Summary:
PROJECT WINTER SOLDIER - designed by Hydra, one man can make all the difference - or at least that was the idea. The reality? One man taken from his family, friends, lover and tortured into something he would abhor.
THE CONSTANT - the nurse abducted to look after him - who loves him but knows that one day she will have to let him go because if he is ever to be free then he will return to the love of his life - Steve Rogers.
*
Bucky Barnes - As A Young Boy
This 1st chapter is to set the scene and is the Prologue.
The story then begins in the 2nd chapter when Bucky has just fallen from the train (in Captain America: The First Avenger).
*
Brooklyn 1929 - 1941
They are complete opposites to look at.
The young boy is dark haired, and needs time to grow into his features - but he has a smile that could melt any girls' heart. He is the eldest of four brothers, and lives with his mother and father, Winifred and George. He is strong, good at sports, but not overly competitive. Well-built like his father. He is a realist, but likes to play the fool sometimes to hide his true feelings. He believes that there is good and evil in the world. He has a hard edge to him but it is not hard enough to protect him from all that will happen to him. His name is James Buchanan Barnes. Bucky.
James has not seen the true evil of the world yet.
But he will.
And the other one? He is Steven Grant Rogers. Steve. James calls him 'Kid'. Steve is blond, and has a smile that is shy but would warm anyone's heart. The mean-spirited bullies see it as a weakness. They are wrong. He has delicate, beautiful blue eyes framed by long lashes. Due to childhood illness he is short in stature and is far less muscular. His skin is almost translucent, and sometimes you would think the very wind is going to knock him down. He has no brothers or sisters, his father, Joseph, died when he was young. He lives alone with his mother, Sarah. This kid is an idealist, more serious-minded than his friend; he believes the world is good and there is such a naivety to him that you know life is going to deal some blows which will knock him hard.
So hard he may find it difficult to believe in things ever again.
The two of them are so different yet share so much in common in so many other ways. They are both intelligent, hard working, loyal, they are both as brave as lions, and neither will back down from a fight they believe in.
And they love each other, though they do not realise yet just how much.
After all you never realise how much someone means to you until you no longer have them.
James seems to always be pulling the Kid out of fights: doesn't matter if it is in the school yard or behind the local cinema, or (on occasion) even down at the docks. The blond will jump into a fight and welcome all comers but then get pummelled into the ground. He just does not have the physique that the older boys do.
James takes the Kid under his wing and drags him along to Goldies' Gym to see if he can put some meat on his bones. At least give him a fighting chance in life. He has never seen someone so skinny and small who courts fights the way this Kid does.
And yet, brave as the Kid is, he cannot be introduced to a girl. The Kid will stammer something, blush and walk away - leaving his friend behind.
Only James never does stay behind - he will always follow the Kid no matter what.
James tries to teach him how to flirt, how to relax around girls; but the Kid doesn't have any self-confidence and his mind cannot be changed, no-one can give him that confidence he needs to accept that a girl will ever like him. The Kid believes no girl will ever want to be with him; he feels he has nothing to offer them. He is wrong. Try as hard as he can the young man cannot get it right, match making and double dates usually ending in disaster. Often as not, his dark-haired companion ends up sending the girls home and choosing to remain with his friend instead.
As they grow up and become young men their friendship deepens and neither can see a life without the other being close by. They both enrol in the local Art college. The Kid has more talent and James encourages it, as it seems to give his friend some of the confidence in himself that he sorely needs.
When they can, they work down at the docks at weekends earning extra cash. Often at the end of the day's work they will sit on the dock wall and talk of their futures, maybe wives and families, or a business together. But in their naivety they do not know what life can do to young dreamers and both will have their dreams crushed by war.
When he is in his late teens, the Kid's mother dies of tuberculosis, and it hits the him hard.
James searches for him after the funeral. The Kid has walked home alone, and James finds him wearily climbing the stairs to the flat he shared with his mother. He looks tired, so alone, and the young man's heart goes out to him. He follows The Kid up to the lonely flat and tries to persuade him to come home with him. "We looked for you after. My folks wanted to give you a ride from the cemetery."
At first Steve doesn't say anything as they walk up to his apartment. He lifts his hand and brushes his hair out of his eyes. "I know, I'm sorry. I just...kind of wanted to be alone." Steve cannot look at Bucky because he knows if he does he will break down, and he thinks that he has to cope with this on his own.
(Authors note: For image see http://i.imgur.com/GpkivJL.png )
"How was it?" Bucky asks.
"It was okay. She's next to Dad."
"I was gonna ask..."
"I know what you're gonna say, Buck, I just..." Steve starts to respond but Bucky carries on talking, an almost desperation in his voice.
"We can put the couch cushion on the floor like when we were kids. It'll be fun. All you gotta do is shine my shoes, maybe take out the trash."
As they get to the apartment door Bucky continues to look at Steve for a reply, for him to say anything. Instead Steve pats his pocket, trying to find his keys. Bucky kicks a brick aside, picks up the apartment key from under it and gives it to Steve.
Bucky says quietly, "Come on." Steve finally looks up at him, tries to smile. "Thank you, Buck, but I can get by on my own."
Bucky shakes his head, eyes closed for a moment."The thing is, you don't have to." Bucky places a hand on Steve's shoulder and looks at him again, tears glistening in his eyes. Bucky makes sure Steve is not just looking at him, but that he is also listening to him. "I'm with you till the end of the line, pal."
And with that the Kid knows he isn't alone; even when he has nothing he knows he will always have his friend. His eyes well up and Bucky pulls him forward and wraps him a hug, kissing the top of his head.
So many times they have come close to telling each other how they feel, each knowing it is more than friendship, and so many times they have both shied away from it.
They have talked about girls, meeting the right one and getting married, having a family, living close by to each other so they are always together but neither realises he is bisexual; hell, in their day the word wasn't even widely known. The thoughts they sometimes think about each other in unguarded moments are illegal, seem to come out of no where and besides which they only like girls - right?
Time is running out for both of them.
*
It is a late spring day and they have both got caught in a shower just about making it home to the Kid's flat before getting completely drenched.
The Kid is soaked through to the skin, and James had promised Sarah Rogers he would always keep Steve safe. He needs to get him out of his wet clothes and into something dry and warm. The thought that comes to the young man's mind makes him blush and he hopes his friend didn't see it in his eyes.
He bullies the Kid into changing, helping him remove his wet top, handing him a towel and averting his eyes as the Kid pulls on a clean top. He uses another towel to pat himself down and dry his own hair. Combing it afterwards looking in Sarah's dressing table mirror at the reflection of the Kid struggling with his braces. He turns and walks over cuffing him around the head gently, then without thinking roughly combs the blond hair to look a bit more presentable.
"You'll break a girls heart, Kid," he says and grins.
Unusually the Kid doesn't quip back and doesn't smile either, just ducks his head and goes to sit on the edge of the double bed where he now sleeps since his mother died, it seemed to be the right thing to do, move into the larger room.
James senses a sadness about his friend. I should stop calling him Kid he thinks, he's only two years younger and we're both men now. Time he started thinking of him that way. He shakes his head as if arguing with himself, but not in the way that has been on his mind so much lately, he thinks. At that thought he blushes and ducks his head praying the Kid can't read his mind.
The Kid is actually thinking the same.
If only the two of them would talk, would broach the subject but each is frightened of losing the other one. The Kid looks at his friend; sometimes he is so sure his friend feels something for him, the way he touches him when he doesn't need to, the way he looks at him, the broodiness sometimes that comes over him as if he is questioning something in his mind.
The young man lies back on the bed listening to the rain outside the window, at his side the Kid moves and lays on his front looking at his friend.
"Buck...."
"Hmm?"
He can see he doesn't have James's full attention.
Can he go through with this? Can he say it this time?
"Buck!"
"What?" the young man looks at him, those big beautiful eyes making his heart almost stop.
"I need to say something."
"Oh yeah?"
"Yeah."
"Can I be honest with you?"
"Always," Bucky smiles.
"I like girls..." Steve says, and he is trying to be serious. This is so difficult to say - what if he is wrong, what if his friend is so disgusted he leaves and never returns?
"Oh yeah, me too..." and Bucky forms an hour glass shape with his hands and grins.
Steve tries to smile but he can't, this is important to him. Bucky stops smiling. He feels Steve is going to say something that is going to change their lives, and the way they think about each other, he just knows it. He can see it in the pale blue eyes, the set of his friends mouth, the slight blush on his cheeks.
"Don't," he says quietly, not even sure if he has said it out loud. But Steve either doesn't hear him or doesn't care; he needs to get the words out into the open
"So why can't I stop thinking about you? Why do I want...why do I want you so much it hurts?" Steve says and ducks his head but still looks at his friend from under his bangs, his heart now beating so fast he thinks his friend will be able to hear it. He can't keep his feelings to himself any more. He still tingles from the feel of his friends hands as he was helping him strip off his wet top. The way he saw Bucky's eyes roam over his body and then turn away quickly.
They have come so close to this conversation so many times, both putting it off not knowing if the other one feels the same. Both feeling ashamed of thinking about their friend in that way, both worried what their families would say, would think.
James blushes, still looking at Steve, his gaze taking in those light blue eyes framed by blond lashes long enough to be a girls'. The slight form under the shirt.
Steve has rarely ever seen his friend blush before.
Bucky is about to make some smart-alec remark to diffuse the situation but he can't, instead he looks at Steve for what seems a long time.
Then Steve's stomach drops as he sees Bucky's jaw clench. Bucky looks away from him and turns to get off the bed.
"Buck?" Steve sits up.
"I...I've gotta be getting home...promised my old man I would help him with something," and Bucky stands up pretending to be sorting his top out that has gotten rucked up, refusing to look at Steve.
"Buck?"
Steve sees that Bucky means to leave, but he can't let him, can't let the conversation end like this, can't lose him.
He scrambles off the bed and to the door, pushing it shut and standing in front of it. Bucky stops in front of him.
"Aww come on," Bucky says quietly, he looks at the floor then briefly at Steve, sees those wide eyes full of fear. His own heart is banging, his ears humming, he wants to reach out, wants to...
"Buck...Buck ignore me, I was just...joshing, you know...Buck?" Steves voice is wavering, and they both know he wasn't joking, he was telling Bucky how he really feels.
Bucky closes his eyes and shakes his head from side to side. He can't cope with this. Why did he have to say it, why couldn't Steve just leave things the way they were, why must he always have to be so goddamn honest?
He could shake him.
"Bucky, sorry, sorry for what I said...please, forget it, it was stupid." There is desperation in Steves tone.
Bucky looks up. He has to be hard, he has to resist, he is the one who needs to stop this in its tracks before Steve gets hurt, before they both do something they may regret.
"Get outta my way, Kid."
Steve's hands clench at his side, his eyes harden.
"No Buck. And my names Steve, not Kid. Don't call me 'Kid' any more." Steve knows he needs to fight for this, that if he moves, if he gives in, he will lose Bucky forever.
He sees the way Bucky's hands clench not knowing it is because Bucky's own feelings for him are trying to surface, trying to get him to acknowledge the truth.
Bucky lifts his hand and slams it against the door next to Steve's head, making Steve jump. There is a temper behind it. Bucky goes to speak but stops, not trusting himself.
"Jesus," he says under his breath and bangs the door again.
He takes his hand away and turns around. He promised Sarah Rogers in this very room he would keep her son safe and now - now he wants to fuck him more than anything in the world.
"Please Buck, I can't lose you, please, please forget what I said," Steve's voice is thick; he is trying to keep back tears. He doesn't want to cry, he wants to be so strong but the thought of losing Bucky hurts, makes him feel sick, empty.
Bucky turns and sits on the edge of the bed, his hands scrubbing at his face.
"You had to go and spoil it, didn't you," he says quietly.
Steve watches his friends anguish. He caused this, he made a terrible mistake. He moves forward until he is stood in front of Bucky and Bucky looks up and straight into his eyes. He looks so serious, he looks like he to wants to cry.
"We can't," he says so quietly Steve barely hears the words, Bucky looks away again.
"We can't," he says again as if trying to convince himself.
Steve hesitantly puts a hand out to touch his shoulder. Bucky doesn't move, his own hands hang between his legs. He can feel Steve's warm hand through the material of his still damp shirt, he can smell him, he can feel him so close.
"Oh God," he groans.
He looks up at Steve.
"We can't...think of my parents, think of your what your mother would say."
"She's not here, Buck, and neither are they. Are you saying you feel the same way?" Steve knows he has to get this out in the open. Else he has lost.
"They don't need to know. No one does, its between you and me, its no one else's business."
He takes his hand off Bucky's shoulder and instead kneels down in front of him.
"Bucky look at me."
He puts his hands on Bucky's knees.
"Buck...please look at me and tell me you don't feel the same way. If you don't I'll let you leave and I won't stop you then its up to you if you want us to remain being friends...I'll always be here for you."
Steve's heart is pounding and he is finding it difficult to breathe, but he daren't let Bucky see any weakness in him. Now is the time for him to be strong for someone who has always been strong for him.
Bucky groans and leans back looking at the ceiling. Steve says nothing more, he can see the internal struggle Bucky is having, and he knows he is so close to winning.
After a few moments Bucky leans forward again and looks at Steve, the man who to him is the most important person in his life, who for so long he has wanted to touch, wanted to hold. He reaches out and runs his fingers down the side of Steve's face and Steve turns to kiss the palm of his hand and his hands move up Bucky's legs.
He looks back at Bucky.
Slowly and hesitantly Bucky leans forwards, closes his eyes.
"We shouldn't," he whispers, as he kisses Steve on the lips.
The first kiss is brief, whilst Bucky has had plenty of practice, Steve hasn't. Bucky has been all the way and knows he has to take it slowly with Steve, he is so worried about physically harming him, so worried about how to ...
Before he can pull away though Steve's arms come around him and pulls him back into the embrace and their lips meet again only this time Steve takes charge and pushes his slim body into Bucky's. He feels slight resistant and then Bucky's mouth opens and Steve's tongue demands a response, Bucky nearly squeaks in surprise but then leans into the kiss.
When they pull away this time both are breathless.
"Wow...what was that?" Bucky says.
It makes Steve smile.
"Something I have wanted to do for a long time."
He reaches up and places his hand on the back of Bucky's head and pulls him forward and kisses him again, this time there is no hesitation and Bucky's arms circle around the delicate frame holding him tight. Steve clutches his friend to him and pushes his body again into the strong muscular one.
They need each other, they felt something from the first time they ever met, something they have been trying to deny forever.
Steve reaches forward, taking the lead, he has wanted to run his hands over Bucky's body for so long, feel every muscle, every part of him. His slim hands slip in under the shirt pulling at it until he pulls it up and over Bucky's head and then he feels Bucky's hands slip Steve's braces down over his shoulders and then they are on his shirt but Bucky doesn't go any further.
Steve realises he needs to give Bucky permission, needs to confirm to him that this is what he wants, there is still hesitation there on Bucky's side.
"Help me," he says reaching down to remove his own shirt.
And Bucky does.
Steve moves even nearer and Bucky pulls him closer and runs his finger tips over Steve's chest and then bends and kisses his stomach.
Steve thinks he is going to stop breathing.
"Oh man, oh Jesus..." he groans. He feels Bucky's tongue glide over his skin, feels his tongue lick over his navel and he groans again.
"Unfair," he murmurs.
Bucky pulls away and looks into those eyes again. Steve can still feel his friends hesitancy and he knows he is trying to be careful.
Steve moves to sit on the bed next to him and then scoots over pulling Bucky by the arm so they end up lying next to each other side by side facing each other.
Bucky is still worried about hurting Steve, about placing all of his weight on top of the slight form: he is so slim, so delicate and Bucky is muscular, larger, heavier.
Steve knows this, he can see the hesitation so he moves to lean over him, he can feel the heat they are both generating.
"You won't hurt me," Steve says, he is so serious, he wants this, he wants Bucky to be his, he wants them to belong to each other.
They have a lot to learn about each other over the next few weeks, they think they can take it slowly - but unfortunately what they don't know is time is running out for both of them.
They will be separated. They will think they have lost each other. They will weep.
But for now, they are together.
For now Steve looks down at Bucky and they spend the evening until it grows dark learning all they can about each other and their new found bond.
But the Kid is wrong. The dark haired man can hurt him - but not in the way he thinks.
They will hurt each other in ways they can't even begin to imagine.