As I walked into Ashley's office, I could feel my entire body begin to tremble. It had taken all of my strength to drive here from the ball. Now that I was here, I wasn't sure what I was going to say. How could I tell the person who had been trying so hard to fix me that I was permanently shattered. There was no helping me now, not after Sam. He had ruined me. There would be no final piece falling into place, only a scattered puzzle that would never be solved.
Tears fell down my cheeks as I collapsed against the wall. Ashley found me there sometime later, sobbing and broken. She did not ask questions, she simply guided me into her office and helped me to sit. We sat in silence for what felt like hours as she made me some tea. By the time she brought me the warm mug, my entire being had gone numb. In some ways this was even scarier than all the pain. Instead I felt nothing. No emotion. I longed to feel something, anything but this numb void.
Ashley listened calmly as I told her that I would be leaving. She gave me a sympathetic look before her professional facade slipped back into place.
"I have a therapist I can refer you to there. I'll give him a call and tell him all that we have been working on." She got up and walked over towards the back cabinets. "In the meantime, I'll refill your sleeping pills so you won't have to worry about getting them down in Texas." She handed me the pale bottle. My hand numbly took the drugs. I had a feeling that I wouldn't be getting much sleep anytime soon.
"Thank you." My voice felt wrong, different, not quite me.
"Here is my phone number. When you're ready to talk about things, give me a call." With those last words her professional facade broke and she pulled me up into a fierce hug. I felt a small crack in my numb haze as I held onto her like a lifeline.
"I'll call."
She nodded. Giving me a sad smile she walked me out to the car.
I sat there in the parking lot for what felt like hours. Eventually I gathered the courage to call my boss and tell him about my abrupt departure. He took it well, better than I expected. He gracefully offered to write me a recommendation if I ever needed a referral. I thanked him, his kindness bringing tears once more to my eyes.
When I arrived back at the mansion everything was silent. The other's had not yet come back from the ball. After walking numbly up the stairs, I began to pack my things. The ache in my ribs made every movement painfully jarring, but it was easy to ignore the pain. I had dealt with pain my entire life.
But the pain I felt because of Sam was different than anything I had felt in a long time. It was like my mother's death all over again. The pain of her death was similar to the pain I felt now. This wasn't any type of physical pain, but for some reason it hurt worse.
I ended up curled up on my bed, not caring, just existing.
Zoey found me like that later. Her eyes just as red as mine. Sam had told her. She hopped up onto the bed next to me and just held me.
"He's an asshole. I don't care that he's my brother. I won't forgive him for breaking your heart."
I cried again. Zoey was a good friend, the best. When my tears finally calmed I turned to face her.
"No."
"What?"
"No. Zoey you love your brother. I won't be the thing that tears you apart." She protested but I shook my head. "Please. I don't want to talk about him."
Her eyes gazed at me in sad understanding. "Okay."
"I'm going to miss you Zoey." And I would, desperately. She was my only friend, the only person that I trusted with my whole heart and soul. She made me a better person.
"I'm going to miss you more." I hugged her fiercely, holding on to her as if I could prevent out parting.
After what felt like hours she eventually pulled away.
"Okay don't kill me." She gave me a sheepish look.
I gave her a half hearted frown. "What did you do?"
Hopping off the bed she ran over to the door, picking up a bag that she had dropped when coming in. Opening out she dug around inside, coming out with a phone. I frowned. Walking over to me she held it out for me to take.
"It's yours. I got it for you so that we could keep in touch. You can call me whenever you want." Seeing the hopeful look in her eyes, I couldn't refuse.
Taking the phone hesitantly I tried to give her a smile. I'd never had a cellphone. Growing up, my mom had wanted me to spend more time outdoors than staring at a screen. And then she had died. A flash of grief came and went, just as it did every time I thought of her death.
"You'll be sick of me before you know it," I told Zoey with a faint smile.
"Not possible." She smiled.
Maybe this wouldn't be so bad after all. At least I would still have Zoey. And if Sam didn't want me then maybe it was for the best that I leave. I would always want him. I knew that the emotion I felt for him was not something that would just leave. He was a once in a lifetime thing for me. But if he didn't want me, then I would leave.
The next morning was full of teary eyes and hugging as Zoey and I both reluctantly headed out the door. I did not see Sam, and I was grateful. I did not know if I could bear to see him again.
As Adrian and Zoey talked in the front seat, I thought of the note that I had left in my room. I'd taken all of the money I had earned and tucked it into an envelope. My note of explanation was brief.
'This is for everything. I will mail the rest.'
Paying back my dues lifted a heavy weight off my shoulders. The guilt of taking advantage of Zoey and Sam's kindness fled as I finally was able to pay them back. I knew that Sam would hate it. I felt a jolt of satisfaction at that fact. I still felt a bitter need to try to make him hurt as much as I had. But that need was fading quickly, leaving behind only my heartache and my wish for him to be happy.
Adrian gave me a friendly hug of goodbye when we reached the airport. My final goodbye with Zoey was full of tears and promises to call as soon as we both were settled. Walking into the airport I smiled faintly as I looked back. Adrian was holding Zoey in his arms with a careful reverence. His eyes were closed but I could see the emotion clearly on his face. Zoey was blind if she truly thought that he did not care for her.
The plane ride was long and exhausting. When I finally arrived in the Dallas airport, all I wanted was to collapse into a nice warm bed. After grabbing my bags off of the conveyor belt, I walked tentatively out towards the waiting people. I looked around, wondering how this would work. Zoey had told me that my aunt would be waiting for me at the airport, but how would I know who she was. I remembered meeting her when I was little, but her face had faded into the background of my childhood memories.
My eyes landed on a sign that held my name. I felt my heart jolt as I took in the colorful decorations. My gaze traveled up to meet the eyes of the women behind the sign. Her face was kind, motherly. She reminded me of my own mother. She had a warm look on her face as her eyes scanned the crowd. When her eyes found mine she grinned broadly. She rushed towards me, sweeping me up into a startlingly fierce hug. I flinched instinctively at the contact, but soon warmed into the hug.
Maybe this was not going to be as bad as I thought. My aunt took my bag from me and ushered me into the parking lot and towards a burgundy red truck. I relaxed into the seat, the rich leather hugging me in a comforting embrace. For a moment I wondered at the richness of the fabric but the thought swiftly escaped into the back of my mind.
"Everyone is so excited to meet you. My husband was disappointed that he could not be here. He's traveling in Europe at the moment, but he'll be back by this Friday."
For a moment I was stunned into silence. How could everyone be excited to meet me. I was nothing to these people. I barely even remembered my aunt, let alone my other relatives. How many cousins did I even have?
"I'm sorry. It's been so long. I don't remember everyone . . ." A sadness entered into my tone of voice as I realized that the reason I could not remember was because for the last five years I had been locked away in my own little piece of hell. Everything from my past had either been shoved out of my mind or forgotten.
"Oh don't worry dear. We'll have you introduced to everyone again in no time." For the first time since I had arrived I saw her smile falter slightly. "Your friend told me about what happened to you. I'm so sorry sweety. You shouldn't have gone through that."
"I'm just glad it's over. Let's not dwell on it. I'd like to move forward." And maybe I would finally be able to, here in Texas. I was so far away from him, so far away from the devil and my little piece of hell. Maybe now the nightmares would finally stop and the memories would fade. Maybe all I needed was some time away, to heal, to forget.
When we pulled into a long drive I felt my heartbeat rise in anticipation. This was it. I was about to meet my family. What if what my aunt said was wrong? What if they hated me? I gulped. Nerves beat around in my stomach like the wings of a butterfly.
My jaw dropped momentarily as we pulled up before a glittering mansion. Well maybe it didn't really glitter, but it sure felt like it did. The grey stone walls of the building towered over us, accented by splashes of black and white. A vague sense of familiarity washed over me. I could have sworn I'd seen this house before. It was like something out of a dream, and yet, maybe it was out of a memory.
Stumbling out of the car I took my bag from my Aunt's hands. With my initial shock gone, I followed her as she led the way through the front door and into a massive foye. For a moment it reminded me of the mansion in Boston, and then my eyes adjusted to my surroundings. It looked nothing alike. In fact the only similarity may have been the size.
As we made our way through the house I took in the different rooms. The kitchen held a warm, welcoming feeling, making me want to break out a cookbook and do some baking. There was a large living room with a cozy couch and fireplace. As we passed more empty rooms I felt confusion spread through me. Where was everyone? Why was everything so quiet?
My aunt disappeared into a room at the very end of the hall. As I stepped into the room, everything erupted.
A clash of voices broke into a disjointed, "Surprise!"
My bag dropped limply from my hands as I took in the sight. The room was filled with people. I looked from face to face, feeling overwhelmed with gratitude. Everyone I saw gave me a friendly smile. Several children broke away from the crowd and began heading towards the back of the room where I could see a multitude of toys spread out along the carpet. People began surging towards me, smiling and introducing themselves. Some offered me hugs and others simply expressed how happy they were to finally meet me.
Some time later, in a brief moment of reprieve, I let myself truly take in my surroundings. I felt tears cloud my vision as I looked on at the smiling faces and the busy chatter. After my mom's death I'd thought that I would never feel loved again, that I would never have a family again. But I couldn't have been more wrong. I had a family. They were standing right in front of me, arms wide open and ready for me to leap into their embrace.
Okay. I cannot express how sorry I am that this took so long. I hope that I will never go this long without updating again. I will try to get back onto my schedule of updating at least once a week. I really hope you liked this update! Happy late holidays!
As always please VOTE!!!, COMMENT!!!, and SHARE!!! ~Wilde