Kennedy wraps her arms around Owen. Overpowering grief is running through all of our blood. No one could prepare us for this. Caspian couldn't. Kris couldn't. We weren't ready. We could have done more to stop Caspian from doing this. The horrible thing is, I don't think Caspian cares! Sage even stood up for him just moments ago. She was saying that maybe he has good intentions. And now she's dead at the hand of Caspian. He doesn't have good intentions. He isn't here for our group.
Lindsey makes her way to my side. She doesn't reach for my hand the way she used to. She doesn't even make an attempt to look into my eyes. Her blank stare into nothingness says it all. She's numb to it all now. She doesn't even seem to care, no emotion at all. Then it shows... A single tear drips from her eye and off her cheek.
"Lindsey," I whisper.
"Don't, Vince. What's the point of this?" she groans as she steps away and into one of the dark corners of the loft. The only proof of her presence is the squeaking and popping of the wood.
"We have to deal with it. Sometimes, people die," Caspian says, making an excuse for himself.
"No, sometimes people get people killed," Titus snarls at him.
Caspian squints his eyes at Titus, "it's not my fault she's dead. Sage had a gun. She could have fought back."
"I think we all need to stop. We're staying here tonight, but in the morning we're leaving. We absolutely cannot stay here. They will come looking for them tomorrow," Kris raises his finger and points at Caspian with unstoppable authority. His tone changes, "and don't even begin to say anything," he professes, his face turning red in anger. "You've done enough here. Put your gun away. You will do what I say about this. Do you understand me?" With his eyebrows squinting towards each other, he lets his question linger in the barn.
Caspian raises his hands and begins to clap at him, letting a second or two pass between each clap. Clap. Clap. Clap.
Kennedy flips her hair over her shoulder, "you better stop while you're ahead. I don't think you have a clue."
Titus follows her lead, "he doesn't have a clue."
Caspian grabs his gun, forcing everyone to jump and prepare for another battle. Titus is the first to point his gun at him. Caspian chuckles, "calm down, little boy," as he throws his gun on the ground toward Kris' feet. "Take your dumb gun. I'll do what you say, but by my choice." His voice changes back to its usual scratch.
Kris picks the gun up and zips it in one of the bags. Caspian takes his shirt off and turns it into a pillow. He lays his head on the ground and closes his eyes. The way he can just brush it all off of his shoulders, Sage's death, like it's nothing. It's disgusting. It turns my stomach.
Kris calls us all to a meeting. Everyone but Caspian attends. We all sit in a circle on the soggy floor of the loft. I can barely see Mika's face, but from what I can see, she's furious. Her cheeks are no longer pale; they're red like a scar.
Kris begins, "it's hard to let go, and you don't have to. Sage was a great girl, and she helped us all out. It's not okay... Mika, I know."
"Caspian..." she begins to say. Her own emotions interrupt her.
"Caspian doesn't understand, I know. We have to stay together. We all want to live, to survive the sleepers. We're still in the sleeper zone. We must fight and protect ourselves," Kris continues.
"You're right. We are strong," Titus says as he points to all of us, "Caspian is not us."
Owen brings up a great point, "we still have to keep us safe. What are we doing for watch?"
"That's exactly what I was about to say. We should have two people on watch. I'll stay in the back end of the barn all night. I'll get some sleep here and there. I think two people should stay at the large watch window that looks over the house. Rotate out sometimes, and have guns on you."
Kennedy volunteers and something tells me I should watch with her. We make eye contact, and she nods her head.
"Sounds good," Kris tells us as he climbs to his feet, "hey, I don't know if I ever said this to any of you, but thank you. I wouldn't be able to survive without you all. Really, I mean it." The sincerity in his voice ripples through us. I've never seen him this vulnerable. Titus gives him a hug and mumbles something to him that I can't understand, but it's evident he is trying to hold back his tears by his shaking voice. Aren't we all?
Owen grabs Mika's hand and leads her to the left side of the loft. Not in a romantic way, but in a way of encouragement and being with her. No one wants to feel alone, especially when you're dealing with all of this.
Kennedy and I sit on the edge of the window, letting our feet dangle. The rain grazes us, but we don't mind. It's a comforting fountain from the sky.
"Kennedy, I can't look at that," I tell her. She knows I'm talking about the dead sleepers behind the house. "Watch my back, just in case," I tell her as I make my way down the ladder and out the back of the barn.
My foot sinks into the shallow mud. As I get closer to the bodies, it's almost like they have a presence. It's like when a principal walked into the classroom when you did something wrong. It's really just another person, but they have something about them. This presence. This feeling of regret. This feeling hits me when I can see the bodies. We had to kill these people...
The smell is repulsing. The tainted blood mixed with the soggy mud. I grab the sleeper Caspian and Kris shot and drag him to the side of the house, hiding him in the dark. He's heavy and his blood hides in his black combat suit.
The other sleeper is frightfully foul. Mika really did some damage on him. He's not anywhere near identifiable. I grind my teeth and drag him by his bloody hands and lay him beside his evil accomplice.
On the way back to the barn, I use the draining water to wash my hands. I've always heard the phrase 'blood on my hands' thrown around loosely. It actually does have weight. It's proof of someone's life being taken away by your hands. I didn't kill these men, but I was involved in it. I think of the sleeper I killed in Kris' house. I took his life, and it affected me in ways I can't explain. I never—never—thought I would kill someone...
Sometimes you have to do the wrong thing for the right reasons. I wash the blood off my hands and go back to join Kennedy.
"Watching you do that makes me hate Caspian even more. It's all him," she tells me.
"He's poison," I say. Then I flash back to one of the last things Sage told me. Loose lips sink ships.
"Maybe it's the things we say to Caspian. What if it's the way we turn him into a villain that makes him do those things. What if it's our words that are poisoning him. Maybe he wants to fill the mold we're making for him."
"Caspian would jump the gun at any moment, but maybe you're right. We should watch what we say, especially if the guy's crazy," Kennedy looks at the ground and does what she should: change the subject.
Kennedy leans closer to me, splashing the water on the floor away from us and back into the rain. "You're kinda therapeutic, Vince."
"What do you mean?" I ask her.
"You're here, and you try to make sure everything is working out. You do what you have to do and keep moving."
"I didn't at first. I think trauma slowly turns to scars, and scars don't go away."
"I think these wounds, these scars, are changing all of us. We're all doing things we never thought we would have to. I mean, if pain doesn't change you... what's the point?"
And in this moment, we're with each other. I'm almost feeling comfort with Kennedy, and for a brief second, we neglect our duty to watch and keep us safe.
Iignore Lindsey, alone in the dark corner. I ignore the possible threats roamingaround outside. I ignore the rain pooling up around us. I look at Kennedy'splump lips. I catch her looking at mine. I lean in, hoping she'll take myinvitation. She braces herself on the saturated wood beneath us. We leantowards each other, meeting in the middle and letting our lips touch.