Bess was long gone. I threaded back through the crowds, brushing past familiar faces and giving cordial smiles and not really wanting to talk to anyone. I just wanted to go home. I wanted to take off this stupid shirt and lie in bed and just sleep, or watch a shitty anime. Literally anything but pretend I was having fun at a party surrounded by other people pretending to have fun.
Phil and Meg were deeply entrenched in conversation by the time I got back. Meg glanced up as I arrived, giving me a small smile. Her eyes flicked over my face and her smile faded.
'Are you okay?' She asked, and I nodded, scratching the back of my neck. Meg frowned. 'You're not okay. What happened?' She looked behind me. 'Where's Bess?'
'Long story,' I breathed out, running a hand through my hair. Meg was still watching me, almost cautiously, like she wasn't sure what to do. She pursed her lips.
'Let's get a drink, then,' she said, taking my arm, and then Phil's. 'A margarita or two will wash the pain away.'
'What a great attitude towards alcohol,' I chuckled as Meg dragged us over to the bar. She glanced at me over her shoulder, grinning.
'I'm really just joking,' she explained as we arrived. 'I'm simply exploiting your miserableness for my own benefit. I want a drink. And I don't get them for free unless I'm with you lot.'
So we ordered a margarita jug and then went over and sat by one of the massive floor-to-ceiling windows which gave us a beautiful view of the city. Lights splattered out across the horizon like hundreds of thousands of bright, beautiful fireflies, or almost like the world had turned on its head and we were sitting on top of the sky. I could feel Meg watching me as Phil poured the drinks, so I turned to her. It was dark here, but I could still make out the worry in her face.
'Are you sure you're okay?' She asked me.
I nodded, stretching out a small smile. 'I think so.'
She stared at me a moment longer, not convinced. Her expression loosened, and she let herself fall into a tiny, slightly-sad smile. 'Okay,' was all she said.
Phil started talking about dogs (bless), so Meg and I nudged ourselves into the conversation. I'm not going to lie, I was only half there. All I could think about was Bess. I ran her face over and over in my mind, the familiarity of her cheeks, jaw, nose, lips - and the eyes. The way that she had looked at me just then. Like she was burning from the inside, this sick, poisonous hatred frothing up inside her. And it was towards me. Me. She's not supposed to hate me. That's the fundamental aspect of every relationship ever.
'Dan?' Someone asked. I blinked, looking up, and both Meg and Phil were staring at me. I shook my head, rubbing my eyes.
'Sorry, I'm just a bit tired,' I lied. 'What did I miss?'
'Phil was telling us about his future dogs and their respective names,' Meg said, and Phil grinned, nodding. 'But I think maybe we should go.'
'What? Why?'
Meg gave me a dry look. 'Oh, wow, I have no idea. Maybe the fact you're obviously not okay and you should either go home or talk to bess.'
'I'm not talking to Bess,' I said wearily, rubbing my temples. 'Not now.'
'Great, so then that only leaves the first option.' She stood, taking my arm with her hand, and dragging me with her. Phil stood hesitantly.
'Do you need me to come?' Phil asked, wiping his hands on his pants. 'It's just - well, there's a few people I promised I'd catch up with that I haven't yet. And I had to discuss a video idea with Tom, and -'
'It's fine, Phil,' I said. I gave him a tired but earnest smile. 'Honestly. Meg can escort me home.'
Meg nodded, so Phil gave us both hugs before threading himself through the crowd in search of some particular people. I looked down at Meg.
'I can probably just catch a cab, or something,' I said, and Meg made a snorting sound, pulling a face.
'Stop refusing my help,' she said, still holding onto my arm. 'We're friends, Dan, remember? Friends don't let friends go home alone when they're feeling like shit.'
'Okay,' I said, and so we walked out together, giving the polite and appropriate smiles to the doorman and security guards as we headed downstairs to catch a cab. Luckily for us, there was one waiting just outside. He must have heard about the party, and figured some drunk, relatively wealthy YouTube kid would want a lift home at some point.
'Where are you two off to, then?' He asked in a chirpy voice a we shuffled into the back. The door closed loudly behind me, and Meg let out a breath, relaxing back in her seat. I gave him my address and we pulled out from the kerb, shuttling down the road.
We didn't talk much on the ride, most likely due to the fact that it always felt awkward having conversations with someone else listening in. We arrived within twenty or so minutes, and I handed over a few notes I dug out from my wallet before crawling out after Meg. We walked up to the door as the cab drove off, leaving us in silence.
Inside was even more quiet, the hollow staircase catching each and every tiny sound, the keys jangling as we took the stairs up to our floor. I was glad we'd cleaned up yesterday - the place had been a mess. It was cold inside, the heating off, shrouded in darkness. I switched on the lights, and they flickered to life.
'Do you want anything to eat? Drink?' I asked, and Meg opted for a glass of water. I filled up two cups and walked over to her, passing her one. She was standing in the living room, glancing around at the decoration.
'I never thought I'd be here,' she mused, tapping her nail absentmindedly against her cup. 'In this room. Or here with you.' She turned to me, faintly smiling. 'It's funny, I thought I knew you so well. Before we met. Or even started talking. I thought I knew through and through who Dan Howell was from being there from the start and learning about you. But I didn't. I didn't know you at all.'
'Is it disappointing?' I asked, taking a seat on the couch.
'Is what disappointing?'
'Me. Who I really am.'
Meg sat down next to me, folding her ankles over one another. 'Yes and no,' she answered truthfully. She held up a finger. 'Wait. Don't be offended yet. I'll explain myself.' She took a breath, and a sip of water. 'I guess it's disappointing in that you're not perfect. Like, I know the whole 'nobody's perfect' thing but you always were to me. You didn't have any faults. You never seemed to do anything wrong, or go through any of the shit that everyone else goes through. And I know now that was just a part of the whole 'Youtube facade'. It's because we don't see all the bad stuff - the self-doubt, the mistakes, the flaws.
'But I'm also glad that I've seen them. That I've seen you fail, and I've seen you be a dick, and I've seen you be upset and angry and everything that all normal people are. It makes me feel like I truly know you now, and understand you, and therefore be the best friend to you that I can be. And it's made me feel like maybe even the best people don't always have it right.'
I watched her from the side. A little of her mascara had come off around her eyes, and her hair was a little ruffled. But in that moment, she was still the most beautiful girl I'd ever seen. I felt like she knew me and I knew her, and she understood who I was, and how I thought. I had fallen completely and wholly for this girl right beside me, with her ten-pound-skirt and attitude to match, and it was both the best and the worst feeling in the entire world.
She looked over at me then, eyes on my face, drinking in what I'm sure was not well hidden. I think we both wanted to kiss each other. To whirl ourselves back to our last night in Adelaide where none of this had happened, and it be only us for one, single moment.
'I should go,' she said quietly, still looking at me. She swallowed, letting her eyes fall. 'Yeah. I should go.'
She sniffed, standing, brushing down her skirt. I stood with her, walking her to the door, and then she turned and faced me one last time. She looked up and she was almost fierce - it stared back at me from her eyes, this kind of fiery, defiant persistence that I knew so well.
'I think we both know you're with the wrong girl, Howell,' she said eventually, voice quiet, but infinitely loud.
And then she was gone, swallowed into the shadows of the staircase, leaving me to spin the words around in my head.
I think we both know you're with the wrong girl, Howell.
And so that was my question, now: Bess, or Meg?
duh duh DUHHHHH
drama wow so dramatic
sorry for this update being super duper late. i've been trying to write it for ages and literally couldn't come up with anything i liked, but this one's pretty good i reckon
p.s. just discovered this guy on youtube called Cody Ko who used to be a viner (I think?) and he's ACTUALLY SO FUNNY
would recommend 10/10
xx