Burning with Renunciation
August 22, 1985
Anandashram, Kerala
Dear Mom (& Dad & others, etc.),
Things sure sound pitiful over there! Gee, what a Play the Lord has going on! Being immersed in it is the worst thing. Fine, if everything falls on top of me and the world plays with me like a rag doll, but at least let me remember that it’s all Him playing with Himself, then I don’t mind. I have this one picture on my alter, of Sai laughing and clapping on stage (while he was watching the boy’s gymnastics display, the “Sai Boater” Darshan day in November 1984). Every time I look at it, I feel as if I'm on the ‘stage of life’ and He’s laughing and saying, “Yes, Eileen! Well done!” So it reminds me over and over, to take His ‘stupid’ play, with a light heart. (Hard!)
I liked your line in your letter, “Surely you plan to stay in Prasanthi Nilayam now?” Sure, I planned to. Only Baba (Public Relations) planned differently!! Now what can I do to that? That was soo funny! “No you can't have a room, get on the next bus to Anantapur.” Ha, ha!!! Poor fellows, they’re only trying to do their job, and follow Swami’s orders. Chiranjivi Rao made one comment halfway under his breath, in a disciplining tone, but with a trace of humbleness and compassion, that I had caused them much distress by my unwillingness to depart (when first asked to leave in May). They outwardly make a show of being harsh and unbending, but I see a bit of marshmallow in them. :-)
Sad that it’s not the brightest atmosphere there. Maha you sound soo distressed! But remember your name: Maha, Great! You’re like frosted flakes. Remember you’re the king of lions, you have God Himself in you. God loves you! You’re Great!! Remember that your very own Master is Yukteswarji, the Lion of Bengal. I see him smiling. It’s your play, Mahaji. Don’t get too involved. (Sure, I'm one to speak!)
Everything goes alright here. Days are filed with God, God, God. It’s put my mind in lots of strange states. I’ve been reading ‘Gospel of Sri Ramakrishna,’ it’s great. Written by “M” - guess who? Master Mahasaya from Autobiography of a Yogi! I never knew that. Wonderful book – hooray for Ramakrishna.
I’ve picked up song lingo from the book – fills me with inspiration. I go around saying, ‘Syama! Dark-hued Krishna with the thousand-petelled eyes!’ ‘Enchanting Mother Kali, grant us Thy Grace!’ ‘Gora (Lord Chaitanya), who cries while singing Lord Hari’s name! The Earth is shaking under the waves of his love, the golden-hued one! Jai!’ ‘Oh, where is my Krishna, the sweet one? His bewitching smile is found in the trees, and blowing in the wind!’ Etc. Pretty funny, huh?
Sometimes I feel I am walking around as all-light, sometimes I feel as a small useless lump of clay on the ground. Sometimes I go about singing Krishna songs, sometimes I go around reasoning, “Who am I? Is all this real? What is illusion??” I'm in a sea of nothingness one moment; then think I'm in a concrete world the next. And the next I'm thinking that the lady walking by is Sita, the broad-chested one is Hanuman with a tail behind him, and Krishna is on the tree-branch smiling. Weird huh?! Now all this is on the imagination plane, none are actual experiences or visions. They’re things that suddenly appear on my consciousness screen, and change my way of seeing the world.
Then sometimes I'm “normal,” whatever that is. When I really look hard at myself, I see all these changing experiences but “my” mind was only a witness all along. I find that, the best thing to do is plunge into unending japa, not even paying attention to the witness-consciousness. I find the best rule of thumb is to see all these changes, saying all along, “Fine, Lord, You do what you like, You change me as You like. I'm going to lie inert and you do what You like, play with this jiva consciousness as You like. Your like, not mine! I don’t know anything, You alone know what’s best for me.”
Yesterday after reading Gospel, I felt this burning desire for renunciation. Giving up all, just me and mantra remaining. Then I feel an attraction for the beautiful bhajans and devotees who love God… but even then I feel a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. Uck! I try to reason that all is God – a bhakta’s view, but it doesn’t work. I clearly see that I have completed a big circle – I have returned to the same burning feelings I had in the months after I had just started the spirtual Path in this life. I’ve seen other circles completed, smaller ones, but this is the Big, 3½ year circle. I do not know what will happen now – either Liberation or another circle!
Sometimes I see that I am nowhere. But I think this is just to get rid of my faith; then I think, “Poo! So what if I'm nowhere? God can take a thousand or million years with me, I don’t care. It’s all up to Him. My job is only to do as much as I can.”
For a few days I was having neat experiences with Mataji – it was like at Prasanthi Nilayam with Baba - I’d think something and she’s look or nod at appropriate times. Now she’s been staring at me and I swear I'm looking straight at Baba. Really!! (The eyes, the Eyes!)
It’s been sunny, with winds, these last few days. The monsoons haven’t been good this year. I’ll probably go to Mysore next, but only because Sai has put the idea in my head. It makes me sick to think of going “out in the world.” Hope things are better there!!
Much Love,
Eileen