James Barnes - Nightmares
James notices a difference, but it takes him a few days to realise things had changed so drastically. His nurse is with him all of the time now and the only orderlies he sees are the one who worked with her. They are kind, attentive and he sees they do not carry batons. The guards are different as well. He no longer sees the two who helped rape him.
Freya has told him that things would be different, and he begins to believe her and begins to hope.
He is also feeling better. His wounds are healing, and he has not been taken to the main room in over a week. They are allowing the worst of his injuries to heal first before they begin to create any more. The food he is given to eat is fresh, palatable and there is always plenty of water. The drip is kept on when needed and he is now able to make do with only a low percentage of the morphine.
He doesn't feel so dizzy all the time and he actually begins to feel stronger in himself. Several times a day they allow him to get out of bed. At first he was able to manage only a few steps, but now he is able to walk with their help down the corridor. The guards walk with them, but James knows he is still not in a position to be of harm to anyone.
The straps on the bed are gone completely and he can sleep in any position he needs to to get comfortable. If he needs the bathroom during the night he only has to ask. They are talking of turning the storage room next to his into a toilet and he knows his nurse is now sleeping on this floor. She is there any time he needs her.
His room and bed are kept clean. He has regular showers, and clean clothes - even his own toothbrush. They have exchanged the gowns for pyjamas so that he doesn't feel so exposed, so vulnerable.
Unbeknown at first to his nurse and orderlies, Doctor Lehmann pays him a visit during the first week of changes. He doesn't want the patient to get to comfortable, he wants him to know what is at stake, he wants to keep lowering his defences.
Keep him on edge.
He speaks in broken English, but it is good enough for James to understand what Lehmann is telling him.
Lehmann first tells him that they have changed the way he is looked after to show how generous they are. He tells him they will begin again the important work and that there are still many trials and tribulations ahead of him - in other words, they will start to hurt him again soon. And, he says, they are very pleased with his progress.
"The nurse was clever in what she told us, Sergeant Barnes." Lehmann sits on the edge of the bed and James would have liked to have moved away from him but he doesn't feel he can - doesn't want to show he is cowed by this man.
A guard stands in the room, but James can see Lehmann feels safe enough to come this close. His old self would have tried something, anything but now he is beaten - almost broken - it is all he can do to survive each day without any hope of ever being free.
"The other nurses, orderlies pssht... Lehmann clicks his fingers suddenly which makes his patient jump.
"...gone, dead, rotting in the ground as we speak." He smiles, but it doesn't reach his eyes.
Lehmann gets up and wanders around the room picking up objects and putting them down again speaking in his own language, James has no clue as to what he is saying.
Eventually, the doctor comes back to his bedside. "The nurse she is smart. Do you like her?"
James does not answer. He does not know if it is question or Lehmann is just confirming something.
"Come now. We are both men! I asked if you like her?" he says, and James realises an answer is needed. His mind is still easily confused and he feels a fog descending. Is this a test? A trick? What does he say? His ears begin to buzz and it feels like he cannot hear properly so he is unsure as to whether his answer is heard or not because his voice is so quiet.
"Yes," he nods as he says it. Then he struggles to add more "...she...is very kind."
Lehmann laughs. "Oh yes, but come now we are men ..." James feels disturbed when Lehmann winks lewdly "...kind but strong. We will have to watch her." He waves his hand at the guard. "The guards are not just here for you, they are for her as well. Any false step and psssht...she will be gone to join the others. Another rotting corpse." He smiles inside when he sees James' eyes widen.
James hopes he has heard wrong, he begins to feel sick inside. He starts to get hot, to sweat and he feels that the air is being sucked from the room.
"Oh yes, she likes you, in fact we know she is in love with you. Tell me Sergeant Barnes, how much do you like her, hmm? Enough to care what happens to her? You do not want to lose her, no?" He leans closer and now James sees a cruel glint in his eye.
This man is dangerous.
"Over the next few months you will start to feel stronger. Your mind will be clearer and as such it would be stupid of us not to think that you will consider escaping. You are deep underground, this facility is surrounded by forest and manned by thousands of soldiers and is in the middle of nowhere and as such there is no where to go. You would not even be able to get off this floor. I want you to understand this so you do not waste the time trying.
The other thing you may think of is to hurt yourself. You gave us all quite a scare the last time. But your body is now better at healing itself, and it would be stupid of you to even consider suicide. It would not work, do you understand? In time you will come around to our way of thinking, but for now let me tell you something that may help you make up your mind." He is studying James, and James cannot tear his gaze away. "The nurse, this Freya, she is made responsible for you and I am making you responsible for her, you understand?"
James cannot move, his mouth is dry, the hum in his ears is getting louder, moving into his brain. He is trying to breathe but the air is not getting into his lungs.
"One false step from you and she will be shot. One from her and the same will happen. I expect you to..." he looks about to find the right word "...work with us and she is told the rules, if we find her breaking them then she will be gone, pssssht." He clicks his fingers again and the noise seems louder this time as if it is a rifle shot.
He pats James' arm and stands back up. "I take it, Sergeant Barnes, that you understand what I am telling you hmm?"
James is still finding it difficult to breathe. He nods and gulps and can feel his heart thud. He doesn't want to be alone again. He doesn't want to think of her dead. He doesn't want to think of what would happen if he did something wrong or if she did.
Oh God I can't breathe, there's no air. He is blinking rapidly, trying to clear his sight.
Lehmann sees the panic in his eyes, hears the trouble the patient is having breathing.
Perfect.
He turns to the guard. "Get the nurse," he says, calmly, and the guard hurries out.
Lehmann turns back to James. "I see you understand. We understand together, yes?" He smiles again.
James can hear his heartbeat thudding louder in his ears. He can't get enough oxygen. He is struggling to sit up, his hand clenching the blanket, he feels so hot, so claustrophobic, panic is taking over.
Lehmann watches him struggling, all the time inspecting him like an insect trapped on a board. He makes no move to help. He knows he has the patient just where he wants him.
The nurse comes running in with the orderly. She sees the state the patient is in straight away.
"What happened?" She goes straight to her patient, helping him sit up. She looks at Lehmann and repeats her question.
"We were just having a little chat," Lehmann says.
She frowns.
She turns back to James. Stefan is one side, she is the other, but they are not crowding him.
She talks to the patient in English.
"Its all right. Take it slowly, look at me, look at me." He does, eyes wide, sweat on his forehead and top lip. He grabs her hand, trying to concentrate on her - her words. She sees the utter panic in his eyes. "Breathe slowly, in and out, like me." She puts his hand on her chest and breathes in and out and then she puts it on his. "Thats it, in...out, slowly."
She can see he is trying to do what she says.
"Well, Nurse, I will leave him in your capable hands," she hears Lehmann say. She ignores him. Her whole attention is on James, she doesn't look away from him, just keeps talking quietly, gently, until she can see he is getting his breathing under control.
Lehmann leaves them to it. He is pleased with how the interview went. His English lessons are coming on so well.
James is starting to hear things properly again. He can hear what she is saying, and he lessens his grip on her hand. She smiles. She indicates Stefan, who is holding a drink of water, and Stefan helps James hold it so he can drink. He is exhausted, dark circles under his eyes, his skin still pale and sweaty but the heat is dissipating and they help him lie back down. He feels the softness of the pillow behind him and wants so badly to close his eyes and be away from this place.
The doctor has threatened to take his nurse away, and the thought terrifies him. It is not just the fact that she is kind. She is the only thing he has left in the world, they have taken everything else. He can't lose her, the thought makes him sick inside.
He feels her let go of his hand and opens his eyes as she goes to move.
"Don't go." His voice is rusty, hoarse, full of panic and he makes a grab for her hand. But then he sees she is pulling up a chair to sit beside him, and he feels safe once again
She leans in and sweeps his hair away from his forehead.
"We will need to cut this again. It grows so fast that it will be longer than mine soon." She is trying to distract him, trying to get him to relax and it works.
He tries to return her smile and it breaks her heart to see.
"Sleep. I won't leave I promise. I'll be right here." He looks deep into her eyes and knows she won't leave him. He knows he is being selfish keeping her here, but he cannot do without her now. He will do everything they tell him to, he will give them no cause to take her away.
Stefan comes over and talks quietly to her and then passes her a drink and some files, then leaves.
Once or twice James opens his eyes but she is still there, her feet are propped on the side frame of his bed and she is writing and reading the paperwork propped on her knees. He drifts off listening to the rustling of the paper.
He is in a forest, one he recognises. The rustling of the paper has become rustling of the branches overhead.
It is snowing, gentle flakes that land on his blue jacket. He is lying on the cold ground. He tries to blink away the flakes on his eyelashes, tries to lift his hand. He looks down. He has no hand on his left side, there is just a ragged mess above his elbow.
His heart starts to thud.
He can hear snow crunching underfoot as someone starts to walk towards him, someone blond, someone he knows.
Steve.
"Steve..." he tries to call him.
Steve is in the distance, looking around, looks straight at him and then away again.
"I can't find him. Bucky's not here." James hears him say.
"Steve, Steve I'm here! Over here!" But he can't move, he can't attract Steve's attention, his voice is so quiet that no one can hear him.
He tries to shout. "Steve...Steve..." But Steve has turned and is walking away from him now. "No, no, Steve, I'm here, don't leave me, don't leave me." He is crying, he is desperate, his legs won't work, he can't move even though he is doing everything he can to try.
For a moment the figure of Steve seems to waver, ripple.
Then it is as if Steve hears him and turns around and starts to move forward, starts to move towards him.
Hope blooms in Bucky's chest.
"Thank God. Steve you have to..." But as the man comes closer, there is something wrong with Bucky's eyesight, the figure is no longer clear, it wavers.
He blinks, wipes his eyes with his right hand.
Then it clears.
The man walks up to him and leans in and Bucky tries to cry out when he sees who it is. It is the scientist Zola, the one who experimented on him. Steve has gone.
"No..." he murmurs in his sleep. The nurse looks up.
"Ah, Sergeant Barnes...." Zola is smiling, reaching out to touch him "...the procedure has already started."
He tries to shrink back away from the man's hand but he can't. He can still see the flakes of snow falling, still feels the cold, sees Zola's face smiling and then he is being moved - dragged along the ground.
"Steve help me, Steve!" Bucky sees the figure of Steve in the distance, shield grasped firmly on his arm, still walking away, still leaving him. Bucky tries to cry out, but his voice is just a whisper.
Dreams are strange things, nightmares are worse. You believe them when you are trapped within them. You cannot escape. Things and locations change, but your mind accepts them, readjusts itself.
A moment ago he was out in the forest with Zola but now he is in the main room. He is on the table, strapped down and he still can't move, he is trapped.
People are walking around dressed for a medical operation. They wear masks over their mouths and noses but he still knows who they are. He recognises Lehmann. Lehmann has not pulled his mask up yet, his smile is predatory as he looks at Bucky. He steps closer and brings up the tool he has in his hand, it is a small bone saw and he starts it.
"No, no, don't....don't , no please don't." Bucky is begging him, trying so hard to get free but instead he can hear the saw.
"First we remove what remains of your left arm, then all of your right and then your legs. You will never be able to escape us then," Lehmann says to him as he brings his mask up to cover his mouth.
"Little bit by little bit..." Lehmann lowers the blade to what remains of Bucky's left arm and he feels the blade cut into him and screams.
"Its all right! Its all right! Can you hear me, you're having a nightmare. You're safe, James." Someone is shaking him awake, gentle hands touch him and he opens his eyes. His heart is thumping and he looks around thinking Lehmann is still there with the saw. "Its all right, its all right."
He sees his nurse instead.
"Lehmann, he's going to...he's going to cut off the rest of my arm, he's going to..." he is babbling, verging on the edge of hysteria.
"Its all right James, Lehmanns not here."
He releases the breath that he was holding. He is trembling.
She is sitting on the side of the bed, one hand on his forehead. He can feel her cool skin, her other hand is the other side of him leaning on the bed clothes. She smiles at him but he can see the worry in her eyes and he closes his briefly, trying to get himself under control.
"Zola, I saw Zola as well," he says.
He looks back at her.
"No one here but you and me...oh, and him." She indicates the guard who is sat on a chair inside the room, frowning at them.
She turns to the guard. "Just a nightmare nothing to worry about," she says in Russian.
He nods.
She turns back to James.
"You're okay." She touches his shoulder. "Would you like a drink?" she asks.
He nods and she stands to fetch one whilst he takes a deep breath, trying to calm his heart, staring at the ceiling.
It had seemed so real. He was back in the forest where the patrol had found him, he saw Steve but Steve couldn't see him, and then Zola was there. Whats happening to his mind?
Steve, God, wherever you are please help me. Please get me out of here. Please Steve help me, I need you so badly.
He has never needed Steve so much as he needs him now. He closes his eyes for a moment.
The nurse is back and helps him drink, then puts the cup down.
She knows the guard doesn't speak English but she knows she has to be careful. She sits on the side of the bed.
"What did Doctor Lehmann say to you?" she asks quietly. She thinks that whatever it was has triggered the nightmare. She knows Lehmann; whatever he said must have caused the panic attack and this.
He knows that he can't tell her the truth. Lehmann had intimated that the nurse knew she would lose her life if she made a wrong move – but he can't tell her his behaviour could harm her too. He can't lose her, he can't.
He looks away and swallows.
She waits quietly. He needs to tell her something.
"They are going to start the experimentation again, whatever it is," he says his voice quiet.
"Did he give you any details?" she asks and he shakes his head.
"No."
The guard calls over to her and asks her what they are saying. They converse back and forward in Russian until the guard seems happy.
She looks at James again and he can see concern in her eyes and that makes his well up.
"You..." he clears his throat "...you won't leave me will you?" he asks. He hates the sound of desperation in his voice. Where was the brave man who entered this war? The one who was so cocky, so full of life?
"Did Lehmann say I would?" she asks.
He doesn't reply.
She takes his hand and kisses the back of it and then looks deep into his eyes, her own showing he means the world to her.
"I will never leave you James. Never. You are not alone, I won't let that happen." She leans forward and kisses his forehead.
The guard stands up, but so does she. She says something to him and he sees a look of shame come over the guard's face. He blushes, mumbles something, and sits back down.
She turns back to James.
"Try to get some sleep now." She smiles and sits back down on the chair.
He believes her. He is not alone.
He lies there and tries not to think of Steve, of his friends, of how long it has been, trying not to wonder what Steve is doing now - would they still be looking for him after all this time?
He had not been thinking of escape, but he realises that as he becomes stronger it would have started to enter his mind.
But now?
She would be killed.
He can't do that, he can't risk that. But will he ever see his home again? Will he ever see Steve again?
Deep down he believes the answer is no.
He turns over, away from his nurse and curls up. He feels her pull the blankets up over his shoulders and that small act of kindness very nearly undoes him.
He falls asleep with his fist in his mouth so she won't hear him sob.