I am very drunk. I realise this while standing in front of the cracked mirror in the little bathroom. There is toilet paper all over the floor and someone has written swear words in lipstick on the mirror.
My blurry reflection stares back at me. I'm clutching onto the side of the basin, trying to focus my eyes. I close one eye, which stops the world from spinning, and focus on my face. My make up is still intact but my hair is messy because at one stage I was wearing Watson's elf hat.
I wash my hands and struggle to open the door to the bathroom because of my wet hands. Ainsley is waiting for me outside. She's not as drunk as I am, but she blinks at me through half-shut eyes and gives me a lazy smile. I can tell she's getting tired, but a Flume remix is playing loudly on the speakers and I want to get out there and dance. I wipe my hands on my dress and then grab Ainsley's hand and pull her out towards the bonfire.
A bunch of girls and guys are dancing in a clear spot around the bonfire, and Ainsley and I make our way into the crowd and throw our hands up. Ainsley is more timid with her dancing than me so I grab her hands and pull them up above our heads as the bass drops. We scream out lyrics and laugh at our hilarious dance moves.
I notice Taylor dancing with a few of the Landor girls, including Scarlet. Scarlet is shooting me mean looks every so often, and it's clear she's not enjoying dancing as much as she should be, because she's too busy watching me. I shoot her a smile and turn away from her. Watson and Harrison join us to dance.
'Where is Jules?' I ask the boys over the music.
'Disappeared again,' Harrison tells me.
Watson grabs me out of Ainsley's grip and pulls me close to him to dance. 'This party is so good,' he breathes into my ear.
'You're always so affectionate when you're drunk,' I laugh, dancing in his arms. He has both hands around my waist so I sling my arms over his shoulders and grin up at him. 'I'm so fucking drunk.'
Watson smiles down at me, then glances back up at something behind me. The smile falters on his face slightly, but he quickly looks back at me. I glance behind me and notice Taylor and the Landor girls are still dancing. Watson must have caught sight of Taylor.
When I turn back to him he's watching me intently. 'Forget her!' I tell him. 'Just for tonight, forget all about her.' I grasp him tighter in as much of a hug as I can manage while we're dancing.
I grin drunkenly up at him when I pull away and he grins back. It's one of those rare moments that Watson and I share, like the ones we used to have before he started dating Taylor. I'm just thinking I'm so glad I have such a caring best friend when Watson leans into me and smashes his lips against mine.
I'm drunk. Watson is kissing me. His lips are dry and he opens his mouth too soon and I don't know how to react. I still have my arms around his shoulders. There's about five seconds where I try to get my head around that situation before I pull away. People are still dancing around us, totally oblivious to what has just happened. I blink up at Watson, shocked. His expression reflects absolute horror and confusion, but at the same time he actually looks pleased with himself.
'Worth a try?' he asks me, and then laughs sheepishly.
'Uh,' I stammer, staring at him. Watson Langley, with his curly brown hair, flattened by his elf hat, and his bright green pants. He's still gripping my waist and I pull away, grabbing his hands off my waist and dropping them.
'Yeah, of course not,' he says, looking down and away from me. 'I'm sorry,' he says, and then he turns and pushes his way out of the crowd of dancers. I watch his retreating figure, appalled.
Harrison grabs my hand and I flinch. I spin around and stare at him and I know my eyes must be wide. My heart is racing and my throat is suddenly dry.
'Did that just happen?' Harrison asks me, and he drags me away through the crowd, in the opposite direction to where Watson fled.
When I'm out of the crowd I suddenly let in a gasp of air and put my hands on my knees to steady myself. My head is spinning. I'm too drunk to comprehend this.
'Come on, Em,' Harrison says, leading me back towards the stairs where we were sitting before. He sits down on a step beside me.
'I'm going to throw up,' I say, and I grab onto the balustrade and lean against it, but nothing happens. I swallow and then press my head into the rail.
'You alright?' Harrison asks.
'Just really, really drunk,' I stammer, closing my eyes and putting my head in my hands.
'I can't believe Watson kissed you,' Harrison chuckles. 'That boy has no clue about choosing the right moment.'
'He was under the influence,' I say. My voice is muffled into my hands.
'Right. The same influence he's been under for four and a half years; being in love with you,' Harrison says, and I can hear the laughter in his voice.
I raise my head and look up at him. 'He's not in love with me anymore.'
Harrison laughs more and leans back on the stairs. 'Okay, sure, so the other day when he was talking to me and the boys about whether he should admit his feelings to you now he's broken up with Taylor... he must have been joking,' Harrison smirks. 'And that kiss... probably meant nothing to him.'
I feel the blood rush from my face as I stare at Harrison. 'Please tell me you're joking.'
'Unfortunately, no,' Harrison says. 'Look, I'm sorry Em. Unrequited love seems to be a pretty common issue with our group. I'm sure you and Watson will be fine, even after this. He might not even remember it. Still, I can't help but be jealous of his bravery. Just straight out making out with you while we're all standing there.'
I groan. 'He's going to hate me. Urgh, he's so stupid. Why would he kiss me? I've told him a thousand times I'm not into him.'
Harrison laughs. 'Have you now?' he says smartly. 'Because from where I'm standing it looks like you're dead keen on him. You hated his girlfriend; you want him around all the time; you're always hugging him and holding his hand. To me, it looks like you want him, bad.'
'I'm going to throw up,' I say again, and this time I actually stand up, but then I sit down again as the feeling passes.
'You probably need some water,' Harrison says. He stands up and swings off the stairs, all gangly legs. He returns a moment later with a bottle of water and tosses it at me. I smile at him gratefully.
I gulp down mouthfuls of cold water, washing Watson's taste out of my mouth. I love Watson, but I don't love Watson. Right?
'I am a confused mess,' I say to Harrison.
'Aren't we all, Em? That's what senior year does to you.'
'How do you know if you're in love with someone?' I ask, not necessarily to Harrison but to my surroundings. 'If Watson loves me, what does that even mean? I love him, but I didn't want to kiss him. It didn't feel right. Isn't it supposed to feel right?'
'You'd know, Em,' Harrison says firmly. 'Trust me, you'd know.'
I can't help but think of Lucas. I look down at my feet, suddenly embarrassed. I can't believe this has happened tonight. Watson can't have kissed me. Maybe I'll wake up tomorrow and it will just be a drunk memory and nothing will change. But I know that's not true. This changes everything. Watson told me he isn't interested in me anymore, but clearly he was lying, or he has changed his mind, because that kiss meant something to him. He was working up to it, and had been working up to it for a while. I don't know how to deal with this. Everything has changed with this kiss, and I want everything to go back to the way it was.
I glance back up at Harrison. He's picking at a loose thread on his bright green elf jeans. He looks so sweet in the light of the bonfire in the distance.
'You know, don't you?' I ask him quietly. 'About love?'
He doesn't look at me, but he drops the thread that he was picking and I see his eyes flicker.
'I'm sorry,' I say. 'If you don't want to talk about it, it's fine.'
I see Harrison's Adam's apple bob in his throat as he swallows, and then he closes his eyes. 'It's different,' he says finally.
'I'm sorry,' I say again. 'I'm too drunk, I shouldn't have brought it up.'
'No,' Harrison says. 'I'm glad you did. I didn't know you knew.'
He finally looks up at me, with his shaggy black hair and his long nose and his long limbs. One side of his red suspenders has fallen off his shoulder and over his arm.
'When he slept with Lexington, you weren't upset because he didn't tell you,' I say. I take another sip of the water. My head is starting to clear up, and I am suddenly so aware that I'm not wearing a jacket and it's very, very cold. 'You were upset because it's the first time he's ever been with anyone, and you didn't know how to deal with it.'
Harrison looks back down at his pants and starts picking at the thread again. 'I'm sorry you had to hear me complain about him. I know it was stupid.'
'It's not stupid,' I say. I hand him the water bottle and he takes a huge swig then twists the cap on tight. He sits the bottle down between us and then leans back on the stairs and looks up at the night sky. We can see the stars out here; we're so far from the city.
'There's no point him knowing,' Harrison says. 'It'll just make him feel sorry for me. I don't want him to feel sorry for me.'
'I don't feel sorry for Watson,' I say. 'I just feel guilty. I wish I could feel the same for him. But I don't.'
'Well I don't want Julian feeling that,' Harrison says. 'I want him to be oblivious. That whole situation with his brother is enough to deal with. I don't want him feeling guilty.'
'I won't tell him,' I say. 'But, does he even know you're gay?'
Harrison swallows again, as if he's struggling to swallow the word. 'I've never told him, but I think he knows. He's never told me he's straight, so I've never told him I'm gay. Why should I have to say anything? I think he figured it out.'
'Harry,' I say, gripping his arm and leaning into him. He's so bony and there's no soft surface to rest my head like there is with Watson, but I still find comfort in his warmth.
'Remember in grade ten when everyone thought you were gay?' Harrison says suddenly, and he laughs.
I smirk at him. 'Oh shush,' I say, pushing at his arm.
He laughs. 'Are you cold, Em?'
'Yeah, I'm fucking freezing,' I say.
'Want to go back to the bonfire?' he asks.
'Yeah, sure. Are you sure you're alright after our talk?' I ask him.
Harrison shrugs. 'It's good with you. I mean you're still the most stuck up, self-centred person I know, but recently I've noticed you're actually good to talk to. I'm glad you're the first person in the group that I've talked about this to.'
'Really? Self-centred? Me?' I laugh at him. 'I had no idea.'
Harrison grins. 'Come on, let's go find the gang. Your game plan is to pretend the kiss between you and Watson never happened. He'll appreciate it that way.'
I groan and pick up the water bottle and bang it against my head. 'But it did happen, Harry. Watson kissed me. I can't just pretend it never happened. I have to talk to him about it.'
'Well you're braver than me,' Harrison says, grabbing onto the railing and swinging up. He holds out a hand to me and pulls me up. I almost stumble but then I right myself and we jump down the stairs.
'Hey, we've had good chats tonight, Haz,' I say, smiling.
He grins. 'We have, Em. I'm glad.'