look, we'll leave him out for 24 hours and then put him back in and maybe every six months we can do a... "
It is at that point they hear the Winter Soldier talking but not to them. He is talking to you. He is trying to get up and you are trying to stop him. It is you he is focused on. It is you he is begging.
"Don't let them put me back. Don't let them put me back in the dark." He is clutching your arm as you try and coax him to stay still, to stay in the bed.
He is looking at you properly for the first time in what seems an age; his eyes wide, still bloodshot and flecked, his skin burning hot and sweat glistening off his body, his hair damp and stuck to his brow. "Don't let them put me back..." He keeps repeating, holding on to you tight; he doesn't want to let go.
It is the first time Krupin has ever heard him speak.
Your attention is fully on the Winter Soldier and you tell him quietly that you won't let them.
Stefan comes into the room, taking in the scene, and goes straight to Krupin and Zola. He is not sure who to speak to so he tells both of them.
"No one let the Winter Soldier out," he says quietly, diverting their attention away from you. You listen to what he says.
Krupin frowns and Stefan hurries on. "The pod has been broken open from the inside... " He can't forget the damage he has seen. Scratching on the inside hood, blood covering what is left of the glass plating, the metal beaten. Blood and broken nails staining the whole inside as someone tried to break out; as the Winter Soldier tried to free himself.
"Don't be stupid man, he was frozen," Krupin starts but Stefan for once speaks over him.
"We checked the camera footage from that room. It shows it happening. It took him hours and when he finally gets out he collapses on the floor." He turns to Zola. "We've set it up so you can view the footage yourself. Once he gets the strength to move he makes his way here...it's..." he is trying to think of a way to explain it but he can't. "Sir you can't put him back, even if you decide to the pod is badly damaged and needs repairing. It will take days."
Zola looks at Krupin.
"I think we need to view this film and then talk about your future here don't you?" Then, surprisingly, he walks over so he can talk to the Winter Soldier and for a moment he forgets himself.
"Sergeant Barnes, you do not need to worry, you will not be going back into cryo freeze for the moment. You need to rest and let this young lady look after you. Things I promise you, will change." Then to you he smiles, nods and leaves with Krupin.
Your heart nearly stopped when Zola forgot himself for a moment and called the Winter Soldier Sergeant Barnes, but the soldier is still too damaged to realise. You make him lie back down; he needs a shower, feeding, his wounds need seeing to, but for now he needs to sleep.
You go to take your hand away but he grabs hold of it. "Don't leave me."
You put your other hand over his. "I won't, I'm here, I'm not going anywhere," you kiss his forehead.
You watch over him for the rest of the day, another meal is brought in for you which you gratefully eat. You ask for them to bring some soup and you coax him into drinking it. You get a bowl of hot water and wipe down his body, changing the water several times. You change the bandages. You see there is still blood in his urine and discuss with Doctor Jakobs about a course of antibiotics. You try to make him as comfortable as possible. That night you crawl into bed with him again and although sleepy he holds you to him.
Tomorrow you will start to put him back together again.
*
Leonid Krupin is taken off base and told he is being promoted to keep him silent. He is given something more suited to his calling. Something far away. Should he have an accident on his way to his new posting then it would be a shame but so be it.
These things happen.
People need to realise, money is not what Hydra is after - it wants power: pure unadulterated all encompassing power.
And God forbid anyone who stands in its way.
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I wrote this chapter of The Constant about 2 years ago and after I saw a piece of incredible art work by the fantastic Luckyraeve I added in the first paragraph to it. This is the link for the picture that inspired this paragraph:
http://luckyraeve.tumblr.com/image/88637493297
If you get a chance do also look around her Tumblr account, her art is amazing: http://luckyraeve.tumblr.com/
She and another great Tumblr person Monicawoe, have written a superb Winter Soldier comic together called 'How they make you a weapon':
http://howtheymakeyouaweapon.tumblr.com/
They are both awesome people!