I was, to say the least, nervous about seeing Phil. And about the prospect of possibly seeing Dan, although that was unlikely seeing as Phil and I were meeting in a public place. But still - something uncomfortable bubbled at the back of my head as I changed.
Phil was sitting by the window with his hands wrapped around a coffee. I gave him a small wave as I passed him, and he was standing by the time I was in the store.
'Phil!' I said excitedly, wrapping my arms are him in a big hug.
'Meg!' He replied, and we sat down. He pushed a second coffee over to me. 'I got you the caramel latte, as requested.'
I was a little breathless from my quick jog from the train station, seeing as I was ten minutes late. 'So sorry about that,' I told him, digging through my bag for my wallet. 'How much was it? I'll give you a fiver.'
Phil shook his head. 'No, no, I'll shout,' he said, smiling. I must have looked like I wanted to protest, because he lent forwards, saying, 'I insist.'
'Alright,' I said reluctantly, pocketing my wallet. 'But I'm shouting next time, alright?'
He nodded. 'So! How have you been?' Phil asked happily. 'How's uni going? Dan told me you were doing design.'
I took a sip of my coffee. Ah. Sweet caffeine. 'Yeah, yeah, good. I got into architecture this year, which is what I was aiming for.'
'Oh sweet! What kind of architecture do you want to do?' He asked.
I felt the blush before I could stop it. I always felt a bit embarrassed when people asked me what I want to specialise in, because to most people, it sounds frankly weird. 'Um, jails, actually,' I said. Before Phil could go wtf I started rattling off my reasons. 'It's kind of a challenge, you know? Like houses are fun and all that, but with jails, you have to cover everything. You have to anticipate every kind of escape attempt and thwart it before it's even been thought of. Like, is that material for the door good enough? Or is it too malleable? Could someone use a toothbrush to roll the sheets back? That sort of thing. You have to think of everything and everything. Get inside the mind of the criminal.'
Phil had an open expression of wonder. 'Whoa. That's so cool.'
I was still blushing. 'Thanks,' I said bashfully. 'It really fascinates me.' I spun the coffee cup in my hands, my palms hot. 'What about you? Any crazy new adventures on the horizon? TATINOF 2?'
Phil sighed. 'I wish! I really miss being on the road and seeing all you guys. We've got this big Youtube party thing on after the BONCAs next Saturday.' Phil's face split into a grin. 'Oh, you should totally come! It'll be so fun.'
I nearly coughed up my coffee. 'Um, what?'
'You should come to the party!' Phil insisted. 'Everyone will be there. Dan will probably take Bess, so they'll be off socialising, so I need someone to hang with.' He looked so excited, like a little kid on Christmas morning. 'You can be my date!'
I'm not going to lie, the idea of going to a Youtube party was more than mildly thrilling. My Youtube obsession had waned a little over the past few months, but I knew it would still be the best party I ever went to. Still, I was reluctant. I would stick out like a sore thumb. Everyone around me - hundreds of thousands of subscribers. Meg Cartwright? A big fat 0.
'I don't know, Phil,' I said glumly. 'Would I even be welcome? I'm not exactly 'up there' when it comes to internet famous.'
Phil waved my concerns off. 'No one would care, trust me. People bring their non-Youtube friends all the time.' He gave me the pleading-eyes. Oh fuck, not the pleading-eyes, I thought. 'Please Meg? We'd have a blast. We could wear matching outfits! Plus, I don't want to be third-wheeling Dan and Bess all night.' He was trying not to smile. 'Free alcohol?'
I shook my head in defeat. 'Ah, you got me,' I said. 'Free alcohol is my weakness. I'll come.' Phil grinned, doing a little fist pump. I laughed, settling into a warm smile. 'Thanks, Phil. It's so lovely of you to invite me. And we will have a blast. I'm not so sure about matching outfits, though.'
'What! Are you kidding? We'll look great! We should go shopping later.' He looked down at his watch, then back to me. 'Actually, what about now?'
I shrugged. I wasn't used to spontaneous plans, but hey, I was in London. It was the time to be as spontaneous as possible. 'Why not?'
We were at out fourth shop, and Phil had found a snazzy pale-pink top he really liked. He picked it off the shelf and waved it in front of him, and I gave him finger-guns. I know. Kill me.
'Looks snazzy,' I told him. 'And I'm glad it's not black like the last one. Or we'd look like we were going to a wake. Not exactly very festive.'
This meant I was also wearing light pink, which I was alright with. It had never been my favourite colour seeing as it was so stereotypically girly, but as long as we found something without ruffles I was going to be happy.
We dug through the racks of dresses, and I pulled out this slinky-looking thing in a pale, shimmery pink colour. It was almost exactly the shade as Phil's shirt, which was perfect, since we'd decided to be obtrusively irritating pricks and go with the matching outfits.
'I'll try it on quickly,' I told him, ducking into a change room.
I tugged the dress on, adjusting the strappy shoulders and the front so my bra wasn't hanging out. I stood back, admiring it in the mirror. Yep, this is the one. I stripped off and changed quickly back into my jeans, and then met Phil outside.
'Did you like it?' He asked, and I nodded, so we headed over to the checkout. Phil, being the gentleman he was, offered to pay, but I slammed my debit card down and slid it over, eyeing him off.
'Are you sure? I don't mind-'
'Philip,' I said, glaring at him. 'I'm paying. Deal?'
A small smile twitched at his lips. 'Deal.'
Afterwards we walked side by side, bags hitting each other every now and then, and Phil told me about this new couch he'd bought for his room. He told me I absolutely had to see it, so we caught a cab back to his apartment. As we walked up the stairs I glanced around, by bag hitting my hip as we walked.
'Wow, so I finally see the famous Howell-Lester residence,' I said as we reached the apartment door. 'You do realise I know where you live now. I can stalk you twenty-four-seven!'
Phil grinned at me. 'Well, at least you don't have to stalk anymore. You can just come on over and call it 'friendship'.'
I laughed, knocking Phil gently in the arm with my fist. 'Oh, look who's come out to join us. Sassy Phil has emerged.'
Phil gave me a little eyebrow-wiggle that made me let out a snort of a laugh. 'Sassy Phil is always waiting, just beneath the surface.'
I followed him in, the door shutting quietly beneath us. I looked around curiously - it felt strange, like when you leave the house and you come back into your room and knew you mum had changed things around a little. I recognised everything, but it was from new, strange angles.
'Do you want a cup of tea?' Phil asked, and I nodded, so he put the kettle onto boil. As it was boiling he led me into his room, which was surprisingly clean considering he wasn't expecting to have people over. My room usually looked like the radioactive aftermath of WWIII unless someone was specifically coming over.
'See!' Phil said excitedly, pointing to the new rainbow addition to his room. 'It's so nice, and so, so comfy. Like sinking your butt into a cloud of unicorn milk.'
'You realise you've reached adulthood when you get this excited about furniture,' I told Phil, sitting down next to him. I nodded my head from side to side, assessing. 'You're very right though. Quite unicorn-milk-esque.'
'It's good to see you again,' Phil said suddenly. I rolled my head over so I could see him. He was smiling, somewhere between happy, nostalgic, and maybe a little bit sad. 'I hope we can be friends.'
I reached over and gave his arm a small squeeze. I was going to go for hand, but that felt too intimate. 'We are friends, dummy,' I told him. 'I mean, we've got matching outfits now. We're essentially besties,' I said, and Phil laughed. 'But I know what you mean. Better friends.'
Phil gave me the same complicated smile. 'To being better friends.'
The sound of the front door opening slipped between our words with the muted shuffling of indistinct movement outside. I glanced over my shoulder.
'Dan must have come home early,' Phil said, sitting up.
I'm not going to lie, I was scared shitless by the prospect of seeing Dan. Total, paralysing fear and humiliation turned me into a jittering ball of nerves, bringing heat to my cheeks. I could feel Phil watching me.
We're all adults, I told myself. Adults. We do adult stuff, like suppress our feelings and be cordial despite burning cesspools of anger festering just behind the polite smiles.
'Um, are you going to be okay?' Phil asked, a little nervously. I slipped on the polite smile.
'Yeah, fine,' I said. There were footsteps in the hall until Dan's head popped around the corner.
'Hey, Phil, I-' he froze mid-sentence when he noticed me beside Phil. He blinked. A plastic bag tucked around his thumb hung awkwardly in the silence.
'I should probably go,' I mumbled to Phil, shouldering my bag. 'I've got an early lecture tomorrow. And I promised my friend I'd get up early make pancakes with her.' Lie. All lies. Although I do really feel like pancakes now. I gave Phil a tight smile, standing. Dan was still motionless in the doorway.
'Oh, of course,' Phil said, wiping his hands on his jeans. He gave me a quick hug. 'Do you want me to walk you to the door?'
'Nah,' I said. 'I think I've got it. I know this house embarrassingly well, remember?'
Phil gave me his signature smile. 'Alright. Well, I'll text you about next weekend. It was good seeing you!'
'Yeah, you too, dude,' I said with a smile.
I headed out towards the door, head down as I brushed quickly past Dan, not even looking up. I wasn't sure I could look up without combusting all at once. I was halfway to the front door when Dan called out, 'wait, Meg!'
I ignored him, power-walking past the kitchen and to the front door. I was about to swing it open and make my escape when Dan's hand slapped again the wood, his tall frame stretched out behind me.
I let out a long breath. 'What do you want, Dan?'
'Again, what happened to "we're adults, Dan". Although I think you used a fair amount more cussing.'
I turned around slowly. 'I'm Australian. Swearing is in my bloodstream,' I said drily, and a hint of a smile twitched at the edge of his mouth. And then I was looking at his lips, and thinking about the kiss. Oh fuck. I looked back to his eyes. 'Fine. How's this: what do you want, Dan?' I put on my nicest voice, although it was very obviously dripping with irritation. He smiled for real this time, but it lasted only a second before fading back into his face.
'I just want to talk,' he said softly. 'Please?'
I let out a sigh. 'Fine. Two minutes.'
We went outside, Dan shutting the apartment door softly beside him. We sat in the hallway on the stairs, the lights off, shadows creeping up the walls. I tucked myself around my knees, bringing them up to my chin.
'It's been a long time,' Dan said eventually.
I pouted. 'Mn. Four months, to be exact.'
'Four months is a long time, Meg.' His hand reached for me in the shadows but I pushed him away, staring ahead. 'You've got to understand that.'
'I do understand that,' I said. 'I do. Honestly. You've moved on, I get it.' My anger suddenly fizzled away like water washing over the sand. I rubbed half my face with my hand. 'I just want to be friends, alright? Can we just be friends?'
'Of course,' Dan said, and his hands were around mine, pulling them close. 'Of course. I want to be friends.'
I looked down at our hands - his around mine, like a kind of cocoon. 'Friends don't hold hands like that,' I said quietly, and there was a long moment before he released them. I tucked them between my knees. 'So, who's the girl?'
'What?'
'Who's the girl? The girlfriend you mentioned.'
Dan seemed surprised by the question. 'Uh...her name's Bess.'
I nodded, although it felt like someone had emptied the contents of a knife store inside me and was having a party in my chest. 'Is she a Youtuber, like you?'
'Yeah. Smaller, though. Six-hundred-thousand subscribers.'
'What's she like?'
Dan let out a breath, rubbing his chin. 'I don't know. She's sweet. Kind. Pretty.'
'So essentially everything I'm not.'
Dan gave me a husky laugh. 'You're pretty,' he said quietly, and I bit my lip, looking away. The hallway was so quiet the silence felt tangible, like we were swimming in it. It was so still, but inside of me, it was like everything was breaking all at once.
'She sounds great,' I said eventually, trying to keep the bitterness out of my voice. 'I really should go, though.'
Dan nodded. 'Yeah, alright.' We stood, and there was this long moment of awkwardness as we tried to decide what to do. He bent in for a hug but it felt stilted - like our first ever hug, at the meet and greet, when he didn't know who I was. That's what it was. It felt like we didn't know each other anymore. All those months of conversation unwound to a single, bare string, and we were strangers again.
On the train ride home, I thought about Dan. I thought about him tucked around a pretty girl and I let out a soft, quiet sigh to myself, watching the endless wall of black pass outside the glass. It's really, really over, I thought to myself. We are slightly-familiar strangers from the past, meeting again. And this is how it's going to be.
And that made me sad. I lent my head up against the back of the seat.
Nice to meet you, Dan. I'm Meg. I think we've met before, but that was a long time ago.
*gives you all finger guns*
what's crack-a-lackin mi amigos
hope you enjoyed this chapter! phil and meg are an awesome friendship duo hey? should clarify that they've chatted a few times over twitter during the four months, just not to the extend that dan and her did.
let me know if you liked it!
xx