:•: autumn :•:
We listened to Joshua's band the rest of the drive up there, and I was completely surprised by how much I enjoyed it. Every song was so unique and had a different message that I tried to decipher. The reason I never liked pop music or never really listened to the radio was because I hated the shallowness of the lyrics, but I never thought about looking for a band that had deep lyrics. I honestly didn't know there was until I heard twenty one pilots.
Joshua told me they had four albums, but apparently he joined the band after their first album. They had so many songs, and I wanted to listen to them all. There were a couple songs that really stuck out to me though. I liked the song Taxi Cab a lot because Tyler's voice was so beautiful and I really related to the lyrics. I also liked this song, Ode to Sleep... I think that's what it's called? I'm not sure why exactly, but I really loved it. I didn't exactly catch the meaning of the lyrics cause Tyler was rapping so fast, but for some reason that song stood out to me.
I was still disturbed by the screaming I heard in some of the songs like Goner and Ruby, but I think I was starting to understand it more. The screaming was just so different to me because I had never heard any screaming in music before, and I guess I had never really thought that screaming should be in a song, but it kinda worked in a weird way. I just needed time to get used to it.
Joshua was so easy to be around that the car ride flew by incredibly fast. He loved watching me react to his music, and I loved watching him react to the beauty of the mountains around him. We were both sharing something that was important to us.
We finally got to our destination, and I could tell Joshua looked confused.
"Are you sure this is right?" He asked, clearly doubting me.
We were pulled off to the side of a road in the middle of the forest, with no cars around.
"Yep!" I said excitedly. "I know it doesn't look like there's anything there, but I actually found a hidden path a while ago and ever since then it's been my getaway location".
He smiled. "Let's go then! We're losing daylight!" He laughed as he got out of the car and grabbed the bag of Taco Bell that was in the backseat.
I smiled at his enthusiasm as I grabbed my backpack and slung it over my shoulders. I re-tied my hiking boots and pulled my hat on over my short, blonde hair.
"You sure are more prepared than I am!" Joshua laughed.
I blushed. I still had not gotten used to how adorable his laugh was.
I looked over at him and noticed he was wearing black Adidas sweatpants with the white stripes down the sides, and had a light baby blue hoodie on.
I felt the heat in my cheeks rise even more. He looked extremely good... I snapped out of my daze and looked away, obviously embarrassed. Hopefully he didn't see me staring at him.
"Lucky for you I brought blankets" I joked. "Maybe next time you'll be more prepared" I smirked.
"Next time?" He winked at me.
OH MY GOODNESS. I didn't think it was possible for my cheeks to grow any redder than they already were, but then again I had never seen Joshua wink. Especially AT ME. Not to mention I just completely embarrassed myself and assumed he actually wanted to hang out with me again.
Crap you're an idiot Autumn! But he did wink at you... what does that mean??? Probably nothing... ugh I need to get a grip. I can't feel weak and start blushing every time he looks at me! What is wrong with me, ahh this is a disaster.
I looked down at the ground, trying to hide the fact that my face looked like a tomato.
I heard Joshua chuckle behind me. He gently wrapped his arms around my shoulders in a gigantic bear hug from behind.
"I'm just kidding, Autumn" he whispered.
I'm pretty sure I completely stopped breathing. Also fairly certain that Joshua gives the best hugs on the face of the earth.
"I would absolutely love to hang out with you again" he pulled away and smiled at me.
I smiled back. How was I supposed to hike when I couldn't feel my legs. This may turn out to be a problem...
"This way!" I said as I led the way through the trees.
We walked together through the forest for about ten minutes until I found my secret trail.
I abruptly stopped right before leading the way onto it and turned around, facing Joshua.
"I've never shown anyone this before..." I started quietly, looking Joshua in his deep brown eyes.
He gently grabbed my hands and started rubbing the back of them with his fingers.
"Thank you for showing it to me then" he smiled. "I'm really excited".
I smiled back, regaining my energy. I absolutely loved the mountains, and I couldn't wait to show him everything.
"Come on!" I giggled as I grabbed his hand and led him through the trees and onto the small path.
Dark green evergreen trees and beautiful wildflowers of every color imaginable lined the narrow dirt path. Nothing was disturbed or out of place. It was so calm and quiet, the only sounds coming from Joshua's and my footsteps, and the occasional sound of a bird in the trees.
The dried pine needles crackled beneath our feet as we walked side by side in a comfortable silence, in awe of the nature surrounding us. No matter how many times I came up here, I would never get used to how beautiful it was. The mountains were my favorite place in the world.
We walked through the meadow until the flowers and evergreens gradually faded away as we started up the steepest part of the mountain. We were already above tree-line, and I checked to see if Joshua was doing ok.
"How're you doing?" I asked. "Has the altitude affected you yet?"
He nodded as he tried to catch his breath. "I...I'm not... I'm not used to having... so little air".
I tried to stifle a laugh. Here I was with this incredibly muscular and in shape man, and the altitude completely hindered him! I couldn't hold it back anymore, I started laughing uncontrollably.
He gave me a weird look that broke into a smile as he shook his head.
"You... you Colorado people..." he took a deep breath, "are insane!"
This only made me laugh harder. It had been a while since I laughed until my stomach hurt. It felt so good to be so purely happy and not worry about anything. I finally calmed down and smiled at him.
"How... how... do you have enough... air... to laugh?" Joshua asked with a completely shocked expression on his face.
I laughed a little more. "I was born in the mountains so I guess my body is used to it" I shrugged.
I took my backpack off and unzipped it so that I could grab a water bottle for Joshua. He smiled his thanks as I handed it to him. After he finished drinking, I put it back and we continued hiking. I had a smiled plastered on my face the entire time. The mountains and Joshua was the best combination ever. This day couldn't get any better.
We hiked for about another hour, taking breaks about every ten minutes. They were mostly for Joshua, but I didn't want him to feel bad so I pretended I needed them too. I knew it wasn't because he was out of shape, his body was incredibly toned, but altitude really can change everything, especially for someone who isn't used to it.
We finally reached the top of the mountain. I stood, staring at the view, with Joshua standing right next to me.
"Wow" he whispered.
I nodded. The top of the mountain overlooked the valley we had hiked through with the evergreens and wildflowers. In every direction surrounding us were large, dark purple mountains, with trees dotted everywhere. The sun was just beginning to set behind the mountain range, casting an orange glow throughout the sky. The pale orange clouds spread across the darkening sky, creating contrast with the dark mountains. We had made it just in time.
(So this is a picture I took when I went backpacking for a week and it's kind of what I'm basing autumn's spot off of so I didn't know how else to describe it cause it was literally the prettiest thing I've seen in my entire life. Let me know if u like the pictures in here or not)
I shrugged off my backpack and opened it, taking out one of the blankets and laying it on the ground. I sat down and motioned Joshua to come sit next to me. His mouth was hanging wide open as he stared in awe of the view. He sat down close to me, and I laid the other blanket over our legs. It was beginning to get colder now that the sun was setting.
"I think this is the prettiest view I've seen in my entire life" Joshua said, still shocked by what he was looking at.
I smiled. "So it was worth the hike?" I asked, looking at him.
"Definitely" he smiled back at me.
We sat in silence staring at the stunning sky as the sun slipped behind the mountains.
Finally the sun was completely hidden, and the sky was pitch black. I shivered from the cold as I pulled the blanket tight around my body. I feel Joshua's warm body shift closer to me as he wrapped his arm around my shivering shoulders. I leaned my head on his shoulder, grateful for his warmth.
Because we were so far away from any city or town, the black sky was filled with bright shining stars.
"Thank you" Joshua said, breaking the silence?
"For what?" I asked, smiling contently as I leaned against him.
"For bringing me here" he said. "You were right, it is special. Somehow it completely clears your mind from any worry".
"Mhmm" I said. "The mountains are my favorite place in the world".
"Can I ask you something?" Joshua said.
"Of course" I responded, tensing up slightly.
"What caused you to have anxiety attacks at the concert?" He asked.
I froze up. I felt my whole body tense up. I did not want to talk about my anxiety now. Joshua would think I was crazy and psychotic. He probably would never talk to me again.
Joshua wrapped his other arm around me into a tight hug as he rested his head atop mine. His touch calmed me down instantly and made me feel safe within his arms. I took a deep breath.
"For as long as I can remember I've struggled with anxiety" I started. "Even when I was little, I would get worked up over every small thing. It only continued to worsen as I got older. I was bullied pretty badly in middle school, which caused me to have panic attacks to begin with. I would cry myself to sleep every night and be terrified to go to school the next day. Around that time I also began to put a lot of pressure on myself to be who everyone said I should. I was pressured to get good grades, look a certain way, and be the best at everything. I became so anxious all of the time that I would literally make my self physically sick. I never realized that I had a problem because I had dealt with it my entire life. I just thought it was normal".
I paused for a moment, letting my words sink in. Joshua hugged me tighter and encouraged me to continue.
"Around high school is when it really became a problem. The pressure was even more intense to do well at school and get scholarships to college as well as to be popular and athletic. I never really fit in with my classmates and they always judged me. That when I developed my depression" I sighed. "Everything went downhill from there. I couldn't find the energy to wake up in the mornings, but I was terrified to go to sleep every night. When I did sleep, I would wake up from an anxiety attack not knowing why, and cry myself back to sleep. I isolated myself from everyone. I couldn't find anything I enjoyed" I stopped.
"I wanted to die."
I felt tears begin to rush down my face as I felt my body begin to shake. Talking about it was hard, but with Joshua comforting me, I knew I had a safe place to share what I'd been through.
"Did your parents try to help at all?" He asked.
"I mean, they did what they thought was best" I replied. "They had never experienced anxiety or depression, so they had no way to know what I was going through. They would also become extremely angry at me for being depressed because they provided such an amazing life for me, and they said I wasn't appreciating it. It really wasn't the case though. I realized how blessed I was, and I was so thankful for that, but I couldn't get rid of my depression and anxiety no matter what I did. My parents put so much pressure on me to have a job, get a scholarship to college, and everything else that I only became more depressed and anxious. I learned to hide it from them though. I barely ever slept, usually getting 2-3 hours of sleep a night. I was all alone, and didn't know what was wrong with me" the tears streamed down my face quicker as my vision began to blur.
"College was a little better since I was away from my parents, but I still struggle with it everyday" I shuddered.
Joshua gently wiped the tears from my face.
"At the concert, I lost my friend in the crowd going into the venue and I just completely panicked. I felt so alone and so helpless that my body sort of went into shock. And then when you told me that you were famous, I was so embarrassed that I went into shock again. I thought that you would judge me and I would be humiliated in front of everyone".
"Autumn, I would never ever judge you for something like that" Joshua said. "I struggled with anxiety and depression too a lot when I was growing up and I still do. I completely understand what you're going through and I'm so grateful that I was able to help you because I've been in the same position".
"Really?" I asked, looking up into his eyes.
"Really" he assured me. "A lot of times before I go on stage I get physically sick and have anxiety attacks too" he looked back into my eyes.
He smiled at me and I felt a gigantic smile grow across my face. Finally someone understood me! He didn't judge me at all, and he completely accepted me for who I was.
I smiled through my tears and threw my arms around his neck, pulling him into a hug. He fell over backwards and I let out a little cry as I fell on top of him. We laughed quietly together as I laid my head on his chest and stared up at the stars. He wrapped his arm around my body, pulling me closer to him. I felt so incredibly safe, like nothing in the world could hurt me in this moment. Joshua had such a calming affect on me. How had I survived without him in my life?
"Thank you" I whispered.
... :) yep! Hope you guys liked this chapter! It's my longest one yet I'm pretty sure. Again, let me know if you liked the pictures in there or if I should take them out. Also, what are your ideas of a perfect date? Just wondering cause I might include some of your ideas in future chapters! Yay! Thanks so much for reading and I'd love to hear any suggestions. Have a great night and stay alive |-/