My head reeled as I replayed the kiss in my head a billion times. He kissed me, he ACTUALLY kissed me. I wanted to smile and think of how perfect it was, how it was all I wanted and more, how now he was going to actually ask me out, and how everyone was right - that he and I fancied each other and this was no longer so one-sided.
But that wasn’t the case.
He kissed me, yes. And then he left. He didn’t ask me anything! He didn’t tell me what he wanted to know and instead of feeling happy that that had all happened, I was frustrated. Seriously, what the heck just happened?
Picking up a pillow from the couch, I threw it against the couch and repeatedly did so until I was so frustrated that that wasn’t satisfying, so instead I picked it up, buried my face into it, and screamed. That felt better. I paced the living room in the dark, trying to get a grip on whatever was happening. It wasn’t a dream, that was something I was sure about at this point. I could feel my nails digging into the skin of my palms as I balled my fists tighter and tighter, hoping the pain would distract me. Yeah, it didn’t do enough because the second it started hurting too much, I ran to the kitchen to run my hands under cold water so, once again, I was left with only the thoughts of the kiss replaying in my head.
Everything that happened ran through my head. Everything was perfect until he ditched. Why did he leave without any explanation? Was I supposed to assume that we were dating now or something, because I don’t think he wants me coming to set anytime soon and calling him “Babe” and announcing to every magazine that we’re official. Because we’re not. He kissed me. I kissed him back. He left. I shouldn’t be confused as I am, but that’s what happened and it just left me with more questions than before.
“Ok, stop, stop,” I begged myself, hitting my head. I looked at the clock above the stove in the kitchen as it read in bright green lights, 3:56. I nearly choked. 3:56? He stayed that long? What, did he watch the entire Disney movie even after I fell asleep? I wanted to smile at the thought that he let me sleep on him for an hour and a half, but then I remembered that he left without explanation after kissing me. Screw that adorable British boy, I needed answers before I could start liking him even more. I rubbed my eyes, exhaustion coming over me, but I could barely shut my eyes. I forced myself up the stairs and changed into my pajamas, but never for one second deterring from my original train of thought. My bed was warm and cozy and, if it were any other night, I would have fell into an immediate sleep. Instead I found myself tossing and turning, my body just wanting me to fall asleep so I could recover from lack of sleep these past few days, but my brain running at full speed as it replayed my inadvertently first kiss. Liam, you ridiculously attractive male, what did you do to me?
The next day remained a blur. At some point in the early afternoon, I woke up to an empty house, which was good, because I felt like blasting music and going into art mode so I could try to distract myself from Liam. But naturally, that didn’t happen, because I just found myself drawing couples and disgustingly romantic stuff. Was this what it was always like for lovesick people? A never ending heartache and thoughts stretching into space? I wish they were tied on a string so I could reel them all back in, but it wasn’t as simple as I wished it to be.
Throughout the day, I moved throughout the house in a sort of melodramatic state, periodically throwing myself on the armchair or the floor or simply flopping on the counter. No matter what I did, I just felt useless. I wasn’t coming to any conclusions as to what had passed the night before and I was beginning to believe I would have to accept that fact sooner or later or else I would collapse altogether.
Oh my gosh, just stop! Pull yourself together woman, you can get a grip and not worry about it. Just forget about it. Distract yourself. What do people do to distract themselves? Go for a jog? I snorted at my own thoughts and waved away all physical activity. I couldn’t be left to do anything artistic anymore because I was just constantly reminded about how much Liam liked my work. I didn’t want coffee because it reminded me of when Liam caught me being extremely hyper. And if anything, I definitely didn’t want to sit on the couch anytime soon.
By the time evening rolled around and my parents had come home only to just make sure I was alive and had eaten, before carrying about making their own dinner and settling down for the night, I was laying on my floor with my music blaring, looking particularly comatose. My body was sprawled across the carpet, looking like I was about to make a snow angel, and I just stared blankly at the overhead light as if it was the most fascinating thing on the planet.
“Is Cam even here?” I heard James say, making his way up the stairs. I couldn’t hear my parents’ response, but I was supposing it was an affirmative as I heard the quick knock against my door as James peered in. “Cammie?”
“Hey, James,” I said, still much too interested in the way my ceiling looked. I heard him come in and close the door behind him, something he didn’t usually do because he would just come and go too quickly to bother with it.
“Are you okay? You look kind of… weird.”
“Yeah,” I said, but I didn’t sound too convincing at all. “Yeah, I’m… I’m fine.” I realized I hadn’t talked much today and for some reason was having difficulty with words.
“Can I ask you something, Cam? And I need your honest response,” James asked, sitting on the edge of my bed and clasping his hands together before placing his chin atop his knuckles.
“Sure.”
“Did something happen last night between you and Liam?”
That was enough to make me shoot straight up and gape at him as if he read my mind. How in the heck did he know? My vision blurred momentarily as I sat up so quickly, but after closing my eyes for a few seconds, I looked straight back at him in complete disbelief.
“I take it from your look that something happened last night that I need to know about.”
“How could you have possibly known that something had happened?”
“Well, Liam looked particularly relieved today when you didn’t come to set and you look like you’re high or something - not to mention your hand is purple and green from bruising - and, I don’t know, I just had a feeling,” he said and the thought of Liam being relieved that he didn’t see me today made me feel a little disappointed.
“Whatever I’m about to tell you, do not kill me.”
“That depends on whether or not you deserve to die.”
“And don’t kill Liam either.”
“If you’re already pleading for his life, then I think it’s safe to assume that I might have to kill him.”
“I’m serious, James. Just listen to me and then make your judgment.”
James looked at me carefully before moving to the floor so we could make better eye contact. “Shoot,” he said.
I took a deep, shaky breath, suddenly realizing I hadn’t told anyone yet and it had been almost an entire day. I didn’t want to tell anyone. But I wanted to tell everyone. I hated this.
“Liam kissed me last night.”
James’ eyebrows shot straight up and I saw his lips purse. He didn’t look just angry. He looked furious. I actually believed he was going to go find a shotgun and murder Liam by the look that he was giving me.
“Are you kidding me?” He hissed and I could see his vein popping out of his neck. “I was expecting you did something awkward or just admitted something weird, not that he kissed you!”
“Don’t get mad at him, I kissed him back,” I said warily. If I didn’t kiss him back, maybe I wouldn’t have been in this predicament. James’ eyes widened even more.
“How… how exactly did this all happen?”
“I had a nightmare and Liam woke me up from it. I,” I almost laughed at the thought of the next part. “I punched him in the face when he did. I thought he was murdering me in my dream so I lashed out. That’s why my knuckles are apparently so bruised. I hadn’t even noticed.”
“That’s my girl,” James said smugly, crossing his arms like a proud father.
“But when he saw that I was so shaken up and he looked like you when you get all protective and he put on Disney to calm me down and -”
“Then he kissed you?”
“No, not quite, I fell asleep on him.” The way James looked at me was difficult to describe. It just looked incredulous. He didn’t even want to believe anything that I was telling him. “But when I woke up, he had his arm around me and then he just gave me this look and, next thing I knew, we were kissing.”
“Ew.”
“Best kiss of my life,” I said, trying to get a rise out of him.
“Uh, only kiss of your life.” I glared at him in lack of a comeback.
“But, ready for the worst part of the story?”
“Not entirely.”
“He left. We kissed and then he just booked it out of here like there was going to be no reaction. That I was just going to be like, ‘Oh cool we kissed’ and not like how I am now. So. Here I am wallowing in my own misery while I am desperately trying to figure my life out at this point.”
“Oh dear,” James said, putting his head in his palms.
“Tell me about it. Like, I don’t even know what to do! I want to talk to him, but then again, I really don’t. I almost want to just ignore the entire situation!”
“You can’t ignore it.”
“That’s pretty much what he did! I’ll just pretend the kiss never happened and we go back to how we were before.”
“Yeah, with your little crush,” he flicked me in the nose, “bursting at the seams for all of us to see despite you wanting to pretend it doesn’t exist. Which it does. And everyone knows.”
“Everyone does not know.”
“Yes they do. Listen, Camille.”
“You said my name, this is serious,” I said, suddenly terrified of what James might have to tell me.
“Certain times call for drastic measures. But seriously, just stay home this week. I won’t bring anybody over. Just calm down and sort things out.”
“You can bring Ava over. I like her.”
“I like her too. But we only have a week left, everyone is getting ready to go to La France anyway. Just try to go out with Mom and Dad or something and don’t tell them about it.”
“Why not?”
“Are you joking? They’ll be on your case for the rest of filming. Plus, the less people you tell, the better. This is gold for the paps and you don’t want what happened a few weeks ago.”
“Except it would be worse!” I said, horrified at the comments that would be aimed towards me if the public knew that I kissed their beloved Liam.
“Exactly, so, Cammie, let’s just keep this on the down low, okay?” I nodded my head as James placed a hand on my shoulder. “And Cam? I want to say let this whole thing blow over, but if he does something dumb, and I mean really dumb, you tell me, got it? I’ll beat him up for you?”
I smiled despite the fact he’d beat up the guy that I was currently head-over-heels with, but the general thought of James protecting my honor was nice.
“Sure, if Liam is being a butt, I will be sure to let you know so you can deal with him.”
“Good, now I’m going to bed because we have filming early tomorrow. Night, Cammie.” James leaned over and kissed my head before getting up and leaving my room.
Let the kiss blow over. Pretend it never happened. Could I even attempt to do that? Perhaps I could go about how I did before, even if Liam kissed me. People get kissed all the time! Harmless, friendly kisses! I was just another one, no big deal! Except that wasn’t just a simple, friendly kiss. That had passion and meaning. I shook my head again, trying to stop the thoughts. If Liam confronted me about it and we talked about it, I would go through it. We would discuss our feelings like some sappy, cliché couple and then he’d ask me out and we’d live happily ever after.
However, if he didn’t, then that’s that. I wouldn’t worry about it. I would do my best to not let that dumb, glorious kiss get in the way of a great friendship if he’d let me. Sure, I would still have a mad crush on him and it would sicken me to only be friends with him, but I would take what I could get.
Liam Hawthorne, you are not getting to my head and I’m going to live my life, with or without you.
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So here's the after kiss thoughts! Cammie's going to try to get over it and not worry about it, how do you think she'll actually handle it?
I loved reading all of your reactions from the kiss, it was so much fun writing it last year and I was so anxious to just finally publish it. Wooo kissing!
The story still is long from over so please keep reading and, if you liked it, remember to vote/comment/share and if you didn't, let me know why!
Stay classy you fabulous human beings you,
-Katie