||Pius||
Life is such an odd cycle. People fall in love, they copulate, conceive babies, those babies grow old, they too become parents and the cycle repeats itself again. Those babies use what they were told, their upbringing to be specific to further groom their kids.
I'm not complaining though. I love the process, the copulating part even better. But in all that coital-bliss should you know, bearing kids means responsibility. Why go have kids if you can't support them? And don't tell me it's a mistake, because there are no such mistakes. You don't mistakenly forget to use a condom. Before everything else, you already know that having sex without a condom will automatically lead to a baby or other unmentionables.
I'm not saying that, my dad... my parents, were irresponsible when they had us or anything. No. My mom even used to say that we-me and Xavier-were their greatest gift. And I know, they didn't regret having us then, but after my mom's demise, the way my dad shut down made me start thinking otherwise. He was so selfish. He is selfish. He didn't think about us, he was so consumed in his own grief that he even stop seeing us. As if he was the only one who lost someone he loved. What did he think about us? About Xavier? He was only flippen six. He closed us out, until we started harboring certain feelings and emotions towards him. Me, a real sense of shame and hatred and Xavier, inconceivable fear.
The buzzing of my phone in my pockets brings me back to reality.
I pull out the phone from my pockets as I stop the car at the traffic lights.
Xander's name flashes on the phone.
I answer the phone and press it to my ear, wedging it between the ear and the shoulder.
"What?" I snap. I told him I'll call him already. What does he want from me again?
"Please tell me you are close?" Xander breathes heavily from the other side. That makes me frown, taking a left turn as soon as the light turns green.
"Yeah, I'll be there in five. Why-"
"Five? Oh, shit. God. Pius-"
"Xander what the hell is happening? What happened to my dad? Why the hell are you in a panicking?"
"No, no, no. Stop asking questions and get yourself here in two minutes or something." He sighs frustratedly. "He is not going to make it. God," he says the last part more to himself than me.
"Who is not going to make it?" I ask. My hearts gaining momentum. I have a bad feeling about this. I'm not liking these feeling that's starting to brew from the deepest depths of my stomach, churning into random twisted, unbearable butterflies.
"He... he... God, no." I hear sounds on the other side, but I can't make out what the hell is happening. Xander's behavior is killing me. I can't contain these frustration. God.
"Fuck, Xander. SNAP OUT OF IT NOW! What the fuck is happening? Who will not make it?" I yell into the phone.
Xander starts sniffing. Is he crying? "I... I..." he trails off.
I sigh and swallow the big lump stuck into my throat. I silently start counting until ten, to calm myself. "Please." I breathe.
He is quiet. Then he says, "I didn't want to tell you like this."
"You didn't want to tell me what like this?"
"Uhhmm... I..." he swallows and sighs. "It's Xavier, Pius. He had an argument with your dad or something, which ultimately lead to your father pushing him down the stairs." Oh, no. Not my brother. I groan and step on the gas. Xander continues, "I don't know how he was able to call me, but he called me because you weren't picking up apparently." That was Xavier? I saw the call but I just ignored it because it was from the landline. He whimpers, "I called your grandparents to come calm your father down, and... and..."
"And what?" I ask softly, praying to God nothing happened to my brother.
"Pius, he collapsed and is bleeding from his nose. He... he... is not moving." He pants.
"No, no, no, Noooo!" I yell, increasing the speed, punching at the steering wheel. "Please, don't say... no, no." Tears start burning at the back of my eyes. Not my brother. Not Xavier. That's my lifeline. I can't lose him too.
No.
I step on the gas bringing the car to full speed.
Xavier needs me.
*****
EIGHT HOURS LATER!
I don't know how anything happened, because everything happened so fast like in a blur. Throughout the whole process I seemed to be in some sort of a trance. I didn't know what to think and what to do. I was just... unable to do anything, my hands were tied. Just the fact my brother was fighting for his life right now and doctors still didn't know how severe the concussion was... The wait is killing me. We have been waiting for hours and he is not responding. What if... what if he never wakes up? What if when he wakes up he doesn't remember anything? Remember me. That will kill me. I don't know how long I can keep up. I don't like this feeling. I don't like this place. The hospital I mean. Because every time someone I love comes into this place, I lose them and I don't think I am ready to lose someone I love. And most especially not my brother. Not Xavier. That's one blow I know, I'll never survive.
"Can you go get something to eat or something? I'll sit with him." My grandma says, touching my head softly. I'm resting my head on Xavier's hospital bed, holding his hand. I look up and smile at her sadly.
"No, its okay. I'm fine. I want to be here when he wakes up." I tell her.
"You heard what the doctor said sweetheart. He might take some time to wake up. He hit his head pretty hard. Please. I told your grandfather to bring you clothes and something to eat if it makes you feel better. Just..." she sighs. "I just want you to... it's not your-"
"Please don't finish that statement, because it damn well is. It's my fault. I was supposed to be there for him, and where was I? God, I'm so pathetic. I'm-"
"Pius."
"...such a loser for a brother. Instead of protecting him..." I trail off, looking up, willing the tears to go back. "Grams, I don't know what I'll do if he doesn't make it. He is my small brother, the only brother I'll ever have in my life. I can't lose him too. I can't lose everyone I love. I..." I whimper and tears start falling down. I let out all the pain, crying like a small boy. A chest heaving, sniffling messy, heart aching cry that echoes throughout the whole room. If I lose him than it means, I'll have no one. All my efforts not break will be for nothing. He was my source of strength. He was the one who gave me hope to keep living after everything went downhill. He lightened up even the dullest days. Just a single, goofy smile from him would rock my world. Just seeing him proud of me, looking up to me like I'm some... I don't know, just the pride... God, it was and is still the best feeling.
"I know honey. I know." She says rubbing me softly on my back.
Silence falls upon us and room is only filled with the distinct sound of my sniffling, and it that moment, everything flashes back.
Everything happened so fast. Everything moved so fast. I was in a total state of entrance-I think-after the phone call from Xander. I don't remember how I did anything I did. I went into an immediate mode of defense and in my world, that's numbing everything and not feel anything. I didn't want to feel because feeling means pain and pain will trigger emotions, which would've resulted in crying and I had to be strong. I had to be strong because this was all my fault. If I could've just answered the phone call or better yet be at home, none of these would've happened. I could've protected him from my father's drunken wrath. God, how much I hate that man. I hate him with every fiber of my body. But I was somewhere else. I was with her, while my brother was suffering. I hate myself for being such a fool. I hate her for always making me feel things I can't control. It's like I don't have control of anything when it comes to her and I hate her for it.
As soon as I stepped into the house, I leaped over to where he was sprawled on the couch, motionless. I couldn't believe my eyes. I instantly went into a panic mode and started hyperventilating. My eyes stung with tears but I couldn't let it happened.
I found Xander out of his normal cool, just disorientated. My grandparents arrived not a minute after me and in that moment I saw my father coming down the stairs. I didn't even think twice before I storm over to him and before he could react I connected my fist with his face, knocking him down, as he stumble back on the stairs. Before I could launch the next punch, I felt someone pulling me back. From there I vaguely remember my grandfather taking my father away.
After that I couldn't wait for the ambulance Xander called anymore, ignoring the protest from my grandmother and Xander, I took Xavier to the hospital myself, zig-zagging through the Swakopmund roads, driving like a complete crazy. I didn't care whether I got a fine or anything because the only thing I could think of at that moment was my brother and his safety.
Arriving at the hospital, I parked the car at the closest parking I could spot, stepping out of the car instantaneously. I hoisted my brother's unconscious body from the backseat and ran for the emergency room screaming 'I need help'. I pushed the doors open, immediately welcomed by a stretcher, three nurses and a doctor waiting to assist. I cautiously placed him on the stretcher, as they started pushing him away from my sight.
Sigh.
I shake my head to clear my mind. I rub my eyes that feels so heavy and droopy, muffling a yawn that's threatening to escape. My grandma said she will quickly go to the Cafeteria to get me something, after she successfully calmed me down. It's the first time I cried like that in years. The pain was just too much and I couldn't handle it anymore. Losing my mom had already been a hard blow and these experience just made me realize how much pain I have been bottling up all along. I just needed to let it out and bring some kind of remedy to myself.
It was due anytime soon anyway.
I hear the door opening. I don't look up immediately but when I do, I find my temper rising to the level of a searing furnace, with everything in my sight going into instant blur. All I can feel is anger. All I can see is him. All I can think of are all the possibilities I can use to make him pay.
I find myself standing up slowly, so slow that it seems so dramatic. Xander also enters the room after few seconds.
"What the fuck are you doing here?" I sneer, moving for him. Xander immediately wedge between us, pushing me back.
"Pius... Pius! PIUS!!! Hey!" he shouts holding me at the shoulders. "Don't." he says quietly. My eyes are only focused on the man, called my father. I hate him.
I. HATE. HIM. SO. MUCH.
"Don't what? What the fuck is he doing here? He is the cause of all this? He..." I tremble, trailing off.
"Pius, son-"
"What?" I snap, not believing what my ears are hearing. "Son?" I question and start laughing, but that scornful, degrading one. "You are not my father." I state. "You stopped being that the day you abandoned us-"
"Pius, listen-"
"No, don't. Just shut the fuck up, okay?"
"Pius, grandson. Calm down." My grandfather chimes in. "Let's not resort to violence. Lets-"
I plain out start laughing. I laugh so hard, tears start flowing from my eyes. But the laughter morphs into a soft cry, where my lips start trembling. Everyone's facial expressions which were coated with confusing few seconds ago immediately change to sympathy.
"You destroyed me." I whisper, between muffled cries, sinking to the ground. "Now you took away the only thing that mattered to me."
"Son, please-"
"Will you shut your fucken mouth for once and let me talk? God, how pathetic can you be? You pushed a nine year old kid down the stairs? A nine year old? Which happens to be your son too? God..." I rake my hands through my hair, feeling frustrated, broken and worthless. I hang my head down between my knees, leaning against the bed, violently wiping away the insistent tears.
My father doesn't say anything for a while.
I find everyone leaving the room, when I look up.
I frown.
My grandmother looks at me at sadly and my grandfather just nods his head, Xander rubs me gently on my shoulder.
"Please don't do anything stupid. You've done enough damage with your sons already thanks to your drinking. Fix this. Emma wouldn't have wanted things to be like this." My granddad tells my father before he moves to exit the room.
"I know. I'm sorry." My father says running a hand down his face.
"We know son. Just fix everything before it's too late to mend anything." My grandma says and exit the room, followed by my grandfather.
He closes the door gently and stands there for a short while, deliberating, I think. I just sit back, not saying anything.
He walks over to me hesitantly and sinks down next to me. We sit in heavy silence, no one saying anything. I don't have anything to say, what can I say that I haven't already. I'm just done. I carried him for years. He was the one who was supposed to look after me, protect me but instead I'm the one who did. He just messed me up. The stress... God!
I rub my eyes and look up at the ceiling.
"I'm sorry." He whimpers softly. "For everything." I look down at him, and what I found totally shocked me. He was crying. He was literally crying, showing weakness which in his book of life 101 was uncalled for. Yes, I heard him cry but I never saw him with my two eyes crying and those times I heard him cry were a result of intoxication, I believe. He used to say man don't cry, that shows weakness and blah blah. Yet he is the one doing the one thing he didn't want us to do. It moves something at my heart strings. He might be a fucked up father, but he was always a best father to me and Xavier before everything went to shit.
I don't say anything. I don't move to console him or anything. Instead I do the opposite. "Why?" I question him.
"I don't know." He says after a while. "I don't know. My reasons will never be enough to compensate for everything I put you through. I'm the world's cruelest and worst father ever. I almost killed my son. God," he looks up, rubbing his nose. "I'm... I'm just... I'm sorry. In all my drinking, Pius I never stop loving you two. You still remained-"
"That's Bullshit and you know it. Otherwise you wouldn't have placed your feelings before ours. Do you know that you weren't the only one who lost someone you loved? We also did. Xavier did and he was only six dad. God, I hate you." I start crying. "I hate you so much. There is nothing I hate more than I hate you. You are the most selfish, fucked up, father bastard to have ever existed." I wipe at my tears with the back of my hand.
"I know. I would've also hated me if the roles were reversed."
"I lost my mom and dad three years ago and I'm about to lose the only family I have left..." I mewl, with lips trembling.
"I'm still here, Pius."
"Yeah, right you are." I answer sarcastically. "How long will you keep these up? You still reek alcohol and having you around will only bring more anguish upon us. I'm just tired of living under the Bobbie-inflicted-pain spell."
"All I can say is, I'm sorry. I was... no, I'm selfish. I didn't think of the two of you. I was just focused on the pain of losing your mom. It hurt a lot. I couldn't breathe. She is my better half, Pius. And every passing minute hurts and I didn't know how to cope with the pain. I just didn't know and I was already deep in drinking when I realized what I was doing. I know I caused all this, and I don't blame you for hating me. But I love you and Xavier. You're the best thing that happened to your mom and me. I bet she is just a shame of how I turned out, but I'll not stop until I prove to you." He smiled softly. I didn't say anything. We sat there in silence. No one said nothing, until we heard a squeaky voice.
"Pius..." the voice called out again softly and I don't know how, but found myself next to my brother, laughing softly, tears of joy flowing as I throw my hands around him, taking him into a tight embrace.
"You woke up?" I sniffle.
He gives a soft chuckle. "Water." I immediately retract and give him the water on the chest next to him and he drinks it down slowly. "You think I'll die? So that who puts you in line? No mister, not a chance." He laughs. God, I missed that sound. Here I thought I would never hear that sound ever again.
"Cocky bastard." I also laugh. Xavier's eyes connect with something behind me. I look behind only to find my dad fidgeting, with a sad smile. Xavier waves him over. He doesn't wait another second before he storms over and engulfs us both into a bear hug, with tears flowing down.
"I'm sorry boys." He cries. "From now on I'll try to be a better father." He says laughing softly. I also miss that. It's been ages since I heard it. I miss my father. And as much as I hate him, I also love him and I couldn't ask for anything better. We just have to hope for the best and see where the future leads us.
Maybe tomorrow will be a new dawn.
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A/N: Greetings folks. So, this is my first update for 2017. Genuinely hope you like it and also sorry for keeping you waiting.
Thanks for reading, HAPPY NEW YEAR and don't forget to VOTE, comment and share.
Until next time
-Stephen