Chapter Thirty Five
This week has been a whole lot of crazy and hectic. I've been revising and rewriting music along with attending promotion events squeezed in-between every free second of my day. Exhaustion and the horrid taste of double shot coffee has become too familiar for me.
Sleep is the one thing that occupies my mind and fills me with happiness. At least tomorrow holds excitement, my family will be touching down in New York for my performance tomorrow. I'm looking forwards to spending time with Mom and Hannah shopping before going to the final rehearsal before the show.
I still wish Dad didn't leave, it gets lonely when you're by yourself. Despite Dad always barking out orders, he did them with an appropriate decision based on my welfare. Ava on the other hand, I feel like her little toy — her machine.
Most of the time it feels like she doesn't care about me. I've yet to get some time for myself. Instead it's consisted of early morning photoshoots, lunch with bosses, talk shows and then dinner with other promoters followed by more talk shows about people bugging me about my identity and music.
I need personal time where people don't pop out of the bush with the purpose to harass and photograph me.
When we pull in front of the hotel and I feel relief. Soon I'll be inside my room and in bed. I'm going to curl up into a ball and blast the air conditioner so it's nice and cold. Maybe I'll order pizza and bug Lucy over Skype.
Since this week arrived, I haven't had much of a chance to talk to her. Just a few hurried Skype calls here and there, and the odd text message in-between car rides. Although Alex makes the perfect substitute for the friend missing in my life, his boyish charm and stride to make everything perfect continuously reminds me that he's not my best friend Lucy.
I wish she could be here tomorrow. Lucy has always been the rock that keeps me centred and on track, also the sister from another mother. We started this together and she's missing the highlights.
The sound of my door being opened pulls me out of my bubble of thoughts. Quickly, I unbuckle my seatbelt and slide out of the car and into Alex's arms. He wraps his arm tightly around my waist so that he can guide me into the hotel lobby safely.
He's such a sweet boy, adorable and thoughtful, overall simply amazing. I feel like I really could be lost without his careful guidance and reassurance. Without spending the last couple of days with him, I doubt I would be able to appear confident.
What would I do without Alex leading me through everything?
"Come on, just a little further to go," he whispers into my ear.
A yawn ripples through me and my eyelids flutter dramatically as I try to stop the droplets of water from running down my face. The heavy feeling of the fabric weighing down on my skin makes me feel uncomfortable. I really want to run my hand over my face and throw my hair back, but I can't.
Fortunately for me, the elevator doors quickly spring open and we scurry inside. It's a bit squishy, but do-able. The feeling of no air flow quickly makes the small room stuffy and hot, I'm so relieved when the doors open on our floor.
I'm the first person to leap out and make a run for my room. Images of jumping onto my bed and cuddling my pillows pushes me to walk faster.
"Someone's in a hurry." Alex chuckles.
I smile over my shoulder as I grab my key card out of my pocket and slide it through the lock system on the door. It beeps when it's been accepted and clicks as the door unlocks.
Alex, Archer and I go inside and find Ava sitting on the couch with paper work and the television running. Archer leaves for the kitchen which leaves just Alex and I alone in the middle of the open room.
"Can we speak privately?" It's not exactly the quick escape I've been dreaming about for the twenty minute car ride, but I can't say no, not after everything he's done for me.
"Let's go to my bedroom." I smile.
Heading in the direction of my room, Alex follows closely behind. I open the door and make a run for the bed. I leap through the air and land on my bed — at least I get half the fantasy.
"Did you still want to hang out tonight? I sort of planned something small, but if you're too tired, we can do it another time," he offers.
How can I say no? Just looking at his face makes me want to say yes. The way his cheeks puff up into a smile, or how the skin around his eyes sort of squint together when he's happy. Most of all, I love his glistering baby blue eyes — and they have nothing on me tonight. If this was a regular day in the crazy schedule of Ava, I would pluck a brave face and wear it.
But I'm tired and I've been wearing this stupid mask for the whole day and it's beginning to irritate me. There's a side that wants to show the real me, but I'm too scared about being judged and ridiculed by others. So I'm wearing a mask and covering myself up. People wouldn't like the real me, they've fallen in love with the mask.
"I'm really tired, we should do it another time." I rub the back of his shoulder to soften the blow. But his face still drops and my heart sinks.
"I thought you might say that." He tries to laugh, but his eyes show a different story, "I'll let you get to sleep." Alex's sad, pouty eyes shred my insides up but the heavy weight on my face comes as a heavy reminder of why I can't be reckless.
So I'm the first to make a move and get off the bed. The way Alex hesitantly moves his body show's he's stalling and hoping for a change of answers. But it won't happen.
"I'll see you tomorrow for sound check," I say.
Suddenly, his eyes go wide with excitement and I'm left confused. What did I say?
"What are you doing tomorrow?" he asks.
"Anything relaxing and takes my mind away from the performance where I might commit social suicide. How about yourself?" This gets him laughing, which is nice to see.
Alex closes the gap between us. Our toes press together and his warm hands cup my face so that I'm forced to stare into his heavy gaze. The look of sadness is erased and now replaced with determination.
"You're going to make the audience fall in love with you, not because of the light production, the dancers or my amazing music. But because you're one of those few people who still sing about something real and worth believing in." His hand shifts and rests over my heart, "don't forget where you came from or where you're going."
"Alex," I whisper.
I feel like my heart is three beats away from exploding in my chest and landing on my feet in a crumpled mess.
"Believe in yourself." I want to believe in myself, to believe in everything he's saying. When I walk out on that stage, I want to put on a great performance for the crowd, but make the audience believe in a world full of wonders and to keep believing anything is possible. Too many people shut the light from their world off and live in the darkness.
"You Alex, you're too good to be true."
"People come in and out of our lives for many different reasons. But I believe you'd still be standing here without me." He smiles.
"I wouldn't be the same girl though," I remind him.
"I've impacted you that much?" He winks.
"I'm different around you. Sienna is a whole other person, so it seems."
"Well then," he drops his hands from my face, "I would like to see the other you one day. I bet she's even better." Riley, she's not the most exciting person in the world.
"I'll leave you to sleep." I nod my head as we walk out the room and towards the front door.
"Be prepared to work hard for sound check on Friday, your dance routine is going to be perfect before you get the chance to escape to wardrobe," he teases.
"I promise to practise that dance routine before then! I intend to kick start this tour with a bang." Alex nods his head in approval. We stand there for another awkward moment before he grins and leaves.
For the second time this night, I quickly spin and make a dash to my bedroom, only to be stopped by Ava's chilling stern voice.
"We need to talk before you dash off," she says. I immediately freeze on the stop and turn to face her. She's sitting cross legged on the couch with a set of paper work spread out around her.
"Can't this wait for later?" Clasping my hands together, I shove my shoulders up and start blinking rapidly — this usually works for Mum when I want something.
"You have a dinner to attend to, it simply can't wait for tomorrow. Please go get ready. I've already picked out a dress and it's hanging on the back of your bathroom door. Be ready in thirty minutes," she says.
My shoulders slump in defeat. Sleeping apparently isn't on the schedule tonight. How could I forget the dinner meeting with the tour promoters, and then my thing with Alex? I need a diary of my own to reflect back on.
"Come on, twenty eight minutes now that you're still standing there," Ava snaps. I have to resist the urge to roll my eyes at her attitude.
"You're going to hate me-" I begin to say.
Ava perks up in her seat and slowly shakes her head.
"No, I've been Sienna all week, done everything you asked me and now it's time to be Riley for the night. Whoever the hell she is anymore." Just as I grip the edge of the mask to pull it off, her sudden yelling stops me.
"On one condition," she says in a hurried voice.
My hands drop to my side in defeat. "What is it?" I ask in a flat tone.
"The promoters want you to take a self-portrait of you wearing the new merchandise to launch it. Then upload it to your social media platforms," Ava explains.
Frowning, I shake my head in detest. "Wearing your own product is so lame, I'm not doing that."
"You need to do this to promote it," she insists.
"I'll take a picture and make a status about it, I'm just not wearing it." Ava glares, and I smile sweetly back.
Ava balls the pink shirt up in her hands and then throws it at me.
"Please cancel my meeting tonight. Book another room for Archer and I, I'm bored of this room." Flicking my hair over my shoulder, I walk into my room with a steaming Ava on the couch.
Once I'm safely tucked in my bedroom, I close and lock the door behind me. I spread the shirt out on the bed and look at it. This is my first time seeing or hearing about any kind of merch. I wish I got the chance to have an input on the design.
Printed on the pink material is an image taken from a photoshoot I did this week. It's a close up of the top half of me with my arms folded across my chest with a cheesy smile plastered on my face. I've got my white lace mask that matches my lace white top which is barley seen because of my arms. To the left of my face is "The Masked Singer" written in fancy block font.
It's a beautiful design, I just wished I had an input on the final product. I grab my permanent marker out of my pencil case and lay it on the shirt. Pulling out my phone, I snap a picture of it before opening my Instagram app to post. For the caption part I type in, 'New merchandise design, excited to see everyone wearing it tomorrow night! I've got a fresh sharpie ready to go. #tourready.'
When I'm finished, I lock my phone and chuck it on my bed before retreating to the bathroom. I turn the shower on and turn to face the mirror. Weeks ago when I first started this mask was odd, annoying and out of place. I couldn't recognise the girl staring back at me. But now, as I stand here looking back at myself I feel foreign without the mask.
Pulling off my mask, I chuck it on the bench and then pull the hair tie out of my hair. My frizzy blonde hair falls around my shoulders. These vacant eyes staring back with harsh purple sags horribly concealed to fake perfection. I've forgotten what it's like to see myself staring back, who is this girl I've become?
Shifting my gaze away from the mirror, I turn my focus onto stripping out of my clothes. As I'm standing under the hot water pouring out of the faucet, the steamy glass windows in front of me become a blurred focal point for my wandering mind.
I need to get out of this hotel and do something normal tonight. I need to walk down a pedestrian sidewalk without people chasing me, buy greasy food from McDonalds without someone questioning my dieting skills or the amount of fat on my thighs. I need to do something normal.
In one fluent motion I turn off the taps and hop out the shower. I wrap my towel around my body, and move to the bedroom. When my skin is dry, I throw the towel on the floor and slip into a pair of black track pants and a deep red singlet top. Once I'm semi dressed I move onto packing a small overnight bag.
I don't pay attention to what I'm packing, I throw the first thing in that I can get my hands on. When I have my clothes packed, I chuck in a couple pairs of shoes and my toiletry bag. Just looking around this room filled with demo posters, clothing and other trinkets that constantly remind me of Sienna is making my stomach churn in a sickly way.
With my bags packed, I swing my backpack over my shoulder and dash out of the room and almost into the side of Archer.
"Slow down kid." He laughs as he grabs either side of my shoulders.
"Are you ready to go?" I ask him in a hopeful expression.
"Yes, I was actually coming to get you," Archer explains to me. My face instantly lights up at the mentioning of going. Archer puts his hand out and I frown back at him.
"Give me your bag." He smiles.
"Thanks Archer," I say as I hand him the bag, "I'm sorry for making you move at this time of the night. I just really need to get out of this place," I explain as we walk out into the hallway.
"It does become tiring when you play someone else," he agrees.
"I'm grateful you understand. It's nice to be walking around without that fear."
"Yes, you're a lot less maintenance without the piece of fabric strapped to your face." My mouth falls open and I smack his side - not that is does a lot to his muscular frame.
"You're awful! I'm in need of pancakes and some ice-cream now."