I can already tell our major assignment for Advanced English class is going to be big, so a few of us head to the library after school one day to do some group research. Kate and a couple of the other girls start pulling books from the shelves, so Watson and I head over to one of the computers to look through online databases for information. Watson and I still haven't had a proper conversation since he kissed me at the party, but he seems to have pushed the thoughts from his mind. I even overheard from someone that he was going on a date with a year eleven girl on the weekend.
I look over the task sheet for our assignment and give Watson some key words to look up. He starts searching and browsing through journal articles for a while, with me looking over his shoulder. When my legs get tired I pull up a chair to sit next to him, and it's then he turns to me and says, 'So what were you doing the other day?'
'Hmm?' I ask, not looking up from a journal article we're skimming through.
'I was talking to Dan,' Watson says. 'I just happened to mention that I put my car in because I backed it into a pole in a car park.'
'Oh really?' I say. 'That's unlucky.'
'Yeah, made a huge dent in it,' Watson says. 'It's going to cost me a few hundred dollars, which is annoying.'
'Yeah, your poor car,' I say. I pull open my notebook and start jotting down some notes from the article we're reading.
'Yeah,' Watson says. 'You know what's weird though?'
I look up at him. 'What?'
'Dan seems to think I picked you up the other day and we went for a drive,' he says.
'Huh?'
'Well that's what Dan said; you went out after school and you told him I was picking you up.'
'Oh, yeah,' I say, tapping my pen against my notebook.
'But I didn't pick you up,' Watson says. 'The only reason Dan even mentioned it is because I told him I'd put my car in to get the dent out. He didn't think you would have lied to him, though.'
'Yeah, he must have been confused,' I say quickly. 'Julian came to pick me up. He's been feeling pretty miserable about this whole thing with Lexington. You know, so he just wanted to hang out a bit more and go for a drive to clear his head.'
'Right,' Watson says quietly. He grabs the mouse from me and scrolls through the article as if he's looking for something. He highlights a meaningless sentence. 'I actually asked Julian about it. I figured maybe Dan had it wrong and you'd told him Jules was picking you up. But Jules didn't know anything about it.'
I frown at Watson. 'What, you think I'm hiding something from you?'
'I don't know, Em, are you?' Watson asks.
'This is ridiculous,' I say. 'Do you know how crazy you sound? You're asking all my friends to check where I am at all times of the day?'
'You're being awfully defensive about this,' Watson says, raising his eyebrows.
'I had a date,' I say. 'I just didn't want Dan to know. And honestly, I didn't want you to know either, okay? I'm sorry.' I lower my voice and glance back at the other students in the library.
Watson leans back in his chair. 'Knew it. It's fine, Em. I'm not upset or anything; you don't have to hide it from me. So who was the date?'
'Oh, you don't know him,' I say, and I look down at my notebook to avoid looking into Watson's eyes. I wrack my brain, trying to think of a believable date. The last thing I want Watson to know is that I was hanging out with Lucas.
'Well you can tell me about it,' Watson says. 'Em, come on. Please don't let what happened between us stop you from talking to me. We're still okay, aren't we?'
He reaches out his hand and places it on top of mine and I look up at him and swallow. 'Yes, of course,' I say. 'I'm not going to let it come between us.'
Watson gives me one of his warm smiles. 'Well good. Now tell me about your date.'
I crinkle my nose. 'No,' I say timidly. 'It was weird and I don't know what's happening so I don't really want to talk about it.'
Watson gives me a look. 'Why was it weird? Is it someone you know well or is it someone you've just met?'
I stare at Watson, perplexed by the question. 'It's both,' I say after a beat.
He frowns.
I grab the mouse off him and start scrolling through the article we're reading together. I highlight a passage and point to the screen. 'This could be important,' I say.
'Yeah,' Watson says. I write a note down and when I'm finished I glance up again to find Watson watching me.
'So do you think you're going to go on another date?' he asks.
'It wasn't really a date,' I say. 'We were just hanging out. And no, I don't think so.'
'Why not?'
'Because it's weird and I don't know how we feel about each other,' I say.
'What's his name?'
I shake my head.
'What, you can't tell me his name?' he asks. 'I thought we were over keeping secrets from each other.'
I glance back at the other girls who are working on the assignment with us but no one has noticed Watson's bickering tone.
'Can we not talk about this now?' I ask.
'Why? You didn't like it when I kept it a secret that I was dating Taylor but you always keep your boyfriends secret from me. You said you don't want that thing that happened at the party to affect us but it's like you're afraid to tell me about your love life.'
'He's not my boyfriend and it's not my love life. He picked me up and we hung out for less than an hour and then he drove me home. It was not a date and you're just sounding nosey and possessive, like always.'
'Like always?' Watson says, leaning back in his chair and staring at me.
I regret saying it instantly, and looking at Watson's face I can see I've really offended him, but I'm too stubborn to take it back.
'Look, we need to talk about this later because I don't want to have this conversation here in the library,' I say.
'Then let's go,' Watson says.
I glance back at the girls and then close my notebook. Watson logs out of the computer and I stand up.
'Kate,' I say. 'Watson and I have to leave. We've done a bit of research and it's a pretty good start. We'll see you guys in class tomorrow.'
Watson leaves as I'm talking to them. I follow him out of the library and find him sitting under a tree. I sit down beside him and lean against the tree.
'Are you mad at me?' he asks.
'No.'
'Well I'm sorry anyway,' Watson says.
'For what?' I ask.
He looks at me and raises his eyebrows and says, 'you know what.'
I assume he's referring to the kiss at the party so I shrug. 'I'm not mad.'
'But you feel bad about dating someone else,' he says, crossing his arms.
'No,' I say. 'I'm not dating anyone else. I thought you were over all this,' I say. I pick at the nail polish on my fingers, unwilling to look at Watson as I speak. 'When you were dating Taylor you got mad at me and you said you were over this. I thought you were over me.'
'I was lying,' he says.
I don't look at him, because I don't want to see the expression on his face. I can't stand the vulnerability in his tone, because it just makes me feel like I've done something wrong. But I haven't done anything wrong. I don't like Watson. He's my best friend, and I love him, but he's not the guy I'm in love with.
I grab my school bag and unzip it, looking desperately for a distraction from the conversation. I don't know how to respond to Watson, so I keep my lips shut and don't say anything.
'Em,' Watson says. He turns to face me and grabs the school bag off me. I'm forced to look into his eyes, where I see an intense vulnerability mixed with frustration.
'Just talk to me,' he says.
'What am I supposed to say?' I murmur. 'I'm sorry that you like me.'
'I don't like you,' he says roughly. 'I love you.'
I bite my trembling lip.
He pulls me towards him so forcefully and grasps me to him. I lean my head against his chest. He kisses my head and grips me even tighter, as if I'm a teddy bear. I place one arm around his waist and hug him hard, wishing he would just fall in love with some other girl, instead of me.
His lips are still pressed against my hair and he strokes my back and mumbles, 'Did I ever have a chance with you, Em?'
'How am I supposed to answer that?' I ask.
'Well if you can't answer it I'll know what you mean. I never stood a chance. I'll always be your best friend but I'll never be your boyfriend. You always have to go for the dickhead. Like Toby. You can never see what's standing right in front of you.'
'Don't say that.'
'Well if you ever change your mind, you know where I'll be.'
I pull away from him and look up into his eyes.
'I'm sorry,' he says. 'I didn't mean to make you feel guilty about this. I know it's stupid, but I just need to tell you this crap. I'm desperately in love with you and I spend all my time thinking about you and I want you to know, just in case your feelings ever change.'
'You said you were in love with Taylor,' I say.
'She was just a distraction and I got caught up in it and I was too blind to see what she really was,' Watson says. 'But I've always had feelings for you, Em, ever since I laid eyes on you on the first day of grade eight. I thought I got over it but I don't think I'll ever get over it. It's lasted almost five years and it'll last another five more. And when you're off on your adventures around the world or just travelling around Australia with Julian I'm going to miss you more than anything. I can't even imagine my life without you. I just always wanted to spend my life with you.'
Watson lets his hand brush across my knee, and then he pulls back and grabs his schoolbag. 'But it's fine. I'm glad you had a date the other night. I just want you to be happy. I'll get a girlfriend eventually, don't worry about me.' He stands up and he puts out his hand for me to grab. I take his hand and he pulls me up and puts his arm around me in one fluid movement. He hugs me again and I hug him back tighter, closing my eyes.