Your face when you've been gone for about a decade and haven't gotten to requests...
Anyways, it's been a while. Finals didn't go so well for me (Trash_Tanuki). I suppose the first semester doesn't always go so well for everyone. I had (kind of still do) to deal with far more drama than I would have liked.
Today's Sue has been brought to us by TheEvilWithin12, which is of his/her own creation. His name is Honecatta, pronounced Hoe-neigh-caught-ah... Interesting... Not how Japanese phonetics work, but we'll talk about that later. Are you ready to see this GaryStu decapitated? I've been ready since I got back.
Let's do this.
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So basically this story is an alternate universe in Naruto. You need to take everything you know about Naruto history after Asura and Indra and throw it right out ya' brain. I like when people take large creative bounds when it comes to the Naruto story and this will make it much easier to make things flow since original characters will most likely not be present. I hope.
A young male is in the village hidden in the mist. The entire village it's constantly covered with which is where the name comes from. It's architecture is strangely circle based, with everything from the Kage office to dessert shops.
I can already tell this is going to be THRILLING. First, it's Village Hidden by Mist. Proper nouns should be capitalized and I'm pretty sure Masashi capitalized it too. Second, let's talk about the difference between "it's" and "its". "It's" means "it is" while "its" shows something's possession, such as "Its red eyes were gleaming in the inky sky.". The sentence, "It is architecture is strangely etc.." doesn't sound right. I'd rephrase the second sentence. It sounds more like a casual statement that I'd find in a junior high research paper than a book I'm reading. Explain how the mist covers the village. Is it low hanging mist that chokes the air with its dense, cloying tendrils? Is it light, airy vapor that clings to even the tallest structure? Writers map out how a reader should be imagining their story. I'm a bit lost here.
The entire village is covered in plateaus, where the wealthy have build houses on top of these plateaus. These same plateaus are mostly surrounding the village, acting as a wall from intruders.
Please find another word besides plateaus. Please.
A young male is walking through the streets of the mist village, taking a back alley as a shortcut. When he comes out on the other end, he gets hit with the smell of the area. A mix of fish, chocolate, cooked rice, and fresh cut grass.
I mean...those aren't smells that I'd normally expect to drift together in one place. Chocolate and fish? That would gross me out a bit. I also never realized that the good people of Kirigakure had time to mow their lawns. Did lawn mowers exist in Naruto?
What time period are we even in? I'm well aware that the history of this story is far removed from its cannon counterpart, but I need an update on when this kid is living. Is this during when Naruto would be at the Academy? During Kakashi's time as an orphan? When?
This young male was Honecatta, the protagonist of this story. He had white spiked hair that only went down to his ears and eyebrows. His eyes where a brilliant emerald, which captivated anyone who saw it. He had his Kaguya markings, which gave him dark red under eyes, and two red dots on his forehead.
This is my, "Not sure how to react to this" face. You don't necessarily need to announce which character is the protagonist. Readers should be able to deduce that considering the narrator is focusing on Honecatta at the very beginning and continues to seemingly do so for the rest of the story. It just seems a bit out of place.
Grammar. May the gods and goddesses have mercy on your grammar. Let's knock out the mistakes quickly. One: "Where" needs to be "were". A simple trick to tell the difference is to take note of the word "here" in "where". Where? Here. Two: "It" should be "them". Honecatta has two eyes, not one. Three: There doesn't need to be a comma after the word "eyes".
Honecatta is an interesting name. I'm not sure if you're intending for it to be Japanese or English, but if you want it to be Japanese then you have some work to do. How you want your readers to pronounce Honecatta is not reflected in the spelling. A Japanese "ne" is not pronounced as a long "neigh". It's short. The only thing that comes to mind as a replacement would be "nae". Also, the pronunciation of the "catta" part would not sound like "caught-ah". When two consonants are together like that it means you read it with a pause. So it would sound more like "caught-(insert short pause here)-ta". You can want your readers to pronounce something a certain way, but in the end the phonetics have to make sense. I can't tell my readers my character's name is John and then say "Oh, it's pronounced Ju-on-ha-nay".
He was wearing a white shirt, which had a zipper and was currently zipped up. He was also wearing dark blue pants and sneakers. To anyone else, he looked like just an ordinary civilian, although in actuality he had recently graduated from the academy. He was heading to the current Mizukage's office to talk to her. She had summoned him personally via mail. As he approached the Kage office, two ninja put their hands on his chest stopping him from entering.
Commas are in unnecessary places. The "current" in front of Mizukage isn't necessary unless there's a past Mizukage that Honecatta also talks to. We know it's the current Mizukage if they're in the Kage's office.
She summoned him via mail? I mean...I would think she would have ninja for that purpose. Why would she go out of her way to write him a letter simply asking for Honecatta's presence? Was he far away before he returned? Send a raven like Samwell Tarly or something.
"Hey Honecatta what do you want?"
Said the one to the right of the doorway. He had a giant sword on his back, obviously one of the replacements for a seven swordsman if the current one fell. Or at least that's what would happen if the Mist was still in control of the seven legendary swords. All seven were lost if when the members all went rogue, including the previous Mizukage.
...Why...why would they...I feel like this is the author while writing this:
You know what, while we're in the realm of Doesn't Make Any Sense At All let me share something else with you.
YOU GON' BE MY BABY DADDY SASUGAY. IMMA BE DA HOKAGE SO I BETTER GET MA CHILD SUPPORT. BIATCH.
So sorry. Anyways, why in the name of god would Kirigakure keep training replacements for a group of rogue ninjas that are probably their enemies now? Wouldn't they just create a new Seven Swordsman of the Mist with the replacements? Isn't that the whole reason behind replacements? To replace the positions that need to be filled-ya know what I'm just going to move on.
The banter continues. The most important pieces of information are that the Kaguya clan attacked Kirigakure twelve years ago and since Honecatta is a Kaguya he gets shit for it. Honecatta was too young to participate, but you know how people are in Naruto. He eventually gets into the Kage's office.
"I got your letter, what's up Misty?"
This was Honecatta's nickname for her, which was in relation to her kage title. She was a short girl, only a few years older than Honecatta. She had only become the kage because of her mother, who saved hundreds of lives in the attack from the Kaguya. Her hair was platinum blond, with matching golden eyes. She was wearing her kage cloak, which she almost never took off.
"Oh yes Hon, come right in. Not like I could have important members in here or anything."
YOU REQUESTED THAT HE COME SPEAK WITH YOU. Shouldn't you be prepared for his arrival? "Important members..."? What the hell is this? Club Penguin?
Why would the higher ups in Kirigakure appoint a child to the position of Hokage? It's not based on lineage. Naruto's dad was the Hokage and you didn't see anyone rushing to throw that cloak around his shoulders, fox demon or not.
And now, a math lesson from professor Kane.
-attack of the Kaguya clan twelve years ago. Honecatta was the only survivor, since he was not even a year old at the time of the attack.
Hmmm, yes.
She was a short girl, only a few years older than Honecatta.
Quite.
Him and the kage joked about things like this all the time...Most didn't care about the actual flirting aspect of the joking, since she was only sixteen.
Ho-ho-ho-hold on. If Honecatta is around twelve years old...and the Mizukage is only a "few" years older, a small amount, presumably three years...
12+3=15
SOMETHING ISN'T ADDING UP HERE. A lot isn't adding up here.
Postmortem Diagnosis: Grammar. GRAMMAR. That's the number one killer of this story. Please utilize spellcheck if you can. Microsoft Word checks grammar as well as spelling so you won't mix up the "your" and "you're"'s. The use of phrasing is questionable in some areas. Writing "He would say" before someone talks is a bit confusing. Usually characters say that when they're contemplating what a character will say in the future, not what a narrator says before someone talks. I'd tweak the spelling of Honecatta's name a bit.
Some of the decisions in this story seem to not have the greatest amount of sense. Why is Misty given the position of Hokage at age sixteen, with the only reasoning behind it being that her mother saved a lot of lives during the attack twelve years ago? That's not at all a good reason in my opinion.
This brings me to the names. Honecatta. Alright, I can roll with that. Misty. I'm inclined to think about the Pokemon trainer every time I hear that, but I'll look past it. Hawk. Not too many characters with blatantly English names. Akatosh. Well... Like the Macintosh apple? Scarlett. Not how you spell it and not likely to be found in a Naruto universe.
The beginning of this story is a little bit slow. He talks with the Mizukage, gets assigned to a team, goes on his first mission... Interesting, but starting out a book at a low point isn't the greatest of ideas. Yes, you don't want your book to be so packed with action that it seems like a nightmare not even Michael Bay would direct, but you want to hook your readers with something. It's an alternate universe to Naruto, but you can still draw some parallels between your plot and Masashi's. That attack twelve years ago seems like a pretty important event. Start with that. I can see how Honecatta's beginning shows a slight connection to Naruto's.
Overall, it just needs a little bit of life. Take a moment to describe Mizugakure to us. What's going on outside of this village? How is this alternate universe functioning compared the the Naruto universe? You don't have to reveal everything in one paragraph, but keep in mind that readers will click away if your story's plot raises more questions than answers (unless it's a mystery).
Hopefully this gets me back into the swing of things. I've been working on an outline for my own story, which I might be sharing in Milo and I's journal/diary/thing once we finish our introduction. Figured I could use a bit of roasting after all I've done so far.
I GOTTA KNOCK OUT SOME REQUESTS. BE RIGHT BACK. MEANWHILE-
Derp Kakashi: "Imma squisha da face like a little fishy. Squishy squishy fishy face."
Art: Adding the link because it's all in Korean (https://www.ilbe.com/5738613271)
-Trash_Tanuki