I had one moment of solitude over the weekend; just one, just one brief moment where everything around me was still and quiet. It's like when you open your eyes for the first time in the morning and you just lay there and take in the fact that you have to get up and go another day. Then right away you have no idea what your first thought of the day was and you try really hard to think about what it was but it's nothing. It's gone. It doesn't matter. It was that quick and that forgettable.
I had woken up Saturday and didn't want to move because I knew how much pain I could potentially be in and I'd rather remain mummified in my bed then have to deal with the pain. It would be there later on and maybe I'd give up and deal with it then. My mum had other plans for me that morning when she knocked on my door to wake me up. When she opened my door she gasped at me and I hadn't really known why until she asked me what had happened to my face.
Instinctively, I brought my hand up to my face to feel around for any abnormalities. I already knew about the scratch along my cheek. I had found about it when Harry was cleaning off my face. It stung then but now it was already becoming a scab so it was nothing that I was worried about. I just couldn't hide it from my mum and I didn't even have time to think of what to tell her. She had sat down next to me and held my face in her hands to study me, her hands softer than Harry's.
She told me my nose looked swollen and that's because I had it smashed into the ground. I told her I got hit in the face with a ball. I've been hit in the face before and I never told her that so telling her now felt like I was finally confessing something about myself to her. I just left out the part where it wasn't an accident.
I could breathe just fine and I had to argue my case with her by inhaling and exhaling breaths at her controlled count. I wanted to roll my eyes because it was obvious that I could breathe because I slept through the night and woke up. The only reason I held back was because I knew how serious she was taking this.
Then, after my mum was done checking my vitals, I asked her why she was bothering me early on a Saturday morning. All she wanted to do was go out to town and have some breakfast. I agreed but my mind wasn't completely on my morning meal. I couldn't help but look down into my lap to look at my phone. It was pretty rude of me to be doing this, especially with my mum talking but I wanted to hear from Harry. I heard from Liam right after I messaged him that same night. He answered me to have a goodnight and he'd see me on Monday.
I didn't hear from Harry all weekend and I thought that maybe I would so he could change the bandage on my shin. Even though I did feel some disappointment, it's not like I found the courage to message him first. What if he was waiting by his phone for me like I did with him? Would he really be doing that though? Maybe he was too busy dealing with other things that I wasn't a priority. I don't know. I just was looking forward to seeing him more outside of school on the weekends.
He was on my mind Sunday night, the way he used to be before we were friends. I had a dream about him that turned into a little bit of a nightmare.
I was in the change room showering after the game we had won. All the boys had left to go party and I waited until they had all left. As I stood under the water and rinsed off my face I felt a set of hands start from my rib cage and began stroking my body all the way down to my hips. I didn't turn around because I wasn't nervous as to who it was because the touch and the way it continued at a slow pace brought me this sense of comfort. Then I titled my head back further to rest it against a shoulder, the other body with me stepping closer to me as the arms draped loosely around my body, resting there as if there was no way we'd be interrupted.
It all felt so real: the brush of his hair against my cheek and neck right before he placed a kiss onto my shoulder, the smile that spread across his lips as he pulled away, humming against me. I was perfectly content sinking into the person I was wrapped up in like being wrapped up in sheets.
I placed my hands over his, my fingers skimming over his to feel the bumps of his knuckles. I didn't once look down to the hands I was touching as I imagined the small cross that was inked into his skin forever.
"It's me, Water Boy," the voice, sounding just like Harry's, whispered into my ear.
That was when I turned around, confused as to why Harry would say that to me anymore. The boy I turned to face wasn't Harry. The soft hair that I felt on my neck was no longer there. It was replaced with darker styled hair. His lips weren't the ones that graced my shoulder. There was no smile. There was Zayn Malik, a gritty smirk and blazing hazel eyes taunting me worse than his facial expression ever could.
I gasped, my voice echoing along the bare tile walls. I obviously had no where to run and that helped Zayn out a lot. He had grabbed the back of my neck and turned me out just like he had on Friday night. Then he pushed my face forward and I braced myself to hit the wall but I never did.
I opened my eyes and the wall had turned into that puddle of grass and mud.
I opened my eyes and I was there all over again.
By the time I woke up, it had been time to get ready for school so I could shake it from my mind until Harry picked me up that morning. My eyes drifted down to his hand that was resting on the gearshift, my mind thinking about how his hands, though with fingers so long and mighty, were gentle at handling. This was the hand he hand punched Zayn with and I want to touch it like it held some sort of secret power to unlock my ability to strike Zayn or Louis in the face. But t was just a hand; just Harry's hand.
I thought of The Beatles' song, "I Want to Hold Your Hand", and wondered if Harry had ever heard it. The lyrics were quite simple yet so truthful and meaningful to me. I think if I ever had a chance to really hold his hand that I'd be smiling and that upbeat song would be playing in my head. Maybe I'd hum it as well and Harry would eye me curiously because he knew the song and he was happy that I knew it.
"Niall, you there?" I blinked a few times, that hand of his waving in my face slowly to bring me back into focus
"Oh, yeah, sorry." I replied lamely.
"Something on your mind?"
Someone's on my mind, yes. It's you.
"If you're worried about Louis and Zayn you don't have to be. Liam saw him this weekend and commended me on the bruise he noticed on his cheek that I have given him so hopefully any vengeance will be on me, the one he actually should have a problem with now." He explained as we sat in the car park.
As much as I wanted to chuckle or agree with Harry about that I couldn't because that's not how I wanted things to be. I didn't want Harry to be some kind of replacement target for me, just like I also didn't want that for Liam. What I wanted was to be left alone and have it all just start to fade, like friendship that you never thought you'd lose but all communication just stops. I wanted it to be like that. Nobody else would get hurt that way.
I ignored the part about Zayn's bruise because I'd probably be seeing it very shortly. The words that stuck out from Harry's lips were the ones about hearing from Liam this weekend. Did that mean Harry was available this entire time and I should have been the one to ask him if I could come around to his? I didn't want to feel like I was imposing on his life. I didn't want to sound annoying now that we were becoming friends.
"So," I cleared my throat, "what did you do this weekend?" For some reason I just had to find out.
He shook his head. "Not much. I tried to do the least as possible since my knee had a party of its own Friday night. I wanted to make sure that I rested it up all weekend so maybe there was still a chance I'd get good news from my doctor later in the week. I could have sworn I felt this weird pulling feeling in my hip yesterday so I hope that it was just from kneeling or something.
"What about you? I thought I'd hear from you about your shin. Did you forget?"
So, he was waiting to hear from me? I could just picture Harry sitting around and tending to his own injuries as he waited two entire days to hear from me about my own. We might as well be hospitalized in a room together and share comments about where we were hurting.
"Oh, I spent time with my mum." I pointed to the scratch on the side of my face. "She saw it and I told her a ball hit me in the face. I spent my morning breathing to let her know I was alive." I couldn't help but to laugh like I was making some sort of joke about how I spent my time but it was more of a sadistic laugh in a way because I was trying to be funny about the fact I was still breathing. I didn't want to be that way. "I'm sorry I didn't call you or anything."
"That's okay. It sounds like you were busy with breathing." He let out a small laugh. "I could take a look at it tomorrow before practice? The field aid has the basic supplies for minor injuries so I could borrow some from him." Harry offered.
"Um, sure." I nodded. "Yeah. Thanks." I couldn't help but to glance down at my shin, having a feeling that it wasn't so bad and it wouldn't need anything but a proper cleaning up until it was nothing but a scar, if it turned to that.
"It's not a problem as I've mentioned to you before." He half-smiled at me before he opened up the door to his car and rested his leg outside of it, sitting up straighter he leaned forward to stretch out his leg, his hand running down the length of his leg.
I couldn't help but bite my lip and peer my eyes over to watch him, watching the way his shirt slightly came up to expose his creamy skin and the branded waistband of his underwear. I already knew the brand of underwear Harry wore, as well as some of the other boys, due to being stuck with them in the change room.
How perverted do I sound?
Quite, Niall. The answer is quite.
He sat back up with a groan before pushing his chest out to stretch. By this time I had averted my eyes and I tried my best to not seem suspicious.
"I haven't said this before but I think I can actually wait the few days until I go get my knee checked. The soreness only lasted through this weekend but I think my odds are good." He sounded hopeful, too hopeful.
All I could do was support him, smiling and nodding because he didn't need to know what I was just doing. I also didn't really know what to say to him because I didn't want to ruin his cheerfulness, especially on this day because he hadn't seen anybody probably since the party. We still had about seven minutes until the morning bell. I should be walking him to class right now but I didn't know if his confidence would push me aside.
"Well, we should probably head on inside." Harry said after the brief moment of silence between us. He turned to look at me, his eyes starting from my chest and then to my face. "Unless you're not ready to face the world yet."
I was never really ready to face it but I knew I had to in order to keep my sanity. Did this mean that he still wanted me to go with him? The note, which I will always remember word for word, did say I was to help Harry for the remainder of his injuries. As far as I could tell he was definitely still injured so I still had a reason to walk with him.
There was something that I was questioning now that I started to think about being side-by-side with Harry; was he ready to face his world now that I was involved in it? Yeah, we were seen together at the party and he did stand up as captain to the team with me awkwardly standing next to him. But just because he appeared to be ready for this didn't mean that he was ready. Maybe it's not something I should be thinking about so much. I'll give myself a headache and an ill stomach for all my worrying.
"If you're ready, we can go."
"I asked you first." He playfully noted to me. It was strange to see Harry so lighthearted but I shouldn't because at least he wasn't cruel.
"We can go." I repeated as I waited for him to leave the car first, walking to the back to get his things that I would usually be carrying. Instead he felt that he was able to carry his schoolbag on his back this morning since he didn't have any coursebooks to carry around with him. I don't think he minded the extra weight because he would still seem like a strong person.
After I got out, myself, we started our way from the car park to the school. Once inside the school, only the people who knew Harry stopped and glanced at him. I guess they knew what had happened to Zayn. I wondered if Zayn changed the story around to make Harry look like the bad guy. I wondered if I would have been in it as well. Harry just kept walking, greeting them as he walked on by. All they did was give him the same courtesy. I wanted to think that nothing had changed for Harry after hitting Zayn. As long as that was only for his case and not mine. I wouldn't mind some change.
We did see Zayn in the hall. He looked pretty hollow, his cheeks were always define looking and sculpted as a desirable man's should be. That doesn't mean that I personally thought that he was desirable but I'm sure people would find Zayn attractive. That's not the point I was trying to make. Zayn's eyes locked with Harry's as we crossed paths. He fixed his bag onto his shoulder and stuffed his hand into the pocket of his leather jacket as he walked on.
"See," he nudged at my arm, "you won't have to deal with him today."
But what about you?
I couldn't help but want to chuckle because I knew that Harry would, if he felt that it was right, give Zayn a reminder of what happens when he doesn't listen. I wondered if he'd ever muster the courage to actually punch Louis because they used to be best friends. I don't know if I could ever look my best friend in the eye and haul off a punch on him. But maybe if he didn't look recognisable then the circumstances would be different.
We all just walked and never spoke of what happened at the party, rubbing it into the ground just as Zayn had done with my face.
____________________
The week continued on with my new normal, which included Zayn and Louis leaving me alone. I have never actually seen those two boys so silent. Of course, I still got the glares and looks, also a few mutterings or harsh words here and there, but the contact between us has subsided greatly. I think my wounds I have now would actually be able to completely heal before, or if, I was going to get any new ones.
Speaking of wounds healing, Harry had checked my shin and when he peeled away the first bandaged, which hurt no matter how fast or slow that he went because the damn tape ripped the hair out of my leg, his eyes widen because it was no longer just an open cut. Surrounding the cut was some bruising. He accused me of not taking proper care of myself and all I chose to do was joke back at him and told him that I wasn't a nurse like he was. It made him get off my case about injury care and then got him on my case about me still using the whole nursing thing against him. My logic was that I was still allowed to since he was pretty much acting like one.
Anyway, the good news was that healing was happening. I just have to keep doing what Harry doesn't think I have been doing and it should be fine over the next few weeks. Soon enough I wouldn't need a bandaged and I'll just have to be careful so it doesn't open up again. I'm quite clumsy according to Louis and Zayn so as long as they leave me alone maybe I won't trip and fall much.
"You see him yet?" Liam repeated his question after he already peered over down the empty hallways for Harry.
I never thought I'd be in this situation; waiting with my friend, Liam, for our friend Harry. Did I need to look back on who I was just a couple of weeks prior to this moment? That boy would never be standing here. I mean, he'd be in this spot but curled up on the ground in agony.
Harry wasn't at school today because he had an appointment with his doctor this afternoon. He did mention to the both of us that he would try his best to make it in time for practice so he could tell the coach what was said at his appointment. I secretly hoped that what he really wanted was to share his news with me first. Either way, I wondered if an excited Harry was on his way now. I didn't want to nervously watch him come down the hallway with his crutch. I wanted yesterday to be the last of that damn thing. He already proved to me that it was useless now.
I shook my head and shrugged. "Not yet." I couldn't help but to look too because I wasn't hearing the click on his crutch that went from annoying to a part of who Harry was.
"We don't have much time until we actually need to get into the change room." He commented.
"Do you want me to wait out here for him by myself? I can just do the equipment room while I wait. I feel like passing the time."
"You sure? I know Louis and Zayn are already inside but I'm kind of offset with leaving you unattended." He confessed to me carefully.
I nodded, still a little weary about having people look out for me. I haven't called Liam since he had given me his number and we haven't had a serious conversation about bullying and whatnot since our time together in the library. I don't know why I couldn't call the one person who was so willing to be there for me. I don't know if I was just playing scared or if I thought maybe I wanted Harry to be the one I told things to. Was it fair to Liam if that was the case? Liam didn't know my feelings towards Harry and if he did I didn't imagine him being anything but the same Liam I knew. It had to be me over thinking everything.
"You don't have to be." I said as my face suddenly lightened up when I say Harry walking down the hallway, a black knee support brace wrapped around his knee.
Harry looked up to me with a smile and I wish I was in the position where I could just run over to him and hug him because I was so happy for him. If we were better friends I bet I could do that.
"And he walks!" Liam announced as he lifted his arm for Harry to take his hand, pulling Harry to him and patting him on the back with his freehand. "I like what I'm seeing."
"And I like how I'm feeling. My underarm was starting to get chafed from that fucking thing." He said with the most happiness I have ever heard in his voice.
"So what's the game plan now? You coming back to us anytime soon?" Liam asked once the two ended their embrace.
He shrugged his shoulders. "I didn't get an estimated amount of time on that yet. They want to try me out on physical therapy for a little bit to see how it can hold up on its own. I actually need to talk to the coach before you guys head out. There's some, um, exercises I can do while you boys practice." He licked his lips quickly after speaking before turning on his heels to face me. "I actually wanted to know if you wanted to help me with my rehab."
Wait, what?
Could you ask me that one more time, please?
I just want to hear it again because of how delighted you sound. Plus—what?
I could have answered the question with a simple 'yeah' or 'sure'. No, those words did not slip from my mouth. Instead, I decided to say, "W—what about the equipment and stuff? I still need to do all of that."
Harry rolled his eyes before playing with his fingers. "I figured I could tell the coach that, as the captain, that I believe Zayn and Louis need to do something extra for the team. I think they'll manage being able to run to the cart and give bottles to somebody."
Yeah, because it's such an easy job when I do it.
It did sort of hurt me the way he explained it but I brushed it off when I began to picture the look on their faces once they found out that they'd both have to play water boy. He was abusing his right as captain for me. I did think that Zayn and Louis did deserve something and I found it ironic that it would be this that they would take on.
"I'd pay to see that." Liam pulled his phone from his pocket to look at the time. "I gotta get inside and change. It's good to see you on your way again, Styles. You'll be doing drills with us again in no time." He gave Harry's back a pat and then my shoulder before leaving the two of us.
"Now," he scratched at the back of his neck, "since I'll be leaving school straight away some days I won't be able to drive you home. I hope you'll be okay. I know that Zayn and Louis have kept to themselves lately, which I'm happy about. I just don't want them to do what I know they'll probably end up doing to you since I won't be here. I can't help but worry about you, Niall. I'm less worried but still worried."
He was worried about me. He was worried about me. He couldn't help but to worry about me.
I could have easily guessed that the two would go back to going after me since they no longer needed to hide from Harry. I wasn't alone though. At least, I'm sure I wouldn't be.
"I have Liam. He's been looking out for me, too." I said softly. I don't know what possessed me to tell Harry that. I mean, he had to know that Liam was someone who cared. He helped us out at the party and he stopped the boys in the car park.
"That's good." Harry told me with a nod before clearing his throat. "Listen, um," he pointed in the direction of the change room, "I'm going to talk to Coach about it and see if he'll even agree. Then I'll come back and find you, okay?" He sent me a small smile before heading into the change room.
"Sounds good. I'm looking forward to it." I told myself as I took the keys to the equipment room, from my pocket, playing with the brass between my fingers as I walked over to it.
Then it dawned on me as I unlocked the large doors.
I never told Harry that I was happy for him.