The shattered glass embedded into my knuckles was nothing compared to the shattered pieces that was my heart.
What once was is now gone.
It went as quickly as it came.
Destructive.
"You're lucky you didn't shatter any bones." Vee remarked as she removed pieces of broken glass from my hand with tweezers.
After the hurricane that was Cash Monaco, Vee dragged me into her kitchen by my ear and has been lecturing me for about an hour about the uselessness of hospitals and ER's.
I was sitting on top of her kitchen table feeling like I was on the biggest hangover of my life and I didn't even drink. But what I'd give to have a beer right now.
"Those doctors wouldn't know the difference between a fracture and sprain if it bit them in their checkbooks." She continued to ramble on as she placed bloody glass on the table.
I couldn't speak. My mouth was sewed shut with my own ignorance. I don't know what I was thinking. Lip and I couldn't be together. Not in this world or the next. We were too different for each other to ever work. He was too careless and I cared too much.
I always knew that kid hated my guts.
"Does any of that hurt?" Kev asked in awe as he watched Vee remove a large chunk of glass from my right knuckle. His eyes looked like they were too big for his face.
I shrugged as I stared into space thinking about my negligence. I should have killed Karen Jackson.
Truth was, I couldn't feel a thing besides my addict tearing my heart into pieces and tossing it around like confetti. It was her happy day. She got what she wanted. Me. Alone.
Our heads snapped towards the door as Fiona burst through the living room.
"What the fuck was that?" She said in a raised tone while looking disarray. Her hair was as bad as mine, her eyeliner was smudged, her clothes didn't match, and her bags looked as big as mine. At least she made it look breathtaking.
I cleared my throat before finding my voice, "I'm sorry, Fiona. I know I can't say it enough. I'll pay for all the damages." I looked down, "I understand if you don't want me coming around anymore."
Who would want this self-loathing, destructive, crazy ass, leach around anyway? No one. Certainly not Lip.
She placed her hand on her forehead as she looked at Vee removing glass, "Is she gonna be okay?"
"It'll definitely scar, but she didn't break or fracture anything, which is good." She continued to work.
I closed my eyes and concentrated on my breathing as I thought about the look in Lip's eyes when I called him Frank. It wasn't true. I knew it wasn't true. Lip was too good to ever end up like Frank. His heart was too genuine, unlike mine.
The addict in me didn't care. She would destroy any connection I had with anyone. So she pushed. She pushed Lip until she gave him his final shove. The final shove she knew would keep him away from me.
He would never forgive me. And that's exactly what she wanted.
Fiona ran her hand through her hair, "What was all that about, Cash?"
Her worried eyes scanned my scratched face. She didn't deserve any of this. Nobody did. I was nothing but trouble and she knew that.
She waited for me to respond but nothing came. How could I tell her that I was fucking her brother and mistook it for a relationship? How could I tell her that I was deathly in love with her brother who didn't love me back? How could I tell her that I wanted to murder the shit out of Karen Jackson? I couldn't.
I shrugged.
"Are you guys like a thing?" Kev asked as he sat down at the table and took a swig of his beer.
Fiona's head snapped towards me, "Are you?" Worried painted her tone as she thought of the idea of Lip and I together.
I was growing annoyed. I shook my head, "Not even close."
"Lip and you are too similar to date anyways." Vee said as she poured rubbing alcohol on a rag.
I winced in pain as she blotted it against my knuckles, "What?"
She nodded, "I mean look at you," She held up my hand, "You both have the worst tempers."
Kev nodded and held up his beer, "You both are crazy smart but don't use your fucking brain."
"And you both are stubborn has hell." She shrugged, "It wouldn't work. You guys would kill each other."
I scrunched my eyebrows as I thought about all the things they were saying. There was no way any of that shit was right. Lip had a temper but he knew how to control it. Lip was a fucking genius whereas I'm an idiot. Lip is stubborn but not as bad as I am.
If anything, I'm the darker side of Lip. The rotten side.
Vee started bandaging up my hand as I looked at Fiona, "Um," I swallowed, "Is Karen gonna be okay?"
Please say no. Please say no. Please say no.
Fiona turned her head, "You fucked her up pretty bad, Cash. But I think she'll live."
Fuck. I guess I'm kinda relieved I didn't commit murder. Then I'd really be a fuck up.
Kev chuckled, "That girl has probably never seen a fist in her life." Vee threw her had back and laughed with him.
"Seriously, Cash. What happened?" Fiona looked at me like a concerning sister. She looked at me like I was her fucking sister and it crushed me.
I couldn't ruin that.
I shrugged, thinking of a lie. "Someone said she called me white trash."
Kev chuckled, "That bitch."
"Lip had nothing to do with it." I simply said as Vee finished wrapping my hand.
At least that part was semi true. Lip had nothing to do with my outburst. All of this was my fault. I ruined it like I ruin everything in my life. I ruined my mom's life. I made my dad run out on me. I ruined Bobby's face.
I ruined it all because that's what I'm fucking good at.
Self-loathing, destructive leech, right?
Even Lip knew it.
~
I couldn't sleep.
I couldn't sleep because my heart wouldn't stop pounding. I couldn't sleep because my hands wouldn't stop shaking. I couldn't sleep because my mind wouldn't stop running.
I couldn't sleep because I knew Lip was sleeping two houses over.
But mainly I couldn't sleep because Kev and Vee were going at it like animals upstairs. Very loudly.
I didn't know where else to go after Vee doctored me up. I didn't want to go back to the Gallagher's because even though Fiona said it was okay, I knew it wasn't. I didn't want to go to Mandy's because her dad was out of prison. And I didn't want to go to Aunt Sarah's' because-well fuck that.
So here I am, on Kev and Vee's tiny ass couch, listening to them bang like crazy teenagers.
I didn't want to shut my eyes because I was afraid of the addict. She would for sure be haunting my dreams tonight and I couldn't handle that.
Mostly I was afraid to see Lip in my dreams. Destroyed Lip.
My phone rang from under my pillow, waking me from my haunting thoughts.
I groaned before picking up, "Hello?"
"Meet me in the back." The voice was stern and straight to the point.
I sat up, "Ian?"
"Meet me in the back." He repeated before hanging up.
I rolled my eyes, mentally preparing myself before pulling on me hoodie and shoes.
Once I stepped outside, I was greeted with the cold breeze of April. The street lights were on and the streets were empty. All you could hear were crickets and the wind. You never would have guessed that hurricane Monaco just passed 2 hours ago.
I sighed as I pulled my jacket closer to my body and made my way to the Gallagher's backyard.
As I turned the corner to their backyard, I saw Ian sitting in the old beat up van. I stopped to take in air before thinking about how I had to explain this mess to my best friend.
I opened the door to the broken down van and crawled to the back.
"Hi." I simply said as I sat next to the freckled boy.
He took a drag from a joint before handing it to me.
I shook my head.
He pulled it back to his lips, "So are you going to tell me?" Shit, he was angry. You could hear it in his voice.
"He probably already did I'm guessing." I crossed my legs and leaned against him.
Ian was always warm, just like his stupid brother.
"You didn't." He said as he blew out a gust of grey smoke.
I looked away, "I couldn't."
"You could." He fought back.
I sighed. I couldn't lie to him anymore, "I didn't know how to tell you, Ian. I didn't even know what we were."
Ian looked back at me, "You could have told me that you had feelings for him."
"I don't." I lied.
He rolled his eyes, "That's bullshit, Cash. You're both nuts about each other."
I rolled my eyes, "That's why he fucked her, right?" I wanted to throw up with the thought of them together.
It was forever etched in my mind. The look on her naked face. The look on his naked face. Both of their naked faces. Fuck.
He let out a bitter laugh, "You both have issues."
"We were just fooling around. That's it. I'm sorry I didn't tell you." I was sorry. Sorry for everything. Sorry for keeping it from him. Sorry for lying. Sorry for even trying.
"You really messed him up tonight." He put his arm around my shoulder, embracing me in his hold.
I moved closer to him, "He messed me up for life."
"Cash." He argued.
I was being an asshole. Being an asshole was easier than having feeling.
He knew I didn't want to believe his words. But I did.
I sighed, "I know, I know. It was fucked up, okay? I couldn't help it. He always says mean shit to me. Why is it okay for him to do it?"
"He does it because he cares," He admitted, "All the shit he gives you is because he cares about you, Cash."
"No he doesn't." He couldn't. He can't. If you care about someone, you don't hurt them. Ever.
"Yes he does. He's always cared about you. That's why he pushes you. You don't always make the greatest choices, Cash."
"Fuck off." I said silently not wanting to hear him out.
"But what you said, Cash." He shook his head before removing his arm, "What you said was out of hate."
I felt tears well up behind my eyes as I looked at the boy who has been there for me.
"You really love him, don't you?" He asked knowing the truth.
I turned around as a tear rolled down my cheek. I didn't want to say it out loud. If I said it out loud I would be prisoner to its effects.
I would be prisoner to the feeling. The feeling that destroy's so many people. The feeling that will tear people apart.
I was already my addicts prisoner. I didn't need more solitude.
I sniffled before fiddling with my hands, "I don't know, Ian. I don't want to."
He pulled me into his arms before burring his head in my hair while I started to cry.
"I'm scared." I admitted while more tears fell.
He picked up my hand and ran his fingers over my wrapping, "He's probably scared too."
Not as scared as me. Lip didn't have an addict in him that wanted to destroy him. He could make it in life if he really wanted to. Me? I was forever chained to my demons.
Ian held me close as more tears fell down my cheeks, causing her scratches on my face to burn. But I didn't care. Ian smelt like cologne and home. He was warm. Safe. Being in his arms was like being shielded from the world.
"Ian!" Fiona called from the kitchen causing him to groan.
I wiped my nose with my sleeve and sat up, "Go." I simply said.
Ian ran his hand down my back, "Are you sure?" I nodded, "Are you gonna be okay?"
I nodded and pushed him, "Always." I forced a smile and pushed him again.
"I'll be right back." He moved towards the door, "Don't leave." He said before disappearing.
I let out a sigh before laying back on the blankets and pillows that covered the van's floor.
What if Lip really did care about me? What if he loved me? What if he couldn't breathe without me?
Would it make a difference? What good what it be? I'd still be living on the streets. I'd still have shitty ass parents. I'd still be failing school. I'd still be damaged.
I'd still have an addict.
Even if Lip did love me that wouldn't change the fact that I was designed to be misery.
Love doesn't change a thing except your moods.
In my wildest dreams, we could be happy. We could kiss during cold nights, we could cuddle on hot days, we could make love in the middle of the day. We could be happy.
But that's not how life works. That's not how any of this works.
Lip and I are fucked up in every way possible.
I sighed as I held up my right hand. If it hurt, I couldn't feel it. I wish I could. I wish I could feel this pain rather than the pain that's in my heart.
I closed my eyes shut and replayed the last two hours. All the screaming, all the breaking, all the crying. I was a tyrant. I was destructive. But mostly, I was fucking stupid. In one fell swoop, I ruined all the good things in my life.
The van door opened and I knew.
I kept my eyes closed as I felt the blankets next to me shift. I kept my eyes closed as I felt him lay next to me. I kept my eyes closed as I felt my heart race and my skin vibrate.
He stayed quiet before speaking.
I heard him clear his throat, "Your hand gonna be okay?"
I kept my mouth shut as I felt tears burn behind my eyes. If I opened my mouth, I would scream. I would cry. Cry for him to forgive me.
I think I'm gonna barf. These butterflies feel like they're dead.I felt a huge weight on my chest that felt like it would crack my ribs at any moment. I felt broken.
He sniffled, "Cash-"
"Stop." My voice came out as a sob, "Don't say anything. Please."
The boy who broke my trust shifted next to me while my shattered heart pounded the best it could. My stomach was in knots and I felt like my whole body was on fire.
We laid there in silence in a broken van that was like a metaphor of our relationship. Broken down and old. Never to be driven again.
As badly as I wanted to reach over and kiss those crazy lips, I couldn't. As badly as I wanted to run my hand through his shaggy hair, I couldn't.
I couldn't do anything. If I did, we would start all over again only to end up here again. In limbo land with empty hearts and empty hands.
I sighed before finally opening my eyes, "You know I didn't mean it." I managed to say.
He hummed as he closed his eyes.
"You're not like Frank," I sniffled, "I don't think you'll ever be like Frank."
He opened his cursed blue eyes and looked at me.
I stared back at the boy who had blood on his cheek from my fist, "You're different, Lip. You'll always be different."
He studied my face before answering, "I don't think you're a leech." There was a pain in his voice that made me want to bury my face in his chest and hug his heart.
But I couldn't. I looked back at the ceiling of the van, "There's something wrong with us."
"Yeah," He scratched his head, "I know." I felt his hand caress my arm before interlocking his fingers with mine.
My heart started to race as my whole body felt warm. Warm from his touch. Warm from his words. Warm from his being.
With my hand in his, I felt like everything was going to be okay. But it wasn't going to be okay. It was just a touch.
As much as I loved every second of being with him, we couldn't do this without killing each other.
I closed my eyes as tears began to escape, "Lip."
He tightened his grip, "I know," His voice cracked, "Just five more minutes."
His thumb caressed my thumb as we laid in the broken van with broken hearts and minds. In that moment, our minds were still one. I didn't want to. He didn't want to. But we had to, we knew it. This was a destructive path we were on, right from the start. Now it was time. Time to move on. I knew it hurt us both but we had to.
"Five more minutes." He continued to say over and over as I cried more.
Two broken people can't mend each other. It's impossible. Not when they're so set on being broken.
I looked over to see his face in this melancholy moment and saw a tear escape from his closed eyes.
He knew it too.
He looked back at my torn up face and raised his hand to my cheek. He caressed my cheek with the back of his hand before grabbing my chin lightly.
His eyebrows were bent in thought and his eyes were a sad, pale color. His lips were turned downwards as he studied my face.
He pulled my face closer to his.
"You're beautiful." He whispered as our lips were centimeters apart.
"Five more minutes." I breathed before his lips took my bottom one and his hand came to the back of my head, clutching my hair in his hold. I gripped onto his forearms while we kissed endlessly. While we kissed the tears away and the heartache.
With the next five minutes, my heart felt like it could heal. It felt like this was possible. Like we were possible. We could make it work.
But the second his lips left mine, our worlds grew colder. We both knew.
We both knew we'd be each other's greatest heartbreak.
Lip and Cash, broken beyond repair.
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